Update after going through hell

[[Ma...]]

I wasn’t able to write earlier because I went through hell for months. I tried to hold at 8 mg Diazepam and my doctor added Carbamazepine for the seizures, but it didn’t help. Carbamazepine had so many bad side effects.

So after having 10-12 seizures per day, status epilepticus, psychosis, screaming from unbearable symptoms, not able to eat, drink, vomiting, walk and speak and being bedridden, thinking of the unthinkable and about 50 other withdrawal symptoms I had to updose. I didn’t have another option. I was totally malnourished and wasn’t even able to sit on my bed. I wasn’t able to go to the toilet, because it was not possible to walk.

Now I take 10 mg Diazepam and 2 mg Lorazepam. I’m able to walk, speak, eat and drink and already gained weight. Seizures stopped. 
 

But I still have a lot of symptoms. But the level of the symptom strength came down from 10/10 to 7/10. Functioning right now is 20 %. That’s enough for me to live. I’m living with this mess now for 14 months. 
 

I don’t know how to go on from now. My doctor said, maybe I’m lucky and will be able to stabilize, but I don’t know how it feels to be more stable than 20 %. I don’t remember my old me in 2022, working, driving, being 100 % functional.
 

So now I’m starting all over again. I lost everything. My job and my biggest wishes: to be healthy and to have a child. I’m crying very often because now I need to accept that health is so far away from me and the way to come down of this high dose will take years and I will be too old to have a child. I need to accept that. 

I was on SSRIs for 20 years and wanted to stop this SSRI mess. I took 20 mg Paroxetine for 15 years and developed osteoporosis from this devil‘s stuff, which ended with a hip fracture and hip surgeries at the age of 30 years. At the age of 29 a combination of 20 mg Paroxetine in the morning and 7,5 mg Mirtazapine in the evening for 2 years brought cardiac arrhythmia and a heart surgery. Then the doctors switched me to Venlafaxine and Zolpidem. I was planning to stop Venlafaxine because me and my husband planned to have a child after I finish my PhD. Stopping Venlafaxine? I’ll try never again. Worst withdrawal ever. I tried to fix it with Lorazepam, but even very high dose Lorazepam didn’t kill the Venlafaxine withdrawal symptoms. So I gave up and took the devil Venlafaxine again but as a result had a new problem: Lorazepam. 
 

Biggest mistakes in my life: starting taking psych meds and trusting the doctors. 
 

As a result of all of this: all dreams gone.

[[ji...]]

@[Ma...]    im so very sorry you have to go through this.  i hope you continue to improve day by day.  wishing you health & healing~~jill

[[Ma...]]

@[ji...]

Thank you so much!!!

Wishing you health and healing as well!

[[Re...]]

@[Ma...]It is heartbreaking to read this story, I am so sorry for the things that happened to you.

It is very good you have doctors who collaborate with you. 

I am glad you started to feel even 20% better, that can be a huge difference. I strongly hope that with time you will feel gradually better and better. 

One can heal even while taking the medication, I have heard this from more sources (Chris Page, or Jenniffer Swantkowski, they are on a good path). 

Believe me many people have children later on in their life, that is not an issue nowadays!

Focus only on your recovery and yourself now. 

I am pulling for you majorly, Mausi, keep up the dedication you are having!!! 

Sending many hugs to you!

[[...]]

You will get much better, I am sure.

You know I love you ❤️

And when you are ready we will figure out how you can start with your taper again ❤️

[[Ma...]]

@[...]

I love you, too 

[[Ma...]]

@[Re...]

Thank you so much for your kind words 

[[kn...]]

I have so much heart felt hope for you and the life situation that you are in.  I am also on a Diazepam taper, and taking Venlafaxine as well.  I also had to recently up my dosage of Diazepam after being chronically ill for almost 6 months.  My symptoms were nowhere near as bad as your's, but I was non functioning.  I've been able to reduce the  amount of Venlafaxine I was taking, but I've never managed to get completely free of it.  I've really given up hope of ever getting completely off my psych drugs completely.  Maybe, but only time will tell.  A person can only put themselves through so much and life becomes unlivable. I also want to give you some comfort in regard to your dreams of family and finishing your degree.  My daughter, who also takes psych meds, managed to finish her PhD and now teaches college classes in biology and chemistry.  She and her husband had their son when she was 40.  Three years later their daughter was born when she was 43.  Our neighborhood has tons of young and school age kids running around.  All of their parents are  in their mid to late 40's.  And then there's me:  72, taking benzos for 30+ yrs. Prior to my updose, I had lost nearly all of the  use of my legs .  Now I can at least walk a bit with my cane.   I'm sure everyone here wants the best for you.  I most certainly do! 

[[Ma...]]

My heart breaks for you. It does. But, listen: take that 20% and build on it . Don’t let the ‘what if’s’ in. You’re back on meds and for right now that.is.okay. The future will take care of itself so focus on that 20% and build, build-get your strength back, get your self esteem back!

 I too couldn’t lift my head off my bed or eat last summer/fall and it was beyond terrifying. The fact that you survived that plus everything else? Please, please give yourself credit and grace!

Now-build in that 20% and we’ll be here cheering you on!! 💕