How can I keep getting worse after 22 months?

[[Ki...]]

I don’t mean to keep asking the same question but every time this happens I get this crushing disappointment and concern. EVERY time I go into and out of a wave my baseline is worse. My anhedonia is worse, the depression is worse, all of my senses are more dulled (as if the signalling to my brain is more damaged), my genitals become more numb, the sexual dysfunction is worse, the apathy is stronger, my memory is worse, my cognition is worse. This happens EVERY TIME. There is a sudden shift during each wave where this cluster of symptoms get measurably worse and it’s happened for 2 fucking years non stop. This exact cycle has got to have repeated over 100 times at least. Without fail - wave - symptoms gets worse - find a new baseline - wave - repeat. You’re supposed to get better over time? And don’t give me the withdrawal isn’t linear line, well this is… but linearly worse! 

This last wave has been particularly gruelling, I think in part due to the exercise which seemed to exacerbate the horrific burning, head pressure, tinnitus, looping thoughts, anxiety, depression, visual disturbances, agitation, insomnia etc. but the last day or so my genitals have got so numb it feels like pure rubber, it doesn’t even feel like flesh anymore, like someone has stuck an artificial appendage to my groin. They’ve atrophied even more too  along with a significant reduction in positive emotion and worsening of anhedonia (for example before this wave music didn’t sound normal at all but there was maybe 5-10% enjoyment from it. Now nothing, my brain doesn’t react to it it’s as if it’s just noise). These emotional/sexual issues just keep getting worse slowly over time in stepwise fashion. I feel less normal as withdrawal progresses. How is this possible???

I never see or hear anyone with this experience except for the people who go on to have permanent PSSD. In withdrawal, acute is supposed to be the most challenging time and over time, especially longer periods, people improve! Where aa all of my continuous symptoms have got worse for 2 years, and at no point have they ever started to get better.

I’m also increasingly concerned because this exact pattern (albeit with a smaller number of symptoms) occurred after just 4 weeks on the medication, and 8 months later when I reinstated because I didn’t know about withdrawal, I was still getting worse. So it can’t be because I have now since been on the meds for a long time, because this exact pattern happened after just a few weeks of exposure which was why I was so confused and why doctors didn’t associate it with withdrawal from the drug.

can someone be honest, because I know PSSD is a thing, not everyone recovers because I know these people, some who only tried a few pills and they’ve never gone back to normal years/decades later. Yes benzos I’m sure most people recover but SSRIs it’s known that not everyone does.

I feel hopeless, helpless and that my life is over because I’m not recovering, the longer I wait the further I am away from feeling normal, what’s left just slips away as my brain shuts down. I can’t take this thought of the drug that has taken 10 years of my life continuing to do so for the rest of my life because I won’t have one like this. I can’t explain how bad it’s got😭

 

[[Ja...]]

Apart from the pssd that it could well be buddy,.you answered your own question,.when your having all them waves and severe symptoms.it’s not going to be possible to feel a desire,.just like you won’t feel happiness while your in a certain mindset it’s exactly the same,.2 years is a long time to be putting up with all that still bud,.it’s bound to be having a negative affect.