What is stabilization?

[[ca...]]

Hi

i have met with my doctor today, and despite having quite a heated conversation, especially following a documentary that just came out here in Quebec about benzodiazepines my, I am left with an unanswered question I find important for my healing that I believe you guys might have or understand.

my upside was quite intense. But I went CT after a bad interaction with medications (antibiotics), and my nervous system was out of whack. When I say out of whack, I really mean everything was horrible. I had all the bad horrible symptoms in the book, including a good old psychosis. It was unbearable unless I was on propranolol which was allowing me to eat. But I was non functional and could feel zero feelings.
 

i have met with this benzo wise doctor who updosed me a LOT. I mean, I had not slept in weeks. Weeks. More than a month. Wa seeing shadows. Etc. It was BAD. So he put me straight to 40mg of Diazepam in the hope that my nervous system would calm down cause at that point, it was dangerous.

I have stabilized quite a lot I think. No more derealization, I can feel feelings, I eat, I can walk, my digestion has started again, I sleep and can even have naps, I laugh and even my full body akathesia has almost all subsided. That’s all in about 12 days. I don’t feel like my old self, but I am functional. I have a lot of crying spells though and still have suicidal ideations. Which isn’t great, but I went from literally thinking I was gonna die to someone who can enjoy watching a movie and can even take a shower and smile. He doesn’t seem to be in a rush to taper me down. He seems to think it’s gonna be about my symptoms and how I feel. Which I am very grateful for.

Knowing it’s only been about 12 days, when can I consider myself ‘stable’ enough to start making cuts? Again, I am in no rush. I don’t want to go through what I went through during my CT, and I this break is much needed. However, I went from 0.5 Ativan to 40mg Diazepam for it to happen. Which I find insane. But wtv, does it really matter at the end of the day? Not really. I did have a few days where I have stupidly tried to cut off 5mg, and that wasn’t good. I am very decided to stay on 40mg for now. However, when do I start tapering down? Again this is all so new to me. The AM says 1-2 weeks… with how messed up my nervous system was, I think that’d be fast. But I would love good advices.

for more infos, I started taking Ativan 0.5-1mg back in 2018 after losing my brother. Over the years I have taken it on and off (hello kindling) and never had an issue until I mixed flagyl and benzos together.

also, the only thing I am noticing is that my sensitivity to sound and being a little jumpy is starting to come back again after this 12 days on 40mg Diazepam and I still have some twitching.

I have been added some pregabalin to the mix, I know it’s not ideal, but for the anti-anxiety purpose of the thing, it was imo necessary, cause I can’t spend wanting to die every 15 minutes. It is too much.

I hope this message is hopeful to some. I know I am not out of the woods yet, I know my nervous system is extremely sensitize and I have a long journey ahead, but I believe it is good to celebrate small wins and pray for the best.
 

thanks for your support everyone, I know I am not super present on the site, first because I get don’t have much support to give cause I am so new to this, but also because I am trying to enjoy talking walks and envisioning a better future. But I couldn’t be more grateful for this community.

Cate xxx