Not buying into Fear

[[or...]]

Sorry to hear that, we are lucky to learn now, then never

[[Le...]]

that exactly how i feel   lucky!?  

 

i would still choose blissful ignorance. 

[[En...]]

3 hours ago, [[o...] said:

I lie in bed lastnight for somewhere around 4 hours.  I stayed still though, a little tossing and turning over an aching hip. I can't describe anything in particular I was thinking. I just felt like I sort-of, wasn't me.  I even said my name to myself and it was like someone I didn't know.  I leaned on the truth (as I believe it to be) that the benzo wd sxs cause all kinds of "weird" things, especially in my brain.  I remember thinking I'd be fine in the a.m. and didn't let it get to me.  I think that might have been just before I fell asleep.

I think it's time for me to read Parker's article again because she described things so they made sense. The bottom line for me is that my brain is not the "norm" and it will heal.  I'm already seeing the signs of healing, just refusing to fall for the fear/lies my benzo-brain tells me, is proof, oregonlady

That's a very good article. You have to have withdrawal symptoms to heal. The little construction workers in your brain are working. 

You experienced deealization/depersonalization. Some people look in the mirror and dont recognize themselves. That would be scary. 

[[Cr...]]

1 hour ago, [[L...] said:

and anxiety. all of it. big link to trauma too. i have had it after an attempted strangling, after a stabbing, and after both deaths i witnessed on oil rigs. it went away quickly after those though. within days. 

I am curious to hear about what life is like on the oil rigs. Is it truly like the wild west? If thinking back to that time brings on bad memories you don't need to respond.

I just remember awhile back when I debated looking into doing that for a year or so to pay for a house or college.

 

[[Cr...]]

4 minutes ago, [[E...] said:

That's a very good article. You have to have withdrawal symptoms to heal. The little construction workers in your brain are working. 

You experienced deealization/depersonalization. Some people look in the mirror and dont recognize themselves. That would be scary. 

True. I always viewed windows as the construction workers taking a break or going on vacation. At some point it was like... "okay guys this is nice but you need to finish the job."

Wake up one morning a few days later with anxiety and burning skin thinking.. "welcome back!... I guess" 

[[Le...]]

it depends where you do it. usa i wouldnt reccommend. thats where the run down rigs from canada go when its too dangerous to use them here anymore. alberta isnt bad. bit of a rough crowd but well trained and moderately safe and professional. 

i have worked on them and doing electronics and data acquisition stuff for then for a very long time. 

i worked on them in the wild west of canada. south sask with a bunch of nuts and wackos. so i guess i fit in but i am very lucky to only have scars. saw lots of lost digits and stuff. 

[[En...]]

2 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

True. I always viewed windows as the construction workers taking a break or going on vacation. At some point it was like... "okay guys this is nice but you need to finish the job."

Wake up one morning a few days later with anxiety and burning skin thinking.. "welcome back!... I guess" 

I had a couple good days and now the symptoms have returned starting last night just not as intense as before. I guess you could say I am healing and my construction workers are back on the job. That's why I am holding my taper until I feel better. I did a lot of damage last taper as you know. 

[[Le...]]

Just now, [[E...] said:

I had a couple good days and now the symptoms have returned starting last night just not as intense as before. I guess you could say I am healing and my construction workers are back on the job. That's why I am holding my taper until I feel better. I did a lot of damage last taper as you know. 

my waxing and waning phase only lasted 6 months or so. was full on non stop the year before that. you are likely getting there. 

[[Le...]]

oh and sorry for carrying out a personal convo in your thread. crono can message to learn about rig life. 

[[jo...]]

4 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

my waxing and waning phase only lasted 6 months or so. was full on non stop the year before that. you are likely getting there. 

I hope so cos I'm waxing and waning too!

Edited May 30 by [jo...]

[[Le...]]

mind is stabilizing at times but cant fully maintain it yet. sounds promising to me. 

[[Cr...]]

5 minutes ago, [[j...] said:

I hope so cos I'm waxing and waning too!

Where are you at in your recovery again jon? Can you list at least 3 things that have improved overall since the beginning?

[[jo...]]

