Terrified, lost, helpless. Symptoms worsening 4 weeks after CT

[[Lu...]]

Curious if anyone had symptoms continuing to get worse at 4 weeks out. I truly feel like I am in hell right now. Reaching out desperately to you all to see if these symptoms align with any of your experiences or if I am truly losing my mind. Symptoms have been bad last few weeks after cold turkey off xanax but they seem to be getting worse every day which I did not expect. INTENSE OCD and intrusive thoughts, extreme depersonalization and derealization. Intense brain fog to the point I am sometimes forgetting what time of day it is. Crippling panic attacks that have me literally falling to my knees. Crippling depression. I am still functioning but barely. So scared I am losing my mind, so sad. So beyond sad. Deep soul crushing debilitating sadness. Trying so hard to be brave and understand this is a WD symptom but my mind keeps playing tricks on me that I am truly or have already lost my mind. I run a business And have 5 employees that count on me and still have to put on a face all day that I am totally fine it’s completely exhausting. I have to hold on. I also am a father and husband. Trying not to let my family know how bad this is right now. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I cannot be stronger than this. Not to mention the physical symptoms. Intense pounding heart, muscle tremors. Twitching. Burning and cold sensations. Terrible headache which is almost constant and strained neck muscles. Trying to white knuckle it every day, every hour, every minute. But it seems to be getting worse and worse. Praying for reprieve soon. Has anyone ever felt this way at 4 weeks out or am I truly losing it? I have been kindled several times. Thank you in advance for any replies or shared experiences. I am so desperate for a shoulder to lean on that may understand this hell I am in the throws of currently. In my current state it’s impossible to imagine I will ever be back to my normal, happy self. Impossible to think I will ever be able to be a good parent again. I just can’t stop crying this is torture. I’m so sorry if this is triggering to read but I am desperate. 

Edited March 9 by [Lu...]

[[ns...]]

7 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

Curious if anyone had symptoms continuing to get worse at 4 weeks out. I truly feel like I am in hell right now. Reaching out desperately to you all to see if these symptoms align with any of your experiences or if I am truly losing my mind. Symptoms have been bad last few weeks after cold turkey off xanax but they seem to be getting worse every day which I did not expect. INTENSE OCD and intrusive thoughts, extreme depersonalization and derealization. Intense brain fog to the point I am sometimes forgetting what time of day it is. Crippling panic attacks that have me literally falling to my knees. Crippling depression. I am still functioning but barely. So scared I am losing my mind, so sad. So beyond sad. Deep soul crushing debilitating sadness. Trying so hard to be brave and understand this is a WD symptom but my mind keeps playing tricks on me that I am truly or have already lost my mind. I run a business And have 5 employees that count on me and still have to put on a face all day that I am totally fine it’s completely exhausting. I have to hold on. I also am a father and husband. Trying not to let my family know how bad this is right now. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I cannot be stronger than this. Not to mention the physical symptoms. Intense pounding heart, muscle tremors. Twitching. Burning and cold sensations. Terrible headache which is almost constant and strained neck muscles. Trying to white knuckle it every day, every hour, every minute. But it seems to be getting worse and worse. Praying for reprieve soon. Has anyone ever felt this way at 4 weeks out or am I truly losing it? I have been kindled several times. Thank you in advance for any replies or shared experiences. I am so desperate for a shoulder to lean on that may understand this hell I am in the throws of currently. In my current state it’s impossible to imagine I will ever be back to my normal, happy self. Impossible to think I will ever be able to be a good parent again. I just can’t stop crying this is torture. I’m so sorry if this is triggering to read but I am desperate. 

Oh Lucas, I'm so sorry your having such a difficult time!

As I'm reading this I can't help but to think about the success stories I've read today!

I needed to read them to remind me that I will get better and so will you, you will heal Lucas. 

I can see you are trying to keep your pain to yourself, your wife could be a support system for u ok. Perhaps you should include her in this. 

Your symptoms are from withdrawal and from your cold turkey. 

I know someone here will be by to offer suggestions, possible to ask if you might consider reinstating your xanax or switching to a valium or another longer acting benzo. 

Your in my thoughts Lucas and your in my prayers, your going to be ok, try not to focus on the symptoms, try to distract yourself some. 

Someone will be here to assist soon, hang in there ok 

Take care

Ns

[[Nu...]]

If you are struggling this much, then a reinstatement may be a good idea. Others with more experience can chime in, but you need to be more functional than this. You can then try a slow taper off the current med or switch to diazepam. I'd speak with your physician about it tomorrow.

I hate to hear your say you should be "stronger than this". This isn't a question of your strength as a person -- it's a reality of physical dependence that's stronger than anyone out there.

