My story and hello, multiple tapers and feeling so scared

[[Bu...]]

Hello,

I was prescribed about 20 pills of Ativan in late 2018 for anxiety after I stopped breastfeeding and had to go to work. Should have never taken them! I took them super sparingly and then stopped. I woke up that night in the middle of night with the terror, I had never experienced it before so I ran to the hospital. They put me on zoplicone. Another horror story - 2 hour half life! YIKES! I then saw a psych who pieced it together a got me on 5mg of Valium. I tapered that for about 14 months and had no issues! The terror and disgust abated around 2.5 mg. Because I was terrified of terror and pacing etc. I never jumped. I stayed at 0.25mg for almost 1.5 years. Stupid yes, but I never wanted to feel that terror again. 
 

Covid rolls around and I get my second booster, and back it comes, that sick grating horrific terror, unable to watch TV, just weeping all day long, sleep leaves - you know the drill. So I panic in my bathroom and take 15mg of Valium - more that I’ve ever taken. Terror goes from 900 to 100 and I start sleeping again. I had been without sleep for almost 3 weeks at this point and was barely holding it together as a mom. 
 

I start tapering the Valium again, so so angry with myself. This was in 2022. I get to 6mg and the terror just stops. Im just fine again. Back to myself. Cooking, making cakes, gardening etc. I kept tapering and was totally fine until I had to sub old pills for liquid in November. I made a 60% updose and decrease by accident. It was horrible. On Nov 16 I woke up with the terror again, exactly 14 days after the updose. I was so so so sad. I held out for 9 weeks trying to stabalize but I couldn’t do. So I’ve updosed back to 3mg to try and get my life back together. I am working with a really knowledgeable provider (Nicole Lambertson) so do the updose correctly so I don’t take more than I need, but damn I am feeling so defeated and scared that this updose won’t work. I don’t know what one does in that situation. It seems to be about 5% better today but still I’m terrified. Thanks for having me 

 

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Bu...],

I am so sorry for everything you've been through.  This is such a tough process sometimes.

It sounds like you've got a great provider that you trust now; that's awesome.  And probably half the battle done right there!  It sounds like a good plan.   And that you're feeling a little better today, is I think, a really good sign that you're moving in the right direction.  If it were me, I would just work the plan and see how it goes.  I know that's hard though but we're all here for you! ❤

Sending you hugs today. 

[[Bu...]]

@[Bu...] thank you. I feel like such a failure and I am SO scared right now. I just want to be a good mom and not feel like this anymore. It’s inhumane to me that a human can feel so horrific. Anyways, I’m trying to hang in there it’s just so so tough ❤️‍🩹

[[Bu...]]

@[Bu...],

You are definitely not a failure!  Anyone who is willing to face this head-on as you are is the exact opposite of a failure.  This is hard, but you are doing it.  And that your priority is being a good mom, makes you a great mom already.

[[Bu...]]

@[Bu...] thank  you ❤️😮‍💨

Edited January 24 by [Bu...]

[Guest [...]]

Please try not to judge yourself so harshly @[Bu...]

You are still a good mom, you are just sick! 

Even if those around you all ‘truly’ understood what you were going through… you would still most likely experience that self judgement. We are too harsh on ourselves. We need to avoid doing that. We don’t deserve it.

We need to be our own best friend. ❤️

[[Bu...]]

@[Wi...] I am just so so so upset I am damaged beyond repair. I don’t see many who have tried to come off more than once or who were too scared when they felt FINE to do it. I’ve truly done this to myself and that’s the hard pill to swallow. I am just devestated. If this updosing does not work I don’t know what I will do 😮‍💨

[Guest [...]]

I’ll tell you a story @[Bu...]

My mother was prescribed Xanax in 2009 after having to nurse my father before his eventual passing. She would quickly reach tolerance and gradually reached a dose of around 10mg per day. Over the following years until January 2022 she was switched from one Benzodiazepine to another (all short half life benzos) and went through interdose withdrawals for years. She was also polydrugged with multiple antidepressants and antipsychotics alongside other various medications. No doctor had any idea what was going on with her and their only answer was to continue to force feed all these medications one after another. Before I discovered what was happening, she had had 5 suicide attempts (overdoses) each culminating in hospital stays in a coma where she was obviously c/t’d to flush her system. After each c/t, she was pumped full of the same or similar medications only to end up in the same situation… until the very last time she overdosed and was c/t’d, after which the benzo was not reintroduced. 

She is still on a couple of antidepressants, but everything else has gradually been removed since Jan 2022. After 2 years she now only experiences short waves of depression with plenty of windows and loving life again. She lives a normal outgoing life (although not completely recovered just yet) and my sister and I can barely believe the woman we see now, compared to the woman we had all but said our goodbyes to 2 years ago. 

I hope this hasn’t scared you, as it’s intention is to encourage you.

You WILL get through this process and resume a happy life again, full of light and love. ❤️ 

 

[[Bu...]]

@[Wi...] thank you sharing your mom’s story. I am so so sorry that ever happened to her. I am glad she is free today. 
 

thank you for the kind words. I had really planned to jump in 2020, but then my dad died and Covid hit and I just wanted to be a mom. I would be 4 years out if I had just done it. I feel like I’ve prolonged my agony so so much and have just been avoidant of Withdrawl and what it entails. Now I am in very deep and I am very very scared. Lots of self beating over here tonight. I want nothing in the world more than to get better. Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️‍🩹

[Guest [...]]

Thank you @[Bu...]

You are welcome. 

Get yourself settled and just go low and slow with your reductions to keep yourself as functional as possible. It’s just one day at a time, but you will acclimate somewhat to not feeling well and experiencing various symptoms. 

We are all here on the forum to comfort and support each other through this process. You are never alone. ❤️

[[Bu...]]

@[Wi...] thank you. I’m just trying to updose to place of functionality which is very scary as there is no guarantee it will work, although I do feel maybe 5% better tonight. I had such a smooth taper and then made that giant 60% reduction when I was at 1.5mg it just ROCKED me. I held and held but I need to be able to look after kiddos, I am praying with every ounce of my being that this updose works and then I can micro taper to freedom. I hope I have one Hail Mary left in the bag. I am very frayed these days and sleep has been non existent for 9 weeks. I am feeling very fragile and have so many horrific symptoms ✨ 

[Guest [...]]

@[Bu...]

Like @[Bu...] said… it’s a good sign that you are feeling that 5% better. It can take considerable  time to stabilise, so just keep that in mind. It took me a 3 months ‘hold’ once to stabilise, and after that the 5% reductions were so much more tolerable. 10% was too much for me. 

Edited January 24 by Guest

[[Bu...]]

@[Wi...] yes, I held for 2 months after the big reduction and it was just far too much for me personally. Being non functional as a mom isn’t the best. Yes today and tonight have been 5% less intense. So fingers crossed! 

[Guest [...]]

Yes… it’s important you stay functional. I don’t have those same responsibilities to others that you have, so it’s even more important for you to take your taper at the right pace. 

Keep us updated with any improvements, @[Bu...]. 🫂

Edited January 24 by Guest