I'm trying but it feels like losing the war...

[[Mb...]]

I don't know how much more I can take of this, I know we are told not to regret our past and things we can't change. But I cant change regretting it anymore, I came to accept that I was thrown into "WD" after ingesting 2 ssri pills back in Dec 2022. There was no chance to do it right there was no warning, I woke up one morning with everything I knew ripped away. From then I had to frantically try to save my own life or at least learn how to in the way that would give me my best chance. Being the tough guy all my life this probably left me doing more damage.

Just hit 14 months (9 months off)... and how far have I come. Well 14 months have past and that feels like about all I can say for progression. I feel eerily close to how I did in acute, but how can this be? People can't be in acute for 14 months, I mean sure I've read it but doesn't seem to be as common. No window's, just waves and tsunamis. Sure I'm off the med, but that leaves you with nothing to blame/lookforward too. When I was tapering, I held the thought of being off and healing so dear to my heart, I believed it fully. But understandably as time melts and I live in acute like state moment after moment I loose hope. Every day that melts away I feel hope melting with it. I swore the "low dose" and somewhat irregular use would leave me a quick heal. Sure not as quick as I'd like but in no world could I of phatomed being acute like this far out. House bound and getting sicker as time passes.

The things I hung onto for survival aren't giving relief anymore and almost are a place of disappointment now. I look around and have buddies and they are showing signs of moving forward, even when on meds still.

You read that you heal on meds and we see this happen, then the next post you read you won't heal until your off and time passes. Sure both might be true, but when you start to really put some time behind you and you don't feel like your seeing what you need then how do you keep the faith. If I'm being honest with myself and you, I can't lie to myself and say see it's happening even if small, your doing it just keep going. It feels like the longer I white knuckle this the longer I'll stay sick. I'm a very stubborn and hardheaded person, which for all my life served me greatly. Now I worry its the worst thing. I've been at 8/20 out of 10 on symptoms for months on end and I stayed the course. I'm so sick with symptoms I'm unable to post for help and this bleeds into me potentially not getting help I need in any shape or forum.

 

I'm proud of myself for going this long in this condition but this cant be the only way. This disabilitated from the in ways, small doses of medication, for this long.

I am at the point of almost believing the doctors when they said you have GAD and who knows what other disorder. Didnt have them before but life works in weird ways. I spoke with someone that never touched a benzo in their life and they sounded just like me, like many of us.

Im not trying to scare anyone from their beliefs on the path forward, I'm just scared myself and felt like I've lost the way a while ago. So becuase I'm so sick I just rinse and repeat the days, watch them melt, for what feels like no reason.

I was hopping by this time, I'd know clearly what the path was. Just like I thought the entire time, just keep going. But now I'm considering adding medication, this should explain how things are going. When I jumped I swore I'd rather be dead then ever touch a med again. I wish that would of been my truth. It doesn't seem like that will be how it goes and I'm terrified to make things worse, I just don't know how much longer I can go in acute or not being stable.

Sorry for the long post, all these things cross my mind and I want to post about them and get help but I can't bring myself too it, until I do and it comes flooding out. Part of it I'm scared to take a step, it's like if you don't ask then it won't be a dead end, you can hold it close like a lifeline.

I should probably make another post to get an answer on this but I'm seriously considering adding pregabalin or gabapentin. I'd prefer propanolol which I've been on for a short duration but I have since learned on my own if you carry an epi pen this could be a death sentence, wish my doctors told me this further embedding my distrust in them. 14 months of how I feel constantly I think it's time to put my strength and pride aside for wanting it to be all benzo withdrawal and prove them wrong. I'm struggling seeing and hearing about so many people doing so much better either at the time off I am or still on medication. Please don't take that the wrong way I am super happy for them, I just feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm doing this to myself now where as before I felt the meds did this to me.

Thanks for reading, I know we are all in the fight. I wish I could be a sign of healing and inspiring to someone by now. For them and for me, until then the path of uncertainty continues...

Edited February 17 by [Mb...]

[[Bu...]]