[[wi...]]

1 hour ago, [[L...] said:

Curious if anyone had symptoms continuing to get worse at 4 weeks out. I truly feel like I am in hell right now. Reaching out desperately to you all to see if these symptoms align with any of your experiences or if I am truly losing my mind. Symptoms have been bad last few weeks after cold turkey off xanax but they seem to be getting worse every day which I did not expect. INTENSE OCD and intrusive thoughts, extreme depersonalization and derealization. Intense brain fog to the point I am sometimes forgetting what time of day it is. Crippling panic attacks that have me literally falling to my knees. Crippling depression. I am still functioning but barely. So scared I am losing my mind, so sad. So beyond sad. Deep soul crushing debilitating sadness. Trying so hard to be brave and understand this is a WD symptom but my mind keeps playing tricks on me that I am truly or have already lost my mind. I run a business And have 5 employees that count on me and still have to put on a face all day that I am totally fine it’s completely exhausting. I have to hold on. I also am a father and husband. Trying not to let my family know how bad this is right now. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I cannot be stronger than this. Not to mention the physical symptoms. Intense pounding heart, muscle tremors. Twitching. Burning and cold sensations. Terrible headache which is almost constant and strained neck muscles. Trying to white knuckle it every day, every hour, every minute. But it seems to be getting worse and worse. Praying for reprieve soon. Has anyone ever felt this way at 4 weeks out or am I truly losing it? I have been kindled several times. Thank you in advance for any replies or shared experiences. I am so desperate for a shoulder to lean on that may understand this hell I am in the throws of currently. In my current state it’s impossible to imagine I will ever be back to my normal, happy self. Impossible to think I will ever be able to be a good parent again. I just can’t stop crying this is torture. I’m so sorry if this is triggering to read but I am desperate. 

Not triggering, and don't worry about others right now.  I was on long term xanax use and I can tell you you are NOT crazy.  This is absolutely the wd and 4 weeks from a Ct is not a long time at all, brother.  Your brain is traumatized right now, and CT's are super, super harsh and never recommended, but sometimes they happen.

I can't imagine the extra hell you are going through trying to conceal; your torture from your family.

The looping crazy thoughts of OCD and insanity are extreme and sometimes people have to reinstate and then taper slowly because they just can't deal with the hell of CT.  What you are going through is REAL and not many will understand it, so there is an extreme sense of loneliness and shame that gets added to our experience.

The depression is dark and scary but I swear it is not you, it is our short circuited brain being starved of calming chemicals that the xanax has messed up. We're left with a burning brain and in fight/flight or freeze mode as if our life is in serious danger but there is no external threat present..it's all happening in the brain.  This and alcohol are f-ing brutal withdrawals. Take care and message me anytime you need to. Try and stay safe.  You have not had any seizure activity from what you say.  That is one of the things to be watched, but when I was told by an addictions doctor that if seizures are going to happen they usually present in the first 30 days. Just passing on what I was told, not a doctor here and have no idea if that is really true or not.

Love you, buddy. Please keep reaching out, I'm praying for you and sending you healing thoughts.

 

 

Edited March 9 by [wi...]

[[Lu...]]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, truly. What a humbling experience this is. To be brought such comfort and love from strangers is something very foreign to me and has truly changed my outlook on humanity as a whole haha. I read all of your replies last night and they truly gave me the strength I needed to finish my day. I am so so hesitant to reinstate because I am scared of drawing this out further but I think you all are right that I may need to be more functional than this. Going to give it a bit longer to see if I start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I pray I do. And I pray you all do as well. You are all such wonderful, knowledgeable people. I think I would be truly lost in this without you all. Thank you again. I will absolutely continue to reach out ❤️ @[wi...]. @[ns...] @[Nu...]

[[de...]]

So sorry you are struggling.   You are in what we refer to as the acute phase of withdrawal.   It is the initial stage and can be very, very challenging for some.     As you are pondering reinstatement let me give you some things to think about.    Reinstatement may or may not relieve your symptoms.   Everyone is different and some get relief and others do not.    Or it may relieve some of your symptoms, but not all of them.   Also, are you familiar with the term kindling?   This is when you have withdrawn from a substance several times and then have gone back on the same substance, only to come off again.   Kindling can cause your withdrawal symptoms to be more intense.   Each time you come off a benzo the symptoms may be a little more intense.   One more thing, if you do reinstate, it will take a little while for you to stabilize.   It is not instantaneous as your body is trying to figure out what is going and how best to incorporate these changes.    

Hope this helps.    Keep reaching out for support.    You will find lots of people here who have been exactly where you are and they will be glad to help.