In Tolerance/ TW/ Dependence? What to do?

[[ce...]]

Hi, 

I had been taking 3.5 mgs of Ativan since November of 2023. Prior to that, I was taking 2mgs for five years. I was updosed because my psychiatrists didn't know I was in tolerance/tw/dependency. I have been taking 2mgs for five years after a battle with lymphacitic colitis and C.Diff. Updose didn't help. 

In September, I became sick. Though I can say in restrospect, my anxiety started to break through, I had bad GERD, insomnia. But I never thought a prescribed medication was doing this to me. I thought something was just wrong with ME. 

When I had C.Diff, I developed a difficulty swallowing and a to of anxiety. In September of 2023, I developed GERD and have had dysphagia (difficulty swallowing) since then. All my food is currently blended right now. 

I feel I am in some sort of tolerance/TW/dependency. I am anxious, depressed, have had MS symptoms, UTI symptoms, lost a lot of weight, nightmares, face mask feeling, food sensitivity, med sensitivities, muscles tightening outside, inside. You name it, I have it. Oddly enough I sleep. 

I didn't realize this was my medication until January of this year. 

My psychiatrist told me to cut .25. I did. I cut and I felt..okay. I felt electric brain zaps, lightness. So on. 

I met with a "benzo wise" doctor and he told me to do another .25 cut. I misheard when he wanted to do this but I did it after two weeks and I had a major headache with ears ringing. I know these are normal but it felt like my head would explode. I got scared and went back to 3.25. But, since I am in some sort of tolerance/TW/dependency, I decided to try to water taper. 

I went down to 3.23 and I developed chest pain which may have been possible heartburn. Because I cannot swallow I had tried, stupidly to crush tylenols and developed heartburn. This felt somewhat similar so it seems that maybe water/liquid taper may not be the best. Right now I'm doing very tiny unmeasured shaves because I had spent my money preparing for liquid taper and don't have it for a scale right now. The chest pain went away but obviously I am at a loss on how to taper. 

I am never fully stabilized. I have moments of okay but they are hard fought through ignoring lots of pains, meditation, walking...crying. 

I feel like an impossible case that will die because I don't know how to proceed. Cutting was painful but I am currently in so much pain. 

To anyone in my situation. What should I do? What has worked for you? Am I in danger of things becoming...deadly or something? I am afraid of detox or inpatient due to my intolerance to meds,  and C.Diff history, inability to swallow and food sensitivities I am developing. I also would not know how to do this without my spouse or family by me. I am so attached to them right now and would want an advocate as well as company also due to my ptsd due to my CDiff hospitalization, but I don't know what works here. 

I need off this thing because its poison but removing it is also extremely painful. Someone please help, guidance, support, anything...I think this will kill me and I'm so scared. 

 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[ce...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I'm so very sorry for what you've been through, but please know you can recover from this, there is hope.

You're wise to dismiss going to detox, its not the best solution for benzodiazepine withdrawal, slow and steady is the way to go. 

What you've described sounds like tolerance, but the reductions you've made thus far appear to be too much for you, we typically suggest reducing by about 5-10% every few weeks but what works best is using your symptoms as a guide.  This can hopefully keep you functional.

Not everyone will use scales or liquid titration, eyeballing doses can work too.  I know I haven't addressed all of your concerns so lets keep talking, we'll help you figure this out.

[[ce...]]

Hi Pam!

I’ve heard about you on my Reddit recovery group and you are loved and considered an angel. I feel so happy you replied to me with hope and support.

yes!

[[Pa...]]

@[ce...], I'm pleased to hear about your Reddit group, thank you for sharing this with me.  I'm not very proficient when it comes to actual taper mechanics since I didn't taper and I freeze like a deer in the headlights when it comes to math but I try to be helpful.

I'm glad to know you can sleep, that may be your next challenge, insomnia is fairly universal around here but its good you can at the moment.

I wish we could find a way to get you stable before continuing with your taper but you mentioned updosing to 3.5 mgs didn't help, how long have you been at 3.23?  And we should talk about how you prepared your liquid, and was your first reduction .02?

 

 

[[ce...]]

Does anyone with my symptoms even get stable? I never feel entirely stable. 

