What can i do? What should i have done? Have to make up my mind

[[...]]

I made a terrible mistake that damaged my brain. Need to know once and for all what exactly happened and what would be the right thing to do. Can you help me? 

So i tapered the benzo slowly, very confortable process, only had anxiety and irritability. Onde off i felt great like i was reborn and waking up from a coma, depression lifted, i could finally see the benzo was causing it all. 

Still had the normal anxiety post taper, didnt respect the process and made the stupidest mistake that changed all my life. Took rescue doses, each of them weeks appart from each other, felt no apparent issues til one of those doses.

Woke up the next day with tinnitus and feeling a completely different person like a switch was off in the brain, numb for life with no intentionality towards the simple actions such as turning left or right and forcing simple tasks increased the despair. Lobomy feeling, no connection to life, paralyzed feeling behind the eyes, world seemed dull, colours no vibrant anymore. 

It progressively got worse as time passed and physical stuff started, body appearence changed overnight, diferents hapes and structures, tense muscles. But nothing too bad compared to what was coming. Could still force myself to walk outside the house despite having no intentionality or spontaneaty.

2 months after that dose and because i thought these issues was caused by a single AD dose i also took that day, i took another benzo dose out of desperation. It calmed things for many hours and i was able to do the simple things with less despair.

After that effect it all got much worse than before, it kept on getting worse and aditional issues started. Then i knew the hard way the culprit was the benzo. 

Legs are like two sticks separade from the rest of the body, gait like i"m marching throwing legs forward and  slowly. Neck and trapezius very damaged, cant move head, painfull swallen, feels inflamed. Whole body feels like stone and weighting 500 kilos smashing the feet to the ground, cant stand it, have to sit if i take a step. Face changed features, lips and chin smaller, mouth looks like having no teeth, inside of the mouth also changed, less space, doesent hold food properly. Lost my youthful looking, wrinkles and marks overnight, neck became rapidly forward, big hunchback like the bones are deformed and wanting to come out of the body. Back feels like having a monster there crashing me. Sick eyes and facial expression. 

"Mentally" is like my brain is in shock but not in an anxious way, not fight or flight, not a mind thing, not controled by the mind and calling it a mental thing is deceiving as i"m not anxious, depressed or psychotic, Its hard to explain and i have this need to do it even to myself, its definitely neurogical hyperexcitability, like a restlessness or akathisia that cant even handle movement, meaning i cant do anything. Its almost like a big vertigo. 

For example, taking something out of the fridge, because i want to eat, its the biggest torture. I have to it eat fast and little portion despite having a big apetite. Have to spend all day like a statue sitting in a chair looking at the TV watching things that i have no interest in because i cant exist in any way or be in silence, cant watch nothing that was part of my life or contact people. Locked inside the house, cant even look at the window or get some fresh air because of this "mental" thing, and i want it so bad. Even typing here is bad.

Cant be in bed if not sleeping which is only 4 hours. Body start to attack me more physically and mentally if i force myself to be there as i want to rest. Have no option but to get up. Once up i have to stand like a statue as any movement makes it all worse. But being a statue its not bearable too. Its like i cant exist in any way, controled by the brain and not the mind no matter how i try.

If i cry or talk my nervous system attacks me more mentally and physically. It cant handle anything.

Been living with my mother since this happened, ruining what's left of my mothers health who is old already and aged so much in these last 7 months. She cant go on like this without me being able to do anything at the house and bursting into tears and rage thats not controláble at all as this isnt me even though my consciouness is watching it all. If something happens to her i cant go on.

 I"ve been running around in circles in my head about what really happened in order to also know what is the best course to take and finally rest my mind about this, cant handle what i've done and the doubt.

Was this the kindling effect as in severe withdrawl triggered by those doses, meaning i should have reinstated when this started avoiding all the damage that followed? 

If so, is it too late now as the damage has been done and it likely wouldnt cover it? 

If so, is it too late to do it as the damage took its course because i didnt reinstate at the beginning?

The dose had a calming effect for many hours, so it wasnt an adverse reaction. Would it be wise to have taking it again and dosed more/reinstated? Or would it be risky as it could cause worse effects before the next daily dose? 

Is my fear of reinstating rational? Cant even look at the pills but wonder if this fear is part of the injury this caused vs rational fear.

I cant see how am i going to continue to do this one more minute and not knowing the prognosis. Getting less able to do the little things that i have to in order to survive.

Appreciate any input.

[[pi...]]

Hello @[...],

Rescue doses can put a person on a slippery slope in terms of establishing a dependency or experiencing kindling. The fact you felt relief after the last rescue dose points to the benzo being the factor in term of how you feel.

Are you taking any other medications? Did you just take one dose of the AD? 

Frankly, it doesn’t take much or long to upset a very fragile nervous system. I personally would not reinstate. You would be losing all you accomplished with your slow taper. Additionally, reinstatement does not always work and can lead to kindling, where successive withdrawals become more difficult.

When exactly was the last resume dose? It can take time for the system to settle down and allow you to return to your baseline. If it were me, I would stay away from benzos, and try to find alternative ways to deal with stress and anxiety. In reality, this will be important for your future, that is, finding ways to deal with stress rather than reaching for a benzo.

 

 

 

[[...]]

@[pi...], thanks for answering.

The taper is already ruined with these doses, its like i CTd each time i took one as it lead to more severe stuff than the previous, completly life altering disabling me. I do believe it hit me so bad because my CNS was still very sensitized from the taper. Maybe the right thing to do should have just reinstated when this started to prevent further damage, but because i never had these issues with the benzos i thought it was the one single AD dose. No other meds. I kept waiting for it to get better, and it all got worse, só many mistakes and unecessary destruction. The last benzo dose was 5 months ago 

 

 

[[pi...]]

I’m not sure how frequently you took rescue doses, but in terms of being benzo free, I would suggest you were benzo free after the last dose you took. In that  case, 5 months off is pretty early in recovery. I certainly had a plethora of symptoms at 5 months off. The best, but the most difficult thing I did was to accept that I needed to go through this process, adopting  patience and acceptance. I think you are stronger than you think and you can get through these rough times and start to see improvements as time progresses. 

[[...]]

@[pi...] i took about 5 rescue doses before the one that triggered kindling 7 months ago. The second and last that made it worse was 5 months ago