I’m devastated right now and thinking of reinstating

[[Cr...]]

1 minute ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] I have a very strong symptom of constantly comparing myself to others , it’s unbearable I only have to see someone or fb in a group or in life I I have these feelings accompanied with guilt and shame and it makes me burn inside , I think they would never have made my mistakes all these things I beat myself up for that I’ve done while unwell , I keep imaging others and how they wouldn’t have behaved like me , is this a symptom?? 

What do you mean by comparing? Are you referring to comparing your symptoms to those of other people in withdrawal or do you mean comparing your life choices with those that you feel are better off than you?

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] I feel i have made mistakes in this wave doing things without thinking or realising till after , I’ve been so unwell and lost all Common sense it seems . I keep comparing to people I know or on face book and thinking they would never behave like me and their children have much better lives and what a terrible mum I’ve become when I used to be so on the ball . I even compare my self to people on groups and how they handle their withdrawal so much better than I do . I literally dispise myself 😞and my body electrifies and burns at these thoughts , is this a symptom ?  

[[Ne...]]

2 hours ago, [[L...] said:

@[Ne...] I have horrific which I now know is ocd , I reply situations over and over and feel intense regret and shame and guilt it physically painful , I never had it before the drugs . I have flash back memories constantly like I’m on my death bed , and yes I feel sick all the time , I feel sick when I wake and it stays most the day ( is that dread / anxiety causing it ) I don’t enjoy foods. The electric need to get out of my body can be so bad , when did your symptoms start to ease slightly in this setback ? 

The intrusive, non-stop flash back memories were endless for me, too, and you describe it like I felt it...physically painful.  I would say the last two months the intrusive thoughts aren't as bad but nothing for me goes away forever until I'm healed at the end.  The intrusive thoughts just aren't as prominent.  Please keep fighting!!  Please don't try another med!!!  I've learned so much about the medical industry through all of this and I will never take another med again.  I, also, have weaned off of all supplements. I eat all organic and I don't eat any sugar, gluten, caffeine and nothing processed or packaged.  I, also, make myself get in the sun for natural Vitamin D everyday.  Believe me, I have to force to do everything.  Nothing comes natural anymore.  Right before this benzo injury, I was hiking 5 miles everyday after work.  Now I can barely force a mile walk to get my sun.

[[Lo...]]

@[Ne...] I feel like I’ve been really reckless in this wave , eating sugar and processed foods as so unwell can’t get my own food so my husband gets   I just eat it , I think I’m not going to make it anyway. Maybe I need to cut it out . I don’t leave my house 😞

did you have intense feelings of regret and shame ? 
 

the flash back memories are awful

 

[[Ne...]]

1 hour ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] thank u I just feel hopeless and the fact I was doing so good last year , I was drug free and living my life I can’t cope with it , I can’t cope that I’ve lost everything again 😞

Please remind yourself "I was drug free and living my life"!  You WILL get there!!!  You do not want to interrupt any healing time with more meds.  TIME WILL HEAL!  You can do this!!!!  Maybe staying off of Facebook and any social media will help the intrusive to not be so bad.  

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] I’m comparing my mistakes to other people any mistake I make if I see someone in my life or on a group or Facebook I think they would never have behaved like me and then I think about them and if they would behave like me and think their children are so happy compared to mine and so on it makes me burn inside so badly 

[[Ne...]]

3 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[Ne...] I feel like I’ve been really reckless in this wave , eating sugar and processed foods as so unwell can’t get my own food so my husband gets   I just eat it , I think I’m not going to make it anyway. Maybe I need to cut it out . I don’t leave my house 😞

did you have intense feelings of regret and shame ? 
 

the flash back memories are awful

Yes...at 70, I wish I could do my life over knowing what I know today.  I was a single mom raising 3 strong-willed optional children.  Never an easy day back then.  My oldest is 44.  And all the breakups/relationship choices that I regret even way back to my teens and early 20s.  I'm not haunted as much now about them.  I promise, if you just wait it out, your intrusive thoughts and regret and shame will dissipate.

[[Cr...]]

