9 days off Clonazepam; no lust for life

[[si...]]

I dont see why i do this. I quit every drug, including a benzo addiction, and now i keep asking myself, if i am not really, really ill?
I know, theoretically it can be WD. I just dont give a damn. About nothing. I care about almost nothing. I dont know why or for whom i am doing this.
I feel disabled. Nothing works. Almost no money, no work. I dont see friends very often, i dont want to. My girlfriend is the only person, really.
In a way i feel i am taking advantage of her. Still she is quite positive and caring. I probably do it for her. Not for me. I want drugs, i want pills.
I want myself to shut up. I dont want no more depression, no more anxiety, no more weird body and mind. No more lack of concentration.
I lost a lot of weight, i cant eat; still i eat too much sometimes; my belly goes mad. I dont eat enough, same thing. I am not hungry. I drink too much coffee, i turn into a bull in the ring. I miss laughter, colours, music... everything. Beyond my eyes is a grey world. I dont see no goal to go for. 
I havent been without drugs long, long time. I dont think i can. My family is quite weird, sick some would say. There is schizophrenia and other mental illness. I feel psychotic. I do feel joy some times, but i dont know if its real. Really... I feel sad. Damn, im sick of life. But still i am too scared to get drugs or take benzos again. Maybe its good to feel scared. I havent done drugs since months now, because im scared of the consequences. NO benzos since 9 days and rigorous taper since about 2-3 months, because im scared. I'd be even more alone if i start again. But then again i dont want a life like this right now, because its not worth living, if life is like this. I only remember some episodes in life where i was sober; no drugs. And i remember them very dull and sad. I cant deal with life. i guess i pity myself. I see that it could be WD but i dont think so. I am not a bad person when i use drugs. I always tell myself i am a nicer person. My girlfriend says she likes me better like this. Like a zombie. A Zombie with feelings. Sad and fckd up feelings. I cry more. I need to laugh about myself. I forget too many thing. This are some of my thoughts right now. Maybe its good to write them down and get rid of them. If you read it... thanks for reading so long!

[[je...]]

The zombie feeling is very real. There’s just nothing that excites you or makes you sad, you have no range of emotions. There’s nothing to look forward to and you don’t feel you have a purpose. It will pass eventually. I’m 19 months off my emotions gradually starting coming back. My physical symptoms improved but I still had lots of lethargy where I just didn’t feel like doing anything even though I was physically better to do it.

It was so frustrating because I always thought when I physically improved I’ll jump at everything that I struggled to do before. But no, here I was, feeling better with no energy or willpower to want to get out and participate in life. But that got better as well. I’m gradually seeing improvements and I’m amazed at how much interest and energy I’m having to live life again. Right now just allow yourself to be and trust that with time all these feelings will return and you’ll live the life you want to.

[[pi...]]

Hello @[si...],

It’s really early days for you in terms of recovery. As @[je...]states, that ‘meh’ feeling is a common part of this process.  Our human feelings and emotions do return. Sometimes they come back slowly, other times they rush in. Either way, you’ll feel these changes as your system recovers.

[[si...]]

I appreciate you both took the time to read and write!
Frustration is what i can relate to the most. Good to hear you are better jelly babe!
You struggled quite long and you had the patience. Good lord, im jealous...
What are you doing to not loose your mind? I mean to not freak out or give up and quit?
I try to tell myself it will get better and i must hope. But i get zynical towards myself which leads to a rebellion against my hypocrisy.

I feel talking and explaining is useless. You know that? I am happy and greatful for everyone: for close friends, advice and patience. Still, after i talk and talk, explain and listen, i come to realise: best thing for me would be to stay "strong" and chew the fat.
My thoughts, my mind, my self-hate (if i narrow it down, to what it it is) lead to indifference, a tired-of-life feeling. I ask myself, if life should be like this: just holding on? Is that a life worth living? I have no guarantee that it will get better. Its like hoping for sun tomorrow. I feel, its not worth. I would not kill myself. At least not in a desperate or sincere fashion.
Because i dont like myself, especially not the way i am NOW, i take drugs and benzos.
Somehow it is also killing myself. I kill emotions and eventually my body with drugs and pills. But i choose too. Even though i dont see it as killing myself. In the end living is always killing yourself. God damn i sound desperate and dark. 

To deal with myself and life i take drugs and benzos. I have always done so. I ran away from myself. Maybe for a reason? Maybe life is too heavy for me to bear? Too ugly to look at? Too exhausting to face? Too fatal to live with?  Maybe i just like to feel good. Be happy. I never learned to cope with lifes many facets.
So i feel: its either compensation or compensation. Life is to be compensated. Excuse my english. Compensated in either way. Work hard and pretend life is ok or block life. Both ways i have to pay a price. Compensation has its price.

So i just let thoughts pass. Unmodified. Raw thoughts. Pro and contra. 
Maybe i wake up tomorrow and i feel good. Maybe i just feel better.
Nothing is certain. Its just thinking.