I AM NEW AND IN TOLERANCE FOR YEARS

[[th...]]

I dont know how to start this. I dont know where to begin. I dont even know what to ask because I have been reading the site and well, its so individualized its almost the gamble " Quit and see if you are one of the people who say they are 10 years out and still in acute." Which to me.... lol seems like not a life at all. 

Some stories are " bed ridden." Which also, I would lose my family, home, and job. 

I am concerned about the lack of updated positive stories. 

I have been on xanax for about 6 years 2 mg a day. 

half in the morning

half mid day

1 mg at night 

For some reason I see people doing the same thing. But Ill tell you where mine went a bit bad.

I have been in full tolerance for 3 years. I have lost hair, my stomach started gripping in ( if you have had this my god let me know) that still happens even after dose of the half.  

 

For the second time I attempted. I felt like maybe 9 months for 2 mg was too fast... IDK because there are stories of people doing short tapers and there are stories where people did it for like 5 years and still ended up terrible, so I DONT KNOW REALLY WHICH TO DO.

Question is

How do you taper when in full tolerance? How can I space this out to make it easier on my body?

I know the question regarding the second attempt and why I got back on. Well, I would love to tell you. 

I didnt last long. A month at best. Previous I was off 3 months. The first time didnt involve severe pelvic pain. The second one had my nether regions as if they were raging a war and it was against everyone myself included. 

Gentitals, ass, thighs, couldnt sit. Couldnt sleep. wake up to severe genital pain and my stomach gripping inward so hard. I would get up and start my day. Drink coffee ( I now know that was probably an issue) 

I also lost weight. I got down to almost 80 pounds and my work was suffering. Mostly people commenting on how bad I Looked. My paranoia had me thinking " They think you are a drug addict." and it would make me want to hide away more so they didnt see my small body. 

I was calling my mom every second of the day, even at work. Just needed to hear her voice, Id swing by her house after work crying and wanting her to hold me ( I am in my 30s). She got concerned. very concerned. as well as I did.

I remember laying on my side on the bed, electrical currents running through me. My eyes was closed and lights was flashing, my body all tingly and in that moment I felt death. I called my mom at 4 am and said " I think I need to go back on." She was happy. She is like maybe you need to be on these the rest of your life.

She has no concept of the fact that I have told her dude, my hair is falling out. I have lost 20 pounds. Sitting, walking, talking.. I am failing at and I see patients! 

My job is stressful and though I am not high up, I have  stressful and on foot job for 10 hours a day. 

I remember sitting and a patient was telling me their health history and inside I was hardly able to sit up and focus on what they were saying. I was in so much pain, starving, 0 sleep in 20 days and of course... the mental anguish and so horrific.... genital burning, pain, stabbing, relentless... think about having all the mental anguish of wd and finding out your sex organ is just broken.. fully broken and at a 100/10 on the pain factor. 

I didnt know tolerance was a thing. I just thought I was getting sicker. I am the sole provider of my family. I am very sick on them, but currently I am unable to taper since I just got back on like 3 or 4 maybe 5 weeks ago..

what am I experiencing now? well i reinstated at 3.1 weeks. now I am left with within 2 hours of taking the .5 the panic is stronger, ocd thoughts.. its like acute but not fully god awful. So, to get to the second and final night dose, has been a challange. 

If I am out of town and that 4 hours is over, I am shaking innerward. I am having blurry vision, I am so anxious.. It was not like this prior to the jump and 3.1 weeks. 

 

can someone read something out of this and just talk to me. 

I have read on here by protracted members who are 15 years out and still cant function. I have read where people are in 2 year of straight acute????? can you really, really be two years of ACUTE?????????? because that is the next topic i need to talk about.

 

I am traumatized to even try again even though on them I am so so so sick and losing my hair daily. hand fulls. I cant eat because my stomach is like gripping in. Its sooo tight. It has been for 3 years which has led to Pelvic floor problems. 

 

has anyone had tolerance and they could tell by how tight their stomach is getting?

 

someone freaking help me understand

Edited April 12 by [th...]
I was told to edit title but don’t know to what

[[Bu...]]