@[Lo...], it may do you good to take time off from social media in your state. It is very common when we feel like we have hit rock bottom to question our life choices and focus on regrets. It is also common to feel even worse about yourself when you see others that appear to be better off.

I say "appear" because Facebook is simply that... a face. It is the public persona that people like to present for others to see.

People are not likely to put their struggles or dirty laundry on Facebook. No photos of them crying after fights with significant others or receipts showing severe debt. No talking about the horrible things that have done in their pasts, just what they had for dinner and how content they are with life. Their Facebook will be filled with only smiling photos that indicate happiness. No posts about mistakes/regrets.

You can't truly know the full depth of a person's reality by looking at a smiling photo. For all you know several of your friends may be battling benzo addiction or dependency.

While the grass may look greener on the other side, it is often. Just astroturf.

Don't worry about the lives of others. Focus on your recovery and mental health so you can get back to being the best mom you can be.

[[Lo...]]

@[Cr...] @[Ne...] yes thank you for that . You are right but my brain cannot process it . I will come of fb but even still I think about these people in my head and compare . I even think about a relationship I had when 17 and how great his life must be and what he would think about how I’ve ended up and old school friends it’s just awful . Is this a symptom is what I’m wondering it spins in my head like the flash back memories do 😞  

[[Lo...]]

@[Ne...] did you unsafe and scared in this setback , like I feel impending doom morning and night like something is going to happen to me 

[[Cr...]]

45 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

I even think about a relationship I had when 17 and how great his life must be and what he would think about how I’ve ended up and old school friends it’s just awful

I remember reading somewhere that we are not as important to others as we make ourselves out to be. We feel like the center of everyone's attention because we are the center of our own attention and thus project that image onto other people. In withdrawal and times of high anxiety we are hyperfocused on ourselves and, due to depression, being over-critical and negative. Combine that with some paranoia and now we are projecting our irrational fears and negative thoughts into a false belief that those around us are thinking these same things about us.

In the off chance that random people from high school are thinking about you, does it matter in the grand scheme of things? Sure I could walk outside and a neighbor might think my outfit is ugly, but I can never truly know what they are thinking. I can only dwell on what they could be possibly thinking but the possibilities are infinite. But the kicker is no matter what they think, it does not change anything about reality. Them thinking I am rich doesn't make me  any more rich, them thinking I am good looking doesn't make me any more good looking, and them thinking I smell bad could be true after a deordorant-less long jog, but it matters not in the overall picture.

You are #1 only to yourself. To all these random acquaintances you are worried about you may not even be on their radar enough for them to even give 1 second of thought about you. If you are not worth their thoughts then perhaps you should reciprocate and make them not worth your own thoughts.

[[Ne...]]

33 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[Ne...] did you unsafe and scared in this setback , like I feel impending doom morning and night like something is going to happen to me 

Yes always!  In one of my setbacks, I even had to have a co-worker sit with me in my office.  I could not be alone.  And I was sleeping at night at my sister's but I still remember waking up at 3 in the morning everyday being scared to death and reminding myself that her husband was there in the house for protection.  It was so weird.  I don't have that as bad in this setback.  I was able to stay home and sleep in my own house even though it was not easy EVER!  If you read my journals, you would say "That is me".

[[Ne...]]

39 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] @[Ne...] yes thank you for that . You are right but my brain cannot process it . I will come of fb but even still I think about these people in my head and compare . I even think about a relationship I had when 17 and how great his life must be and what he would think about how I’ve ended up and old school friends it’s just awful . Is this a symptom is what I’m wondering it spins in my head like the flash back memories do 😞  

It is totally a symptom.  It will dissipate in time.

[[Ne...]]

