Finally left the house after nearly 11 months

[[WU...]]

It makes no sense as my symptoms are horrendous and feel worse than 6 months ago and yet, without thinking, I put on a coat and shoes and went for a walk yesterday. I was out for perhaps 20 -30 minutes just walking slowly. Came home and straight back on the sofa with symptoms raging as usual. The same thing today, out for a 20 minute walk with terrible head symptoms. Back home and on the sofa again. So a part of me is making me walk, feeling as bad as I do, it is very strange and I wonder what on earth is going on?

 

[[Ka...]]

Sorry horrendous at present. That is extraordinary. The body/mind connection is complex. Perhaps signs of a shift? & the walk outside is somehow happening as part of some inner guidance. Personally, I confess haven’t ventured out since Nov 2022 so know how hard this is. I would go with this gently for now. 

Edited January 26 by [Ka...]

[[WU...]]

I don't know about inner guidance but I did say to myself last night that I trusted the universe.  Hmmmm.

I feel like a bird that has been caged for too long.  But I need to resist the urge to fly and just walk in slow motion. Sorry you've been cooped up yourself since Nov 2022, that is quite some time.  Perhaps you will get the urge, out of the blue to just go out one day. 

[[Ka...]]

Take it slow & steady - this is positive and seems all part of the brain rebalancing itself.
No expert in this, safe at home (sort of) but we change and evolve and it’s a deeply personal individual journey. Take care

[[or...]]

1 hour ago, [[W...] said:

It makes no sense as my symptoms are horrendous and feel worse than 6 months ago and yet, without thinking, I put on a coat and shoes and went for a walk yesterday. I was out for perhaps 20 -30 minutes just walking slowly. Came home and straight back on the sofa with symptoms raging as usual. The same thing today, out for a 20 minute walk with terrible head symptoms. Back home and on the sofa again. So a part of me is making me walk, feeling as bad as I do, it is very strange and I wonder what on earth is going on?

I think I get this @[WU...] I did the same yesterday only it was groceries I needed.  I couldn't believe how good I did, but when I got home, I was back resting again before long.  My sxs aren't as bad as yours, but my mental and emotional seem to keep me indoors, or did for the last, 2 weeks!  No walking no nothing.  I didn't feel real bad when I got home, I just felt tired again, and happy to just be home with no one to bug me.

I really am happy you are able to take some walks.  I really think it's good for us even though we can't necessarily plan it, we just seem to get on auto-pilot maybe, oregonlady PS I think it helps me to see I'm stronger than I feel I am.

[[or...]]

10 minutes ago, [[K...] said:

Take it slow & steady - this is positive and seems all part of the brain rebalancing itself.
No expert in this, safe at home (sort of) but we change and evolve and it’s a deeply personal individual journey. Take care

I really like that about the brain-rebalancing itself, that goes with other things I've read about our brains like my fave article here, to this day is "What is happening to your brain", oregonlady

[[...]]

2 hours ago, [[W...] said:

Came home and straight back on the sofa with symptoms raging as usual.

@[WU...], i don't know. The whole process is a bit bizar and makes no sense but i think the key words as in the quote above. You didn't get worse and you go on walking the second day in a row. I think it's a good sign, whatever it means. I'm very glad you risked and went out! 

[[pi...]]

@[WU...],

Take these walks as a ‘win’. Any time you do something that is normally taken for granted in a non benzo withdrawal life is a step forward. 

[[Ta...]]

I love that you are doing this! So encouraging. You are out in the air, and breathing, putting one foot in front of the other...amazing good stuff! Every little bit of this is sending healing messages to your brain. Beautiful electrical messengers of healing are walking along with you! Lovely.

[[WU...]]

The way I put my shoes and coat on, without any thought, makes me question who exactly is in charge, the conscious me or the unconscious me? 

[[kn...]]

Without getting into the conscious aspects of our natures, suffice it to say that I benefit from walking (actually strolling).  I try to do it a couple of times a day when the weather cooperates.  I bought some inexpensive hiking poles from Amazon and they really give me more confidence and help with my balance and fatigue.  I still can't "walk" for more than  30 min. max, my oxygen levels (I have an oximeter from Amazon-cheap) go up and I try just to focus on my surroundings rather than the pain.  My therapist spent a lot of time schooling on mindfulness.  I still come home exhausted and have to crash. But.... I really don't care what any passer by thinks or how far I'm going.  No agenda.

[[Pi...]]

I was on the road my entire life. When I first cold turkeyed I had major anxiety but driving didn't bother me it was still second nature. About 8 months into this I started becoming afraid to drive especially any distance. Even though 4AM anxiety attacks are way better. Also have a lot of literally 2 second hallucinations when waking up that started about 3 months ago. They are extremely vivid.  My question is to anyone who wants to answer is this all chemical induced? Or is part of what I'm feeling because of the trauma of everything my mind has had to deal with 1 1/2 years CT. PDST? I'm beginning to feel that it's time to face some of these fears head on and get back to life the best I can. I find I'm still afraid but much more angry and frustrated because I know life is out there and I want to get back to it. No longer paralyzed by the fear as much. The brain may heal faster like a muscle gets stronger if you put gradual stress on it. Nothing too crazy. 

