No clear windows until 8 months - is this a negative predictor?

[[Re...]]

 

 

Hello Everyone, 

I have been having this problem for a while: I actually don't have "clear" windows. 

I do notice better paths and worse ones. But I am not that better during "good paths" either. No big difference, I just notice that I am feeling worse. And that is often. 

For months this has been on my mind. People usually have "good and clearer" windows. 

I didn't C/T, but I had a rapid taper after my therapist passed away. It was 3 months long taper after 12 years. I jumped from 0.125 mg alprazolam (2,5 mg diazepam equivalent I guess). 

I also tapered duloxetine simultaneously and jumped from a high dose.I did 2 C/T from duloxetine before, no or little issues (brain zaps). I jumped from the 2 meds the same time. 

I am 8 months out very soon. I can go to a store. I can go to a Café. I just bought my Dad some Birthday gift and decorations. So I can do these things. But that's all I can do. 
But not doing that good to be honest. I have no contact to anyone but my parents, I just can not. Really can not. I feel weirdly inferior and ashamed (?). My heart is racing, I get extremely very easily agitated (wow..) . I know some of us are extremely sick, but I am not doing good either... My head is just all over the place. 

I definitely don't want to list all my symptoms. 
I think until now I have been very positive about my recovery. Still trying. 

So I'm not having clear windows, just noticing : I am worse. A few days later: worse, than again. Repeat
It is not what I see on the forums or online. 

Is my prognosis worse/ different because of the mess I have done? 

Thank you for your insight guys! 
 

 

Edited February 7 by [Re...]
Clarification

[[je...]]

I honestly don't think there's a clear trajectory for recovery. I've read two Success Stories where they were in such bad waves and woke up one morning and suddenly they were healed. Never expected it to happen that way.

We tend to think of the absence of symptoms as recovery but the presence of symptoms could merely be our body trying to reach a balance. Of course it would be nice to have those moments where symptoms lift exponentially for a while but if it doesn't happen it doesn't mean you're not getting better.

Holistically our bodies are such complex structures. We all have unique brains, unique personalities, unique tastes, unique fingerprints, unique DNA, it's no wonder that recovery after changes to the brain is also a very unique process. So I don't think your process is different because you made a mess, I think it's different because just like everyone else you're a unique human being.

I hope you'll soon experience a very long window!

 

[[Ye...]]

Ruben I don't have any type of window either, everything is linear and progressive, which for me makes more sense and seems more real than something that appears suddenly and suddenly.

You have had a downturn, it is logical, time passes, nothing changes and you have doubts. I've been like this for a while too, about 11 months and it's all the same unfair shit. You are healing that that's for sure, the question is, when the healing ends...

We have to continue holding on, we have to be very patient and we have to continue suffering, we don't have much of a choice...

Cheer up friend!

[[Re...]]

Thank you @[je...], I appreciate your reply very much. It makes me often worried I don't have the experiences others have.

I know in retrospect what I have done wrong, but I had no chance to find a new therapist...

@[Ye...]Thank you so much for sharing your experience! This very slow change is happening to me, too. Slow, gradual improvement with flare ups. I think it happens to me because I jumped from a higher dose, maybe. 

Thank you for you both, I really appreciate the much needed encouragement!

Hang in there, too, @[Ye...]!! Yes, we will get there! 

 

[[Ye...]]

2 minutes ago, [[R...] said:

Gracias @[je...], aprecio mucho su respuesta Me hace a menudo preocuparme no tener las experiencias que otros tienen.

Sé en retrospectiva lo que he hecho mal, pero no tuve oportunidad de encontrar un nuevo terapeuta...

@[am...]Muchas gracias por compartir su experiencia! este cambio tan lento me está pasando a mí, también Mejora lenta, gradual con los brotes Creo que me pasa porque salté de una dosis más alta, tal vez. 

¡Gracias por ambos, realmente aprecio el estímulo tan necesario!

Aguanta también, @[am...]!! sí, ¡llegaremos allí! 

I stopped taking it all overnight; suddenly

I was taking 6mg of klonopin or clonazepam.

In your case, how was it?

[[Re...]]

I did a fast taper from 4,5 mg of alprazolam daily, but my main mistake was that I did not slow down at the end.
I didn't know about slow tapering (what I thought as "slow" still counts as rapid) , of course it is self explanatory for me now.

At low doses it became extremely difficult, but in retrospect I can see now that I had symptoms quite early in the process (agoraphobia, social phobia, rumination especially). 

 

[[Li...]]

@[Re...]

Please don’t be discouraged.  Your time will come.  I’ve been a member of this community since 2018 and also keep an eye on several of the other online support communities.  I’ve read about quite a few individuals who do not experience ‘clear’ windows but do indeed recover. 

Based on the quality of your posts of late, my sense is you may be further along the road to recovery than you think you are! 

[[Re...]]

Thank you so much @[Li...]for the kind words and helpful insight!! 

[[Pi...]]

I think you are doing well for a quick taper off Xanax

.

 

 

Edited February 8 by [Pi...]

[[Kh...]]

5 hours ago, [[R...] said:

I did a fast taper from 4,5 mg of alprazolam daily, but my main mistake was that I did not slow down at the end.
I didn't know about slow tapering (what I thought as "slow" still counts as rapid) , of course it is self explanatory for me now.

At low doses it became extremely difficult, but in retrospect I can see now that I had symptoms quite early in the process (agoraphobia, social phobia, rumination especially). 

Hang in there RR…I am suffering too.  Let’s get better soon.  One day at a time.  I cut to .25 mg V as a precaution but essentially jumped cuz this amount certainly can’t register in my system..no way.  It’s only 1/8 of a 2 mg bill which must be nothing in the system.  