@[Mb...],

Your post just speaks to me.  I get the regret.  I get the not wanting to try something because if you don't, then at least you can say "well, I still have an option that I haven't tried, I still have hope" or as you said, a lifeline.  I get wrestling with trying to change the ways you've always done things.  It worked so well your whole life and all of a sudden you have to figure out something else? That alone raises its own kind of fear and anger, leaving the familiar and the comfortable.  I think that is one of the hardest, most exhausting parts of this process.  It touches everything in our lives.

For the record, I think it shows great wisdom on your part that you are considering all the possibilities of what might be happening and what might help.  There is great strength of character in someone who is willing to do that.  So whatever you land on, other meds, therapy, life-style changes, whatever, be proud of the fact that you are looking and not giving up.  Also, for the record, reading your post has helped me.  Every time someone puts into words something that I feel deeply, too, it helps me feel less alone.

Blessings

 

[[Mb...]]

Thank you @[Bu...] for responding and sorry its taken me so long to respond as well. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement in regards to where my journey might lead me. I truly want it to be that of determination that leads to healing, but I've tired options like therapy, life-style and much others, which dedication that jn this state I am incredibly proud of myself for. Sometimes though when you see no relief at all from them it doubles down on how truly "broken" we are for the time being. That's where I'm breaking down at the moment, I swore the time being was what I needed to accept, it's just becoming to long. It's an absolute miracle I still have my business, I have not given much of anything to it in 14 months and my staff as taken it on as their own. But as much as that helps, losing it and more worrisome the ability to employ them as well as my home and everything else I can't just continue to ride it out. I've been given so much time and I'm grateful for all what NY support has done but it does get to a point where something must change. Like who am I to not take the risk so I can get back for them.

Anyways I'm rambling again, I'm glad it helped you in any way it could. Thank you again for responding, I really didn't think anyone would.

 

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Mb...],

Sometimes this just sucks.  What risk are you talking about taking for them?

[[mb...]]

Remember it is neither a moral short-coming or a testament to weak character to use support meds. 

No shame in that at all.

You perfectly grasped in writing what goes thru my head often.

Tysm for putting pen to paper.

[[Mb...]]

@[Bu...] taking meds, truly taking the risk of causing further harm to one and for all rule out a mental illness that could of formed. The past few months that have past I've really broke down all events leading up to this, and the panic attacks that become unbearable and untreatable with the benzos I was using were always triggered by the same thing. I took the time to write out a list of life events that were very difficult for me to process and it was clear as day the more the events piled up the more I started taking benzos PRN. Then about a month before I got some news I really struggle to live with and it was a life long change. I'm just second guessing the what ifs. Its hard to deny the rapid onset of this after a medication, but it's there I can't deny it. I know most people could handle it but maybe the benzos played a huge role in me not being able to process it like everyone else.

I did want to say this in both post but kept forgetting but I do believe it's important, I'm not upset I'm not healed. I've been on here and many other places that I've gathered the information and I understand fully that whether it's 9 months or 14 months that's still very early on in the journey, I do not expect that I should be the lucky one to not have to be on par with everyone else. It's just the level that it's at is why I'm feeling at the end of my rope. YouTube, here, Reddit or even the addicton app I used to track the jump date, I keep seeing people saying I'm not healed but I am nowhere where I was in the beginning, and after 14 months since the injury feeling like I'm right where I was this is what is finally starting to bring out the doubt.

I hope it doesn't come across like Im just venting.... But I think I need support in some way or another at this point of the journey.

[[Mb...]]

@[mb...]

I think I'm finally starting to see this. I would never ever feel like anyone that needed the help was weak or doing it wrong, but I swore to myself I will not go that route. Partially from pride, but just as equally from fear. Usually touching a hot stove once is enough for me to learn the lesson needed. I always told myself that meds might not interfere with healing, but truly the "safest" way is med free. There is a 0 chance with something going wrong if you dont allow something to go wrong. I put safest in quotes becuase I feel if the severity of what your going through doesn't ease up, then it might no longer be safe. We've all ready it working for people and we've read the horror story's. I guess the fear comes from the feeling of making a choice that feels like life or death. My heart goes out to everyone in this journey its just so cruel.