[[WU...]]

@[Pi...] "The brain may heal faster like a muscle gets stronger if you put gradual stress on it."

Personally I don't think so in our case. We don't have psychological issues, we have physical limitations down to altering the way our senses perceive things. My agoraphobia for the last 11 months was not true agoraphobia, it was my senses being too overstimulated by everything outside, the light, the sounds, cars etc, all too much. I don't think graded exposure will help at all. I think one day the brain just decides it is time to do something and then we will just do it naturally. 

[[or...]]

5 hours ago, [[W...] said:

The way I put my shoes and coat on, without any thought, makes me question who exactly is in charge, the conscious me or the unconscious me? 

I honestly hadn't thought about it, but when I do I think it's kind of amazing the things I am doing when I was depressed for so long.  I know not physically ill, or bedridden, but the depression was disabling.  It has all but disappeared since maybe a month or two into taper.  Maybe I was clinically depressed I don't know, never took anti-depressants, I just lost interest in almost everything I loved.

I have spurts of feeling on cloud nine now, almost better than I ever felt about life, in my life.  I guess that's different than you are feeling about your walks @[WU...] but I just hope and hope for your continues recovery because that I believe is what it is.  Maybe it's hard to recognize after feeling so bad for so long Like, is this even really me, or is this actually happening ♥️

[[Pi...]]

I do actually agree with you. Problem is there are things in life that can't wait. I had to get a lot of dental work done last year. First appointment I left the office before we even got started. Very embarrassing to say the least. The anxiety was just too overwhelming. By the 10th visit I did OK not great but it was no where near as bad as that first appointment. All this happened over a 3 1/2 month period and ended at 7 months CT.  Hard to say everyone's different. But even with a messed up nervous brain exposure did produce some tolerance to the situation. We can still learn new things so maybe its like a v8 that fires on 7 cylinders? Still runs but not well. Every person needs to do what works for them I guess. Glad you are progressing.

[[or...]]

I know I get repetitive with sharing this, but I just was amazed by what I learned from this one article by someone name Parker that evidently went through a lot, and shared a lot of amazing information.  I think it's a good thread to put it on, the link for it, because if there was anything I needed, and still need help with, it's my brain, so here's the link:  What is happening in your brain?

Edited January 26 by [or...]

[[wi...]]

2 hours ago, [[o...] said:

I know I get repetitive with sharing this, but I just was amazed by what I learned from this one article by someone name Parker that evidently went through a lot, and shared a lot of amazing information.  I think it's a good thread to put it on, the link for it, because if there was anything I needed, and still need help with, it's my brain, so here's the link:  What is happening in your brain?

Oh how I miss seeing Parker around here.  I'm sure she is living a full and beautiful life.

She is an incredibly smart and caring person. That article is priceless.

 

[[or...]]

1 minute ago, [[w...] said:

Oh how I miss seeing Parker around here.  I'm sure she is living a full and beautiful life.

She is an incredibly smart and caring person. That article is priceless.

Oh man I don't know why I thought all this time Parker was a guy you can't really tell from some of the posts but anyway you knew her how wonderful because that article she wrote or post that she wrote was so meaningful it's still so meaningful for me I read it every once in awhile I wish she'd come back and let us know how she's doing

[[...]]

7 hours ago, [[o...] said:

Oh man I don't know why I thought all this time Parker was a guy you can't really tell from some of the posts but anyway you knew her how wonderful because that article she wrote or post that she wrote was so meaningful it's still so meaningful for me I read it every once in awhile I wish she'd come back and let us know how she's doing

@[or...], me too)

i even translated parts of the writing by Parker and posted it on my local forum. And "my" people are grateful for this. It's really precious. 

Edited January 27 by [...]

[[or...]]

It so helped to learn the parts of the brain, and what their function is.  It made so much more sense when wanting to try other things to help me through wd, I just learn a lot, but have to go back and read again.  It's like a text-book to be used over and over I wish I knew others that want to know about benzos and the damage they do.  I have a friend that simple said "I couldn't live without my C" and I remember feeling exactly the same   It's a lie our brain tells us, and by the way, I slept so good lastnight!!  Like sort of a normal person, LOL!!

[[or...]]

16 hours ago, [[P...] said:

I do actually agree with you. Problem is there are things in life that can't wait. I had to get a lot of dental work done last year. First appointment I left the office before we even got started. Very embarrassing to say the least. The anxiety was just too overwhelming. By the 10th visit I did OK not great but it was no where near as bad as that first appointment. All this happened over a 3 1/2 month period and ended at 7 months CT.  Hard to say everyone's different. But even with a messed up nervous brain exposure did produce some tolerance to the situation. We can still learn new things so maybe its like a v8 that fires on 7 cylinders? Still runs but not well. Every person needs to do what works for them I guess. Glad you are progressing.

