I am not able to taper properly and this is haunting me. Could someone take a moment to resonate with me about the situation? Thank!

[[Id...]]

Hi all,

 I really shouldn’t write a post now, but it’s really hard for me to ask for help and desperation is what helps me to do it currently.

Mine is an horror story because of unbelievable prescriptions I received after troubles discontinuing a lorazepam prescription for insomnia. It’s my fourth and half year in wd.

Founding you is what saved my life (physically). I learned about what was going on, acted on Aston and benzoinfo guidelines and some very eye opening insights you gifted me (I remember each one of you and hold the gratitude in my heart), and now I have a life again (almost couch ridden 22/24 but still a lot better than before).

What is haunting me:

1: probably because of previous severe kindling with clonazepam I can’t up my Diazepam. I have tried, slowly painstakingly… I arrived at 7 mg while reducing lorazepam but it was unbearable: physically, and depression wise it became simply not coherent with life. 
Now I slowly crawled back at 3 mg in the morning when WD symptoms arise, it doesn’t make me feel better but I know it’s the way. It’s been a couple of months at this dosage and this is all I can manage. 

2: lorazepam… short version is I “have to” take it at night to have minimal sleep (without it everything is ten times worse and simply not manageable in my peculiar situation). it’s 2 mg sometimes slightly more if too desperate for an hour of sleep. I don’t take more to not have legal problems because I need to drive (it’s essential to survive and I never do in a not good state, I am overly strict about it).

I perfectly understand that I am being unreasonable but this is what I had do to survive in a violent situation where I am alone (essentially I need to don’t look like I need to be locked up and poli drugged like happened before in the same scenario).

 I keep on seeing good and resonate discussions on here but my minimal learning ability after a forced CT 15 months ago is stuck around 0 and is not enough to resonate alone if something can be used to try to improve. Fear is to mess up too much and end up locked up again (because I look like I need it if I can’t eat or take care of myself or, worse fear I start to not be able to physically explain myself) and you know that with the average understanding about this situation this would be the end.

I am not opposed to try new medicines either, technically I have a prescription for everything under the sun, but I was prescribed till losing my mind and almost my life (I weaned off everything more than a year ago, technically with AND without doctor advice at the same time because every doctor I meet has his own new opinion) I am around 40 years old, but my physical state and capacity seems around 100 almost always.

Thanks a lot ❤️ excuse me for not being able to express better.

 I know I’ ll have to take my time to answer if needed to do it the best I can 

 

[[...]]

@[Id...], hi 

It's a sad story like most of the stories here. I really feel for you and just want you to know you're not alone. You seem to be somehow managing the situation, although not exactly the way you'd like, right? Are you tapering now or staying at the same dosages like holding for some time? I'm not an expert in long tapering but can try to think over your situation along with you, perhaps it could help you see it better and come to a good decision.

Anyway, don't get desperate, pls! Hope things will soon improve for you. Good luck!)

[[Bu...]]

Hi @[Id...],

Gosh, I'm sorry for everything you've been through.  Like @[...] said, maybe we can all work together on this.  If nothing else to just give you some support and reassurance.  I think it's really ok if you can't taper right now.  You are holding, is that right?  

 

[[Id...]]

[[Id...]]

Hi @[Bu...],

thanks a lot for your reply also, it means the world to me. I am holding doing the best I can, I know I could do more and better, I physically feel like I could, but in this situation it’s all I can do… I feel bad because I feel I am assuming just to eat or sleep or be ready to escape if it comes to that; not because I have to (at least in a little percentage). Two years ago I was in a hospital where they gave me 100 mg lorazepam per day and many things more. It’s been a long way since that but it gives you the measure. 
 

10 hours ago, [[B...] said:

maybe we can all work together on this.  If nothing else to just give you some support and reassurance

Thank a lot for this, and support is inestimable. 
My wishful thinking is to have someone that can learn what’s going on, so that I can stop worrying about being locked in and end up bad (a place without violence and accessible for my neurological problems, would be nice also). But it’s a dream for now and there’s no way to see any improvement sooner if ever. 
 

Symptoms are the usual but no more akathasia nor seizures like during and after forced CT. 

But please don’t be sad 🙂, I would never want to cause that, really, I am smiling typing to you 

[[...]]

5 hours ago, [[I...] said:

Hi @[...],

thanks for replying I know I am not alone in this situation or even worse, I am alone and I have been for these years. This is taking an immense toll on me. I have a friend that sometimes goes outside his route to come visit but he tries to convince me it’s all in my head. Another one helps me with money but in person is borderline verbally abusive and I dread his presence. Others, rightly so, have their own life and can chitchat few minutes but in such a flight freeze state I am not a normal chatting person. 
I didn’t want to make anyone sad, I feel lucky I have access to prescriptions, it wasn’t always so (after I told my gp I was in a life treating condition she refused to renew her papers).

