Lost time

[[...]]

As I'm slowly improving and getting my mind back, I have this feeling that the last 6+ years of my life vanished.  It's hard to remember any of it.  I'm not completely amnestic to it but it almost feels like I woke up one day and was 6 years older.  This is really upsetting to know that many years of my life were spent in an awful medicated state that I can barely remember.  The memories I do have are really upsetting ones.  Like arguments or things I said or did that I wish I didn't.  I wasn't my normal self then, and I can really see it now that I am getting my mental reserves back.  So I cannot fully blame myself or behavior but it is still really hard to come to terms with.  What has helped you all with these problems?

 

Oh by the way, I slept the first time in 7 years without any medication couple days ago .  I never thought this would ever be possible.  But I have been sleeping so well with minimal or no medication.  I can say with personal experience now that the benzos do not promote sleep and the light sleep you get is not restful.  Some moments I almost feel back to my normal self.  Almost there I think, hopefully a few more months.

 

[[Br...]]

Hi @[...] - I think you're giving voice to feelings a lot of us have had during withdrawal.  I felt like the years I'd been on benzos had been spent living with a thick blanket over my awareness and emotions.  Then when the blanket started to lift I was flooded with unprocessed memories, including nonsensical repetitive intrusive memories.  Over time a lot of healing took place and with it acceptance, improved cognition, and resilience.  The biggest help for me has been the simple passing of time my system needed to repair itself but also self compassion and good self-care.  BB was a lifeline too.  Giving and receiving support makes a world of difference.

I'm so glad for you that you're getting some good sleep. Everything is easier to cope with when you can sleep.  

[[Nu...]]

Hiya @[...]. Agree with @[Br...]. Many of us seem to have these feelings -- I sure did. So many things are blurry, or I just don't remember them, or I didn't respond to situations like I normally would have. Feel I say this often and I'm a parrot, but radical acceptance has been the biggest key to me. We can't really control this, just our response to it. Also, using this as a means of personal growth in the areas where that's pertinent. If I need to grow out of this withdrawal thing, why not use it to grow as a person, too?

Sleep is so important. Glad that's getting squared away for you. Sending good vibes your way.