2 hours ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] when I first was put on benzo is was because of a antibiotic reaction and they tried my on antidepressants then and I had horrific reactions to everything then I stopped everything after 5 months and healed a year later , because of how horrific the side effects were and I mean horror show levels I’m just scared what option I have now 😞 I don’t want a movement disorder on top of this that would finish me off . But I can’t cope at all , my doctor said to start on 400mg of quitiapean and bump up to 600mg he said a movement disorder would be extremely rare and unheard of , I really don’t trust him though . That’s why I’m thinking of the benzo, I just wonder if something could stabalize me . I feel like I’m dying alive 

It looks like your history shows you are very sensitive to meds as I found out too late trusting a doctor. If I would not have found benzobuddies, I would not be here.  I had no idea what was happening to me and of course when I went to see the doctor again early on in my inter dose withdrawal, she never suggested it was the medication making me crazy.  She prescribed an anti depressant.  Luckily, I only took it for a week or two.  If I were you, I would not touch another med and focus on just getting through each day.  You have healed once.  You will heal again!!!

[[Lo...]]

@[Ne...] how did you go to work with the impending doom? Would you mind if I messaged you . I’m just trying to think how on earth I can keep pushing through this 😞

[[Ne...]]

51 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

@[Ne...] how did you go to work with the impending doom? Would you mind if I messaged you . I’m just trying to think how on earth I can keep pushing through this 😞

Believe me...it has NEVER been easy.  I DREAD every single day...still!! 

I book conference rooms for educators so sometimes the downstairs is empty if there are no events.  I would walk in the empty conference rooms just crying and crying. Just feeling so crazed!! I had no idea what to do.  I still have no idea how the hell I made it through the previous 5 setbacks that kept getting longer, acute and more severe. 

One of my co-workers had been through a very short version of what I'm going through so that helped that at least someone I worked closely with experienced this hell.  Through all of this I lost so-called close friends and close co-workers who have retired.  Everyone else goes on living their life while we are barely existing. 

There's no magic potion on how to survive this torture.  Some days I just shake my head and still cannot believe this has happened to me especially this late in life.  I should be enjoying life!!  I should be enjoying retirement!!  I keep working just to stay alive!!!  But you are young!!  You have your life ahead of you!!  And you have healed so it means you will again!!!!

My working skills have not been damaged at all so at least when I'm busy at work it is a distraction from all my evil symptoms.  They all still prevail...I'm just not focused on my symptoms when I'm busy.  

I, also, have a very understanding boss who has been through this with me since the beginning.  And I don't have anyone breathing down my neck.  It's almost like I have my own business organizing and booking conference rooms.

This is hell...pure torture!  But we can only just keep hanging on.  NOTHING BUT TIME WILL HEAL!!  I totally believe to not complicate what is happening to us by thinking there is a magic pill or potion that will help.  If there was, there would be no sick people on this website.

[[I ...]]

3 hours ago, [[L...] said:

@[I ...] I feel so so awful , I can’t cope with these feelings inside me , there so bad 😞 and the thoughts , are you able to function ? 

Look, no matter how hard is to believe right now, please say to yourself that they're just stupid meaningless ocd thoughts which doesn't have anything with your real self. I know, they are very hard , they seems to look very scary and real, but one day you'll laugh on them!

I'm functional this time, because I've learned to deal with them somehow. I had them in my acute like 24/7 non stop, and naturally I have ocd from kid, so I passed countless episodes and I've learned to wear them. But still they are causing me some discomfort, especially before sleeping. Naturally I don't have sleep problems, but they are causing me, because I have them mostly in the night and I'm exhausted the next day. Thanks God my job is not hard and I can kick it with all that exhaustion.

Btw, I'm twice times divorced in 6 years, and the reasons were my benzo and opiates addiction and non functional nature most of the time back then. I took strength to quit with drugs because of my second husband (my biggest love) and I did it,  but unfortunately he also divorced me because he was too tired of my acute. Now, I'm alone, still missing him lik crazy, I'm living with my parents in my 39 age, I don't have kids, I'm not going out, I'm comparing with the others non stop, I have the feeling that I'm the unhappiest person on the planet and I would like as that to stay on Wikipedia also, hahaha 🤣 I have also constantly the scariest flash backs from whole past, I live on the Balkans where many things are very difficult, BUT no matter how hard again is, I'm not forgetting that for many months I was healed last year, I became a manager of a luxurious Spa centar, and I finished the first year on a menagment university, and while I was on benzoses I couldn't read one whole sentence!!!

Please, please find any other solution than to be reinstated on them again. Please think on the benefits that you got from being off of them and I'm sure that they're many.

