I’m back

[[ea...]]

my screen name is and was eastcoast62. I joined BB in 2012, several months after going CT off a 30 year “love” of my nightly benzos. And I took huge doses. My acute wd was really awful and lasted about 2 weeks but I didn’t feel any better reaching a paws, post acute withdrawal syndrome. I was hallucinating with all five senses plus physically painful symptoms. Perhaps the weirdest symptom was this enormous fear I had-of everything. My own hair terrified me and just about everything I saw. I  will be forever grateful to BB, because once I found it, I began putting the puzzle pieces together. I’m a nurse, an RN, who prides myself for my knowledge. But I had NO idea withdrawal could be that horrific and last so damn long. Well, now I know.

ive told people that I should be the benzo poster girl. I’ll list what benzos did to me:

- affected my work. I wasn’t making good decisions as a nurse but I could not see this

-caused a deep depression. I didn’t know my little pills could do this so as my depression got worse, my doctor would try another SSRI plus up my Klonapin dose 

-affected my friendships and all relationships 

-my over all health began to get worse. Caused symptoms that had me running to specialists. They said I might have MS, CFS, fibromyalgia, Parkinson’s, and other diseases. NONE of them looked at my med list! By then I was on Klonapin 6 msg nightly, 3 SSRI and Ambien. Yikes!

- caused me to start falling -a lot. In the last few months back then, I’d fall every day. My legs would just give out. By then I wasn’t able to work, and I’d started to picture myself as being “ill”. I even considered going into a nursing home.

-There were other indications but I’ll leave it at that. A recipe for disaster, no?

The last fall, I broke my femur and blew apart a knee replacement. The femur was splintered and the surgeon wasn’t sure he could fix it. If not, I’d be an amputee. Well, he fixed it but said that at anytime, it could just disintegrate. I’ve lived with that all these years - I think this occurred in 2007 or 2008. Two months later I fell and broke the hip on that side as well. The pain was unbearable, and oral narcotics didn’t help at all. I ended up with an implanted pain pump and I still have the damn thing although I tapered off the Dilaudid over 2 years.

Benzos cost me so much and I’ve only given you the highlights. You might find my SS, but I thinks it’s been archived. Same with my Blog.

Now, listen to me: my story is very extreme! Do NOT compare yourself to me! Comparing is a sure fire way to get discouraged.

I want you to know that you can, and will get through this process. It’s awful, it’s scary as heck but you can do this. Everyone here has a story to tell and almost everyone here thinks they’re worse than the others. Benzos lie to us, benzos will whisper to you that you’d feel better if you took one. You might, but you would regret giving in to another benzo lie.

Lastly, I want you to know that I’m about 95% healed now. It’s been almost 12 years and each year I’ve felt better and better. I was semi functional at 2 years, able to take care of things and begin to repair relationships and other things. At this point I believe that the last maybe 7 years I’ve been healing from PTSD brought on by benzo wd. Doesn’t matter: I feel almost - almost 100% healed from my whatever it was.

Huge hugs to all of you! You found a place that will help you cope. A place to learn the WHYS - why you feel so awful. And get reassured when you have a down day. Waves and windows, people. Recovering from benzos is not a linear process.

Annie

(AKA eastcoast62)

[[Th...]]

Thanks for sharing your journey, Im glad you were able to heal and put this behind you! 

[[Ta...]]

It really is absolutely amazing that any of us find our way here, isn't it? I remember trying to transition from Ativan to diazepam on my own, and making a 25 percent cut. OMG! My brain DID NOT appreciate that one bit!!! I woke up at 2 am in the most unspeakable terror! I thought my life was over! That's when I found Benzo Buddies. The fact that people were so honest and open about sharing and explaining their stories and struggles really helped me. I mean, some stories were unbelievably horrific! But that made me feel like "if this person survived this, then maybe I could, too." And I just keep going.

[[ea...]]

