Can anyone provide me with some support?

[[Av...]]

….

Edited July 5 by [Av...]

[[Co...]]

Hi @[Av...]. I'm just catching up with posts, but I see that you've edited out your comments from your post from yesterday.

Can we help you with anything?

[[Lo...]]

@[Av...] I am in the same boat no alcohol but in a setback with the same symptoms 😞

[[Av...]]

15 hours ago, [[C...] said:

Hi @[Av...]. I'm just catching up with posts, but I see that you've edited out your comments from your post from yesterday.

Can we help you with anything?

I'm just so depressed and scared Colin and in desperate need of some reassurance. I'm petrified that I might have damaged my Gaba receptors to an irreparable state. 

I now think, when I look back, that my moderate drinking of alcohol was probably affecting me in a similar way to what you described in your initial response. I just didn't realize it.

I also think that I experienced a setback in 2022, but not knowing anything about setbacks didn't realize this. I had severe rumination and a feeling of unease in my head. It left almost overnight after about 10 months or so. But, it had been intense enough for me to seek therapy (didn't think it was benzo related as was so far off benzos, but now think it likely it was). 

What I have been experiencing recently, however, is 100x worse. The feeling of unease in my head is abject terror and causing me to pace up to 14 hours a day. If I'm not pacing I am rocking with my face in a cushion begging God to give me the strength to get through this and screaming at times. The rumination makes me feel like pulling my hair out and punching my forehead at times, it is that intense. I also have looping songs, panic attacks, insomnia and am crying all the time. I've gone from barely thinking about benzo WD and living a fairly decent and enjoyable life, eating well, exercising, socializing, sleeping well to being completely housebound and disabled. And, all because I stupidly drank far too much in a bar trying to get to know people in the area my partner and I had recently moved to. I wasn't really in the mood for drinking and was going to order a soft drink, but thought "what the hell?" I ended up in a round with people who drink far larger quantities than me and forgot myself, there was beer, shots etc involved and I drank to the point where I don't really recall how I got home. I feel so stupid now. 

This happened at the end of January, so I am now entering the 6th month since and still feel like I'm in hell. Every day is torture. My akathisia from valium WD was not as bad as this and did not go on as long.

I've been talking to a benzo coach and a benzo buddy and they both think that this is a setback, albeit a bad one, an acute type setback, and that things will resolve in time and I'll be back to where I was. Can this really be the case? They are convinced that it won't take as long as it took to recover from my actual valium WD, but I am so scared due to the severity of the symptoms. In my head it's going to be years of healing again. 

Like I said, I guess I'm looking for some reassurance that I haven't completely destroyed any chance of healing now. I've been absolutely traumatized by this experience, having truly believed that I would never experience the horror of akathisia and intense WD symptoms ever again. I only wish i'd been more informed about the danger of alcohol post-benzo use and the phenomenon of setbacks. I was totally ignorant. I am absolutely devastated and cannot stop crying. Some of this is probably a chemical symptom, but a lot of it is reactionary to the situation I now find myself in.  

If anyone can help me feel some hope please respond. 

Edited July 7 by [Av...]
typo

[[Av...]]

11 hours ago, [[L...] said:

@[Av...] I am in the same boat no alcohol but in a setback with the same symptoms 😞

I just looked at your posts. I experienced very similar symptoms in WD. I have messaged you. 

[[Co...]]

4 hours ago, [[A...] said:

I'm just so depressed and scared Colin and in desperate need of some reassurance. I'm petrified that I might have damaged my Gaba receptors to an irreparable state.

You know, these kinds of feelings are pretty common. But innumerable members have gone through this and moved on. Most have long left BB are (in the vast majority cases, I am sure) leading a normal life.

4 hours ago, [[A...] said:

I now think, when I look back, that my moderate drinking of alcohol was probably affecting me in a similar way to what you described in your initial response. I just didn't realize it.

When members report problems with alcohol destabilizing their recovery, it is invariably a temporary state, and for a shorter period than standard withdrawal symptoms. I went though this several times before I understood what was happening. It was always relatively short compared with actual withdrawal. Try not to worry about it.

4 hours ago, [[A...] said:

I also think that I experienced a setback in 2022, but not knowing anything about setbacks didn't realize this. I had severe rumination and a feeling of unease in my head. It left almost overnight after about 10 months or so. But, it had been intense enough for me to seek therapy (didn't think it was benzo related as was so far off benzos, but now think it likely it was).

Of course there is no way for any of us to be sure about these kinds of situations. Try to forget about it - what is done is done. Except for you worrying/ruminating about it, it is in the past.