I'm sure that you need a different kind of support how I have from my family and because of that I live with them. If I had kids and husband as you I'll be even worst with my setbacks, because that is a very big responsibility.

Try to find support members to care for your kids while you'll come back to yourself. I'm sure that that will be the right solution then going back on meds. Don't forget that they don't make miracles on long stages and you'll be again where you were and maybe even worst.

Everything will be good in the end.

Hugs from the warm Greece.🫠😘❤️

Edited July 5 by [I ...]

[[sh...]]

7 hours ago, [[L...] said:

I can’t get out of bed in the morning . I can’t care for my children or my home . I feel trapped and have no support . I don’t know which way to go . Please I’m thinking of going back on , 5 months into a setback caused by what ?? I don’t know stress? Flu? 

I was almost healed twice in a few years out I can’t take this another second 

major ocd , 

intrusive thouggts 

shame , guilt 

intense regret , flash back memories , SI on and off . Burning fizzing through my body 

burning aviation in pelvic region 

need to get out of my body feeling 

agitation and electrical voltage on mouth 

constantly comparing myself to others 

dread 

impending doom 

depression 

acrophobia now 

o feeling something bad on pending or about to happen to me 

I have all this now in taper and from other injuries in this. I wish I knew where to go. I wish I had answers for us. I'm with you

[[Fr...]]

7 hours ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] I’m comparing my mistakes to other people any mistake I make if I see someone in my life or on a group or Facebook I think they would never have behaved like me and then I think about them and if they would behave like me and think their children are so happy compared to mine and so on it makes me burn inside so badly 

Judging yourself or others based upon the lives they have is unfair. Everyone is dealt a different hand. Some people will be in the worst circumstances and luck into a person or experience that really benefits them. Some will start with everything and be dragged to the bottom. There is no fault or really even control in either situation  

Focus on what you can do now to improve your situation. Quitting social media seems like a great start. Big cess pool. Find one thing to improve each day is a good strategy. One day you will be doing 20 good fulfilling things per day. 

Lifestyle rehab is often a good thing to look into too. 

 

[[At...]]

12 hours ago, [[L...] said:

I can’t get out of bed in the morning . I can’t care for my children or my home . I feel trapped and have no support . I don’t know which way to go . Please I’m thinking of going back on , 5 months into a setback caused by what ?? I don’t know stress? Flu? 

I was almost healed twice in a few years out I can’t take this another second 

major ocd , 

intrusive thouggts 

shame , guilt 

intense regret , flash back memories , SI on and off . Burning fizzing through my body 

burning aviation in pelvic region 

need to get out of my body feeling 

agitation and electrical voltage on mouth 

constantly comparing myself to others 

dread 

impending doom 

depression 

acrophobia now 

o feeling something bad on pending or about to happen to me 

Oh Im so glad you posted!

Fizzing throughout the body also in the pelvic region is exactly what I am experiencing ... like restless leg syndrome everywhere. For me it's worse at night so I can't sleep.  Yes, flashbacks, intense regret, shame, OCD and intrusive thots.

 

For me, I have chronic complex PTSD ( CPTSD). As the clonazepam is leaving my body all this stuff is coming back. The flashbacks are SOOO filled with emotion. 

Do you have PTSD or trauma from childhood? 

[[Ma...]]

10 hours ago, [[L...] said:

@[Cr...] @[Ne...] yes thank you for that . You are right but my brain cannot process it . I will come of fb but even still I think about these people in my head and compare . I even think about a relationship I had when 17 and how great his life must be and what he would think about how I’ve ended up and old school friends it’s just awful . Is this a symptom is what I’m wondering it spins in my head like the flash back memories do 😞  

I’m dealing with the same thing I’m 40 years old 7 months into a horrible ordeal and I’m dealing with exactly what you described … it’s pure hell bc we don’t deserve this .

