Very early withdrawal and going back to work

[[...]]

I was on benzos for over 10 years, just got back from detox/inpatient. It's been just over 3 weeks that I've been off benzos. My experience in the hosptial was horrible as their detox/rehab medical staff was extremely uneducated regarding withdrawal/PAW. I checked myself in to the detox of the hospital and choose to continue in their rehab upstairs.

The hospital policy was benzo and alcohol withdrawal get top priority so i thought i was going to be around individuals that knew what they were talking about. After detox, for about 7 days, I actually felt good (I miss that feeling now.) After the 7th day withdrawal hit me like bricks and im pretty sure I started the process with a drop seizure while lying in bed due to medical advice. I then told the staff and they refused to believe me. Since then I have had wave after wave of new and consistant withdrawal symptoms. 

Some of the more alarming symptoms are grinding teeth, tinnitus due to tooth grinding, unreliable thoughts/memories, heart pounding, anxiety, aches, pains, neuropathy, dizziness, low energy etc. Most are feelings I have never felt in my life. 

One of my biggest issues at the moment is having to work while going through withdrawal. I was functional as an employee for most of the time I was on benzos and quite sucessful for myself from 2021 till mid 2023. In 2023 I did see the end of this run in response to my benzo problem getting out of control. Around that time I had gotten to the point i was taking RC benzos purchased from the internet to supplement my prescription. Those types of benzos are completely debilitating causing me to forget full weeks at a time. I would wake up after a week and have no idea who i spoke to, when or why and be expected to follow up with all of them. 

Now, in early recovery, I have zero dollars to my name, i'm 37 years old and relying on my Mother to support my life. Yes I am blessed to be able to even say that, however I am expected to get a job to support myself in any way possible. One of my main problems with getting a job is the fear of failing again due to benzos either getting me too high or in withdrawal.

I don't know if I can handle another failure work wise or life wise. Even if i get the easiest job I can find, I would still take a failure extremely hard, especially during this time of extreme mental instability. 

Has anyone been through something similar? 

[[Re...]]

Hello @[...], Welcome to  BenzoBuddies,

Congratulations for being off benzos for 3 weeks, I know it is extremely difficult for you know, especially after a rapid detox!

Reading your post I noticed how similar our situations might be, I am too 37 years old and had to move back home due to withdrawal, and need to rely on my parents in their early seventies. Believe me, I understand how difficult your situation could be. Your symptoms are similar to mine and consistent with benzodiazepine withdrawal (link). 

A detox facility is a way of cessation one should avoid after being on these medications for such a long time. Many issues come from cold turkey and rapid cessation in a detox facility.

Could you tell us more about your history (if you would like), what kind of benzodiazepine did you take? Have you attemped to quit/taper them earlier?

Depending on your situation,if you feel completely unfunctional, have you considered reinstating a benzodiazepine? I am not trying to convince you of this, but if you can find a psychiatrist/prescriber who is willing to work with you, you could do a slow, symptom led taper (link), with hopefully way less suffering. 

On the other hand, we have quite a lot of members who managed to keep much of their functionality going through withdrawal. They had an "instense experience" but eventually completely recovered, and are completely back living life. Recovery does happen, but it might take a while. I understand you wanting to save your Mother from these difficulties, and that is really nice of you. Going through this, however, is better not to be alone, especially in the very early days. 

Please let us know how we can support you. I am glad you found us!

RR

 

[[...]]

Thank you RR for the kind words. 

My benzo experience started in high school, 2002. My friends and I had been smoking pot for about 2 years and we smoked a lot. One of my friends was very overeducated regarding drugs from a young age. He proceeded to buy a factory sealed bag of 1000 xanax bars. In the year following he was taking upwards of 20 a day. During this time I did experiment but did not like the way they made me feel. 
Fast forward, one day, after a year of every day use, he decided not to take his morning dose and had a seizure 9th period of school. He was brought to the hospital and ended up staying in detox for 5 days. 
I will never forget the way he looked after detox, it was as if he was a completely different person. His eyes were so bugged and wild it looked like he was was looking all over at everything all at once. 
That day I promised myself I would never end up like that. 

I had gone through college not dependent on benzos (I did a lot of opiates though.) After college I met a very good girl and we moved in together. After a year of living together, she ended up taking her own life and I found her in our bedroom stiff as a board. 
In response to this situation I went to a psychiatrist who was not equpped to handle my mental state as I was basically catatonic. He prescribed me 4 2mg xanax a day which was up from .5 2x a day as needed which I was not physically dependant on. 

That was just over 10 years ago. In that 10 year period I learned how to get benzos from almost anyone and did have a couple seizures when my bottles were empty. This created PTSD and fear around not having benzos. 

In 2022 I ended up having a horrible seizure and ended up in the hospital. The hospital recommended an "addiction specialist" who was no more than a drug pusher. He did change me to valium and did start tapering my doses but at a very rapid rate in which I was not able to handle. I ended up supplimenting by finding xanax, pressed RC benzos and ultimately liquid RC benzos from a peptide website. I did this for 2 years until I got extremely tired, felt like I was withdrawing every day and ulitmately scared of another seizure. 

When I checked into dextox I was on prescribed valium of 2 5mg a day and about 2 months off the other benzos I mentioned. 
I did not realize how strong the RC benzos were and how long they lasted in my system untill I finished detox and was in the rehab upstairs. I was not able to function at all and every day was a horror. I am still going through this daily with new symptoms every day. Almost everything I experience now feels like deja vu. My memories are fleeting and unreliable, cannot focus, shaking etc. 

*regarding re-introducing benzos - when I was in detox I was petrified of a seizure and the nurses said they would give me atavan if it happened, I told them I did not want it. I was not feeling withdrawal like I am now and did not expect it at all. Luckily, I am going to my first outpatient appointment in an hour and will speak to the doctor about any possiblity of making this even a little more comfortable. 

Thank you for the support... Im really out on a limb at the moment. Trying to be positive in the most negative of situations. Trying to educate the people around me so they understand this is real and im not being paranoid etc. Lets see what happens today. 

 

 

[[Nu...]]

I understand what you're going through. I've experienced the same in the workplace. From a string of success in many positions, including managing a large department at a major academic medical center, to a string of failures after a near cold turkey of 2mg clonazepam.

You're not alone. The best thing I can say is this -- separate YOU from what you're going through. You're not the withdrawal. The withdrawal is not you. YOU'RE not failing. The withdrawal is making you fail. Make sure and see this discrepancy...

Edited April 12 by [Nu...]

[[...]]

@[Nu...]
Thank you for the support.. that is great advice! 
Its good to know im not alone and yes I ruined many opportunities as well. 

Interestingly enough, I spoke to a former work partner earlier and he offered me a bed in a sober living house along with a completely new job. I made sure to be clear about how im feeling in terms of physical symptoms and he understood fully.

The idea is taking myself out of the equation, as you stated, and letting fate control my future. This is a great second chance. 

Including what you mentioned and a few other interactions I had, today has been proof of a higer power for me and I am so excited! 

[[Nu...]]

Hiya, @[...]. Wishing you the best. Sounds like there are many positives to focus on, which is exactly what you're doing. Keep up with that! It's essential for us.

There is a lot of support on this forum. Use it when you face challenges. Many have (unfortunately) been through what you're experiencing, so lean on that (unfortunate) fact to make things at least a bit easier. We're here for you.

[[...]]

Thank you 🙏  things do work out if we stay positive... first time in a while im looking forward to the future. 

Wishing you the best as well!