5 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

Where are you at in your recovery again jon? Can you list at least 3 things that have improved overall since the beginning?

First 2 months fairly steady misery although sleep fluctuated between 0-6 hours and everything inbetween. Main symptoms were Anxiety intrusive thoughts etc (bad) Depression (I think masked by anxiety to a degree) T (Moderate) Muscle pain, cramps, twitches etc (Not to bad) and other stuff that didn't bother me much so I wont list.

Window for about 3ish weeks, Still very sensitive to everything but a lot less anxiety and basically functional. Muscle stff dissapeared. Would get depressed for about 4 hours in the afternoon though. Quite full on then it would lift.

Wave for about 3ish weeks. Bad first five days with all the usual symptoms. Although inbetween there was a calm day. Weird. Muscle stuff came back. Things then began to cycle like crazy. Axiety, depression, muscle stuff, sleep, even some euphoria and blue flashes in eyes.

Window lasting about two weeks with an improved baseline. Pretty much felt ok. Sleep was about six hours a night but weird benzo sleep. Still didn't feel quite right. Muscle stuff remained troughout window. Just gone into another wave. Last two days were pretty grim. Axiety depression, mood swings sleep etc. Today a little calmer. And thats pretty much where I am. The basic version anyway.

[[Le...]]

i am confused by this wave talk people do. do you mean you actually feel fine in between or just improvements that come and go.  i never had any time i felt fine but the intensity waxed and waned. 

[[jo...]]

5 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

i am confused by this wave talk people do. do you mean you actually feel fine in between or just improvements that come and go.  i never had any time i felt fine but the intensity waxed and waned. 

When I say window I mean things had improved generally although still symptomatic. I haven't felt symptom free yet. I think people define it differently. Some say they feel 100% in windows.

Edited May 30 by [jo...]

[[Cr...]]

15 minutes ago, [[j...] said:

First 2 months fairly steady misery although sleep fluctuated between 0-6 hours and everything inbetween. Main symptoms were Anxiety intrusive thoughts etc (bad) Depression (I think masked by anxiety to a degree) T (Moderate) Muscle pain, cramps, twitches etc (Not to bad) and other stuff that didn't bother me much so I wont list.

Window for about 3ish weeks, Still very sensitive to everything but a lot less anxiety and basically functional. Muscle stff dissapeared. Would get depressed for about 4 hours in the afternoon though. Quite full on then it would lift.

Wave for about 3ish weeks. Bad first five days with all the usual symptoms. Although inbetween there was a calm day. Weird. Muscle stuff came back. Things then began to cycle like crazy. Axiety, depression, muscle stuff, sleep, even some euphoria and blue flashes in eyes.

Window lasting about two weeks with an improved baseline. Pretty much felt ok. Sleep was about six hours a night but weird benzo sleep. Still didn't feel quite right. Muscle stuff remained troughout window. Just gone into another wave. Last two days were pretty grim. Axiety depression, mood swings sleep etc. Today a little calmer. And thats pretty much where I am. The basic version anyway.

So you are about 15 weeks into recovery?

Everything I just read sounds pretty on par with the standard withdrawal symptoms based on your benzo use and where you are at in recovery.

The big fears that came over me when going through withdrawal were...

- what if this isn't withdrawal but something else?

- what if this is permanent?!

The fact that your symptoms do wax and wane is a pretty clear cut marker of benzo withdrawal. It can be frustrating how in a window we are like "I am healing! I got this! I can get throught this!". But when a wave comes we immediately switch to "I am making no progress! I am going backwards! I don't know how much more I can take!".

If it helps, the next time you are in a window write some words of encouragement from Window Jon to Wave Jon. Or you can aptly call it Vacation Jon to Construction Jon.

You can manage this. There is a future Success Story already written just waiting for your signature. I hope things ease up again for you soon. Remember, the more intense the wave the more repairwork has been done.

Edited May 30 by [Cr...]

[[jo...]]

1 minute ago, [[C...] said:

So you are about 15 weeks into recovery?

Everything I just read sounds pretty on par with the standard withdrawal symptoms based on your benzo use and where you are at im recovery.

