Went outside and feel more depressed.

[[...]]

After I had a 5 hour Panic attack yesterday I decited to go for a short walk today and ignore the vertigo.

What can I say.

The singing birds didn't make me happy.

The Sound of the river which I loved made me anxious.

I am near crying. Sitting in my dark room again.

I want my life back.

still on 30 mg.

I don't know how to live that way.

[[WU...]]

I had to stop going out walking as the world seems too big out there, at least for now anyway.  Its either too bright, too wide open, too noisy, whatever it is, it is too much, so I retreat. 

It is not easy when we feel so limited but on the other hand there is safety in knowing one's limitations. We can still go outside and just stand there for a bit breathing the fresh air.  I am not a believer in forcing oneself beyond what one feels comfortable with, so just make small changes on some days and if I can't well that's OK too. There is no rush. 

I don't think in terms of getting my life back anymore. I want a different life to the one I had before, not all that different really but one where I feel a level of contentment in simple things, not striving for anything in particular. 

As I don't get outside walking I find I use my binoculars more to keep an eye on the birds which fascinate me, more than they ever did before. It is amazing what you can focus in on and gain some pleasure from without actually leaving the house. 

Wishing you well

 

[[...]]

2 hours ago, [[W...] said:

Ich musste mit dem Spazierengehen aufhören, da mir die Welt da draußen zumindest im Moment zu groß vorkommt. Entweder ist es zu hell, zu weit geöffnet, zu laut, was auch immer es ist, es ist zu viel, also ziehe ich mich zurück. 

Es ist nicht einfach, wenn wir uns so eingeschränkt fühlen, aber andererseits gibt es Sicherheit, wenn wir die eigenen Grenzen kennen. Wir können immer noch nach draußen gehen und einfach ein bisschen dastehen und die frische Luft atmen. Ich bin nicht davon überzeugt, dass man sich über das hinausdrängen sollte, womit man sich wohlfühlt. Nehmen Sie also an manchen Tagen einfach kleine Änderungen vor, und wenn ich das nicht schaffe, ist das auch in Ordnung. Keine Eile. 

Ich denke nicht mehr daran, mein Leben zurückzubekommen. Ich möchte ein anderes Leben als das, das ich zuvor hatte, nicht wirklich anders, aber eines, in dem ich ein gewisses Maß an Zufriedenheit mit einfachen Dingen verspüre und nicht nach etwas Bestimmtem strebe. 

Da ich nicht draußen spazieren gehe, nutze ich mein Fernglas mehr als je zuvor, um die Vögel im Auge zu behalten, die mich faszinieren. Es ist erstaunlich, worauf man sich konzentrieren und Freude daran haben kann, ohne das Haus tatsächlich zu verlassen. 

Wünsche dir gute Besserung

I really needed to hear that today.

Thank you.

My Mom sais "you are still on 30 mg you can't stay at your house for years" so I am trying to act normal when I can.

But nothing is normal.

Its a good way to Look at that and you are right, I don't want my life back, I want a better one. ❤️

 

Are you still tapering?

I hope you are okay ❤️

[[WU...]]

I have found the best way through this is to find a different point of view,  a new way of looking at things as the old way isn't going to help me.  

No, nothing is normal, even normal people are not normal !  Trying to act normal is the "fake it till you make it" idea which is probably a good thing, especially around people who haven't got a clue.

I didn't taper the drug at all, just stopped CT off 5mg diazepam.  Didn't realise what effect it would have and still suffering at 12 months. Just have to carry on, grit my teeth and get on with it ! Good luck to you

 

[[...]]

28 minutes ago, [[W...] said:

I have found the best way through this is to find a different point of view,  a new way of looking at things as the old way isn't going to help me.  

No, nothing is normal, even normal people are not normal !  Trying to act normal is the "fake it till you make it" idea which is probably a good thing, especially around people who haven't got a clue.

I didn't taper the drug at all, just stopped CT off 5mg diazepam.  Didn't realise what effect it would have and still suffering at 12 months. Just have to carry on, grit my teeth and get on with it ! Good luck to you

Wow, I feel that, three years ago I CT from 5 mg Valium too. (Was on Lorazepam before) I didn't made it and reinstated 5 month later.

You are so strong!!!!