4 hours ago, [[A...] said:

What I have been experiencing recently, however, is 100x worse. The feeling of unease in my head is abject terror and causing me to pace up to 14 hours a day. If I'm not pacing I am rocking with my face in a cushion begging God to give me the strength to get through this and screaming at times. The rumination makes me feel like pulling my hair out and punching my forehead at times, it is that intense. I also have looping songs, panic attacks, insomnia and am crying all the time. I've gone from barely thinking about benzo WD and living a fairly decent and enjoyable life, eating well, exercising, socializing, sleeping well to being completely housebound and disabled. And, all because I stupidly drank far too much in a bar trying to get to know people in the area my partner and I had recently moved to. I wasn't really in the mood for drinking and was going to order a soft drink, but thought "what the hell?" I ended up in a round with people who drink far larger quantities than me and forgot myself, there was beer, shots etc involved and I drank to the point where I don't really recall how I got home. I feel so stupid now.

Again, try not to dwell upon it. You will recover. But if your mental state is so affected that you feel unsafe, you should contact your therapist (or doctor).

4 hours ago, [[A...] said:

This happened at the end of January, so I am now entering the 6th month since and still feel like I'm in hell. Every day is torture. My akathisia from valium WD was not as bad as this and did not go on as long.

I suspect that some of this you due to you worrying out it. It is understandable, but from what I have seen, the resurfacing of symptoms due to a trigger like alcohol consumption invariably reverse themselves at some stage. For me, it was around the 5-6 month mark.

4 hours ago, [[A...] said:

I've been talking to a benzo coach and a benzo buddy and they both think that this is a setback, albeit a bad one, an acute type setback, and that things will resolve in time and I'll be back to where I was. Can this really be the case? They are convinced that it won't take as long as it took to recover from my actual valium WD, but I am so scared due to the severity of the symptoms. In my head it's going to be years of healing again.

If you feel that you cannot cope or feel unsafe, again, you should contact your therapist (not an unqualified withdrawal coach) or a doctor. If it is more that you are feeling dreadful, but managing to cope (and are safe), more time should resolve this. But it would not harm to talk with your therapist anyway - it might be all the reassurance you need.

4 hours ago, [[A...] said:

Like I said, I guess I'm looking for some reassurance that I haven't completely destroyed any chance of healing now. I've been absolutely traumatized by this experience, having truly believed that I would never experience the horror of akathisia and intense WD symptoms ever again. I only wish i'd been more informed about the danger of alcohol post-benzo use and the phenomenon of setbacks. I was totally ignorant. I am absolutely devastated and cannot stop crying. Some of this is probably a chemical symptom, but a lot of it is reactionary to the situation I now find myself in.  

If anyone can help me feel some hope please respond. 

You have not 'completely destroyed any chance of healing'. It is a temporary disruption. Just be sure to avoid all consumption of alcohol for at least the foreseeable future.

If you are feeling this distraught, you should probably contact your therapist. Seeking some real-world, professional support would seem sensible to help you get over this hump.

[[Av...]]

Thank you Colin so much!

I will re-read your words whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed. And, I will do my best to trust in the Gods of neuroplasticity and believe that I will recover and heal from this and that it won't take years like my original withdrawal. 

Out of interest, and I realize it doesn't mean that my recovery will be the same, when you had your setbacks that resolved within 5-6 months was the improvement gradual or more of a sudden shift?

Thanks again. 

[[Co...]]

2 hours ago, [[A...] said:

Out of interest, and I realize it doesn't mean that my recovery will be the same, when you had your setbacks that resolved within 5-6 months was the improvement gradual or more of a sudden shift?

It is a very long time ago. I think there was several months of little change, and then a turn around over a relatively short period. I'm sure it was not a gradual recovery over the six months. And neither did I suddenly heal overnight. I can't be more exact than this. And in any case, there surely will be variability if how e recover from these episodes.

[[Cr...]]

@[Av...], one step that may help you overcome this is to forgive yourself for this setback. There is no benefit whatsoever to you constantly thinking 'if only' in reference to the past.

If you can manage that, the next step is to recognize that people often find subsequent withdrawals more intense than prior ones. Part of this can be due to some peoples receptors being more sensitive to benzos and alcohol long after they recovered. The other part of how you are feeling may be due to ptsd of sorts. You remember how awful benzo wd felt, so now you have a lot more anxiety about being back in a similar situation. During your first withdrawal you probably didn't know what to expect. People often don't have anxiety about touching a hot stove until they have already touched it once. Now this extra anxiety may be intensifying your symptoms.

I quit  .5 mg klonopin (10 mgs Valium) cold turkey in October 2009. For the next 14 months my symptoms were actually tolerable. I made the mistake of drinking during those 14 months and that pretty much prevented/reversed any healing. Symptoms came roaring back so severe that I reinstated klonopin for 3 weeks and did another c/t. After 2 more months I started improving and so I regretfully drank heavy just 1 night, and I was in absolute hell the next day. From that day (March 16th, 2011) onward I had the toughest battle of my life. Finally I healed around May/June of 2012.