[[...]]

22 hours ago, [[R...] said:

Hello Everyone, 

I have been having this problem for a while: I actually don't have "clear" windows. 

I do notice better paths and worse ones. But I am not that better during "good paths" either. No big difference, I just notice that I am feeling worse. And that is often. 

For months this has been on my mind. People usually have "good and clearer" windows. 

I didn't C/T, but I had a rapid taper after my therapist passed away. It was 3 months long taper after 12 years. I jumped from 0.125 mg alprazolam (2,5 mg diazepam equivalent I guess). 

I also tapered duloxetine simultaneously and jumped from a high dose.I did 2 C/T from duloxetine before, no or little issues (brain zaps). I jumped from the 2 meds the same time. 

I am 8 months out very soon. I can go to a store. I can go to a Café. I just bought my Dad some Birthday gift and decorations. So I can do these things. But that's all I can do. 
But not doing that good to be honest. I have no contact to anyone but my parents, I just can not. Really can not. I feel weirdly inferior and ashamed (?). My heart is racing, I get extremely very easily agitated (wow..) . I know some of us are extremely sick, but I am not doing good either... My head is just all over the place. 

I definitely don't want to list all my symptoms. 
I think until now I have been very positive about my recovery. Still trying. 

So I'm not having clear windows, just noticing : I am worse. A few days later: worse, than again. Repeat
It is not what I see on the forums or online. 

Is my prognosis worse/ different because of the mess I have done? 

Thank you for your insight guys! 
 

@[Re...], thank you for the truth! I think it's precious! Really. And it's encouraging in a way, at least for me. I'm also in a similar situation. I did get a bit better when i finished my "lopsided" tapering. I felt like a human being again. And it was amazing but then my progress kind of stopped. Months passed but everything stayed the same, about the way you are experiencing. And i got confused and ashamed. Everyone seemed to be doing much better than me. I do have windows but no more than for 5 days. It's my record!) and only if i'm extremely lucky. And the windows don't mean i feel well just no headache. I can meet with some friends and enjoy their company but not too much and not often. 

I think you're doing ok. Honestly. Exactly the way your recovery is supposed to be and i'm in the same boat!)

Thank you for sharing!

 

Edited February 8 by [...]

[[Re...]]

@[...] thank you for sharing this "window-less" experience. Interestingly there are people who had a rapid taper and have long ones, did longer taper and have none. It is quite crazy. It seem to me we still need to learn a lot about the human body... 

I really need to remind myself that comparison can be misleading, but I found myself in that rabbit hole again. I guess I am trying to push this process and I am not really patient, and have to remind myself again and again that what happening is reality, at least temporarily. And there is no other way, only through.

Social connections play a crucial role, but currently, to be honest, really not my personal strengh. It is so reassuring for me that you can meet friends and enjoy their company, even if infrequently, it is a very positive sign. Congratulations on doing that!

 

[[...]]

1 hour ago, [[R...] said:

@[...] thank you for sharing this "window-less" experience. Interestingly there are people who had a rapid taper and have long ones, did longer taper and have none. It is quite crazy. It seem to me we still need to learn a lot about the human body... 

I really need to remind myself that comparison can be misleading, but I found myself in that rabbit hole again. I guess I am trying to push this process and I am not really patient, and have to remind myself again and again that what happening is reality, at least temporarily. And there is no other way, only through.

Social connections play a crucial role, but currently, to be honest, really not my personal strengh. It is so reassuring for me that you can meet friends and enjoy their company, even if infrequently, it is a very positive sign. Congratulations on doing that!

Thank you) Usually i can manage no more than 1 person at a time and, in fact, it was just once when i did enjoy lots of friends around)) I really prefer staying alone or keeping in touch on line now. 

I like the way Jelly baby says -our recovery is unique as well as we ourselves🙂

[[wi...]]

@[Re...]Im right there with you in everything you said. Yesterday was 9 months off. 
I love your honesty and willingness to reach out.

I hope we both get some beautiful windows soon. 
I wish I could stop all of our suffering. Its so brutal.

Love you dear one. You’re not alone. 🫂

[[Si...]]

Hi I'm almost 8 months off and never get clear windows any more either

[[Re...]]

Thank guys, I appreciate your replies so much. I thought I was kind of an "oddity" with this lack of windows. 

[[dj...]]

I’m 16 months out and my only (mostly) clear window was one day in Month 5.  And a lot of my physical symptoms have gotten worse. 
 

There is no rhyme or reason to any of this.  I have read stories of people who got hammered by symptoms 24/7 for 2 years and woke up 100% healed.  I’ve seen people that just get better in a linear fashion.  People that got worse and then quickly got better.  
 

Buckle up!  Just remember it’s a benzo injury, not anything you did wrong.  

[[ro...]]

I am at 18 months and I have never had a window. 

[[Ho...]]

I'm at 17 months bento-free and finally realized that the few times I felt almost okay were probably windows.

I keep wondering if I'm getting better or just getting used to feeling badly. I think it's incontrovertible that I'm getting used to feeling badly. And like so many recovered people have said, I secretly worry that I'm going to be the one who doesn't get better.

All these things go with the territory, I'm afraid. We're definitely all in this together, even if nothing goes quite the same for each of us. I haven't have that many good days but I've had some. They're definitely increasing. As I write this I realize I'm having them more often. Yay for that!

So while this process isn't linear, for some of us, having windows seems to be more linear than we'd like. Time is on our side!

Warmly,

HCHC