So in my five years with Ativan, I was updosed twice to 3mgs before this last September. The updoses were no longer than a year and I removed the 1mg on my own with no help. At the time I wasn’t in tolerance or anything. 
This September I was updosed to 3.5 but perhaps my previous experiences with 3mgs created a quick tolerance? I honestly wonder if there is an mg that would stabilize me and a doctor that would prescribe as much as I need to be out of tolerance and start stable.

Besides I’m in BAD tolerance. I feel WD symptoms y’all bring up. I’ve been tested for UTIs, stroke, pain… just so many things due to symptoms. 

I went from 3.50 to 3.25 the first week of January. Two weeks later I tried to do 3mgs but got the worst migraine of my life within two days of that cut. I went back to 3.25.

My spouse researched liquid tapers and we got our equipment. I started an Ativan in water taper. Because I’m so sensitive we decided to go with water. I know it’s not the best but we felt we had to keep moving as all these symptoms are just intolerable.

I tried the water taper last Monday. Because I was scared of committing my whole pill to the water, we just submerged the .25, reduced it by 0.01 with the syringe, drank that bit with my 1mg pill that I take it with and went on. Then the chest pains came. 

It was very hard to tell if they came from heart burn or wd but I can say that shaving the pill a little has done much better. 

[[Ri...]]

44 minutes ago, [[c...] said:

Does anyone with my symptoms even get stable? I never feel entirely stable. 

So in my five years with Ativan, I was updosed twice to 3mgs before this last September. The updoses were no longer than a year and I removed the 1mg on my own with no help. At the time I wasn’t in tolerance or anything. 
This September I was updosed to 3.5 but perhaps my previous experiences with 3mgs created a quick tolerance? I honestly wonder if there is an mg that would stabilize me and a doctor that would prescribe as much as I need to be out of tolerance and start stable.

Besides I’m in BAD tolerance. I feel WD symptoms y’all bring up. I’ve been tested for UTIs, stroke, pain… just so many things due to symptoms. 

I went from 3.50 to 3.25 the first week of January. Two weeks later I tried to do 3mgs but got the worst migraine of my life within two days of that cut. I went back to 3.25.

My spouse researched liquid tapers and we got our equipment. I started an Ativan in water taper. Because I’m so sensitive we decided to go with water. I know it’s not the best but we felt we had to keep moving as all these symptoms are just intolerable.

I tried the water taper last Monday. Because I was scared of committing my whole pill to the water, we just submerged the .25, reduced it by 0.01 with the syringe, drank that bit with my 1mg pill that I take it with and went on. Then the chest pains came. 

It was very hard to tell if they came from heart burn or wd but I can say that shaving the pill a little has done much better. 

I’m right where you’re at regarding stabilizing between a dose change. I seem to go between 1.0mg to 1.125mg every 4 days. The discomfort begins at the 4th day of being on .50 X 2 a day. I go back to 1.125mg to relieve symptoms a bit for a day then back to .50x 2 a day. 

[[Pa...]]

1 hour ago, [[c...] said:

Does anyone with my symptoms even get stable? I never feel entirely stable. 

I guess I should tell you how we define stable, its the ability to perform your basic daily tasks, it doesn't mean feeling good.  Knowing this, would you consider yourself stable?

Quite a few members will use both their tablets and liquid for tapering purposes, so I don't think that would be a problem.  Did you agitate the liquid before ingesting and did you rinse the container and drink that water as well?  You probably know Ativan mixes poorly in water and makes a suspension rather than a solution so its important to mix it to get every particle you can.

I've about reached the end of my taper expertise so I'm hoping you'll start a thread on the taper forum so we can get some smart people to help.  I'll be around to make sure you get what you need to feel confident in your taper method.  Thats the thing, we need to feel confident because this awful experiment uses us as the subject and that means pain if its not working for us. 

 

 

 

[[ce...]]

Im slightly bed ridden and home bound but yea Im able to move about. Crying lol but I move and make my smoothie dinners.

I did agitate the cup and drink it all well, as I said I am unsure if I developed a bad case of heart burn or chest pains from the cut. I now shave the pill without measuring.

I will post in the tapering thread later tonight and see what help I can get.

I’m new to this world, please be patient. I didn’t know a prescribed drug would do this to me.