Coping with family betrayal trauma

[[Re...]]

I'm initiating a thread to explore coping strategies for navigating family challenges. How are you managing the betrayal trauma if you have it?

 

Reflecting on my relationship with a family member, I can't help but wonder, how did we reach this point? We once shared nice moments, dozing off together on the couch while watching Netflix. Now, I find myself cut off, with this person refusing to communicate and even insisting on my departure from their home, all because of the longevity of psych drug injury. This is one of the few living relatives I have left. I am seeing who they are and it is devastating to know. Maybe they have always been like this and the drugs pulled the wool over my eyes.

Some people are excusing the behavior -- I am learning about them, too. The ones who speak my language I am going to keep around. The ones who are acting in ways I will not forget - I thought the friends I already lost were the unaligned ones - but there are a few more and I am seeing it now. People show you that when you are at your lowest point in life not realizing they too are one moment away from a possible turn in their lives as well. Just when I thought this whole drug-harm situation could not get worse, it did.

And I am coping with this issue at 10.5 months off still experiencing 20+ symptoms. I fantasize about having 10 and how that would feel like freedom. I find myself negotiating this symptom for that one. And I wonder if I will end up one of us who loses it all to following doctors' orders. While my life is in ruins, my prescriber is practicing his classical guitar and going to dinner on a Friday night with his friends.

The betrayal trauma is so deep from this. Psych-drug harm has broken me down to someone I never thought I would become. It takes a lot of strength to face a situation you are truly powerless over and we are doing it. The healing journey from this feels like it will never end. I feel so alone and nobody should carry this weight alone.

If our families or friends who didn't know about this walked in our shoes for ten minutes, they would change their tunes. Nobody would become estranged, relationships would be mended not broken, and compassion would flow.

 

 

 

 

 

[[Ct...]]

My heart goes out to you, @[Re...]. You write so beautifully about a very difficult situation. I am tapering at this point and am aware that those around me will not totally understand what I will be going through as I go lower and eventually jump.

[[or...]]

I've been there with family and friends as well, had the same thing happen when I had to stay with my sister.  I already knew it wouldn't work out but it was either that or be homeless.  Pretty sure that might have been better.  I think it's true that when things get rough in life, a person can find out who their real friends are. 

Mostly there was no one at all to help me because I was and am too independent.  I didn't allow anyone close so when the proverbial "stuff" hit the fan, I realized I was truly on my own, and am still surviving that way.  I gotta say that if I hadn't gotten so hooked on the benzo, my life may have been different, but I was always sort of a loner to begin with.  Super sociable, but never stuck around enough to have close relationships.

I don't like being alone sometimes, but mostly, I like my independence, and just like being around others only limited visits.  I'm older though, than many here, and that probably doesn't appeal too much to many young folks.  I wanted the fairytale in my younger years, but got reality instead   Coping with others is my hardest job, well, maybe coping with myself, kind of you know, loving and accepting myself is helping me.  Like admitting I just can't handle some things/folks, not for long.

I truly believe my brain has been damaged, along with my emotions, and even my spiritual beliefs. I'm just treading water to get through one day at a time.  But I don't go out of my way to get close to anyone,  I get along best with that for now.  I have a puppy, which I don't recommend, but I do have to say, she is such a comfort most of the time.  She is a good distraction for me.

Some days I feel I might just croak from the anxiety I get from different things, both online and offline.

Right now I don't know if anything I said will help you, but I want so much to help people, that's the "real" me I used to be before the benzo, oregonlady

[[Id...]]

I reply because what you wrote happened. Today I got the last reminder of it. Of many.
I can tell you what I did, not implying that it is better or worse than other approaches.

After a long time and many proves I simply accepted that most people are close but between what is in their interests. As simply as that. No matter how much you loved them (I am talking about relatives and friends); they were there because you were providing a good time. Otherwise they would be now where they were when you were healthy. 
I can really tell this because I was lucky enough to come back to my talking abilities after reinstating and I talked to them all.