I have the most respect for you.

You will make it, you will heal. 

[[kn...]]

I'd have to side with @[WU...] on this one.  I'm now at 4mg diazepam, having tapered down from 60 at the onset.  I used to do extensive walks in the AM and PM at the early stages of my taper.  Now I can barely walk around the block with my cane.  That alone depresses me so much that I stay in as much as possible.  I do as much as I can though to stick to my normal routines, feeding the dog, taking out the garbage every morning, domestic household stuff, etc.  I do also have a couple of good pairs of binoculars, and will drive out to one of parks along the river here to check out the ships, seals, birds in the area.  Somehow, being cocooned in my vehicle makes it much more doable.  Yes, going out in the car does seem like a risk.  Benzo induced neuropathy in my feet and lower legs makes driving a bit dicey, but so far, so good.  I've found that just changing places in the house or changing activities helps a lot.  Reading a bit.  Taking clothes to the laundry in the basement (stairs are a pain) and such counts as movement and raises my spirits.  I try to follow the rule, staying in one place for no more than 30 min. or so.  Hope this helps.  

 

[[WU...]]

[[WU...]]

15 minutes ago, [[k...] said:

a couple of good pairs of binoculars

Yes I have two pairs, one upstairs and one downstairs so I don't miss anything. I can focus in on ships from my house and then go and check which vessel they are on marine tracking. It is these small things which can be satisfying.

Agree about changing positions in the house. I have changed bedrooms, rearranged furniture often and generally keep the house tidy regardless of how awful I feel. I don't want to be surrounded by chaos so it helps to have control over some things at least and accept the things I don't have control over.

Moving around the house and garden all counts as exercise, we don't have to be running about outside. Movement of any kind is good. 

[[ve...]]

Agoraphobia is easy to develop when not going outside literally every day.

Now Winter is almost gone and I noticed a bit of anxiety when venturing out of the few kilometer wide comfort zone of my dog walks.  There's a pattern to this: Spring comes and the first times I venture out I feel anxious,  mostly with the fear of fear.  Then the fear of fear eventually fades and I just deal with the anxiety attacks as they come.

[[Ma...]]

@[...] Go out again tomorrow. And the next day, than the next. Don’t let this singular experience prevent you from trying again.

The fresh air alone will be beneficial. And the day will come when you enjoy it. And when that day does come I bet you won’t even remember when it didn’t feel good. You’ll be too happy.

Perseverance always wins the race.

[[...]]

10 hours ago, [[M...] said:

@[...] Geh morgen wieder raus. Und am nächsten Tag, dann am nächsten. Lassen Sie sich von dieser einzigartigen Erfahrung nicht davon abhalten, es noch einmal zu versuchen.

Allein die frische Luft wird wohltuend sein. Und der Tag wird kommen, an dem Sie es genießen. Und wenn dieser Tag kommt, werden Sie sich bestimmt nicht einmal daran erinnern, wann es sich nicht gut anfühlte. Du wirst zu glücklich sein.

Ausdauer gewinnt immer das Rennen.

Its morning in Germany and I woke up again so restless and anxious

I don't know if I can do it

[[Ma...]]

It’s been 5 hours since your post…did you do it? Did you get some fresh air?

What works for me is, I don’t ‘think’, I ‘do’.

Just move-even if it’s only 8 steps today.

[[...]]

6 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

Seit Ihrem Beitrag sind 5 Stunden vergangen. Haben Sie es getan? Hast du etwas frische Luft geschnappt?

Was für mich funktioniert, ist, dass ich nicht „denke“, sondern „tue“.

Bewegen Sie sich einfach – auch wenn es heute nur 8 Schritte sind.

No. I got panic the whole day. Vertigo and cramps are bad too. Can't barely leave my room. But thank you

[[Ma...]]

If you can’t leave your room today, then make yourself comfortable. Just tuck in and don’t fret about it.

You know how we listen to our body when making cuts? Listen to your body today as it’s telling you to rest.

So rest and rest your mind as well.

[[...]]

Just now, [[M...] said:

Wenn Sie Ihr Zimmer heute nicht verlassen können, dann machen Sie es sich bequem. Machen Sie es einfach und machen Sie sich keine Sorgen.