Thanks for sending a message makes me feel not so alone.

[[Ma...]]

Have you considered taking a gene test? It can pinpoint exactly what medications your particular system can handle. You could then try a micro dose as a ‘bridge’ to healing to combat symptoms. There’s nothing wrong with looking into that just as there is nothing wrong considering a medication. There’s nothing wrong with trying absolutely any and everything that may assist in your quality of life. Maybe try it for 3-7 days and see where it leads.

Like you, my days-going into month 17-are a hamster wheel within Ground Hog day. The isolation, the beginnings of spring with no summer vacation plans just had heft to the never ending heaviness I endure daily.

Nothing about this is easy, including adding another medication to a damaged system. However, I believe there are medications that may assist in healing ❤️‍🩹. Maybe just try?

[[Bu...]]

@[Mb...]

16 hours ago, [[M...] said:

taking meds, truly taking the risk of causing further harm to one and for all rule out a mental illness that could of formed. The past few months that have past I've really broke down all events leading up to this, and the panic attacks that become unbearable and untreatable with the benzos I was using were always triggered by the same thing. I took the time to write out a list of life events that were very difficult for me to process and it was clear as day the more the events piled up the more I started taking benzos PRN

I think, again, that this is a very wise discernment of your situation.  And just because benzos weren't a good choice, it does not mean that a different class of medication will be harmful.  I know many people who have had success taking other meds or trying other types of therapy.  We all just have to really do some research before we make our decisions.  I didn't know that I should do that before I took clonazepam.  I do know now.  Now I research any med or treatment before I take it/do it and weigh the risks and benefits for myself.  The other thing I learned is that there isn't anything without a potential downside.  I just decide if the risk is worth the possible benefit.

 

16 hours ago, [[M...] said:

I put safest in quotes becuase I feel if the severity of what your going through doesn't ease up, then it might no longer be safe.

I agree with this whole-heartedly.  Whatever the reason that a person was put on a benzo to begin with, be it physical or mental/emotional, that problem is not likely to have spontaneously healed on its own.  I think for most of us there were better options, including other meds., for helping us with our issues.  It's just so frustrating that finding those options now has been complicated by withdrawal, but I believe it's worth it.

16 hours ago, [[M...] said:

There is a 0 chance with something going wrong if you dont allow something to go wrong.

I get this.  I used to think this, too, until I realized that I really have very little control over anything.  All I can do is decide how I will react when life hits me in the side of the head with the proverbial 2x4.  CBT helped me a lot with this one.

 

16 hours ago, [[M...] said:

I know most people could handle it but maybe the benzos played a huge role in me not being able to process it like everyone else.

I don't know what happened to you, but I seriously doubt that you are lacking in your ability to handle life.  Maybe the benzo played a part in it and made it worse, but I would put money that it was also just something really, really hard.   You are here, doing this very hard work of surviving this ordeal.   Experience has taught me that everyone looks like they are handling things until they are hit with the thing that they can't handle.  And everyone has one.  And the thing that is hard for someone else, is often easy for me, and vice-versa.  Some people are just fortunate enough to not encounter their "thing" until they have lived a very long time.

 

Add to the record:  please ask for support, it is certainly why Benzobuddies is here, and IMO, why God put so many people on the planet   Also, you can just vent too, when you want to.  

[[Ju...]]

My opinion is go raw-dog on life and say "screw the pharmaceuticals". I was reading your post and it sounds a lot like I was at the beginning. You don't know who to believe, the doctors could be wrong, there could be a pill that makes you feel better, or you could ruin your own life very easily by taking another. It's not an easy task to decide.

I went through those same feelings at the beginning, and now I'm at almost 5 years and almost healed after not taking anything at all. If I had taken something to temporarily feel better, then I wouldn't be able to say I'm almost healed and not taking anything right now. I would have to worry about getting off another med, another beta blocker, another antidepressant, etcetera. But if you go cold turkey on everything and don't turn back, you're in the free for the rest of your life.