I read this again and am feeling a little better today, a lot better I should say   I am grateful for the "have to do's" in my life because I still will do the my version of "have to's".  I don't want to have anyone doing them for me, good thing because I sure don't   I think we are shown we are stronger than we think when we complete a task we felt we couldn't but sort of "automatic piloted through it" then I feel so good about still being able.

I'm far from being a fearless person, and sometimes curling up in a ball and crying can actually be therapeutic, but I hope I never give up on the small amount of tasks and the few and far between tasks that must be done in my life, oregonlady, thanks so much for your input

[[WU...]]

My third day out walking for 30 mins or so. Stroked a ginger three-legged cat and spoke to the owner of a Jack Russell/King Charles crossbreed, very unusual features and very friendly, the dog that is, not the owner (who seemed nice enough).  It was very bright and sunny today so must have set off my nervous system as head has gone really weird again. Strange as when I am walking I don't feel too bad, just hits me when get home again. It is so frustrating as I want to run when I get outside but my brain won't let me.

[[or...]]

4 minutes ago, [[W...] said:

My third day out walking for 30 mins or so. Stroked a ginger three-legged cat and spoke to the owner of a Jack Russell/King Charles crossbreed, very unusual features and very friendly, the dog that is, not the owner (who seemed nice enough).  It was very bright and sunny today so must have set off my nervous system as head has gone really weird again. Strange as when I am walking I don't feel too bad, just hits me when get home again. It is so frustrating as I want to run when I get outside but my brain won't let me.

Oh what good news @wu wei, look at what you are accomplishing!!  This is proof for the rest of us the healing does happen (or windows).  I feel they are the same thing, just my opinion.  Nothing like getting to be around animals, I do the same thing sometimes even forget about the owner although always courteous so I can pet the dog or kitty. 

I had a little dog, but I don't have her any longer, and she was such a therapeutic little thing, she needed me, and I needed her.  I don't have a dog again as I am to afraid to be honest.  I want to be sure I am good for a pet, many have not had good homes and I want to be certain of that before I have another.  My little dog was so pampered, like a much loved child she was.  I can be that again ♥️♥️♥️

I have a feeling the walks are so helping you, even if it doesn't seem to last!  Don't give up when you have to rest again, or get back into pain, try to see if there is any improvement at all and look to that to confirm you are healing ♥️

 

[[dj...]]

20 hours ago, [[W...] said:

@[Pi...] "The brain may heal faster like a muscle gets stronger if you put gradual stress on it."

Personally I don't think so in our case. We don't have psychological issues, we have physical limitations down to altering the way our senses perceive things. My agoraphobia for the last 11 months was not true agoraphobia, it was my senses being too overstimulated by everything outside, the light, the sounds, cars etc, all too much. I don't think graded exposure will help at all. I think one day the brain just decides it is time to do something and then we will just do it naturally. 

This is correct.  Our GABA receptors and likely a lot of downstream channels are compromised.  You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to go run a 100m sprint would you?  Or even jog 50m?  No.  If someone is really agoraphobic due to benzo withdrawal, don’t push it.  
 

Very few therapists understand this by the way.  They don’t buy into the fact that part of your brain can actually be broken.  It’s no different than dopamine receptors being jacked up with Parkinson’s.  You can’t use CBT to teach Parkinson’s Patients how to control their movements.  You can teach them how to cope better with their illness though.  Same applies here. 
 

Dr Jennifer Leigh advises against exposure therapy for this same reason…or at least be very careful with it.  Chances are it won’t be helpful.  If it doesn’t go well, it could create a deeper fear.  Also, the dopamine reward system can get really messed up with a benzo injury.  So even if you did get through something, there is a chance you would feel little sense of pleasure or reward.  Instead, you may just recall how awful the experience was.  I know that’s one of my problems.  

[[dj...]]

40 minutes ago, [[W...] said:

My third day out walking for 30 mins or so. Stroked a ginger three-legged cat and spoke to the owner of a Jack Russell/King Charles crossbreed, very unusual features and very friendly, the dog that is, not the owner (who seemed nice enough).  It was very bright and sunny today so must have set off my nervous system as head has gone really weird again. Strange as when I am walking I don't feel too bad, just hits me when get home again. It is so frustrating as I want to run when I get outside but my brain won't let me.

So you really didn’t leave the house for 11 months?  I’m pretty agoraphobic.  But I also have two kids and it forced me out of the house.  That at least made me develop a habit of leaving the house, but it hasn’t made it easy.  
 

I’ve had many stretches of 2-3 days where I’ve stayed in but I’ll make myself at least get in the car and drive around the neighborhood or go to the grocery store or something.  In the summer, I’d go to our community pool.  I can’t go on walks due to benzo related muscle issues though.  If I could I’d be doing that all the time.