During those 14 months I battled many severe episodes of:

Anxiety, restlessness, depression, intrusive thoughts, catastrophic thinking, no appetite, burning skin, stomach pains, morning cortisol rushes, morning vomiting, insomnia.

Things would get better, then worse, then a little better, then a lot worse... etc. So I understand why it feels like life as you know it will never go back to normal. But that thinking is itself a product of the anxiety produced by going through recovery from benzo/alcohol use.

Your gaba receptors will recover over time. Right now just try to calmly examine any of your physical sensations and realize that they are nothing more than signals of repairwork going on in your body. Accept that this anxiety, feeling of doom, and rumination are also normal for people in your state. Those symptoms will only go away as more recovery time has passed. So you will need to try to accept them as annoying roommates. They cannot be kicked out until their lease is up (more recovery).

Finally, many members (myself being one) have had periods where we felt drastically better almost overnight after a long period of severe suffering. Intense suffering is a sign of intense healing, which itself is a precursor to getting better.

Take care

[[Av...]]

12 hours ago, [[C...] said:

@[Av...], one step that may help you overcome this to forgive yourself for this setback. There is no benefit whatsoever to you constantly thinking 'if only' in reference to the past.

If you can manage that, the next step is to recognize that people often find subsequent withdrawals more intense than prior ones. Part of this can be due to some peoples receptors being more sensitive to benzos and alcohol long after they recovered. The other part of how you are feeling may be due to ptsd of sorts. You remember how awful benzo wd felt, so now you have a lot more anxiety about being back in a similar situation. During your first withdrawal you probably didn't know what to expect. People often don't have anxiety about touching a hot stove until they have already touched it once. Now this extra anxiety may be intensifying your symptoms.

I quit  .5 mg klonopin (10 mgs Valium) cold turkey in October 2009. For the next 14 months my symptoms were actually tolerable. I made the mistake of drinking during those 14 months and that pretty much prevented/reversed any healing. Symptoms came roaring back so severe that I reinstated klonopin for 3 weeks and did another c/t. After 2 more months I started improving and so I regretfully drank heavy just 1 night, and I was in absolute hell the next day. From that day (March 16th, 2011) onward I had the toughest battle of my life. Finally I healed around May/June of 2012.

During those 14 months I battled many severe episodes of:

Anxiety, restlessness, depression, intrusive thoughts, catastrophic thinking, no appetite, burning skin, stomach pains, morning cortisol rushes, morning vomiting, insomnia.

Things would get better, then worse, then a little better, then a lot worse... etc. So I understand why it feels like life as you know it will never go back to normal. But that thinking is itself a product of the anxiety produced by going through recovery from benzo/alcohol use.

Your gaba receptors will recover over time. Right now just try to calmly examine any of your physical sensations and realize that they are nothing more than signals of repairwork going on in your body. Accept that this anxiety, feeling of doom, and rumination are also normal for people in your state. Those symptoms will only go away as more recovery time has passed. So you will need to try to accept them as annoying roommates. They cannot be kicked out until their lease is up (more recovery).

Finally, many members (myself being one) have had periods where we felt drastically better almost overnight after a long period of severe suffering. Intense suffering is a sign of intense healing, which itself is a precursor to getting better.

Take care

Hi, thank you for your support. 

I understand what you are saying about forgiveness. But, I'm really struggling with that. I've always struggled with this in my life as I am always so self critical. Self compassion does not come easily for me. I also harbour some resentment towards my girlfriend and it has been causing friction, to say the least, when I am ruminating about that day. I was going to order an orange juice and she kept telling me to order a beer instead, which is what I ended up doing. 

I hear what you are saying about my previous benzo withdrawal, sensitivity and ptsd. I am constantly thinking about how long it took for me to feel I'd healed somewhat in original withdrawal and I'm not sure I can go through that length of time suffering again. The voice inside my head, when the terror and akathisia are at their worst is "I can't do this". The symptoms I have now are far, far more intense than my original withdrawal and this makes me think that it's going to take even longer to start feeling better. I don't know how I'm going to get through this!

[[Cr...]]

10 hours ago, [[A...] said:

The symptoms I have now are far, far more intense than my original withdrawal and this makes me think that it's going to take even longer to start feeling better. I don't know how I'm going to get through this!

Intensity is often not a true indicator of recovery time. There were first time short-term benzo users that suffered mildly for 2+ years and then there were kindled members on their 2nd or 3rd withdrawal that suffered severely but were mostly healed within a year or even less.

I know when these symptoms are really tough even getting through a single day can seem unfathomable. If on the first day of this withdrawal (back in January) I told you to just try to make it 6 more months feeling the way you do you would have deemed it impossible. Yet here you are. 6 solid months of healing under your belt. You can do this.