Also I was honest with myself and looked back at previous signs of this, sure enough the evidence has been there for decades, I just brushed it off because of love; but I can honestly say they showed their interests and true colors before. Simply the situation wasn’t big enough to totally grasp it.

This left me thinking that I have never been that kind of person; and left me with doubts about my approach to life. I can’t answer this, but I don’t regret I was true to my feelings; I wouldn’t have wanted to do differently with what I knew before.

About doctors, this might be controversial but, as you say they are living their lives as they did before, and thinking about them prevents you from doing the same as soon as possible. 

I am not a supporter of popular phrases but they are good to summarize when your brain opposes to the truth… “when people show you who they are believe them”, preferably the first time, and “garbage has taken itself out” are helpful to better remember.

You asked “how to”… realize what happened without colorful glasses. Take time to mourn your feelings and what “should have been” and accept. 
It’s harsh I know, but at least is more peaceful at the end.

Remember that intrusive thoughts and regrets might be part of symptoms (personally I would add wishful thinking), so treat them for what they are: just symptoms and don’t fossilize on them.

I truly hope this might help. If you come out with something else let me know if you want.

10 hours ago, [[R...] said:

If our families or friends who didn't know about this walked in our shoes for ten minutes, they would change their tunes

For what I experienced they wouldn’t. They would be grateful to go back to their lives and live them as they please. I have talked to them, they understood, I don’t make magical excuses for them.

There is just one person that goes on about explaining me I am exaggerating things. I can’t get the help I’d need from him, but I excuse him because he can’t handle my suffering and for what I know is his experience I know he is doing the best he can.

At the end of the day what I wrote is far from “powerless” as you say. After the right mourning is liberating.

I am also happy I won’t going on wasting unreciprocated time and effort with people who never deserved it 

[[Re...]]

10 hours ago, [[I...] said:

I reply because what you wrote happened. Today I got the last reminder of it. Of many.
I can tell you what I did, not implying that it is better or worse than other approaches.

After a long time and many proves I simply accepted that most people are close but between what is in their interests. As simply as that. No matter how much you loved them (I am talking about relatives and friends); they were there because you were providing a good time. Otherwise they would be now where they were when you were healthy. 
I can really tell this because I was lucky enough to come back to my talking abilities after reinstating and I talked to them all.

Also I was honest with myself and looked back at previous signs of this, sure enough the evidence has been there for decades, I just brushed it off because of love; but I can honestly say they showed their interests and true colors before. Simply the situation wasn’t big enough to totally grasp it.

This left me thinking that I have never been that kind of person; and left me with doubts about my approach to life. I can’t answer this, but I don’t regret I was true to my feelings; I wouldn’t have wanted to do differently with what I knew before.

About doctors, this might be controversial but, as you say they are living their lives as they did before, and thinking about them prevents you from doing the same as soon as possible. 

I am not a supporter of popular phrases but they are good to summarize when your brain opposes to the truth… “when people show you who they are believe them”, preferably the first time, and “garbage has taken itself out” are helpful to better remember.

You asked “how to”… realize what happened without colorful glasses. Take time to mourn your feelings and what “should have been” and accept. 
It’s harsh I know, but at least is more peaceful at the end.

Remember that intrusive thoughts and regrets might be part of symptoms (personally I would add wishful thinking), so treat them for what they are: just symptoms and don’t fossilize on them.

I truly hope this might help. If you come out with something else let me know if you want.

For what I experienced they wouldn’t. They would be grateful to go back to their lives and live them as they please. I have talked to them, they understood, I don’t make magical excuses for them.

There is just one person that goes on about explaining me I am exaggerating things. I can’t get the help I’d need from him, but I excuse him because he can’t handle my suffering and for what I know is his experience I know he is doing the best he can.

At the end of the day what I wrote is far from “powerless” as you say. After the right mourning is liberating.

