I am a lost cause

[[Bu...]]

Hello,

All of this started for me in late 2018. I took 22 pills of Ativan (0.25mg) and then had a horrific CT. I was then put on Zopiclone for a month and had No clue what was happening to me. I didn’t even know what a benzo was.

I was then put on 5mg of Valium in 2019 and slow tapered that until 2020. I stayed on a low dose of 0.25mg of Valium as I was SO scared of my CT. I had my Covid vaccine and it all came back. I went back up to 15mg of Valium in Dec of 2021. I tapered again and got to 1.5 mg in Nov of 2023. I then made a mistake with dosing and went into acute WD. I held and held but then went back to 4mg because the symptoms were so severe (akathasia, terror etc) 

So here I am back at 4mg - I feel horrific. I have to work and take care of kids so now I’m taking gabapentin too. I don’t know how to proceed. I feel so so bad and scared. I just want to feel like myself SO badly. I feel like I’ve made SO many mistakes and all my hope is GONE. I’m sorry for dumping this all here but I am just so so distraught and cannot imagine I can ever get better from this. 

Edited March 4 by [Bu...]

[[Bu...]]

Anyone? 

[[Ma...]]

You are not a lost cause! You just are not.

Mistakes? Who has helped you? Who has guided you through all of this that was qualified to do so?We all do the very best we can with the information we have at any given moment so, no, you have not made any mistakes.

 I’m not experienced to assist but I know someone here will respond and offer experience, aid, thoughts.

In the meantime, breathe. Calm yourself. Collectively a plan will emerge!

Edited March 4 by [Ma...]

[[Pa...]]

@[Bu...]I can see intrusive thoughts are beating you up, but like @[Ma...] said, you've done everything you thought you should do but you weren't given the right information to make the best decisions, or someone else was making decisions for you based on incorrect information, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT and I wish these thoughts would leave you alone. 

What are you feeling on 4 mgs of Valium and how do you feel about going up in dose just enough to pull you out of this rough spot?  Do you have a doctor who would support going up in dose? 

 

[[Ta...]]

I really feel for you, Bunnie. So very sorry for all you have gone thru. I was on Ativan for years after the death of my husband. I thought that the symptoms from trying to get off of it were unbearable, so went on to valium. To me, there's nothing worse in the universe than valium! Going back onto Ativan was extremely difficult, but I wish that I had just "knuckled- under" and gotten off Ativan directly. I'm down to .375 mg after many pitfalls, and holding for months now. I finally feel ready to taper down. I don't regret going back on lorazepam. It was the only way that I could stay sane. As for gabapentin, if it is helping you and you can tolerate it, then that's probably a good thing. I cannot tolerate even a tiny bit of it. If you did transition back to Ativan, it can take a while to stabilize. Once valium was finally out of my system (which took about 3 months for me,) I felt like I'f been given a new lease on life!

Wishing you all the best of everything!

 

[[Bu...]]

@[Ma...] thank you I appreciate the kind words. I’ve been trying to do this on my own with internet information. It’s just a mess and I am feeling so down. 
 

@[Pa...] I don’t think I’m willing to go any higher on the Valium. Updosing has not worked and I think I’m in tolerance WD. I think I just have to taper from here 🥴

@[Ta...] I’ve been on Valium now for 5 years so I don’t think going back would help. I hope things ease for you ❤️

[[Ta...]]

Thinking of you Bunnie, and praying for healing and calm.

[[Pa...]]

This is good news @[Bu...], you know what you want and need to do, that is so much better than indecision which we all know is very stressful.

Can we talk about your challenges while tapering, maybe come up with some ideas to keep your life intact while you work at becoming benzo free? 

You mention children, can we talk about this, do you have help with them?  And what about work, have you been able to work through the worst of your symptoms?

 

[[Bu...]]

@[Pa...] thank you for the kindness, I needed it badly. I have loads of help so that a plus. I have good support and am trying everyday. I had to take 2 months off work during Jan and Feb as I could not stop crying and was pacing with akathasia. I was also in complete terror and felt like I was very doomed and filled with despair. I could not sleep or eat. I am sleeping again and eating a little and am able to work. I am deeply depressed over my situation and have horrific DP/DR. 
 

I would like to taper the Valium but I am terrified of going back into what I just came kind out of out of. Maybe I will have to do it very very slowly 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

I'm so relieved to hear you have help and good support, but I understand that even with that, this is a terribly frightening situation, that darn fear had a grip on me too.  Its crazy how this process attacks us from every direction, its emotional, physical and mental torture that no one who hasn't gone through it can understand.