[[Da...]]

hi. this is my first post ever. am currently 10 months off, i was a very short term user (1 month) and quit cold turkey. Sadly i live in a third world country, doctors are useless and i had no proper guidance. Doctor was a gasentrologist and prescribed me benzos for dyspepsia. a month later my body built a tolerance and benzos not only stopped working, they made my health worse. Realizing this, i quit cold turkey. i later found out this was a bad idea. From the beginning itself my case has been very different, my withdrawal started 13 days after i quit. for thirteen days i didnt feel a thing and was still 100% clueless as to what happened so far and what's to come. on day 13, its like someone flipped on the switch of hell in my life. i researched online and found out tht i was going through benzo withdrawal. a week later i went to another doctor to get some sort of relief, but as i said they are all clueless, this guy prescribes me more benzos and an ssri. the guy says i'll be fine, hard part is over, see thts how clueless they are. anyway, i didnt listen to him, didnt get more benzos but i thought i'll take the ssri as i was looking for any relief possible. that was the second deadly mistake, the doctor had presribed a really heavy dosage pill and it took only one pill for me to get serotonin poisoning. this is where my real hell started. everything i was already going through had been amplified by 20 times and i was going through even newer types of pain now. i couldnt sleep for a week, not even a minute. benzo w/d itself takes ur sleep away, now add serotonin toxicity on top which also causes insomnia, so thats why i couldnt even for a second for a week. i was in so much pain and agony that i wanted to die, my family wanted to take me to ER but were afraid of the butchers who call themselves doctors, they were afraid what if i came back in a body bag. so we decided to wait it out and just pray. my next month and a half was pure hell on earth. it got easier as the damage caused by serotonin toxicity healed. these past ten months i have read every benzo related news, article, post, watched every video by survivors or doctors, visited every forum out there that i could find. trying to answer the dozens of questions eating me inside. what am i going through ? how long will it last ? will i ever get better ? when will i get better ? is this normal during withdrawal ? where did i go wrong ? why is this happening to me ? the questions dont end. there is this webpage, not sure if its on this website or some other, but it lists all the known benzo withdrawal symptoms, they are almost a hundred maybe and they are all categorized alphabetically. every post i came through people had very few of them, it was either physical symptoms or psychological or mixture of both for most people but there were very few select symptoms and most of those people were long term users. but in my case despite being only a 1 month user, i have had almost each and every symptom mentioned in that list except for seizures. other than tht, be it physical or psyhological, the list of my symptoms has been endless. my brain doesn't work, i cant think, i cant concentrate, i cant focus, i cant remember, i keep forgetting everything, heck i am having speech problems now, cant remember words, cant make sentences, even in my native language. my body doesnt work, am fatigued all the time, i have no strength, am in pain constantly and body's burning all the time. something as basic as getting up from the bed has torn my chest muscles thrice. one second am cold the next am hot. tinnitus, panic attacks, benzo belly, sensitivity to literally every food on the planet, cant eat, cant sleep, cant do any work, basically am as useless as a dirty rag right now. am not even writing most of my symptoms as i'd be writing for pages. i have lost my purpose of being alive. so many times i came very close to ending my life. one time the gun was in my hand upto my head and i almost pressed the trigger, but the thought of my family stopped me. ten months later my physical symptoms arent as intense as they used to be, but my psychological symptoms actually have gotten worse over time. the anxiety, depression, the negativity, the agitation, the frustration, aggression, i hate everything and everyone. my relationship with everybody has been strained, even with God. i have lost the will to live, i dont see a light at the end of this tunnel. because i feel like a dog chasing its tail endlessly. i get a tiny window of relief, i think am healing or getting better and next thing i know the symptoms come back, even the symptoms that hadnt appeared for months and i thought were gone permanently. in the past 10 months i have only felt the sense of normalcy for like 3 times maybe and it was so brief that it felt like seconds. in the past 10 months life has given me hope like 10,000 times only to take it away the moment i felt it. this is what i mean by a dog chasing its tail endlessly. benzo withdrawal really is the most inhumane and cruel thing there is. am a straight guy, but am not embarassed to say that ever since this whole thing started, i have cried like a gallon of tears. always wondering what did i do to deserve this ? why me ? no one in my life understands what am going through. and please no judging abt how negative i sound, i saw one guy criticizing a guy like me in a post on this website. keep in mind this is what benzo does to us, everyone has a different experience, different intensity, different reaction to it, everybody is different. something that's an inconvenience to one person can be another's personal hell. everybody has a different capacity/limit. and this withdrawal has literally destroyed every drop of positivity i had in my life.