Getting off benzos and ssris was the best thing that could’ve happened. I have NO doubt that if I hadn’t been forced to get off them, I’d be long dead. Picture this: I was 62 then. I weighed 85 lbs. I was a frequent flier in our ER, due to all those falls and fractures. I was seriously considering going into a nursing home, as I wasn’t taking care of myself. Good heavens, I should be the Poster Girl for benzos!!!

I was lucky I had a roommate then. She called 911 twice for me. I was refusing to go. If she hadn’t been there I would have died. Didn’t have a cell phone then and the pain of a fractured femur is notably awful. So thank you, Sistuh Sue!!! My guardian angel.

Well here I am now. Reasonably healthy at 74. Almost totally healed from it all, even the ptsd I had once I got past paws. But here’s the not great thing. The femur and knee I fractured so badly due to my benzos is ALWAYS a reminder of it all. That leg is mover 2.5 inches shorter, I wear lifts but still have a limp. I had an X-ray done recently and unfortunately, the large titanium rod that is my femur…….has moved. To the outside. One ortho doc has already told me he didn’t think he could repair it. Talk about bad news. I’m planning on seeing another one and a physiatrist. Perhaps he/she could advise me on ways to prolong the life of that leg. Exercises, diet, etc. unfortunately I’m in the middle of an insurance change and my current policy won’t let me see the doctors I want to see.

One thing I’m sure if: surviving a benzo disaster proved that I’m stronger than I think. And for those who remember me from years ago, YES I still fake it and I’ve done that so long my brain now automatically clicks into true optimism. This method got me thru an unbelievable wd, and what I predicted was true. Faking it does work.

Love to all of you, fellow warriers

Annie (aka eastcoast62

[[Gi...]]

On 09/05/2024 at 23:17, [[e...] said:

Getting off benzos and ssris was the best thing that could’ve happened. I have NO doubt that if I hadn’t been forced to get off them, I’d be long dead. Picture this: I was 62 then. I weighed 85 lbs. I was a frequent flier in our ER, due to all those falls and fractures. I was seriously considering going into a nursing home, as I wasn’t taking care of myself. Good heavens, I should be the Poster Girl for benzos!!!

I was lucky I had a roommate then. She called 911 twice for me. I was refusing to go. If she hadn’t been there I would have died. Didn’t have a cell phone then and the pain of a fractured femur is notably awful. So thank you, Sistuh Sue!!! My guardian angel.

Well here I am now. Reasonably healthy at 74. Almost totally healed from it all, even the ptsd I had once I got past paws. But here’s the not great thing. The femur and knee I fractured so badly due to my benzos is ALWAYS a reminder of it all. That leg is mover 2.5 inches shorter, I wear lifts but still have a limp. I had an X-ray done recently and unfortunately, the large titanium rod that is my femur…….has moved. To the outside. One ortho doc has already told me he didn’t think he could repair it. Talk about bad news. I’m planning on seeing another one and a physiatrist. Perhaps he/she could advise me on ways to prolong the life of that leg. Exercises, diet, etc. unfortunately I’m in the middle of an insurance change and my current policy won’t let me see the doctors I want to see.

One thing I’m sure if: surviving a benzo disaster proved that I’m stronger than I think. And for those who remember me from years ago, YES I still fake it and I’ve done that so long my brain now automatically clicks into true optimism. This method got me thru an unbelievable wd, and what I predicted was true. Faking it does work.

Love to all of you, fellow warriers

Annie (aka eastcoast62

Hi Annie,

Sorry to hear about your femur and knee fracture and hope and best wishes for a speedy recovery. I also admire your fortitude and tenacity 😊.

I’m currently having issues with my abdomen, back and ribs due to muscle spasms and pulling. 
 

MY I ask if you experienced these muscle issues during your recovery and if yes how long did it take for them to resolve?

Thank you for any hope ❤️🙏

[[ni...]]

Annie is 100% correct.  I'm 9 years off and 95% healed also. 

Everything she said is true.  You'll heal!

[[Ma...]]