I'm grateful you were able to take time off from work, are you in jeopardy of losing it if you take more time off?  I didn't taper but working through my cold turkey turned out to be a blessing, it was difficult but the distraction it provided was a lifesaver, have you felt this way about your job?  I hope you don't mind talking about this, I'm just hoping we can get you to a place where you don't feel so hopeless.

What about the kids, it sounds like you have help so what is causing you the most distress?  I'm wondering if its intrusive thoughts telling you how worthless you are and what a bad parent you are?  I didn't have kids at home when I was going through this but the guilt I felt about my animals and not being able to properly care for them beat me up on a daily basis.  If this is what you're feeling then we need to work on some positive self talk because the lies the drug is telling you are not true.

And speaking of self talk, that fear needs to be put in its place.  I had this mantra I'd actually say out loud,  I'd say this isn't real, its not me and this won't be me when I recover.  

The only way out of this mess is through it so I'm glad you know what you want to do, the Valium needs to go and doing it slowly is the only way we know to keep us functioning so when you're ready, lets talk about that. 

 

[[Bu...]]

@[Pa...] I think I just feel so guilty and horrific that I have gotten into this situation. I know it’s not my fault but I got so low and should have jumped, so much could have been avoided. Yes I feel like a horrible mom. I was the best mom, I did everything and now everything is a struggle. I want to get back to myself more than anything in the world but it feels simply out of reach right now, like I’ve ruined it all. 

[[Ma...]]

@[Bu...] Please don’t do that to yourself. I’ve said this to many here and I am going to encourage you too to master your thoughts. To give yourself grace. To be kind to yourself.

You have to accept that this is what you are dealing with now. Just this moment and just this breath, nothing more.

Take it 1 day, 1 minute at a time. You will get there. And when you do you will be operating on such a higher level then you ever did while in these insidious little pills.

Guilt has no place in recovery. Please be kind to yourself ❤️

[[Bu...]]

@[Ma...] thank you for the kind words they are a balm 

[[Pa...]]

1 hour ago, [[B...] said:

@[Pa...] I think I just feel so guilty and horrific that I have gotten into this situation. I know it’s not my fault but I got so low and should have jumped, so much could have been avoided. Yes I feel like a horrible mom. I was the best mom, I did everything and now everything is a struggle. I want to get back to myself more than anything in the world but it feels simply out of reach right now, like I’ve ruined it all. 

You are still the best mom, that hasn't changed, what has is the prism you use to view your world, its been hijacked by the drug.  People get sick and can't do what they normally do but they aren't constantly bombarded with the types of thoughts you're having.  This drumbeat of regret and guilt is overwhelming and a lie and I hate that it leaves us with no confidence in our ability to get through this.

As for regretting jumping, we can't know if things would have been better, you made the only decision you could based on how you felt and what you thought was best, regret is a powerful emotion and one that isn't particularly productive so I hope you can move past it.

 

 

[[Bu...]]

@[Pa...] all of what you’ve said is so so true. I just have to get through these last 4mg and try my best to hang on. Regret is awful, I am going to have to work on that one. It’s a bad rumination for me 

[[or...]]

@[Bu...] starting your taper from 4 mgs . . .slowly and methodically . . . when you decide the time is right, ought to be okay for you. I "hit the wall" with my valium taper after making a bunch of mistakes between 15 mgs and 5 mgs and thought I'd never be able to resume. But after waiting awhile holding, I started a daily liquid microtaper, which really saved my bacon. Any pharmacy ought to have liquid valium . . . just get your doc to prescribe it. Ppl on here will help you with appropriate taper dosages.  You can do this! We make mistakes, we fall down, but we get back on our feet and forge ahead. All the best, Bunnie! 
 

[[Kh...]]

1 hour ago, [[B...] said:

@[Pa...] all of what you’ve said is so so true. I just have to get through these last 4mg and try my best to hang on. Regret is awful, I am going to have to work on that one. It’s a bad rumination for me 

We all do it.  We believe we have ruined everything.  I feel that everyday.  Wish I could stop, try to think of nothing as best I can.  Mindless TV etc…it’s awful I know.  You are not alone.  🙏

[[Kh...]]

I really believe I screwed up big time.  Not sure how this gets better.  One can only hope. 

[[Bu...]]

@[or...] thank you! I take my Valium in liquid already! I just need to figure out how to do the daily thing as I am not too sharp right now! How did you do it? 
 

@[Kh...] thank you for the kind words ❤️

[[Pa...]]

@[Bu...], when you're ready, maybe you could post on the taper forum to get some suggestions on tapering.  I've seen members do safe slow tapers from liquid Valium by diluting it so they can make smaller reductions. 

[[Bu...]]

@[Pa...] thank you ❤️‍🩹