anyway, up until now i have been a quite observer, but today i was forced to make a post because of the discussion in this page. because up until now what i have known of benzo withdrawal so far is that we do eventually heal no matter how far into the future it is. there are windows of relief and waves of symptoms that come and go until we are eventually 100% healed. but today i came across some of the members here saying some things that hopefully is just me misinterpreting them. first of all what do u guys mean by u were "healed" and then had a "setback". this really confused me and is freaking me out because how can u go back into withdrawal IF you are healed. and what do u mean by setback ? somebody please explain before i make myself crazy with the negative thoughts.

Edited July 6 by [Da...]
remembered more stuff that i wanted to add

[[Lo...]]

9 hours ago, [[A...] said:

Oh Im so glad you posted!

Fizzing throughout the body also in the pelvic region is exactly what I am experiencing ... like restless leg syndrome everywhere. For me it's worse at night so I can't sleep.  Yes, flashbacks, intense regret, shame, OCD and intrusive thots.

For me, I have chronic complex PTSD ( CPTSD). As the clonazepam is leaving my body all this stuff is coming back. The flashbacks are SOOO filled with emotion. 

Do you have PTSD or trauma from childhood? 

@[At...] no I didn’t I was fine before this awful mess 😞 have no idea what to do as not sure how to continue on in this state 

[[I ...]]

9 hours ago, [[M...] said:

I’m dealing with the same thing I’m 40 years old 7 months into a horrible ordeal and I’m dealing with exactly what you described … it’s pure hell bc we don’t deserve this .

Hi buddy. I'm exactly the same.

How long you're off ?

I'm 30 months and very disappointed why I'm experiencing a setback so long being off.

I thought I'm healed.

[[Lo...]]

16 hours ago, [[I...] said:

Look, no matter how hard is to believe right now, please say to yourself that they're just stupid meaningless ocd thoughts which doesn't have anything with your real self. I know, they are very hard , they seems to look very scary and real, but one day you'll laugh on them!

I'm functional this time, because I've learned to deal with them somehow. I had them in my acute like 24/7 non stop, and naturally I have ocd from kid, so I passed countless episodes and I've learned to wear them. But still they are causing me some discomfort, especially before sleeping. Naturally I don't have sleep problems, but they are causing me, because I have them mostly in the night and I'm exhausted the next day. Thanks God my job is not hard and I can kick it with all that exhaustion.

Btw, I'm twice times divorced in 6 years, and the reasons were my benzo and opiates addiction and non functional nature most of the time back then. I took strength to quit with drugs because of my second husband (my biggest love) and I did it,  but unfortunately he also divorced me because he was too tired of my acute. Now, I'm alone, still missing him lik crazy, I'm living with my parents in my 39 age, I don't have kids, I'm not going out, I'm comparing with the others non stop, I have the feeling that I'm the unhappiest person on the planet and I would like as that to stay on Wikipedia also, hahaha 🤣 I have also constantly the scariest flash backs from whole past, I live on the Balkans where many things are very difficult, BUT no matter how hard again is, I'm not forgetting that for many months I was healed last year, I became a manager of a luxurious Spa centar, and I finished the first year on a menagment university, and while I was on benzoses I couldn't read one whole sentence!!!

Please, please find any other solution than to be reinstated on them again. Please think on the benefits that you got from being off of them and I'm sure that they're many.

I'm sure that you need a different kind of support how I have from my family and because of that I live with them. If I had kids and husband as you I'll be even worst with my setbacks, because that is a very big responsibility.

Try to find support members to care for your kids while you'll come back to yourself. I'm sure that that will be the right solution then going back on meds. Don't forget that they don't make miracles on long stages and you'll be again where you were and maybe even worst.

Everything will be good in the end.

Hugs from the warm Greece.🫠😘❤️

@[I ...]  im really suffering so much , I don’t know how to cope , the thoughts and feelings are just taking me down . This is the worst acute I have felt . Are you able to function ?