Devastated and almost completely broken

[[Ta...]]

 

I don’t know what I’m looking for… just feeling very lost and isolated. I guess I just need to open up and share, in the hope it may help me feel some sort of connection to life, and maybe not feel so alone and defeated. 

I lost someone dear to me not long ago (not death), just lost them because I wasn’t able to be myself. After that, I gradually spiralled and fell in a heap, and since, it’s been a downward spiral of external triggers and emotional chaos… (he says as tears begin to stream down his face). 

It’s a long overdue release… maybe this is why I’m writing… to finally release the pressure valve. I didn’t expect the tears to come so soon, if at all. I’ve just been so blocked, I just didn’t think I could cry, no matter how much the pressure increased. 

This emotional storm has had me reeling, and it’s funny (not) how sometimes the blows just keep on coming when you’re already down for the count. 

I had never really experienced the true power emotions can have over our symptom intensity until the last few months as they accumulated, festered, and manifested mentally and physically. It’s been a downward spiral.

I recently became homeless because of alcohol fuelled rages on the part of my housemate. The constant daily fear I experienced living in such an environment pummelled my nervous system along with the emotional turmoil of having lost someone close, and I found myself not only fearful and panicking whenever I heard my front door (his return), but also the anticipation of his return, so the additional fear and panic on top of the chemical fear and panic has really taken its toll on my mind and body. 

This morning I went to a new doctor after my previous doctor had departed the clinic (an all too often occurrence here) only to find that I no longer have access to prescriptions for Valium. I’m down to 2.9mg Valium now, but only have 3 weeks of meds stored away, so I’m now facing a c/t. After all the work I’ve done on my way down from 10mg in the hope of not having to again experience such intense acute withdrawal, I now find myself staring down the barrel of a horrid acute recovery, considering how destabilised and symptomatic I am right now, and not to mention I barely function for days after each 5% reduction and am often bedridden. 
 

I’m not someone who loses their temper often, but I have to admit… when the doctor told me no more prescriptions and the same old spiel about not reading or listening to anecdotal evidence in chat rooms and forums, I savaged her, albeit, without making too much of a scene. But, I was absolutely furious. 

So, I sit in the car here in a mess, unable to cook a meal for myself, and I wonder, where to from here for me? What did I do to deserve this? Is the cruel challenge of benzo withdrawal itself not enough? Where’s the next hit coming from? There’s really not much more left here to take away. 

I know these questions are pointless, there’s no rhyme or reason as to ‘why’

I just don’t know how I survive living in a car, terribly unstable and symptomatic, unable to make a healthy (gut specific diet) meal, and face the day where the meds run out and I have to c/t alone on the side of the road and then try and take care of myself. 

I know there’s nothing to be done, or can be done. It just is what it is… but I guess i just needed to write it out and share. I just feel so completely lost and without hope now that I have to c/t.I guess at the very least, I have 3 weeks to come to terms with what I now have to face.

I just feel the need to say… I do know there are many members here on the forum who have had it much worse than me, and my heart goes out to you all.

Please forgive how poorly I’ve expressed myself here. Can barely put words together I feel so ruined… “ Computer says NO”

 

Love and best wishes to every member on the forum. ❤️

 

 

 

[[Ta...]]

I’m due to cut again, but I’m really frightened of how I will view my predicament from within that reduction withdrawal wave. 

[[Mi...]]

Hi TT

Not sure what to say here but wanted to let you know you have been read and heard 💕. 

I hope someone can jump on with some suggestions about the meds.

Take big care of yourself 

MP

[[Re...]]

Hello @[Ta...].

I just wanted to let you know that I have read your message twice already. They do "arrive".

I am not sure I can do anything more to comfort you but this. My heart goes out to you. 

I will continue to read all your posts. 

Take good care! 

 

[[Ta...]]

Thank you @[Mi...] @[Re...]

Sometimes it’s difficult to know what you are looking for with a post such as this… as I know there are no ‘outs’ as far as advice is concerned. I know I can keep searching (in my fragile and fatigued state) for a doctor willing to prescribe, maybe get lucky, maybe not. Honestly, I think I’m just so worn out and feeling completely disconnected and uncared for, so I wrote that post to try and connect, to feel i’m cared for, which is something I haven’t seen or felt a great deal of lately. 