I am also happy I won’t going on wasting unreciprocated time and effort with people who never deserved it 

"I am also happy I won’t going on wasting unreciprocated time and effort with people who never deserved it ."

That last line is quite powerful. I cannot explain how utterly exhausted I am at this moment from all the drama of this last week. People I speak with tell me how cruel my relative is. It is heartbreakingly sad and wish this was not the reality.

[[En...]]

On 24/05/2024 at 01:51, [[R...] said:

I'm initiating a thread to explore coping strategies for navigating family challenges. How are you managing the betrayal trauma if you have it?

Reflecting on my relationship with a family member, I can't help but wonder, how did we reach this point? We once shared nice moments, dozing off together on the couch while watching Netflix. Now, I find myself cut off, with this person refusing to communicate and even insisting on my departure from their home, all because of the longevity of psych drug injury. This is one of the few living relatives I have left. I am seeing who they are and it is devastating to know. Maybe they have always been like this and the drugs pulled the wool over my eyes.

Some people are excusing the behavior -- I am learning about them, too. The ones who speak my language I am going to keep around. The ones who are acting in ways I will not forget - I thought the friends I already lost were the unaligned ones - but there are a few more and I am seeing it now. People show you that when you are at your lowest point in life not realizing they too are one moment away from a possible turn in their lives as well. Just when I thought this whole drug-harm situation could not get worse, it did.

And I am coping with this issue at 10.5 months off still experiencing 20+ symptoms. I fantasize about having 10 and how that would feel like freedom. I find myself negotiating this symptom for that one. And I wonder if I will end up one of us who loses it all to following doctors' orders. While my life is in ruins, my prescriber is practicing his classical guitar and going to dinner on a Friday night with his friends.

The betrayal trauma is so deep from this. Psych-drug harm has broken me down to someone I never thought I would become. It takes a lot of strength to face a situation you are truly powerless over and we are doing it. The healing journey from this feels like it will never end. I feel so alone and nobody should carry this weight alone.

If our families or friends who didn't know about this walked in our shoes for ten minutes, they would change their tunes. Nobody would become estranged, relationships would be mended not broken, and compassion would flow.

This drug changes who we are as a person. We change. We are not the same people. The people in our lives see we have changed and do not understand what is going on inside us. Those close to us were with us because they got something out of it too. The something is gone. Temporarily.  But this is such a long process that these people no longer get what they got out of us any longer and loose interest in us. It is common that relationships suffer during this time. I see it in my own life as well. My marriage is strained because I was a rock for my spouse. Now I need her to help me and she cant do that. She has her own problems in life and struggles with anxiety herself. I add to that anxiety by the way I feel. She feels it and sees I am not the same person. She actually told someone that this drug changed me. I was very good with my hands and mind before and now I am a shell of the man i once was. I know this is only temporary but it is disheartening to us because of the length of time it takes to heal from this. It truly is destroying. 

[[Re...]]

2 hours ago, [[E...] said:

This drug changes who we are as a person. We change. We are not the same people. The people in our lives see we have changed and do not understand what is going on inside us. Those close to us were with us because they got something out of it too. The something is gone. Temporarily.  But this is such a long process that these people no longer get what they got out of us any longer and loose interest in us. It is common that relationships suffer during this time. I see it in my own life as well. My marriage is strained because I was a rock for my spouse. Now I need her to help me and she cant do that. She has her own problems in life and struggles with anxiety herself. I add to that anxiety by the way I feel. She feels it and sees I am not the same person. She actually told someone that this drug changed me. I was very good with my hands and mind before and now I am a shell of the man i once was. I know this is only temporary but it is disheartening to us because of the length of time it takes to heal from this. It truly is destroying. 

I hear you. The problem for me is the "only temporary" part of this can be way too long........

[[Kr...]]

3 hours ago, [[R...] said:

I hear you. The problem for me is the "only temporary" part of this can be way too long........

Yeah, exactly.