I failed and I am sorry

[Guest [...]]

I cannot do this anymore. Tomorrow I am calling my doctor and going back on heavy duty psych meds. This is no life for me anymore. I tried and stuff just isn't meant to be. Happy early b-day to me.

Yes I'll re-gain those 80lbs, yes I'll get back the tardivdikinsia, yes I'll be incontinent (happened on a girl's trip luckily nobody saw), drooling. Wont be able to work anymore, and going back to showering only once every 5 days but it's the only escape I have from this hell. I'm swapping one hell for another but what's the difference when I know my life isn't getting better anyway and living in fear daily of more loss.

I asked for a sign for hope and healing and well I got one, not the one I was looking for.

[Guest [...]]

This is utter hell. I haven't cried this much in my life.

[[Co...]]

Hello @[Sp...]

I mean this constructively: please try to do things to distract you from what you are going through. Habitually writing about how poorly you feel only reinforces those feelings. Posting about it once in while can be a cathartic exercise - obsessing about has the opposite effect.

I suggest - even if it is very difficult for you - that you get away from the screen, go for walks, and try to interact with people. Even if it is just a nod of the head, a smile, or a hello. Try to break the negative routine (as best you can).

Try to answer this truthfully: are your posts to BB helping you? If the answer is 'no', then it is time to try a different approach.

[Guest [...]]

Distraction never ever helps me. The pain is always there.

[[Co...]]

On 12/03/2024 at 16:44, [[S...] said:

Distraction never ever helps me. The pain is always there.

It takes practice. It is the same with negative thoughts. The more you engage in them, the more you are, essentially, practicing them, and the easier it is for you to fall into them again. I am not sure from where you hail, but as I have heard Americans say, fake it 'til you make it. New ways of thinking do not just happen. Negative or positive, practice is a large part of it.

I am not suggesting that it is easy. Only that you should avoid behaviours which only serve to reinforce thought patterns which are obstacles to you feeling and getting better.

[Guest [...]]

its just a waste. No remedy to get through this trauma. I just got put back on heavy duty stuff to numb everything.

[[So...]]

I fully agree with @[Co...] once I was even 5% better I started to do small hobbies like learning to crochet and it was INCREDIBLY hard but it just snowballed from there and now I'd say I'm 30-40% well.  It isn't easy but I totally agree it's the only way out of the fight or flight mode we perpetually find ourselves in.

Edited March 12 by [So...]

[Guest [...]]

I never leave the flight/fight mode. I am in constant hell. It's been like this for 5 full years. Waking up tomorrow morning to my bday is going to be hell and frightening.

[[de...]]

@[Sp...]  Just wanted to reach out and maybe give you some food for thought.  This a peer to peer support group.   Not only are we here to get support, we are also here to give support to others.  It is actually a great model because you can get much needed support, and as you give others support you actually get a tremendous benefit!!!!  Helping others helps with distraction, helps you feel better about yourself because you are doing something for your fellow man, it helps make your empathy muscles stronger, it helps you place someone else's suffering above your own.  I could go on and on, but those are a few of the benefits.  This forum is a two way street and, in my humble opinion, it works really well.  Can I ask that you let your fellow sufferers know one good thing that is happening in your life today?  It can be as simple as "I was able to take a shower".  I look forward to seeing your post with this one good thing!  Or could you post something like "I am struggling today and also thinking about others who are struggling"?  This admonition is coming from someone who has tremendous empathy for anyone who is going through this process.  We are in charge of our healing and happiness!  Nobody is going to come to our rescue, but there are plenty of people on this forum who are more than willing to listen and support, but you have to do the work to get well.  

[Guest [...]]

Nope no good things. Literally nothing. I work ( because I actually have to work for my money) and that is it, I put all my energy there.

[[de...]]

@[Sp...] Thanks for getting back with your answer to one good thing.  If I may be so bold to ask another question.  Why are you a member of this forum?  That is an honest question.  I would love to know how you are benefitting personally by being here.  Everyone has different motivations for being a member so I don't want to pretend to know your motives.  I also want to point out that one really good thing about your day is that you have a job and are able to go to work.  I have not been able to work for four years.  I loved working, and this has been a great loss.  There are many other members who cannot work and have tremendous financial pressures.  