I tapered, thanks to this forum, before I had no idea what a taper was I was just switched different between benzos. I don’t know how much, I can’t read my own notes and they are typed. I am just glad I was able to go back to “normal” doses. Even if the slightly more sometimes to be able to sleep to be able to function a minimum worries me. Where I live I get randomly wake up at night by porpoise from violent abusive neighbors that are destroying my home, I can’t sell it. I can’t pay rent somewhere else. I could go in an other place where there are no noises at night, but it’s so isolated that depression hits hard and is not family proof (they are always been violent. And now even more). I should do cancer follow ups (fortunately it was many years ago) and I can’t do it here, more so there. I should file for disability but I have no idea where to start from, this isn’t recognized.

Sorry I got carried away but each of this thing have their weight. I slowly tapered even if not like schemes, the inability with diazepam was a big hit to take in. I am at the limit to have a minimal function now. I am holding. A good advice I received here was to use sleep to gain a little stability and feel better and that was really gold. 
 

I worry about the “sometime slightly more to sleep” it is really slight I worry it won’t be enough soon… so probably I should swallow more depression and fleet to the isolated place. I worry I started to “eye the clock” like a predator around 4 pm to calculate how long I have to wait to go to bed that was the first and most terrible thing when I started intradose WD but I didn’t know at that time.

I wrote a lot because I can’t think too much in this situation and now you know all I think.

Thank you so much ❤️, I needed to hear that. I can’t improve things around me that shouldn’t even be here in the first place and that impacts my vision a lot. I’ll submit here because the energy this takes makes me feel bad, sorry if there are errors or confusion 

@[Id...], once again, soo sorry for you living through all this hard circumstances🥺 I guess it must be sucking a lot of hope and vigour out of you and yet you manage to be sympathetic and positive. Kudos to you

Today isn't my best day, so i might be mistaken. As far as i understand, you've had insomnia for a long time, no other issues apart from cancer, which you got over and you were prescribed benzo+z drugs to sort out the insomnia, right? Now you feel miserable/painful bc of the drugs effect, including interdose withdrawal but still it's too tough on you to go on with the tapering and you're afraid you'll have to increase your benzo dosage to avoid possible sleep worsening. Is it correct?  Sorry again if i got it wrong. I just want to understand your situation better.

Keep going, every good thing or a true miracle is possible as long as we live!🌤️

Edited March 21 by [...]

[[Id...]]

[[...]]

@[Id...], no, you're the same caring and kind self. It's easily noticeable. You're just endlessly tired and confused, no wonder.

i can understand you too well. Your story does ring a bell, although my benzo experience was less complicated and less tough. 

Two years ago i was neither dying nor living and nobody, including doctors, could understand why. I learnt about benzo effects by chance and started my taper, not fully believing it was the core issue, just in case it could somehow help. And here i am. Not healthy yet but a human being)

I know it's much more complex with you and i don't know how to help you get it out of the vicious circle. It's really hard but i think if the miracle happens and you finish your taper, you'll be ok and begin getting better. It happened to me, to my great surprise) Sure it's just my opinion. Hope someone else will share their thoughts, and perhaps more to the point.

Wish you joy and strength! I'm sure you'll see brighter days🌈

[[Id...]]

I think I am going to try to up my diazepam again, slowly of course, and accordingly to equivalence lower the lorazepam. 
There’s no much I can do in this state of things… I‘ll just try to endure the depression and physical symptoms that comes with it. I looked back at my notes and I seemed that in this way I had slightly better days symptoms wise (even if I was physically more frail… every minimal neurological insult, just a noise, was too much and made me feel worse).

 Combed the forum so much but I didn’t find something that helps sleep a bit (I would have endured insomnia before, now after so many years in wd it’s a problem).

@[...] (thank for sharing your experience) and @[Bu...], thank again for your words 🙂 

If anyone else has the slightest suggestion , support, personal thoughts, anecdotal experience to discuss I’m here.

If someone would like to write privately just for chatting it might help, because no one around understands this (like for many others). 
 

Anyway best wishes to all 

[[...]]

3 hours ago, [[I...] said:

I think I am going to try to up my diazepam again, slowly of course, and accordingly to equivalence lower the lorazepam. 
There’s no much I can do in this state of things… I‘ll just try to endure the depression and physical symptoms that comes with it. I looked back at my notes and I seemed that in this way I had slightly better days symptoms wise (even if I was physically more frail… every minimal neurological insult, just a noise, was too much and made me feel worse).

 Combed the forum so much but I didn’t find something that helps sleep a bit (I would have endured insomnia before, now after so many years in wd it’s a problem).

@[...] (thank for sharing your experience) and @[Bu...], thank again for your words 🙂 

If anyone else has the slightest suggestion , support, personal thoughts, anecdotal experience to discuss I’m here.

If someone would like to write privately just for chatting it might help, because no one around understands this (like for many others). 
 

Anyway best wishes to all 

@[Id...], i've read about your highly symptomatic day today. So endlessly sorry🥺 Hope it'll be better tomorrow. For me, it often works and worked even in tolerance, perhaps it'll be the same way for you 🙂

Are you going to try to gradually cross over to diazepam completely so that you'll have just 1 benzo to deal with?

[[Bu...]]

[[Id...]]

I didn’t answer anymore because I was not able.

