Constantly losing hope. Every day is a journey.

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Hello, my name is Adrian & I’m 23 years old. My birthday is on the 8th (literally a day from now). I don’t even look forward to it but my birthday wish is to be 100% healed and back to normal very soon.
 

My story:

On November 24th, 2023 I had this random panic attack out of nowhere that lasted an entire damn day. Keep in mind that this has never happened to me in my entire life. NEVER. I was literally laying down on my bed after having gotten ready to go out with my family and it happened. It wouldn’t go away and I was scared as I’ve never had that happen to me before. I got home and tried to sleep but couldn’t and it stressed me out. I eventually went to the hospital and they gave me two Ativan pills (1mg) each.
 

They prescribed me to take 3 pills a day for one week straight. I immediately noticed I slept more and felt completely off. Even though I was sleeping a lot I still felt so dang odd and off. I would get inter dose withdrawal after taking it. I hated the way I felt. It made me feel good and normal I guess but eventually it went away and the symptoms would start. I soon realized it was the stupid pills that were causing me all this discomfort. 
 

I stopped cold turkey taking them after using them for 2 weeks close to 3 weeks. I took in total 12 pills and that’s it. I was actually supposed to finish the entire prescription bottle they gave me that had 20 in total but I didn’t. My mom threw them away. The last time I took a pill was on December 13th and immediately the next day the pills made me feel like shit because of the horrible acute withdrawals. They were so unbelievably horrible and scary. I had never gone through something like that. 
 

I was crying and so desperately trying to feel better. Nothing helped. I just had to endure and suffer like everyone else in this unfortunate situation.

Currently as I make this post it is 7:00 p.m on February 6th. On the 11th I’ll have been 2 months free of the benzos. I keep stressing out and losing hope I’ll feel better. I hate this more than anything in the world. I cry so much and have it on my mind 24/7. All day is just about trying to distract myself because I exist. That’s no way of living. 
 

My depression from the pills constantly has me thinking about really negative outcomes. It’s been so bad. The fact that I don’t know when this pain and suffering will end and just constantly having to live day by day with it on my mind is poison. I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Everyone else is living life and enjoying it. Meanwhile I’m just in my stupid dark small room suffering running out of things to do to distract myself with. 
 

Nothing is enjoyable anymore to me. The days just feel sad and dark. The gloomy weather doesn’t help either. I don’t enjoy the things that brought me so much joy. Video games, going to the gym and working out for hours. Going out with my family. Watching TV or YouTube. Watching Movies. Nothing. I’ll have brief moments where I’ll laugh at something and my mind instantly reminds me “Hey! You’re still in withdrawals! How dare you even laugh. You’re not supposed to be joyous about anything right now. Don’t forget you’re still suffering. Still trying to make it day to day.”

 

I cried last night because I saw a post on here where a woman had posted that she took Ativan around the same amount I did & she completely healed at 9 months. It broke me and caused my to burst into tears because I DO NOT WANT THAT TO BE HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO HEAL. I want this over as soon as possible. I looked at other posts where some people have healed much sooner and I grasp to those as my hope. That hopefully I’m lucky like them and in maybe a month or 2 more I’ll be back to normal. 
 

These two months that I’ve been going through this have felt like 5 months already. I can’t believe I’m going through this. I was perfectly fine 3 months ago and healthy. Going to the gym extremely early and eating a lot. Happy and energetic. I enjoyed days with welcome arms. Now? Days feel like weeks. Each hour feels like 2. I get not joy from the days. The things I do to distract myself are starting to not work as much. The only time I’m at “peace” is when I’m dead asleep at night, which thankfully I’m actually able to sleep 7-8 hours. However it’s only at night. I can’t take naps because my body doesn’t allow me to. I can’t relax or my body will sorta twitch a bit. It’s insanely frustrating. My heart will beat enough to where it’s annoying and not let me relax and I’ll keep opening my eyes every 10 minutes. Meaning I just have to deal with the entire damn day and finally at night it’s the only time I’m like “Okay, I can actually rest now. My body will let me.” 
 

Anyways, I’m just scared beyond belief that my recovery will take WAY longer than I want it to. Maybe it won’t and I’m just stressing out for nothing. However I don’t know that so of course I’m gonna be stressed and afraid. I pray and beg God to please be merciful to me . That he makes this go away soon and that I’m fortunate it’ll end for me sooner than I think. I pray & hope so more than anything.

It sucks because my mom went through horrible withdrawals off of Xanax after taking it for more than two decades. She did a cold turkey but thankfully she did recover and is fine now. My aunt went through this too last year. In March she stopped Xanax cold turkey after taking it for many years as well. She’s fine now as well and I’m glad they are. It’s sucks now I’M going through it too. 
 

I just want this to end. More than anything in the world. I want to be on the other side and normal again. Enjoying life and happy.

Edited February 7 by [Ad...]

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Hi @[Ad...]

Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

I am really sorry you are going through all of this. And I'm sorry your birthday is not going to be what you wanted it to be. All the symptoms you describe are very normal during withdrawal. It's incredibly difficult to wait it out. And it's great to see you're already working on distraction. Distraction really helps to make symptoms more bearable. It seems like you've spent some time on the forum already, so you'll probably know the more we obsess about our symptoms, the more anxious we get and stress and anxiety make our symptoms worse. It's just a vicious cycle.

We cannot tell you when it will end, but we can be here to support you as we all understand exactly what you're going through and how you're feeling. I know this is scary, but if you give it time, you should recover and be able to live your life as before. You are young, you are a very short term user, so you have everything working in your favour. 

Please keep reaching out so we can provide you the support you need. 

[[Ri...]]

Adrian, you got to think of just moving forward. You will become happier as you make progress as you go (for example) 3 pills per day, to 2 pills, etc..Don’t overthink this. One day at a time until you complete this. You can do this!

[[Si...]]

I think you may be having some mild withdrawal but compounded by worry from reading about it online.  Why don't you try not reading anything about benzos for a week? You have only had 12 pills.  I know some people say they are suffering  for years after just a few days use but I consider that highly unlikely.  You are likely to get better soon.  Did you ever take benzos or z drugs before?  Prior use can make the reaction stronger.  

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7 hours ago, [[S...] said:

I think you may be having some mild withdrawal but compounded by worry from reading about it online.  Why don't you try not reading anything about benzos for a week? You have only had 12 pills.  I know some people say they are suffering  for years after just a few days use but I consider that highly unlikely.  You are likely to get better soon.  Did you ever take benzos or z drugs before?  Prior use can make the reaction stronger.  

No I have never taken any benzodiazepines or z drugs in my entire life. Never ever. This is the first time ever experiencing what it’s like taking them and the withdrawals they cause. The 12 I took were the only ones I’ve ever taken in my life. I try my best not read about anything negative. I read success stories to motivate me to keep going and to relax me. However there are some stories I’ve seen where a person took it as long I did and didn’t heal for many months and that’s what I’m so afraid of.

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Hi adrian im sorry your going through this i know how frustrateing it is. I too was on benzos for a short time for 7 weeks only. The first month my withdrawal was soo bad i cannot eat or drink and was completely bedridden and the second month my symptoms started easing down but was still really bad. By the end of third month i really started seeing improvements and soo much more managable than how it was for me in the first and second month. Im getting tiny waves but now i feel like im healing so hang in there ! Your still early into your recovery give it some more time you will heal specially if you took it for such a short period of time.