[[He...]]

Spingshowers i think you are a great person that is able to work you should be proud !

[Guest [...]]

Id rather work and be told "im not sick"  then not work and be told "i am lazy".  I have too much pride

[Guest [...]]

Actually you do not have to thank me because working isnt what I consider a "good thing", it's something that has to be and should be done. LOL

[[ns...]]

Springshowers, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, I found something great in success stories I think k you might want to read.

There are several stories of buddies who have been through this journey. Some worse than mine or yours. 

I hope you will take the time to go through them, read them,  listen to their heart and how they have such hope to offer.

It's called success stories, please spend some time there.

I know it helped me, I hope these stories of hope will help u too!

Ns

[[Sw...]]

@[Sp...] does it make you feel better to come here and completely reject the help people are offering? Many of us have been to hell and back, or are in hell now and still choose to be positive forces for the good of others even if we’re still suffering. 
 

No one can wave a magic wand and make all your problems go away. If you’re not willing to use this forum properly and enrich your life then why are you here? People are trying to help you and you’re devaluing them with your bad attitude. Get a therapist to talk to and ask them to help you understand why you’re so full of pride… maybe then you’ll be able to recognize your self sabotaging behaviors. 
 

Humility would probably boost your healing by 50%. How about that?

[[Ta...]]

I have been on this journey almost four years, and I know it's rough. But right now, outside my window there are "spring showers" happening. My daughter planted wildflowers in the yard, and when the gentle rain started she went outside and jumped up and down, and cheered (she's 28). I felt irritated. So, she dragged me out into those wretched "spring showers" and they started to grow on me (a little.) The smell of the ocean was in the air, and teensy little raindrops were dancing all over my face, and I started giving in to the joy of the moment. "Spring Showers" (your namesake) are pretty magical, and hard to resist, even when we are grouchy and feeling crappy from benzos. 

So, if for no other reason than this, you can feel grateful for your name here on BB. You picked it, and that's pretty f***ing wonderful!

[[ns...]]

21 hours ago, [[T...] said:

I have been on this journey almost four years, and I know it's rough. But right now, outside my window there are "spring showers" happening. My daughter planted wildflowers in the yard, and when the gentle rain started she went outside and jumped up and down, and cheered (she's 28). I felt irritated. So, she dragged me out into those wretched "spring showers" and they started to grow on me (a little.) The smell of the ocean was in the air, and teensy little raindrops were dancing all over my face, and I started giving in to the joy of the moment. "Spring Showers" (your namesake) are pretty magical, and hard to resist, even when we are grouchy and feeling crappy from benzos. 

So, if for no other reason than this, you can feel grateful for your name here on BB. You picked it, and that's pretty f***ing wonderful!

Spring showers!

I'm not very happy with you right now! You've hurt someone here and you should be ashamed of yourself!

I don't know exactly what you said but I know this! We are all here doing the best we can. I've taken the time to try to help you with kindness and out of compassion. You're negative junk needs to be hauled out to the trash right now!

No one here needs it and you don't need it!

You can't see that your being attacked by the enemy, the enemy is a drug, your mind, a friend or anything you decide it to be!

Wake up! Life is short and we're all just trying to help each other thru a very difficult time. Your not the only one here suffering, do u think u are?

Stop it, look around! We're all going thru it and we don't need to be haselled. It's painful, does it make u feel good to hurt those who try to make you feel better? What does that even mean? Take a minute, take a breath and ask yourself, why am I so angry? 

Look in the mirror, smile, tell yourself your going to be ok, you're going to be nice to someone today. You might like the way it makes u feel!

Ns

[[Hi...]]

I have been dealing with this for 53 months now.  Its gotten better but I still suffer.  

 

Attitude is everything!

 

I will not allow myself to be beaten by this.  Not ever.

 

Wr know you can do it.  You are worth the effort.