Coping with the "stress brings increased symptoms" phase

[[Re...]]

 

Buddies, I am struggling today because recovering from this feels like being an alien in a world full of humans. I am still in the "stress brings increased symptoms" part of this process and it is very frustrating and difficult to cope with because everyday things like an ambulance driving by or a dog barking are stressful and painful with such severe sound sensitivity. Inner vibration and tinnitus pick up with the slightest bit of stress.

The world keeps spinning even though we are barely hanging on in psych med withdrawal.

I have been through a parent's cancer scare, dealing with a beloved pet's injury, the stress of a neighbor picking up an unnecessary and ongoing fight with me, and many other life stressors in the past almost eight months since being off of everything. This past week my BFF's dog who I adored passed away and we were both sobbing on the phone together. It is healthy and important that I be there for my friend and mourn the loss of my little four-legged "nephew."

I am used to emotions being simple without physical symptoms like this. The physical symptoms make everything simple seem insurmountable. The regular everyday negotiations of a typical life are really really hard dealing with the intensity of the physical. Then having exercise intolerance and no way to "blow off steam" or "take a break and clear your head." And tinnitus and no way to meditate in silence like I used to. I haven't meditated in almost a year and a half and I used to meditate for forty minutes a day.

I have started leaning into some incomplete projects that I thought about when I was facing the same thoughts someone with a terminal illness would face. When I was laying here many times stuck on Seroquel adverse and physically spiraling, thinking this could be the end, my life passed before my eyes. I thought about what I have and haven't done with my life, I considered what my legacy would be if I was no longer here. I felt the weight of incomplete wants, dreams, desires, and wishes on my soul. I felt sad that I didn't complete certain projects and now I am picking them up again.

I have been working more than I was able to since getting off of everything. Interfacing with different personalities has been challenging in that I do not have the bandwith to handle the ups and downs of communication that I would easily master if I was not still this symptomatic. Even with friends in need it is hard for me to hold for their challenges right now if they call me with their problems because of what's happening in my cuckoo clock body. People have no reference point for this. They can't understand exactly like you all can. And I feel so alone. I now see who true friends are and who they are not and the world feels like a lonelier place because of it. People can be so superficial. And when you have been torn out of the realm of life on the surface and plunged into the depths of suffering like we have it is very difficult to relate or care about superficial things. Anyway, I am rambling now so if you have made it this far, thanks for bearing with me.

One last thing. I feel like once the people who don't know what happened to me find out, it changes their view of me. And while I am somewhat of an open book and an "I don't give a s**t what you think of me person," I am noticing that I feel some shame about going through this, some fault, some embarrassment that I got tossed around like a wet rag doll in the mental health system's washer and dryer. Especially around those in my life who have had a straighter path to success personally and professionally and did not encounter psych med harm that held them back. I really feel that these drugs stunted my progress. And I feel like I have A LOT of catching up to do but I don't have the physical ability to be consistent to achieve success. My life has fallen apart due to this injury, I still cannot live independently and I am reliant as an adult on a parent in ways I would prefer not to be. While I am grateful for a roof over my head, I want my independence back.

Life is still in park, and I would really like to put it in drive and well, who knows how long that will take.

 

[[Ka...]]

7 hours ago, [[R...] said:

 

Buddies, I am struggling today because recovering from this feels like being an alien in a world full of humans

 

Hello @[Re...] feel same & can really relate to a lot of your narrative too. 

If we have arrived at this point through circumstances, injury or whatever reason we needed & were given benzos etc. & they led to further issues & complications then it is a learning curve & a very difficult one. 
Add into the mix stress/loss, which I relate to as well, then this is a further thing to process. 
What you have written is an entirely normal human response & this recovery journey is bumpy. Wishing you well 

Edited March 3 by [Ka...]

[[Li...]]

The gas lighting, lack of compassion and understanding and basic mental and emotional support from those that matter the most is the hardest thing to accept about this. I’m to the point that I’m done caring what they think, I’ve got to stay the course and practice the stoic principle of the dichotomy of control. That is realizing that some things are in your control and most are not. I can’t change what they think, say, or do but I have control over what I say, think, and do. I had recently slipped from practicing that understanding and got to the point that I was accepting blame for everything that I had no control over and guilty for the effect it had on those around me. And guess what? The emotional stress got to the point that after several months of feeling much better I was dragged into acute symptoms again.
Since I was a young man with blind faith that the doctors knew what the hell they were peddling I relinquished my control over to them and sadly I’ve lost myself in the process. But I’m coming back! It’s a slow arduous journey but with commitment and perseverance I will make it through it and I believe if you stay the course you will too.

[[Re...]]

3 hours ago, [[K...] said:

Hello @[Re...] feel same & can really relate to a lot of your narrative too. 

If we have arrived at this point through circumstances, injury or whatever reason we needed & were given benzos etc. & they led to further issues & complications then it is a learning curve & a very difficult one. 
Add into the mix stress/loss, which I relate to as well, then this is a further thing to process. 
What you have written is an entirely normal human response & this recovery journey is bumpy. Wishing you well 

Bumpy like the worst turbulence -- the kind where there are abrupt changes in airspeed and altitude. We have to keep our seatbelts on. Thanks for your message. I wish you well too!

[[Re...]]

2 hours ago, [[L...] said:

The gas lighting, lack of compassion and understanding and basic mental and emotional support from those that matter the most is the hardest thing to accept about this. I’m to the point that I’m done caring what they think, I’ve got to stay the course and practice the stoic principle of the dichotomy of control. That is realizing that some things are in your control and most are not. I can’t change what they think, say, or do but I have control over what I say, think, and do. I had recently slipped from practicing that understanding and got to the point that I was accepting blame for everything that I had no control over and guilty for the effect it had on those around me. And guess what? The emotional stress got to the point that after several months of feeling much better I was dragged into acute symptoms again.
Since I was a young man with blind faith that the doctors knew what the hell they were peddling I relinquished my control over to them and sadly I’ve lost myself in the process. But I’m coming back! It’s a slow arduous journey but with commitment and perseverance I will make it through it and I believe if you stay the course you will too.

Very well said. I am sorry for your experience, as I am sorry for all of us having to endure this hellscape. You bring up an interesting concept. You have made me think today. Thank you for making me think. Being able to think and ponder is a luxury.