The moment I wrote “to feel I’m cared for” tears immediately streamed down my face again…  so it must be true.

Thank you both for providing that feeling. ❤️

 

[[Ma...]]

Go to an ER, say you are experiencing tachycardia, bring the Ashton manual, explain you absolutely need to taper, that you are afraid you will have a seizure, need a refill (lie about how many you have left), need a provider to assist and ask for referrals.

Read everything you can such as Colorado Consortium, Benzo Information Coalition, Benzo Alliance for Best Practices so you can sound, and will be, educated about deprescribing.

On both Mad in America and Benzo Information Coalition there are lists of providers.

Do you have friends you can couch surf with? Family? Can you afford a motel room for a brief period? And if you can manage-or even if it’s incredibly difficult as many are forced to work going through this-you have a car. Work for Uber Eats and the such delivering food. Or as a personal shopper for grocery delivery. Even if you have to live in your car, go to a gym, the YWCA to shower and use your car make some money. You have to begin with where you are and use what you have.

You’re in a terrible situation and I am incredibly so sorry but this is where you are, so let’s use what you have as a starting point.

At the ER also ask to speak with a Social Worker. Tell them your predicament and see what resources are available to you.

Lastly, you need to pull yourself together. Anger and lashing out in the immediate future to providers et al is not going to serve you. It just won’t be helpful.

So. Take a deep breath, go to the Y or even slip into a bathroom in a fast food restaurant to use the sink to wash up some-throw some cold water on your face! Take a breath, focus on exactly what you need at the moment. And move. Implement.

Get moving and please report back on what you accomplished as I am sure with perseverance, focus and tenacity you can move mountains even if you can’t see that right now.

Edited March 5 by [Ma...]

[[ji...]]

@[Ta...] in so sorry for the situation you are in right now. @[Ma...] has given great advise.  i would also go to the er with the ashton manual and explain your situation.  i'll pray that you find yourself in a more calm environment then you were living.   continued prayer of health & healing.  ~~~jill

[[Ta...]]

Thank you for the tips @[Ma...]

Unfortunately one of my own worst symptoms is chronic fatigue. I’m bedridden one week out of two between cuts. Unable to work. 

Will check the hospital once I can pick myself up. 👍

[[Ma...]]

Someone will respond with how to better taper.

I’m not 1 to advise on this, per se, but from what I understand you need to find a dose to stabilize on. Updose to do that? Once you stabilize then you can reconsider your cuts. Maybe cut after 4 weeks at a much smaller cut.

Hang in there. This isn’t the end for you even if it feels like it. 
 

Reset. Relax. Remember better days are ahead.

You can do this and we’ll be supporting you the whole way!

[[or...]]

6 hours ago, [[T...] said:

I don’t know what I’m looking for… just feeling very lost and isolated. I guess I just need to open up and share, in the hope it may help me feel some sort of connection to life, and maybe not feel so alone and defeated. 

I lost someone dear to me not long ago (not death), just lost them because I wasn’t able to be myself. After that, I gradually spiralled and fell in a heap, and since, it’s been a downward spiral of external triggers and emotional chaos… (he says as tears begin to stream down his face). 

It’s a long overdue release… maybe this is why I’m writing… to finally release the pressure valve. I didn’t expect the tears to come so soon, if at all. I’ve just been so blocked, I just didn’t think I could cry, no matter how much the pressure increased. 

This emotional storm has had me reeling, and it’s funny (not) how sometimes the blows just keep on coming when you’re already down for the count. 

I had never really experienced the true power emotions can have over our symptom intensity until the last few months as they accumulated, festered, and manifested mentally and physically. It’s been a downward spiral.

I recently became homeless because of alcohol fuelled rages on the part of my housemate. The constant daily fear I experienced living in such an environment pummelled my nervous system along with the emotional turmoil of having lost someone close, and I found myself not only fearful and panicking whenever I heard my front door (his return), but also the anticipation of his return, so the additional fear and panic on top of the chemical fear and panic has really taken its toll on my mind and body. 

This morning I went to a new doctor after my previous doctor had departed the clinic (an all too often occurrence here) only to find that I no longer have access to prescriptions for Valium. I’m down to 2.9mg Valium now, but only have 3 weeks of meds stored away, so I’m now facing a c/t. After all the work I’ve done on my way down from 10mg in the hope of not having to again experience such intense acute withdrawal, I now find myself staring down the barrel of a horrid acute recovery, considering how destabilised and symptomatic I am right now, and not to mention I barely function for days after each 5% reduction and am often bedridden. 
 