 I’m lost and confused. So tired. I know what I am doing because I’m doing what I can to survive, but technically I don’t know

I guess I’m crying again now and this is really not usual for me.

 After I wrote this post I tried to slightly up my diazepam but it was such a big no. I reduced now, a lot from 3 to 2 mg, not in one step but brutally enough. More or less a week ago, so, if I understand I need a week more to judge the results on me. Psychologically I am repulsed by it. I fight to take it daily I just wish to stop but I can’t in case of avverse reaction.
Physical symptoms are still manageable. I am more present with myself which is huge.

This med is not doable for me, but if that isn’t am I left to perpetual wd? Or tolerance I think I have no idea where I am now.

 I am really mad because a lot of this is to remain functional enough to barely stay afloat, without any help.

 I am less and less able to communicate due to trauma.

I know because I have notes that I was able to cross taper till 14 diazepam and 2 “lorazepam” but I didn’t feel any better and even if I remain always present I can tell I was not really here. Memories didn’t form right. I remember everything but is like if I don’t… if this makes any sense.

Sometimes I worry this is because “my” particular original benzo I stil use, similar to lorazepam but there are people that live a normal life with 400 mg daily. Not a typo, but this is useless because it’s illegal outside my country so I can’t really know.

 I am alone. Friends are a burden more than a help in daily life. I am lucky I have them but still…

 I have lost energies I don’t have talking with a lawyer because of external situation, I wasn’t able to have the medical attention I need because of trauma.

Hot season is almost here, I have such a heat/sun intolerance I should move to another house that is less hot but still not cold enough and spend the summer closed in, in dark and loud environment (not really loud but there are kids and a door closed without grace wakes me up) alone even more than now and spend the summer closed in dark and brain fogged from heat and situationally severely depressed, like I had to do last years

I know I wrote a lot but that’s all 

Edited June 6 by [Id...]

[[Ja...]]

Idon’tknow,..good to see you back bud,.especially if your alone a lot man,.it sounds like your still getting pulled through the mill

this carry on really does take its tow bud especially mentally,.I was just seeing the mental health team this week as well as it’s so overwhelming 

Is that where your at 2mg now,.there a wee bit of daylight in sight at that dose pal

 

 

 

[[Id...]]

9 minutes ago, [[J...] said:

Idon’tknow,..good to see you back bud,.especially if your alone a lot man

Thank you so much @[Ja...], not important but I am a woman, a really feminine one that had a really masculine job (strength test to enter were equal).

 I am not physically nor psychologically able to reach out for health help. Last psychologist I saw was specialized in benzo and reveled me that I faked my initial insomnia as an excuse to get high on meds. Previous weren’t better. 

It’s 4 mg now. But I am holding and as I wrote previously in the post my brain got broken thinking that no sleep is equal to death (but it was wd and I didn’t know). I am not able to do more 

 Forgot to say that,except for a bit of sleep, I mainly get avverse reaction. With diazepam is all paradoxical reaction, but probably helped intra dose wd 
 

It is really good to see you also man 🙂! I hope you are doing good 

[[Ja...]]

Orr sorry about that pal,I dunno why I presumed a man lol,.I use that a lot in my vocabulary,..I’m blaming the withdrawal lol

yea that paradoxical affect that folk get I think i experience to,.it feel nothing like a Valium used to,.my pupils become very dilated,I would actually say it feels more like taking a low dose magic mushroom,very weird sometimes 

I feel more benifet after it wears of a few hours later and I get a bit of myself back,same at nights to,I dose 12pm,..6pm,..12.am 8mg split into 3,..I always feel a bit better late on

[[Id...]]

I am freaking out. Diazepam is not for me ok. I am in tolerance with lorazepam and if I take less I will be bedridden. No one helps or understand. I am tortured enough I can’t face total insomnia again but I guess I have to. I want to live 

with help I just mean help me remain clean and eat. I survived from canned food for four years I can’t even eat that anymore too much nausea.

I think that’s all thank you for being here. Thank you for all the support provided and for this place. I wouldn’t be here probably if I didn’t understand what was going on thanks to you.

@[Ja...] no need to excuse or blame I never told and even if I did, you aren’t supposed to know everything. If anything you gifted me a smile:)

thanks again 

Edited June 7 by [Id...]

[[or...]]

How many pills are you taking and what type, lately?  What do you feel you want to do at this point, taper off the benzo (s) or just keep taking the pills in order to sleep?  Many of us have made it through insomnia, but I feel if I'd never started to taper, I would have gotten a lot more Tolerance WD sxs which all I want is my life back, and as much quality of life as I can get, oregonlady

PS lots of pros and cons to weigh out, and then make a decision you feel you can adapt to, and cope with the wd sxs.  I do a very slow taper of 3% which sounds ridiculous to some   But the higher your dosages are, the larger tapers you can do is what I've read in Ashton I believe it was.

[[Id...]]

I come from four years of horror and wrong prescribed tapers and forced ct till almost death.

i am in 4 mg liquid form and this is what I need to survive. But my quality of life is already non existent and full of symptoms I can’t go on like this