Of course medical professionals will tell you otherwise, because that's their job. This is where you have to determine, do you want to live safely according to medical literature and doctors and government protocol, or do you want to live freely and earn your freedom and go back to living native and free world ways, with organic food and nature? I believe being free and not having any ties to pharmacies is the way to go.

Another way of looking at this, suffer now for freedom later. If you opt in for comfort now, you lose your freedom later. It's not just me with this belief, ask people in their 80s or '90s if they wish they didn't take medications, the majority of them will say I wish. Or ask a lot of the Native americans, a lot of them will tell you the same as the elderly.

Ask anybody that no longer takes medications in a hospital, they're very blessed to not have to go through medication lines and get their vitals every few minutes. Go to jail and ask somebody that no longer needs anything if they're glad they don't take anything, they'll say yes. Think if there's a snow storm or a hurricane or some other disaster going on, do you want to rely on Red Cross and pharmacies and need to worry about getting in your car and driving? Probably not, it's better to worry about food and your own Survival before worrying about synthetic pills.

 

But if you ask somebody addicted to Pharmaceuticals if they wish they could stop, they all point at their doctor recommending them. I feel that pharmaceuticals are an addiction just like anything else, you get used to them, you think you need them, drug pushers will recommend them, they become habits, they become a necessity, and eventually your body rejects it. I'm not allowed to be anti doctor or anti-pharmaceutical on this website, that's just my opinion.

 

[[Pa...]]

Hi @[Mb...], what you've written here took courage and I applaud you for it.  There is nothing wrong with contemplating the use of other medications, we need to feel like we have some power to help ourselves, humans aren't content to just accept without exhausting every other avenue.  

You're questioning who you are, why you ended up here and where to go from here, perfectly reasonable when you consider how much this is impacting your life.  

I'm glad you opened up and shared your thoughts with us, sometimes it helps to put things down on 'paper' to help us formulate a plan and getting feedback is important because you might not have thought about a certain aspect of it. 

We're all different and whatever you decide to do, we'll support because we've found there isn't a right way to go about this.  What works for one, won't for another so we all do our best to help our individual circumstances and we pass along the knowledge to the next person.  What you write here can help the next person looking for answers, so thank you for having the courage to express your thoughts. 

 

[[Bl...]]

On 16/02/2024 at 19:28, [[M...] said:

I don't know how much more I can take of this, I know we are told not to regret our past and things we can't change. But I cant change regretting it anymore, I came to accept that I was thrown into "WD" after ingesting 2 ssri pills back in Dec 2022. There was no chance to do it right there was no warning, I woke up one morning with everything I knew ripped away. From then I had to frantically try to save my own life or at least learn how to in the way that would give me my best chance. Being the tough guy all my life this probably left me doing more damage.

Im not trying to scare anyone from their beliefs on the path forward, I'm just scared myself and felt like I've lost the way a while ago. So becuase I'm so sick I just rinse and repeat the days, watch them melt, for what feels like no reason.

Sorry for the long post, all these things cross my mind and I want to post about them and get help but I can't bring myself too it, until I do and it comes flooding out. Part of it I'm scared to take a step, it's like if you don't ask then it won't be a dead end, you can hold it close like a lifeline.

Thanks for reading, I know we are all in the fight. I wish I could be a sign of healing and inspiring to someone by now. For them and for me, until then the path of uncertainty continues...

"I'm trying but it feels like losing the war...." The title you wrote for this thread, as well as your post, are thought-provoking.

How did you come to be "thrown" into w/d? And who told you, you had to "accept" it?

From my observation, you didn't lose the war. But rather you are the victor. However, I'm not going to decide which way you should go at this point, but I sure hope that whatever decision you do make that it's the right one.

Please do continue posting. It appears you haven't lost your way at all, but are learning how to navigate this minefield that has brought you here! From my experience with this unfortunate ordeal, people who have either gone through this or are going through this "minefield" are like a kind of lifeline for those who are still in it.

[[So...]]

I just wanted to throw this in here, you can take gabapentin prn as well..  I did that when I very first got off klonopin.  Might as well try that first and see how you react to it and maybe if you could get a few days of relief a week you could push thru!

