Used Klonopin once at 60 days (1mg) & once yesterday (77 days after I quit using it daily)

[[Al...]]

These are the only two times I've used it (the first time was b/c I got into a major altercation with a neighbor over her not keeping her dog on a leash), but I'm afraid it will do something to me.  I got really mad yesterday while at work I was thinking about my family and how much I hate them.  I tried to use mindfulness, but it didn't seem to help.  I eventually convinced myself that between being forced to live with people who had previously physically and verbally abused me, and the economy being so garbage that I can't get away from them, even with a $15/hr full time job, that this planet is Hell.  Might seem extreme, but I also quit smoking a few weeks ago.  I should have remained mindful that it was likely partially PTSD, but mainly nic withdrawals.

I do NOT want to get stuck on benzos again.  I'm scared, and hopefully this fear with serve as motivation for me to not touch them again.  My mom gets a klonopin prescription, and while it served me well during my taper (since my doctors had cut me off early), it is now a bit of a roadblock.  I don't think I took enough to reignite withdrawals, as I actually felt what I took, meaning the tolerance is way down.  I also used to take about this much once a month after I quit last time, without any negative effects, til I went back on them a couple years later.  But I do not want to chance anything, and from here on out I don't care how hard life is or how anxious I get.  My brain needs a good 3 months to heal completely, after which, why rock the boat?

No point whatsoever in doing that I now have freedom from benzo withdrawals and dependence ANY PROBLEM that I face today, even PTSD, is a drop in a bucket compared to having to go through benzo tolerance/fear of running out again!

[[Al...]]

I think, for now, I'm going to stop the smoking abstinence, and just focus on getting like 6 months away from benzos first.  The stress and pressure of doing both is way too much.  I'm fine with this.  I believe in my ability to quit I went 33 days then 11 days then 17 days and just now 23 days without smoking or vaping.  I can do it when the time comes!

[[Pa...]]

I think this is a good idea, staying clear from benzodiazepines should be your main focus right now, and having them close by can be rough, can you ask your mom to secure her prescription or can you stay away?  

3 minutes ago, [[A...] said:

I think, for now, I'm going to stop the smoking abstinence, and just focus on getting like 6 months away from benzos first.  The stress and pressure of doing both is way too much.  I'm fine with this.  I believe in my ability to quit I went 33 days then 11 days then 17 days and just now 23 days without smoking or vaping.  I can do it when the time comes!

 

[[Al...]]

12 hours ago, [[P...] said:

I think this is a good idea, staying clear from benzodiazepines should be your main focus right now, and having them close by can be rough, can you ask your mom to secure her prescription or can you stay away?  

I can stay away I actually asked for them both times I took them.  I had some leftover when I quit same dose she takes so she just put them into her bottle.  If I where sneaking them then I would be worried.  Yes benzo abstinence has to come first I'll just vape in the meantime until I get a grip on the benzos.

[[Js...]]

Hey Alex!

I often think about you as you were one of the first threads I read.

I'm in my early thirties and left home at a very young age. I understand the parent thing and wanting to get out all too well. 

Let's shift our focus to only being about you.

• Your neighbor will not be your neighbor forever, and I doubt you will live with your family forever too. That being said, you are right; the economy for housing is rough and the main thing is not to end up homeless or in a rough housing situation (you can find my progress log in the forums that relates)

 

• I recently quit smoking cigarettes as well, but I vape instead. I consider it a victory as cigarettes is not sustainable in terms of being sociable in the current times (smelling like an ashtray, throwing butts away, finding a roommate)

16 hours ago, [[A...] said:

These are the only two times I've used it (the first time was b/c I got into a major altercation with a neighbor over her not keeping her dog on a leash), but I'm afraid it will do something to me.

I do NOT want to get stuck on benzos again.  I'm scared, and hopefully this fear with serve as motivation for me to not touch them again. 

• Good! You are identifying the source and the root cause to clearly define the problem and avoid a relapse. Have you considered creating a progress log? I read mine pretty often. I am brutally honest with mine
• Use this time to start saving money, when I was in my early 20's I landed a promotion and was making more money than I am currently. I was not happy even though I had all the blows and whistles in life. 15$ for 40 hrs a week can be manageable depending on how you spend and if you roommate stack / having a second job.

I would forget that your mother has anything. You are not going back to benzos so it matters not. I will be brief since its late at night, but be strong Alex.

Forever strong

[[Js...]]

I should add, just because you have used twice in your time of being sober is not an indicator of you back on the drug. You have the mindset of a sober person, that is what will carry you. 

 

[[Al...]]

10 hours ago, [[J...] said:

Hey Alex!

I often think about you as you were one of the first threads I read.

I'm in my early thirties and left home at a very young age. I understand the parent thing and wanting to get out all too well. 

Let's shift our focus to only being about you.

• Your neighbor will not be your neighbor forever, and I doubt you will live with your family forever too. That being said, you are right; the economy for housing is rough and the main thing is not to end up homeless or in a rough housing situation (you can find my progress log in the forums that relates)

• I recently quit smoking cigarettes as well, but I vape instead. I consider it a victory as cigarettes is not sustainable in terms of being sociable in the current times (smelling like an ashtray, throwing butts away, finding a roommate)

• Good! You are identifying the source and the root cause to clearly define the problem and avoid a relapse. Have you considered creating a progress log? I read mine pretty often. I am brutally honest with mine
• Use this time to start saving money, when I was in my early 20's I landed a promotion and was making more money than I am currently. I was not happy even though I had all the blows and whistles in life. 15$ for 40 hrs a week can be manageable depending on how you spend and if you roommate stack / having a second job.

I would forget that your mother has anything. You are not going back to benzos so it matters not. I will be brief since its late at night, but be strong Alex.

Forever strong

Thank you so much for this.  I'm glad to know that somebody thinks about me on here!!  Thank you for all of the advice how do I create a process log?  I'm still waking up but I'll def message you in a bit!

[[Al...]]

10 hours ago, [[J...] said:

I should add, just because you have used twice in your time of being sober is not an indicator of you back on the drug. You have the mindset of a sober person, that is what will carry you. 

True I find the NA Mindset to be detrimental to recovery I remember a lady that was in the program when I was still going told me her mom died and she took an ativan and counted it as a relapse and gave up 10 years of clean time, which is ridiculous.  I consider this a lapse.  I'm going to vape and only vape from now on until I get a lot of time away from klonopin, and never look back!  I have 14 months clean in general (I don't count medications I was dependent on my last relapse was back in April 2023 I went out and bought Kratom).