I’m not someone who loses their temper often, but I have to admit… when the doctor told me no more prescriptions and the same old spiel about not reading or listening to anecdotal evidence in chat rooms and forums, I savaged her, albeit, without making too much of a scene. But, I was absolutely furious. 

So, I sit in the car here in a mess, unable to cook a meal for myself, and I wonder, where to from here for me? What did I do to deserve this? Is the cruel challenge of benzo withdrawal itself not enough? Where’s the next hit coming from? There’s really not much more left here to take away. 

I know these questions are pointless, there’s no rhyme or reason as to ‘why’

I just don’t know how I survive living in a car, terribly unstable and symptomatic, unable to make a healthy (gut specific diet) meal, and face the day where the meds run out and I have to c/t alone on the side of the road and then try and take care of myself. 

I know there’s nothing to be done, or can be done. It just is what it is… but I guess i just needed to write it out and share. I just feel so completely lost and without hope now that I have to c/t.I guess at the very least, I have 3 weeks to come to terms with what I now have to face.

I just feel the need to say… I do know there are many members here on the forum who have had it much worse than me, and my heart goes out to you all.

Please forgive how poorly I’ve expressed myself here. Can barely put words together I feel so ruined… “ Computer says NO”

Love and best wishes to every member on the forum. ❤️

One thing is, I know about dealing with violence while I was just in Tolerance wd from 35 years of Clonazepam, horrific experience on one CT, and another later that was on doctor's tapering me on .25 a month.

First thing that came to my mind is taper less than 5% to start with.  You have 3 weeks of tablets left, the less you taper, the longer they will last you.  Are you just breaking them, or do you have at least a cutter or razor-blade and scale?  Tapering a smaller amount may help, probably will, help with your symptoms as well.

I only taper 1% now, and am doing way better than the higher percentages.

I've also lived out of my truck but that was before I started tapering.  I did have a shelter to live in luckily, and I did "not" tell them about my prescription.  Some places want to take your meds and that's absolutely unacceptable for me.  I will control my taper, no one else has the right to do that with a benzo especially.  Yes we have to rely on doctors for our scripts, I understand all that.

I camped out for 2 weeks after that shelter as I had an income from my SS at age 62, and they wouldn't let me stay longer.  So anyway, I found another shelter about 300 miles down the road.

Anyway, main thing I wanted to say was slow your taper, if you need help finding a scale etc. let me or someone know, and also, finding a shelter, oregonlady You can see my History of Taper here if interested: https://benzobuddies.org/profile/243292-[or...]/?tab=field_core_pfield_34

Edited March 5 by [or...]

[[or...]]

6 hours ago, [[T...] said:

I’m due to cut again, but I’m really frightened of how I will view my predicament from within that reduction withdrawal wave. 

Don't cut until you feel much better, I have tapered and held til stable, that's what I learned here.  I also learned to do a taper according to my wd sxs, which has turned out to be very small, only 1% about every 9 days, and I cut nothing "regimented" or strict schedule,  as I listen only to my own body and am I stable enough to function.  Hold the dose you're on now as long as it takes, you'll be saving pills for one thing, until you can find another doctor/NP, oregonlady

 

Edited March 5 by [or...]

[[Ta...]]

I feel guilty putting you all out… @[Ma...] @[ji...] @[or...]

I was really just needing to release some emotion and didn’t realise everyone would go out of their way to provide advice, which is great, it really is. It’s clearly how the forum is meant to work. I just didn’t think through what would happen if I posted about my own struggles under a new account name. 

Unfortunately I felt worn down and broken in my previous incarnation, unable to be my old self helping others. The balance gradually shifted from someone mostly focussed on the needs of others, to realising that I really needed to start taking care of my own. To do just that, I decided to delete my account without the intention of returning for quite a while, but unfortunately I was reading @[ji...]’s post as a ‘guest’ last night and my intuition was strong around what she was trying to express. I realised I couldn’t post as a guest and my old instinct to want to help kicked in and compelled me to sign up just to reply to jillibeans post. 