Hello @[th...],

Welcome to Benzobuddies.

I am so very sorry for all your suffering.  My heart goes out to you.  There is a lot to unpack in your post and I want to make sure we understand to be able to offer you the best advice.  So, I'd like to ask a few clarifying questions:

I am a little unclear as to your current medication and dosing schedule.  Are you currently on the Xanax .5mg  morning, .5mg mid-day and 1mg at night?  And did I read correctly that this is a recent reinstatement?  If so, how recent?

Let's start with that and go from there.

And, may I suggest that you read some of the "success stories" , they are very uplifting and full of hope. 

I'm glad you found us and we will do our best to help you.

 

 

 

[[th...]]

You are correct on the med mgs and when. It was reinstated around March 15th. 

There are not many newer posts in that which is concerning.

[[PE...]]

49 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

I dont know how to start this. I dont know where to begin. I dont even know what to ask because I have been reading the site and well, its so individualized its almost the gamble " Quit and see if you are one of the people who say they are 10 years out and still in acute." Which to me.... lol seems like not a life at all. 

Some stories are " bed ridden." Which also, I would lose my family, home, and job. 

I am concerned about the lack of updated positive stories. 

I have been on xanax for about 6 years 2 mg a day. 

half in the morning

half mid day

1 mg at night 

For some reason I see people doing the same thing. But Ill tell you where mine went a bit bad.

I have been in full tolerance for 3 years. I have lost hair, my stomach started gripping in ( if you have had this my god let me know) that still happens even after dose of the half.  

For the second time I attempted. I felt like maybe 9 months for 2 mg was too fast... IDK because there are stories of people doing short tapers and there are stories where people did it for like 5 years and still ended up terrible, so I DONT KNOW REALLY WHICH TO DO.

Question is

How do you taper when in full tolerance? How can I space this out to make it easier on my body?

I know the question regarding the second attempt and why I got back on. Well, I would love to tell you. 

I didnt last long. A month at best. Previous I was off 3 months. The first time didnt involve severe pelvic pain. The second one had my nether regions as if they were raging a war and it was against everyone myself included. 

Gentitals, ass, thighs, couldnt sit. Couldnt sleep. wake up to severe genital pain and my stomach gripping inward so hard. I would get up and start my day. Drink coffee ( I now know that was probably an issue) 

I also lost weight. I got down to almost 80 pounds and my work was suffering. Mostly people commenting on how bad I Looked. My paranoia had me thinking " They think you are a drug addict." and it would make me want to hide away more so they didnt see my small body. 

I was calling my mom every second of the day, even at work. Just needed to hear her voice, Id swing by her house after work crying and wanting her to hold me ( I am in my 30s). She got concerned. very concerned. as well as I did.

I remember laying on my side on the bed, electrical currents running through me. My eyes was closed and lights was flashing, my body all tingly and in that moment I felt death. I called my mom at 4 am and said " I think I need to go back on." She was happy. She is like maybe you need to be on these the rest of your life.

She has no concept of the fact that I have told her dude, my hair is falling out. I have lost 20 pounds. Sitting, walking, talking.. I am failing at and I see patients! 

My job is stressful and though I am not high up, I have  stressful and on foot job for 10 hours a day. 

I remember sitting and a patient was telling me their health history and inside I was hardly able to sit up and focus on what they were saying. I was in so much pain, starving, 0 sleep in 20 days and of course... the mental anguish and so horrific.... genital burning, pain, stabbing, relentless... think about having all the mental anguish of wd and finding out your sex organ is just broken.. fully broken and at a 100/10 on the pain factor. 

I didnt know tolerance was a thing. I just thought I was getting sicker. I am the sole provider of my family. I am very sick on them, but currently I am unable to taper since I just got back on like 3 or 4 maybe 5 weeks ago..

what am I experiencing now? well i reinstated at 3.1 weeks. now I am left with within 2 hours of taking the .5 the panic is stronger, ocd thoughts.. its like acute but not fully god awful. So, to get to the second and final night dose, has been a challange. 

If I am out of town and that 4 hours is over, I am shaking innerward. I am having blurry vision, I am so anxious.. It was not like this prior to the jump and 3.1 weeks. 

can someone read something out of this and just talk to me. 