The big fears that came over me when going through withdrawal were...

- what if this isn't withdrawal but something else?

- what if this is permanent?!

The fact that your symptoms do wax and wane is a pretty clear cut marker of benzo withdrawal. It can be frustrating how in a window we are like "I am healing! I got this! I can get throught this!". But when a wave comes we immediately switch to "I am making no progress! I am going backwards! I don't know how much more I can take!".

If it helps, the next time you are in a window write some words or encouragement from Window Jon to Wave Jon. Or you can aptly call it Vacation Jon to Construction Jon.

You can manage this. There is a future Success Story already written just waiting for your signature. I hope things ease up again for you soon. Remember, the more intense the wave the more repairwork has been done.

Thanks, yeah thats a good idea I will do that. It is beyond deflating when a wave hits. They say they get shorter and shorter. Time will tell.

[[Cr...]]

10 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

i am confused by this wave talk people do. do you mean you actually feel fine in between or just improvements that come and go.  i never had any time i felt fine but the intensity waxed and waned. 

Some people do have windows of almost zero symptoms but from what I have seen that is rare.

Generally a wave is a sudden (or gradual) increase of the intensity of withdrawal symptoms. When people say a wave is gone, they don't mean they are no longer having symptoms but that the intensity has gone down.

Sometimes after a very rough wave at a scale of 10 ( 1 to 10, 10 being worst), even going back down to a 5 can feel like window even though symptoms are still bad. Usually we are just happy to get any relief asap when in a wave.

 

[[Cr...]]

3 minutes ago, [[j...] said:

Thanks, yeah thats a good idea I will do that. It is beyond deflating when a wave hits. They say they get shorter and shorter. Time will tell.

Not always true. They will vary. You may get a 2 week minor wave, have a good month, then have a 3 day high intensity wave, followed by a stable month, then get a 3 week minor wave...etc.

My healing came right after month-long minor wave that was followed by a month-long high intensity wave (both waves back to back). Then I finally found peace.

Just don't set any expectations beyond 'this will pass' as far as to how recovery will go. The unpredictability is frustrating but it also means it is possible you may have a quick recovery and this could be the last wave of this intensity.

No matter what. We are here if you need us 

[[Le...]]

well i have had three months without any symptoms that there isnt an obvious cause for them. talk to the medical consultant doing the investigation and i am a mess. read too much here and a mess. i am really hoping the actual drug related things are over cause i am atm dealing with normal life stressors better than before if anything. 

[[jo...]]

4 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

Not always true. They will vary. You may get a 2 week minor wave, have a good month, then have a 3 day high intensity wave, followed by a stable month, then get a 3 week minor wave...etc.

My healing came right after month-long minor wave that was followed by a month-long high intensity wave (both waves back to back). Then I finally found peace.

Just don't set any expectations beyond 'this will pass' as far as to how recovery will go. The unpredictability is frustrating but it also means it is possible you may have a quick recovery and this could be the last wave of this intensity.

No matter what. We are here if you need us 

I've actually read a number of people talk about "the final surge" a bad wave then healed. Crazy how it works.

[[Le...]]

oh and i was a bit of a mess before this all too. hyperactive mostly. full of energy but not in an unhealthy way just whole life very active and enthusiastic. not risk taking or anything. 

[[Cr...]]

 

1 hour ago, [[L...] said:

oh and i was a bit of a mess before this all too. hyperactive mostly. full of energy but not in an unhealthy way just whole life very active and enthusiastic. not risk taking or anything. 

So you weren't off hiking Everest in just your boxers, skydiving without a backup chute, wrestling crocodiles without experience, and biting Hot Pockets without blowing on them first?

How can you say you have truly experienced life then 

[[Cr...]]

1 hour ago, [[j...] said:

I've actually read a number of people talk about "the final surge" a bad wave then healed. Crazy how it works.

Yeah I have witnessed that too. For some people it is a gradual recovery... for others withdrawal only ends after giving one final gut punch and then kicking us when down. 

[[Le...]]

  more working all day then gardening till dusk or offering to reroof my old neighbors roof cause it is fun here and there but ya