Did i make a mistake going on a Retaper?

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Dear benzobuddies,

3 years ago, i self medicated diazepam for about a month(high doses), this led me into psychosis. During my psychosis i attempted suicide, by doing about 3 full strips of Xanax, another strip of diazepam and like 4 low dose Oxy's. Can't remember the exact numbers but it was a huge overdose. This whole period has been vague memory wise, i abused benzo's (dia and alpra) for another short period, like a week or month with high use.

After this i quit cold turkey. The first year was absolutely horrible, all the worst benzo withdrawals you can imagine + recovering from psychosis. I do not wish that period on my worst enemies.

Now 3 years later, i am still full of anxiety, i feel lifeless most of the time. Depressed. Constant suicidal thoughts. (a bit contradictory) but I want to live so much, i've picked up the violin in those 3 years, and i want to perform but my anxiety just won't let me. Maybe the biggest of all is that i have 0 self worth, no ego, nothing.

I work out 4 times a week , cardio and strength. I don't have a job because of the aforementioned lack of self worth and anxiety.
Also ever since, i have not been able to relax. Can't play a video game, cant watch a movie without restlesness in my mind and body.

Anyway, I am really hoping someone can give me some advice, and tell me if i did or didn't make a mistake.

I started back on diazepam, a little too much at first i think (30mg daily) week 1. now i've been on 15mg a day the past 2 weeks, this is where i seem to function somewhat normally, social interactions are doable and i'm not haunted by suicidal thoughts constantly. My idea was, or better put, my hope is that i can give my GABA receptors a chance to normalize through a slow taper, or should they have made a full recovery in 3 years regardless? Or are they maybe just permanently damaged?. Does it even work like this? Should i just stop while im still on only 3 week use? I type this with tears in my eyes because i want my life back so bad, i want to play the violin without fear and tension in my body. I want my brothers to see their brother again, as who he was.


I'm sorry if im incoherent, writing this has made me quite emotional.

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Welcome to Benzo Buddies!  You will find lots of support here.  It sounds like you have been through quite an ordeal.

I can try to answer a couple of your questions.  

First, it is not totally unusual that it would take 3+ years to heal.  I am almost at four years and still struggling with symptoms.    

There is probably not permanent "damage".   My understanding is that almost everyone heals completely, and those that don't might have an underlying condition that is inhibiting their full healing.

As to starting back on Diazepam, there are a couple of things to remember.     You might experience something called kindling when you try to come off again.  This phenomenon happens after more than one attempt to come off psychotropic drugs.  Each time you come off it might get a bit harder.   I certainly have found that to be true in my case.      

I totally understand wanting your life back!!!!   It will happen, but it tends to take much longer than any of us hoped it would.    Good for you for learning to play the violin.

Of course, you need to do what you think is best for your health and life.    Staying on the Diazepam too long might put you in a precarious situation.    Everyone is different so it is hard to say.

Please keep us posted on your progress!!!!

 

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I’m really sorry you’re going through this, especially after so long since your last dose.

One thing to consider is maybe trauma specific therapy. It sounds like your earlier experience was incredibly traumatic and your not fully recovered. I say that from someone who went through something similar with regards to suicidal ideation.

Another thing to remember and remind yourself. YOU STILL ARE THAT PERSON. You still are a brother and you will play violin one day. Just right now you’re injured but you will heal.