[[ro...]]

On 16/02/2024 at 22:28, [[M...] said:

I don't know how much more I can take of this, I know we are told not to regret our past and things we can't change. But I cant change regretting it anymore, I came to accept that I was thrown into "WD" after ingesting 2 ssri pills back in Dec 2022. There was no chance to do it right there was no warning, I woke up one morning with everything I knew ripped away. From then I had to frantically try to save my own life or at least learn how to in the way that would give me my best chance. Being the tough guy all my life this probably left me doing more damage.

Just hit 14 months (9 months off)... and how far have I come. Well 14 months have past and that feels like about all I can say for progression. I feel eerily close to how I did in acute, but how can this be? People can't be in acute for 14 months, I mean sure I've read it but doesn't seem to be as common. No window's, just waves and tsunamis. Sure I'm off the med, but that leaves you with nothing to blame/lookforward too. When I was tapering, I held the thought of being off and healing so dear to my heart, I believed it fully. But understandably as time melts and I live in acute like state moment after moment I loose hope. Every day that melts away I feel hope melting with it. I swore the "low dose" and somewhat irregular use would leave me a quick heal. Sure not as quick as I'd like but in no world could I of phatomed being acute like this far out. House bound and getting sicker as time passes.

The things I hung onto for survival aren't giving relief anymore and almost are a place of disappointment now. I look around and have buddies and they are showing signs of moving forward, even when on meds still.

You read that you heal on meds and we see this happen, then the next post you read you won't heal until your off and time passes. Sure both might be true, but when you start to really put some time behind you and you don't feel like your seeing what you need then how do you keep the faith. If I'm being honest with myself and you, I can't lie to myself and say see it's happening even if small, your doing it just keep going. It feels like the longer I white knuckle this the longer I'll stay sick. I'm a very stubborn and hardheaded person, which for all my life served me greatly. Now I worry its the worst thing. I've been at 8/20 out of 10 on symptoms for months on end and I stayed the course. I'm so sick with symptoms I'm unable to post for help and this bleeds into me potentially not getting help I need in any shape or forum.

I'm proud of myself for going this long in this condition but this cant be the only way. This disabilitated from the in ways, small doses of medication, for this long.

I am at the point of almost believing the doctors when they said you have GAD and who knows what other disorder. Didnt have them before but life works in weird ways. I spoke with someone that never touched a benzo in their life and they sounded just like me, like many of us.

Im not trying to scare anyone from their beliefs on the path forward, I'm just scared myself and felt like I've lost the way a while ago. So becuase I'm so sick I just rinse and repeat the days, watch them melt, for what feels like no reason.

I was hopping by this time, I'd know clearly what the path was. Just like I thought the entire time, just keep going. But now I'm considering adding medication, this should explain how things are going. When I jumped I swore I'd rather be dead then ever touch a med again. I wish that would of been my truth. It doesn't seem like that will be how it goes and I'm terrified to make things worse, I just don't know how much longer I can go in acute or not being stable.

Sorry for the long post, all these things cross my mind and I want to post about them and get help but I can't bring myself too it, until I do and it comes flooding out. Part of it I'm scared to take a step, it's like if you don't ask then it won't be a dead end, you can hold it close like a lifeline.

I should probably make another post to get an answer on this but I'm seriously considering adding pregabalin or gabapentin. I'd prefer propanolol which I've been on for a short duration but I have since learned on my own if you carry an epi pen this could be a death sentence, wish my doctors told me this further embedding my distrust in them. 14 months of how I feel constantly I think it's time to put my strength and pride aside for wanting it to be all benzo withdrawal and prove them wrong. I'm struggling seeing and hearing about so many people doing so much better either at the time off I am or still on medication. Please don't take that the wrong way I am super happy for them, I just feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm doing this to myself now where as before I felt the meds did this to me.

Thanks for reading, I know we are all in the fight. I wish I could be a sign of healing and inspiring to someone by now. For them and for me, until then the path of uncertainty continues...

my brother I relate to this so terribly much.