I have read on here by protracted members who are 15 years out and still cant function. I have read where people are in 2 year of straight acute????? can you really, really be two years of ACUTE?????????? because that is the next topic i need to talk about.

I am traumatized to even try again even though on them I am so so so sick and losing my hair daily. hand fulls. I cant eat because my stomach is like gripping in. Its sooo tight. It has been for 3 years which has led to Pelvic floor problems. 

has anyone had tolerance and they could tell by how tight their stomach is getting?

someone freaking help me understand

Hi!

Yes it's hard to start a taper while in tolerance. I tried majority of the whole last year finally gave up and CT 6 months ago. So I understand you have read alot here and your concern about what kind of withdrawal and heal you will have. As the spectrum is wide as you noticed

 

If you need to be functional, most like to be, only a really slow and strict taper will work. Going ct will most definitely make you not functional for some time. 

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

[[PE...]]

13 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

You are correct on the med mgs and when. It was reinstated around March 15th. 

There are not many newer posts in that which is concerning.

Me and others also noticed this. It is concerning for sure!

[[th...]]

15 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

Me and others also noticed this. It is concerning for sure!

Can someone be stuck in acute for years is what I’m really wondering. 

[[PE...]]

Just now, [[t...] said:

Can someone be stuck in acute for years is what I’m really wondering. 

No I don't think so. Would be a very nasty experience!

[[th...]]

8 hours ago, [[P...] said:

No I don't think so. Would be a very nasty experience!

Did you make it to the other side? 

[[PE...]]

4 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

Did you make it to the other side? 

Yes indeed! I'm like 6 months off and it's slowly getting better. I was a total wreck in the acute 

[[PE...]]

I would like the healing to go faster though. But it's the nature of this.

[[th...]]

2 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

I would like the healing to go faster though. But it's the nature of this.

What is the difference of acute vs where you are or what are the changes from the jump to 6 months? 

[[PE...]]

12 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

What is the difference of acute vs where you are or what are the changes from the jump to 6 months? 

Oh my good buddy! I vomited every four hour, like a sick cat. Anakthasia from hell, i walked like a damaged robot 14 hours  day, i could only sit for a few seconds then up and march again. Tinnutus was ringing high. Anxiety from hell. And didn't know anything about Anakthasia at the time. It was together with the vomiting the worse. 

It was at it's peak at week 2 i think. I did a ct because i was in such tolerance i took full blisters of different types of benzo but didn't get any effect. Tried the whole last year to taper. It was one step forward two step backwards and didn't work out.

Today akathisia is gone. Vomiting is gone. I sometimes have a slight nassua when i wake up but coffee helps with that. 

So going ct was for me the best thing. But if you would like to function during the acute wd, ct is not the way.

[[PE...]]

I have a overall feeling if being washed out and tired that just don't leave me.

That's the most prominent "symptom" i got atm. And tinnutus

[[th...]]

20 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

I have a overall feeling if being washed out and tired that just don't leave me.

That's the most prominent "symptom" i got atm. And tinnutus

Mine was such fear I had convinced myself I was going to lose my job but it went beyond that. Started having SI pretty bad. Had to call a hotline one night by myself. The genital pain was a tightening of every muscle. I then became afraid of that. 
 

here is something I didn’t ask. Since being on Xanax, I lost the ability to nap. When I would try, I would just end up having more anxiety and ended up rubbing my legs together. 
 

I got really needy, convinced myself my mom and dog was going to die. Begged to pass away during prayer. Starting being afraid of myself. The fear almost made me pass out twice at work. I hid and called my mom which was becoming increasingly concerning. She said she would have me committed and I tried explaining this is expected but let’s be real. We can expect it but when the fear is non stop, you have a hard time 

[[PE...]]

Primal fear is the most common symtom IMO. An underlying fear that colours every emotion to being fear-based. 

 

[[PE...]]

Brain can't relax on it's own any longer, so if not the amount of benzo needed for this isn't consumed nap is not possible i guess.

Sounds like you reached tolerance. 

 

[[th...]]

