The worst pain I have ever felt.

[[Ha...]]

Please anyone who has experience with what I am going to try to explain please speak up.

I am 9 months benzo free. Physically I have had the normal pain but the mental pain I am experiencing is unbearable. 

About 15 years ago when I was on benzo's and booze I did something shameful. I was forgiven by the person I did it to because of the shape I was in at the time. I too had forgiven myself and have thought about this act maybe a half dozen times in 15 years.

About 5 month ago my mind found this memory and immediately I could not handle the torment. It seems way different now. It's not just a thought but there is a physical and mental pain that is so intense I cry immediately when I lock in on this thought. I spend every day distracting , waiting for the thought to lock in. Its always there, don't get me wrong. Always playing on the side. Which is pure torture. But when it locks in it is unbearable. The shame I feel makes me feel so horrible. 

Please if anyone can tell me when they started to see any relief I need to hear it. I am not able to work. I am living day by day or hour by hour. This thought has taken over my life. Only recently has it started to get just a slight bit less often and ever so slight bit less intense. 

Thank you in advance.

[[Nu...]]

I definitely struggled with things like this. The looping thoughts, emotions at all ends of the spectrum. It's hard to remember when they started to decrease in intensity. The brain fog makes everything a big blur. If you're making some progress, that progress will continue. Slowly they'll start to fall away. Wish I could remember well enough to say more...

[[Ha...]]

How far out are you now? Overall how are you doing? Are you back functioning? 

[[mb...]]

Intrusive thought and profound emotions are a hallmark if benzo withdrawal.

It is all brain chemistry. Once the glutamate and epinephrine and cortisol calm, our entire situation seems different.

 

Hang in there.