My story and your thoughts are very much needed

[[Ya...]]

 

I truly apologise for the long thread but I literally have no one to understand what Iam passing through except you guys. Kindly share your thoughts and advice  

My story : 

Before year 2000 : Very normal extrovert, very bubbly happy and social and productive. Happy childhood and happy school and uni years no issues, zero depression, zero anxiety , risk taking personality etc

Year 2000 : Was visiting my parents, and fell deep into a sudden day/night existential crisis, started with an existential question this is where i got my very first panic attack. Freaked out ! Got depressed but was not functional for 2 weeks or so and then went back to Egypt and was functional but with lingering "topic specific" anxiety, once i get the existential thought resolved im ok and happy, NOTHING LIKE BENZO ANXIETY. This took 2 to 3 years to be resolved on its own, parents forced me to take prozac (psychiatrist) took it i guess for 1 week, felt very bad on it so stopped it. Then issues got better and wasnt fixated on it. 

Year 2003-2019 : Back to my self, zero depression, zero anxiety, zero panic , just like how i was prior to year 2000, very functional and productive, grounded and ok. Maybe wasn't the healthiest nutrition wise nor fitness wise.  

June 2019 : Witnessed a "murder" scene by accident, right infront of my house , (out of all the houses this was a rare thing to happen specially in Dubai), got high anxiety for 3 to 4 days from the scene, then got hit with a panic attack , freaked out fearing to go back to how I was in year 2000, stupidly ran to a psychiatrist and he said in 15 min that I have GAD / PTSD  , wrote for me escilaptram (lexapro) and clonazepam (rivotril) 

June 2019-September 2019 : On the medications as prescribed, feeling like a zombie, heightened anxiety, ruminating thoughts, feeling not myself.  Wanting to come off all medications. 

September 2019 -June 2021 : Found ashton and on my own asked doctor to switch me from lexapro to prozac (for longer half life) , dropped by 10-15% every 2 weeks and sometimes 7% etc both prozac and clonazepam. Very rough taper, all typical wd symptoms, Took last benzo bit 6 June 2021 and after a few month stopped the prozac. 

Post June 2021 : Took 2 rescue doses when I felt my body going hay wire, acute started then continued to hold on, had windows and waves pattern. Windows started getting bigger and waves around 4 to 6 weeks long similar intensity. During windows I felt completely back to my self , only remaining fatigue and weight gain, benzo belly, hypoglycemia, heavy periods etc, While in windows its like im back to me, zero anxiety, zero sadness, seeking life and totally thinking im healed etc. I calculated that 50% from June 2021 till June 2023 were windows and 50% were waves, waves usually related to hormonal changes and menses. 

June 2023 : Due to excess bleeding during my menses (oestrogen dominance), found out i have a 18cm fibroid and went to several doctors and all opted for a hysterectomy. Did an MRI with contrast and this caused a major wave or setback, my setbacks always start with bodily anxiety that induces an initial panic. I am not sure what to call it and ofcourse so did the anestesia (i clearly asked them not to give me benzo) . Did a partial hysterectomy (removed uterus + 1 ovary, remaining 1 ovary and cervix-sorry for the details) , wave stayed for 6 weeks and then back to a 6 month beautiful window where I thought i was over benzo world and was about to write my success story. 

Dec 2023 : Wanted to be more healthy, back to fitness training, so i went to my functional medicine nutrionist and started taking magnesium taurate, vitamin D, b12 chewable tablets, garcinia cambodia and chromium (to lose weight) and within 5 to 7 days BAM ! a major setback but much more extreme than acute and is getting harsher and harsher every day as we speak. IM COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED and functioning minute by minute is a struggle  

Symptoms : 

- Extreme chemical terror and anxiety

- Relentless panic attacks (Tried DNRS and Letting it pass techniques, doesnt seem to work much) 

- Morning dread 

- Post anxiety attack or panic attack my body shivers and legs shake so vigorously 

 - Choking extreme sadness , unbelievable extreme doom and gloom 

- Ruminations and ideations regarding fear of having a new panic disorder

- DR , loss of complete self. 

- zero appetite

- afraid of irrational and stupid things, that i never even crossed my mind 

The only thing that calms me down slightly : 

- Chamomile tea (alot) 

- Hot showers 

- Distractions with work 

- Success stories 

 

I am in currently in a v v v v very bad place at the moment that was never this intense, all my fears are whether : 

- Will i be this messed up all my life? 

- Have i developed this new panic disorder? My fears are all revolving panic and getting myself into this mess, although when i am in windows , these thoughts are non existent. 

- Will random panic attacks or life anxiety cause setbacks in the future this intense? Knowing in windows im zero anxious and zero sad 

- What is a difference between a wave and a setback? 

- Why is this wave or setback so intense ? 

- Will i continue to get these torturous setbacks from any minimal stress? or does my body build resilience

- I never thought I would say this but I actually thought about reinstating or taking AD, but i am thinking if my body now is so sensitive to even supplements then how will it react to anything psychogenic ? Don't want to take the risk. 

Any word of encouragement would be highly appreciated and positive thoughts and reassurance. 

 

[[Hu...]]

Sounds like something hormonal, adrenal. Maybe visit a gynecologist and do blood testing. 

 

[[Ya...]]

4 minutes ago, [[H...] said:

Sounds like something hormonal, adrenal. Maybe visit a gynecologist and do blood testing. 

Yes i will do so also