@[ea...] Dear Annie, you don’t know me, but I want you to know that you were one of the first buddies I started to read and follow when I landed on this site, 4 years ago.
Your story was freaking me out, but at the same time it was very inspiring! You are so strong that it gave  me a lot of hope. I said to myself, “maybe I could try, at least try to be half as courageous as her”. 
I know you endured a lot more than a lot of people here. And you came back on the other side as a big winner. Your light is shining and we can feel it. I hope to be like you in a few years!

If I may ask a question, after stopping the benzo, did you wait a lot of time before stopping SSRI altogether? I am nearing the end of my taper of Valium (after a Valium swap from Ativan) and I would like to know how much time I have to wait before starting my antidepressant withdrawal. 

Thank you so much for sharing your story!

Take care of yourself!💜
 

[[Ba...]]

On 03/03/2024 at 18:07, [[e...] said:

my screen name is and was eastcoast62. I joined BB in 2012, several months after going CT off a 30 year “love” of my nightly benzos. And I took huge doses. My acute wd was really awful and lasted about 2 weeks but I didn’t feel any better reaching a paws, post acute withdrawal syndrome. I was hallucinating with all five senses plus physically painful symptoms. Perhaps the weirdest symptom was this enormous fear I had-of everything. My own hair terrified me and just about everything I saw. I  will be forever grateful to BB, because once I found it, I began putting the puzzle pieces together. I’m a nurse, an RN, who prides myself for my knowledge. But I had NO idea withdrawal could be that horrific and last so damn long. Well, now I know.

ive told people that I should be the benzo poster girl. I’ll list what benzos did to me:

- affected my work. I wasn’t making good decisions as a nurse but I could not see this

-caused a deep depression. I didn’t know my little pills could do this so as my depression got worse, my doctor would try another SSRI plus up my Klonapin dose 

-affected my friendships and all relationships 

-my over all health began to get worse. Caused symptoms that had me running to specialists. They said I might have MS, CFS, fibromyalgia, Parkinson’s, and other diseases. NONE of them looked at my med list! By then I was on Klonapin 6 msg nightly, 3 SSRI and Ambien. Yikes!

- caused me to start falling -a lot. In the last few months back then, I’d fall every day. My legs would just give out. By then I wasn’t able to work, and I’d started to picture myself as being “ill”. I even considered going into a nursing home.

-There were other indications but I’ll leave it at that. A recipe for disaster, no?

The last fall, I broke my femur and blew apart a knee replacement. The femur was splintered and the surgeon wasn’t sure he could fix it. If not, I’d be an amputee. Well, he fixed it but said that at anytime, it could just disintegrate. I’ve lived with that all these years - I think this occurred in 2007 or 2008. Two months later I fell and broke the hip on that side as well. The pain was unbearable, and oral narcotics didn’t help at all. I ended up with an implanted pain pump and I still have the damn thing although I tapered off the Dilaudid over 2 years.

Benzos cost me so much and I’ve only given you the highlights. You might find my SS, but I thinks it’s been archived. Same with my Blog.

Now, listen to me: my story is very extreme! Do NOT compare yourself to me! Comparing is a sure fire way to get discouraged.

I want you to know that you can, and will get through this process. It’s awful, it’s scary as heck but you can do this. Everyone here has a story to tell and almost everyone here thinks they’re worse than the others. Benzos lie to us, benzos will whisper to you that you’d feel better if you took one. You might, but you would regret giving in to another benzo lie.

Lastly, I want you to know that I’m about 95% healed now. It’s been almost 12 years and each year I’ve felt better and better. I was semi functional at 2 years, able to take care of things and begin to repair relationships and other things. At this point I believe that the last maybe 7 years I’ve been healing from PTSD brought on by benzo wd. Doesn’t matter: I feel almost - almost 100% healed from my whatever it was.

Huge hugs to all of you! You found a place that will help you cope. A place to learn the WHYS - why you feel so awful. And get reassured when you have a down day. Waves and windows, people. Recovering from benzos is not a linear process.