I just didn’t forsee my own crash this morning, or the intensity of its impact. I thought I would just help out here and there without really posting about my own struggles, but I crashed, which is something some of you familiar with me wouldn’t be used to seeing in my previous incarnation as Winters sun. I knew I would eventually want a fresh start when ready, but didn’t realise my posting would put so many out. I just felt I needed to be human… let it all out openly, and it really did help. I had the emotional release I needed. 

I really do apologise for unintentionally drawing everyone into providing advice surrounding what to do next. I really just needed to vent and release the emotion. 

I really do appreciate the advice, so much of it aligning with what I would normally suggest myself if I were in your position. 

Although, I hadn’t considered cutting smaller to buy time @[or...]. Good tip! 

Again, I never really intended to hide myself behind another member name, only take some pressure off myself. I actually figured my poor writing would give me away very quickly. 

I just felt I should be honest, as I felt guilty having you all go out of your way to provide options for someone you all would clearly have thought was a new member.

Again… I didn’t think it through.

Thank you all so much for reaching out with really great suggestions. ❤️

 

[[ji...]]

@[Ta...] life is hard enough even without going through benzo withdrawl.   and i am so grateful as well for the people in this community. by helping each other we  also help ourselves. praying and rooting for you to  get to the next step of your journey soon.   and thank you for the help you've given me ~~jill

[[or...]]

helping others, as you know, does not put me out, I'll just say for myself, and probably others feel the same.  Every time I do my best to help someone else, I help myself a lot.

Please don't worry about this, and just carry on and know we are with you, even for me, if I disappear for awhile, I'm always drawn back for one reason or another.  I think you sharing helped me a lot, your first post here.  I've been in such similar circumstances but had never let that out here on BB, about being homeless at one time about 9 years ago, dealing with a violent sister I was staying with, and one time with a horrible person at a shelter as well.

My heart went out to you, and it's good to know I still have one oregonlady

[[Ta...]]

I think one of the most difficult things to navigate through this process, is getting your head around how when you’re in the eye of the storm… it actually feels eternal, and that’s how I felt this morning. I just couldn’t see through that storm… it felt eternal and hopeless, and I just needed to do something to try and let go… which is why I posted. I was a mess. ❤️

[[Bu...]]

I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles @[Ta...] it’s just all so damn unfair. But life isn’t fair and some of get dealt this shitty hand. You’ve gotta just get through the moments and then those moments become weeks and months. I wish I had more to offer you like a warm bed and a cup of tea. If you wanna PM me I’m happy to use what brain power I have to see if we can find you a benzo wise doctor? That might take some stress off ❤️ hang in there friend 

[[Ka...]]

@[Ta...] so sorry to read of your situation. We fellow buddies can’t be prescriptive but we can offer ideas, support & words of comfort. Sending kindest wishes to you. 

ps since your absence been thinking about you, wondering in fact from across the 🌎 & of your predicament. Keep posting. 

Edited March 5 by [Ka...]

[[je...]]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It seems like you somehow feel you don’t deserve support but that you should only be there to support others. Please know that you matter too. 
 

I don’t know if you’re only after emotional support or practical advice too but as you probably know I was in a similar situation when my specialist cut me off. I had six weeks of supply. I know how traumatic that is. 
 

I understand you are worn down, burnt out and struggling to function but future you is depending on present you. There are doctors who will prescribe but you’re going to have to go from practice to practice unfortunately. I was lucky the second doctor I asked, agreed. Did you consent to MyHealth? If so, your medical history will be accessible to the new GP. You can refer them to it and show them you are serious about getting off and the progress you’ve made. You can emphasise at what a low dose you are now. 
 

Ideally you want to try out bulkbilling doctors first. Your local FB community page can be really good for support. You can ask them for recommendations for doctors that listen to patients and who they have good experiences with. You can also ask them about accommodation. I know it’s probably not the best avenue and you still need to be careful but I’ve seen some really good outcomes in our community for homeless people. With the current housing crisis people are very open and understanding as to what is happening in the country. 
 

Maybe this is not what you were after but I thought I’ll just give some practical advice as well. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be trying to manage all these issues simultaneously, but we are here for you. 

[[Ta...]]

I wish I could reply to you all in some depth, but right now, even the keyboard seems too much for me. 

Please know I really appreciate all the support ❤️

[[Ta...]]

I will find a way to lift myself up ❤️