Wissen Sie, wie wir bei Schnitten auf unseren Körper hören? Hören Sie heute auf Ihren Körper, der Ihnen sagt, dass Sie sich ausruhen sollen.

Also ruhen Sie sich aus und entspannen Sie auch Ihren Geist.

I just don't know how to relax. This Panic, the Vertigo.. I hate these symptoms I would love to have more physical pain, I can't handle mental issues.. I got benzos for anxiety but this was NOTHING, what I have now is Terror.

[[Ma...]]

I know. Most of know this feeling and it will pass-even though I doubt that helps right now.

Download Insight Timer and listen to a guided panic attack meditation.

Do progressive muscle relaxation: start with your feet. Squeeze them, hold, release. Then your calves and so on up your body.

Breathe. You must breathe from your diaphragm.

Put on sounds from YouTube of the ocean, of rain…

Visualize putting these catastrophic thoughts into a file folder, 1 by 1, then close that file and visualize walking away.

Tell yourself: I will allow all of these worries to flood me for 10 minutes at 6 p.m. Not until then. Don’t allow them. Float above them.

Hang in there as better days are ahead. Much better!

[[Re...]]

@[...] I can very much relate to your struggles, I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Please be very gentle to yourself. I would also like to encourage you to continue your walks, but sometimes it just feels impossible. Don't beat yourself up! 

If there is anything that helps you to feel just a tiny bit better or might gain your attention, that would be wonderful. Is there a podcast in German you enjoy, maybe Youtube videos you can listen to? I enjoy sudoku or word puzzle games, other might think this is quite silly...

I promise you this gets easier. You have been true a lot recently I know that. Please hang in there! 

 

[[...]]

You are so beautiful people.

I am really graceful for you trying to help.

Can't say much more, just crying now.

In a few weeks I will have my son back from my mum and I don't know how to do it.

That was not the plan.

I was in a clinic and should have been off for weeks now but I left and updosed.

But I tapered too fast so it didn't help for long, two weeks or so.

THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN

This is my life now.

I really have a big problem with dealing with it 

thank you for your kind words ❤️

[[Ma...]]

One thing at a time @[...]. One day at a time.

If you need assistance tapering again, please go to the taper thread. You’ll receive a lot of support and guidance there.

[[...]]

Just now, [[M...] said:

Eins nach dem Anderen@[...]. Einen Tag nach dem anderen.

Wenn Sie beim erneuten Tapering Hilfe benötigen, wenden Sie sich bitte an das Taper-Gewinde. Dort erhalten Sie viel Unterstützung und Anleitung.

I will do that. I will Talk to my doc next week and hope he is willing to let me taper again. He could be scared because I am such a mess right now.

[[Ma...]]

Bring the Ashton manual with you. Do not leave it up to your provider alone.

Breathe, okay? You’re going to be okay!

[[...]]

8 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

Bringen Sie das Ashton-Handbuch mit. Überlassen Sie es nicht allein Ihrem Anbieter.

Atme, okay? Es wird dir wieder gut gehen!

I will. I hope he will be on my side after I screwed it up so badly.

 

How are you ? Are you still tapering?

[[Ma...]]

YOU did not’screw’ anything up. Please stop with the negative dialogue. You did your very best with the information you had at the time.

As @[Re...] said, please be kind to yourself. With yourself. Go gently.
 

I am sure, with the Ashton Manual in hand, your provider will work with you. If he doesn’t than we will cross that bridge at that time.

Stay in the moment. Today is all you need to manage. Tomorrow and the days following will take care of themselves.

Edited March 7 by [Ma...]

[[...]]

I am trying.. I am my own worst enemy 👌I never learned how to treat myself nice.

 

I really hope so.

I wish there would be Diazepam 1mg/ml Like in the Usa. Scared of the pill in milk thing 😕

 

Thank you ❤️

 

 

[[Re...]]

@[...]You did not do anything wrong, please remember this. What happening to you is not your fault. I agree with @[Ma...]about breathing and taking one day at a time. 

I hope your provider is going to cooperate with you. In my opinion, it is good to remember, there is no need to rush anything. Do everything at your own speed, if possible.

I don't know if you want to bring the Ashton manual, I have found German sources. But I think you can find these, too