I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough

[[Li...]]

 

The lack of understanding from the people in my life and the  hostility I get from not "snapping out of it" just makes me feel worse. My wife is putting tremendous pressure on me and she doesn’t see how counterproductive it is. I’ve made strides in my recovery but it’s never enough. I’m back to working in my high stress profession and doing my best but again it’s not enough. I do all the cooking, cleaning, yard work and repairs around the house and it’s never enough. I’m told that I have to “snap out” of this and give her more than I have to give and it’s to the point that I’m lying to myself and thinking something I’ve done or doing is the problem.  I had one of the worse weeks l've had in a while this past week and I realized that I'm trying to "snap out" of an injury. I started thinking about how ludicrous that thought or demand is. I can’t “snap out” of this injury anymore than I can “snap out” of a broken leg. I'm officially now quitting apologizing for not getting better soon enough. I'm realizing that living with these toxic relationships is actually a daily setback and not a step forward. I do give her grace and realize she’s doing the best she knows how but I’m going to focus on not being apologetic for this injury. I didn’t ask for this injury doctors prescribed me this injury and I in good faith took my pills. I’m tired of the feelings of guilt and inadequacies in this ordeal. I may not get back to the level of accomplishment that I had before this poison wrecked my life but I’m taking my dignity back. I’m going forward at my pace or otherwise there will be no healing if I allow her to keep guilting me back into despair. If you have a caring, loving, compassionate partner you’re already one step ahead, nothing drags you down worse than feeling alone in the absence of someone there to lift you up and be there for some emotional support. 

 

[[Ma...]]

I think most of us experience this, unfortunately. I can’t even grasp what I am going through and for others it’s almost impossible.

I live alone but my dearest friend (I believe we share DNA at this point…) will also say, Snap Out of IT! And I try. I try so hard, but alas that’s not the answer, is it?

If you go to Jennifer Leigh’s website she has posts on what to tell friends and family members. She’ll also talk to them-maybe that would be helpful?

I give you MAJOR props and kudos for everything that you are doing. Truly impressive. So many of us are fairly nonfunctional.

Going back to work and following through with your responsibilities shows an enormous capacity of strength, determination and willpower.

BTW: You are enough. More than enough.

Today is a new day, spring is upon us and hopefully healing in this new season will be yours! ❤️

Edited March 3 by [Ma...]

[[Re...]]

I salute you for going back to your stressful job and doing so much in the household!
I can't imagine the human discipline and determination one needs to go through these challenges and being there in all areas of life.

I am facing very similar misinterpretations as I am trying to expand my own world - with more or less success. Of course, others don't know what is going on inside our head - my mind being full of all the fear and catastrophic thinking, weird sensations unknown to me just a few months ago.

I myself need to accommodate to the nature of the process, that is, we mostly seem like normal. I can do normal things and it confuses them: Why can't you just go to work then, being as active physically or socially active as before - but it is just impossible...

Needed to add that I am often just flooded with the feeling of inferiority, too and just not feeling good enough. Often feeling so ashamed. When my irritability is added to the mix it maked things even more challenging to handle. 

Of course the details and dynamics of each human relationship are unique and hard to interpret here, but I am certain and I believe as we continue on our journey to recovery we will experience easing of these foreign emotions and struggles in our relationships will continue to be less difficult. 

You seem to be doing very well in the progress, taking part in life as you do. I find your story so motivational and encouraging, and it definitely is something I had to read. 

Keep us updated! 
 

[[PE...]]

It's hard for people with no personal experience with this to fully understand. I have taking a break from all social matters except my mother.

She have seen me upclose the whole time and i can't thank her enough. You seems to be functioning well and that's good!

Easy to say mabey but just try to understand your wife with her not fully grasp the extreme situation you going thru. I mean who can understand without having been thru it.

[[Ta...]]

Maybe as you heal a bit more and leave benzos behind, you'll find the strength to leave other things behind, too. You are worth it...you deserve to be happy and celebrated!

[[Nu...]]

We are sorry to hear of your struggles, @[Li...]. This is such a difficult journey and this group is right... it's almost impossible to imagine it if you haven't lived it. You words are true. Take back your dignity. Know your self-worth. You are worth a lot and I encourage you to never doubt that. It may be beneficial to have someone who has been through this to talk with your spouse. Sometimes an outsider's perspective and observation and letting her know that this isn't YOU -- it's what you're going through -- may help.

Keep your head up. Use your resources. You're not alone, you're supported, and you're valued. Please don't forget these.

[[Bu...]]

@[Li...],

I am so sorry.  But may I say, you impress the heck out of me and I would imagine, everyone here.  And even if you couldn't do all those things, you would still be enough.  Your worth does not lie in the things you do but in the fact that you are you.  You are inherently valuable, full of dignity and worthy of respect.

Blessings

[[ns...]]

Livinlarge, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. 

First let me say that you are awesome!

You're still working, cleaning, cooking, yard work. It sounds like you do it all!

i didn't know there were any others like my husband out there and your wife is blessed to have you!

Having to defend yourself and convince anyone of your injury is at best causing you stress and complicating your healing process.

My suggestion is to have your spouse read some of the posts here, comments etc. She will be educated about benzo withdrawal real quick I think.

Also, find news stories of those who are suffering from benzo injury and withdrawal. 

Otherwise, educate her, if that's possible. 

I've been married 50 yrs now, we've had our struggles, I was 15 he was 20 so it hasn't been easy but it has been worth it. 

We all struggle to find individuality in marriage, but it is when we realize that we are  one flesh that makes a unified happy marriage. 

Idk how long you've been married, the dynamics of your relationship but respect for the one we've chosen to live the rest of our lives with is most important but of course love and understanding, compassion and all the rest are what will ultimately heal a marriage..

I realize I'm getting into personal territory here, but It seems there is much more to this story than your withdrawal. 

If I am out of line I apologize!

 Can the 2 of you sit down and have a conversation about what each of you are feeling?

I think it's a start.

It's imperative for you're wife to have a complete understanding of what your going through and that you have an injury and that it may take awhile for you to heal and

That u will need her help, that you may not be as available for cooking cleaning or possibly be able to work outside you're home. 

Benzo withdrawal for many is at best very difficult and it's so important that you have a support system. 

I pray God will give you strength, patience and understanding and your wife as well.

I sincerely hope the best for you.

There always someone here if you need to talk, need a friend or if your wife could benefit from talking to one of us here to answer any questions she might have about benzo withdrawal, please don't hesitate to ask for assistance.

Stay strong, keep that great attitude 

Blessings 

Ns

 

 

[[Co...]]

I totally understand how you feel. I feel so horrible. I hate myself and I am so angry because I was very very very apprehensive of taking any medications and I cannot even help my boyfriend and his lovely family do anything. I already felt guilty before with cortisone and "minor" symptoms when I was still doing everything that I could for once not compartementalize and I genuinely felt I needed help. My father also pushed me "are your symptoms not gone yet", "your tinnitus is not real", "you are dysfunctional", etc. his attitude is what made an already severe neurological injury way worse and got me into this benzo hell. Just be kind to yourself. You are doing so much. You cannot help how you feel. Focus on the positive and try to not let the comments of your "support system" drag you down.