RANT / Pity party for one, please

[[Re...]]

Hi there, pals. I'm writing just to rant. If self-pity isn't your thing, move along....

I used to be a badass - a super-high-functioning, highly trained, professional classical music conductor. Now I have trouble remembering whether or not I ate breakfast. I have an elaborate system set up to prevent me from taking too much medication or not taking medication at all; despite this system, I managed to double-dose my Klonopin last week. I used to EASILY read a full music orchestral score -- 18 or so lines at once -- and play it at the piano -- then I would lead a full choir and orchestra in concert from said score. Now I'm lucky if I can even follow along just looking at the score whilst listening to a recording. I used to give presentation s and performances for hundreds of people - now I have trouble listening to and comprehending ONE person. I trained intensely for decades to build my skills, and they are not accessible to me. I was a professional singer and voice teacher. Now I watch Bridgerton or Suits or Poldark or Madam Secretary and snuggle with my two little cute but obnoxious dogs all. day. long. My (ex) psychiatrist lied to my face about these drugs, then blew up at me and was abusive when I questioned him. I'm two years into this crisis and facing financial ruin. I will soon declare bankruptcy. My mother, who was my biggest support and cheerleader, passed away in September. By the grace of God, I was able to go and be with her before she died (after not leaving my house in over a year). My situation undoubtedly hastened her death. The only recourse I have would be a malpractice case - I have been searching for an attorney for a year. That's about it. Oh - and I hate everyone lol. *end rant*

Edited February 20 by [Re...]

[[Nu...]]

You have every right to rant. I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a horrible and despicable thing we get forced through. Hope you keep the hope that things will get better...

[[Re...]]

2 hours ago, [[N...] said:

You have every right to rant. I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a horrible and despicable thing we get forced through. Hope you keep the hope that things will get better...

Thank you for your compassion in response to my pity party. 

[[...]]

@[Re...], it's a sad story. I think most of us have something of the kind( I definitely can relate to these things. The seclusion, death of a parent, loosing professional skills, money, watching series instead of living... I was there not long ago. Almost 3 endless years... But i'm getting better, though still can't believe it) And you will!

Don't give up hope. Just keep going. Everything is going to be ok🌤️

[[Ka...]]

5 hours ago, [[R...] said:

Hi there, pals. I'm writing just to rant. If self-pity isn't your thing, move along....

I used to be a badass - a super-high-functioning, highly trained, professional classical music conductor. Now I have trouble remembering whether or not I ate breakfast. I have an elaborate system set up to prevent me from taking too much medication or not taking medication at all; despite this system, I managed to double-dose my Klonopin last week. I used to EASILY read a full music orchestral score -- 18 or so lines at once -- and play it at the piano -- then I would lead a full choir and orchestra in concert from said score. Now I'm lucky if I can even follow along just looking at the score whilst listening to a recording. I used to give presentation s and performances for hundreds of people - now I have trouble listening to and comprehending ONE person. I trained intensely for decades to build my skills, and they are not accessible to me. I was a professional singer and voice teacher. Now I watch Bridgerton or Suits or Poldark or Madam Secretary and snuggle with my two little cute but obnoxious dogs all. day. long. My (ex) psychiatrist lied to my face about these drugs, then blew up at me and was abusive when I questioned him. I'm two years into this crisis and facing financial ruin. I will soon declare bankruptcy. My mother, who was my biggest support and cheerleader, passed away in September. By the grace of God, I was able to go and be with her before she died (after not leaving my house in over a year). My situation undoubtedly hastened her death. The only recourse I have would be a malpractice case - I have been searching for an attorney for a year. That's about it. Oh - and I hate everyone lol. *end rant*

Hello @[Re...] it’s ok to rant & vent. Can really relate. & you’ve every right to feel like this. 
People here get it. We’ve been deeply affected by all this chaos.  @[...] is completely right. Keep hope. 
 

[[Kh...]]

@[Re...]  we feel u.  I lost my mom last year and also a lot of my mojo.  Let’s keep pressing on and maybe we will be back to our badass  selves someday.  🙏🙏

[[WU...]]

"Oh - and I hate everyone lol"

After all you said in your rant, all valid of course, you end with this which shows you still have your sense of humour, bravo !

[[Re...]]

On 20/02/2024 at 13:19, [[W...] said:

"Oh - and I hate everyone lol"

After all you said in your rant, all valid of course, you end with this which shows you still have your sense of humour, bravo !

Yes - if I didn't have my sense of humor I'd be toast. Well, I am already toast, but I'd be crispier toast. 

[[Re...]]

Thank you all for your responses and encouragement - and for making your way through that rant. I don't often descend into pure self-pity, but when I do I go for the gold. 

[[Ti...]]

thank you for your post - even in symptoms dark humor helps. "i hate everyone" lol   you made me laugh today! thank you 

[[Ti...]]

also today is almost over. we will never have to live it again. and we will be one more day further into our healing journey.  Keep going... even if that means you have to post rants or scream. you got this. WE Got this!!!