Annie

(AKA eastcoast62)

Hi there Annie, Your story is one that I will reflect on when I feel like I’m not making progress. It’s been about 30 months that I’ve been free from benzodiazepines. Did you have the internal tremor? If so how long did it take to go completely away? Nursing is what got me into this situation.

[[da...]]

On 04/03/2024 at 01:07, [[e...] said:

my screen name is and was eastcoast62. I joined BB in 2012, several months after going CT off a 30 year “love” of my nightly benzos. And I took huge doses. My acute wd was really awful and lasted about 2 weeks but I didn’t feel any better reaching a paws, post acute withdrawal syndrome. I was hallucinating with all five senses plus physically painful symptoms. Perhaps the weirdest symptom was this enormous fear I had-of everything. My own hair terrified me and just about everything I saw. I  will be forever grateful to BB, because once I found it, I began putting the puzzle pieces together. I’m a nurse, an RN, who prides myself for my knowledge. But I had NO idea withdrawal could be that horrific and last so damn long. Well, now I know.

ive told people that I should be the benzo poster girl. I’ll list what benzos did to me:

- affected my work. I wasn’t making good decisions as a nurse but I could not see this

-caused a deep depression. I didn’t know my little pills could do this so as my depression got worse, my doctor would try another SSRI plus up my Klonapin dose 

-affected my friendships and all relationships 

-my over all health began to get worse. Caused symptoms that had me running to specialists. They said I might have MS, CFS, fibromyalgia, Parkinson’s, and other diseases. NONE of them looked at my med list! By then I was on Klonapin 6 msg nightly, 3 SSRI and Ambien. Yikes!

- caused me to start falling -a lot. In the last few months back then, I’d fall every day. My legs would just give out. By then I wasn’t able to work, and I’d started to picture myself as being “ill”. I even considered going into a nursing home.

-There were other indications but I’ll leave it at that. A recipe for disaster, no?

The last fall, I broke my femur and blew apart a knee replacement. The femur was splintered and the surgeon wasn’t sure he could fix it. If not, I’d be an amputee. Well, he fixed it but said that at anytime, it could just disintegrate. I’ve lived with that all these years - I think this occurred in 2007 or 2008. Two months later I fell and broke the hip on that side as well. The pain was unbearable, and oral narcotics didn’t help at all. I ended up with an implanted pain pump and I still have the damn thing although I tapered off the Dilaudid over 2 years.

Benzos cost me so much and I’ve only given you the highlights. You might find my SS, but I thinks it’s been archived. Same with my Blog.

Now, listen to me: my story is very extreme! Do NOT compare yourself to me! Comparing is a sure fire way to get discouraged.

I want you to know that you can, and will get through this process. It’s awful, it’s scary as heck but you can do this. Everyone here has a story to tell and almost everyone here thinks they’re worse than the others. Benzos lie to us, benzos will whisper to you that you’d feel better if you took one. You might, but you would regret giving in to another benzo lie.

Lastly, I want you to know that I’m about 95% healed now. It’s been almost 12 years and each year I’ve felt better and better. I was semi functional at 2 years, able to take care of things and begin to repair relationships and other things. At this point I believe that the last maybe 7 years I’ve been healing from PTSD brought on by benzo wd. Doesn’t matter: I feel almost - almost 100% healed from my whatever it was.

Huge hugs to all of you! You found a place that will help you cope. A place to learn the WHYS - why you feel so awful. And get reassured when you have a down day. Waves and windows, people. Recovering from benzos is not a linear process.

Annie

(AKA eastcoast62)

Boy do i remember you from 2013 we used to chat a lot. Im so glad you came back to share some hope . We were soooo messed up by benzos. And i must agree, the most important thing for me that i can take from this post is the fact that withdrawal causes PTSD. 
 

I honestly believe im dealing with trauma right now. Even on good days having a window i can get a thought of how horrible life has been with these symptoms and that would just send me right back into feeling horrible. I do this to myself. And i feel ptsd isnt discussed enough here on this site. 
 

thanks for coming back eastcoast. This is very uplifting