2 hours ago, [[P...] said:

Brain can't relax on it's own any longer, so if not the amount of benzo needed for this isn't consumed nap is not possible i guess.

Sounds like you reached tolerance. 

Does the fear lessen? 

[[PE...]]

39 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

Does the fear lessen? 

Yes it does. I even started to feel good and relaxed from time to time. Totally worth quitting that benzo bullshit!

[[th...]]

Just now, [[P...] said:

Yes it does. I even started to feel good and relaxed from time to time. Totally worth quitting that benzo bullshit!

Hell yeah man. I took my .5 and I’m at work just shaking and fearful. Do you know anyone to tag in this post to kinda shed some light or reassurance? You are doing amazing btw 

[[PE...]]

6 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

Hell yeah man. I took my .5 and I’m at work just shaking and fearful. Do you know anyone to tag in this post to kinda shed some light or reassurance? You are doing amazing btw 

@[Pa...] is a great contributor here!

Yeah i read your dosing regime. 0.5, 0.5 +1.0 at night right? Like you probably have read many switch to a longer lasting benzo during taper but it's not a must.

Have you decided to taper now or later? Or ct?

 

[[th...]]

17 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

@[Pa...] is a great contributor here!

Yeah i read your dosing regime. 0.5, 0.5 +1.0 at night right? Like you probably have read many switch to a longer lasting benzo during taper but it's not a must.

Have you decided to taper now or later? Or ct?

I’m so f****** scared of any decision.. I have two failed under me, reinstated like 3 weeks ago and I’m in the middle of a financial storm and the primal fear is saying “you will lose your job then what.” 
I know what is waiting for me… I don’t think I can taper when it’s only been 3 weeks but I don’t know what I’m doing clearly… I’m in a mess 

[[PE...]]

1 minute ago, [[t...] said:

I’m so f****** scared of any decision.. I have two failed under me, reinstated like 3 weeks ago and I’m in the middle of a financial storm and the primal fear is saying “you will lose your job then what.” 
I know what is waiting for me… I don’t think I can taper when it’s only been 3 weeks but I don’t know what I’m doing clearly… I’m in a mess 

Ok I get it. I tried the taper thing the whole last year and it just didn't work after many attempts. I tried CT two times, first was 11 days but couldn't take it. I tried CT once again one week later and knowing what was coming I made it.

Can you take a couple of weeks off?

I think it's common with some trial and error before coming off. 

[[th...]]

18 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

Ok I get it. I tried the taper thing the whole last year and it just didn't work after many attempts. I tried CT two times, first was 11 days but couldn't take it. I tried CT once again one week later and knowing what was coming I made it.

Can you take a couple of weeks off?

I think it's common with some trial and error before coming off. 

I work healthcare and I’m not allowed to miss very much. Private practice. They make their own rules. I just don’t know what to do. I need to be functional and not bed ridden but you don’t know what you will get and this has me scared as shit 

[[th...]]

To be fair, I did make it 3 weeks durinf wd while working but yesterday my boss made a pass at me while I screamed no and ran to my car. I have to work with him and I’m pretending it didn’t happen, while inside I’m dying… his wife runs the office and he is 67 and has big balls apparently so that has created quite a bit of trauma… but I need the job until the house sells… I haven’t told anyone and feel like I can say it here finally since no one knows me… I’m the sole provider of the family. I need this job and he knows it which is why this is an even harder time… 

Edited April 11 by [th...]

[[PE...]]

6 minutes ago, [[t...] said:

To be fair, I did make it 3 weeks durinf wd while working but yesterday my boss made a pass at me while I screamed no and ran to my car. I have to work with him and I’m pretending it didn’t happen, while inside I’m dying… his wife runs the office and he is 67 and has big balls apparently so that has created quite a bit of trauma… but I need the job until the house sells… I haven’t told anyone and feel like I can say it here finally since no one knows me… I’m the sole provider of the family. I need this job and he knows it which is why this is an even harder time… 

Oh sorry about that.. he ruined your ct! 

Ok but then you know you can do it.. should give some comfort. I surely wouldn't be able to work back when i was in acute. 

Mabey a faster taper? Better then no taper at all.