Any Advice Appreciated - I AM Begging

[[Da...]]

Hi All,  As Real and Open as it Gets...Please Help 

I shared my post on another thread and am looking for advice on how to taper.  I was on Clonazepam 1mg 2X Daily for about 22 years with 2-4 cold turkeys in between - man I wish I had stuck with those!  Was also on Clonodine for 3 years and Zopliclone for 10 years (Shouldn't that be enough to knock a horse down?  Maybe but not 96lbs me  ).  I went to rehab for 2 weeks 7 months ago for what was supposed to be a 7 week taper.  While there, they switched me completely from 1mg 2X Day Clonazepam to Diazepam 7 mg 2XDay, (another Cold Turkey) they took the Clonodine away, (yet another cold turkey) and added Seroquel and Lyrica......this was my first experience with depersonalization/derealization - very scary!  I left after 2 weeks and stopped the Lyrica and the Seroquel.  The Clonodine was already gone.  

Once home,  My Psychiatrist put me back on Clonazepam 1 MG 2X Daily while having me try other meds...zoloft, Wellbutrin, risperidone....which of course did not work and because I was only on them a short time told me to stop.  He said I had to reach a stable level to start weaning, which is impossible with kindling and tolerance. (Something he doesn't believe in)  The only way was to possibly switch to a higher dose of a more potent Benzo as it appears Clonazepam has run its course.  (I'm thinking I  may as well try Heroin, apparently it's easier to withdraw from! Kidding!)  So,  I tried to taper myself once again, cutting and trying different rates over a two week periods for 6 weeks.  The problem is since that one day when I woke up with crippling anxiety and fear, I have not been stable on anything.  I am guessing it's been 8 months now that I have been non-functional with extreme withdrawals.  I am talking about extreme fear of seeing someone outside, going ANYWHERE, answering calls, checking email, watching tv even seeing my daughter who is away at college (Please, if you can, explain why I am terrified to see or talk to even my own family...is it shame? Guilt? Has anyone else experienced this?  I feel like a sociopath!).  In addition, I have severe anhedonia and apathy that I am told may or may not go away.  There is a good YouTube video that explains what's is happening in the brain so I know I am not in control of this.  I have not been out of the house in months, haven't socialized, my husband, who can no longer sustain his level of support, (he is 10 yers older than me) has been doing everything.  I even had to give him power of attorney to sell a property of mine as I cannot even think about day to day activities.  Showering, eating, getting dressed is a struggle and I no longer care about how I look.  My normal day (with the exception of today and yesterday) consists of getting out of bed at around 9 AM then returning to the bedroom by 11 AM, staring into space, rocking from side to side praying for God to take me, with  a continuous reel playing in my head of every bad thing, perceived or real, I did since as far back as I can remember, (and I have a very deep memory bank,) playing over and over telling me I deserved this torture. My body is in a constant stake of shaking, migraines are back, sinuses are bad (MRI showed a polyp on Paranasal Cavity) I can't read, watch tv or engage in any activity except read and research different things that may give me some answers.   I literally have myself pushed into a black hole of the Most horrible person ever!  I have aged 20 years overnight with a 30lb weight loss!  I had digestion issues since I was a kid tho.  I decided that since I was already in HELL, I may as well start again and I stopped the midday dose of 1 MG Clonazepam.  That was 5 or 7 Days ago.  I don't feel any worse because of it, if anything I feel a tad better as I am able to sit and write this post as well as numerous others today and yesterday.  I also managed to call one of my sisters who I hadn't talked to in months.  My family and friends are so worried and I feel guilty for that too.  

The problem is, I haven't been stable for months and months...with the kindling and tolerance.  I am literally 1 step away from needing full time care.  I know there are other medical issues going on; I have Chronic Small Vessel Disease as shown on MRI (I paid for a private one) so I have to wait for a referral to Neurologist to see what is going on.  I don't know where to go from here.  There seems to be no way to get myself stable unless I try other medications so, some questions are:  do I hold and wait for anything physical that might be contributing to the severity of the symptoms and treat that first or should I keep going with the taper as it is doing nothing for me anyway?  If I hold at 1mg it will be over a month hold or two, (possibly more) as I await results of other tests.   If I should continue with the taper, as I think I should, how should I go about it?  I would need precise help as my brain is putty and fog.  The problem with holding is that I am never at a functional or stable place.  The Pharmacist, who has been a doll throughout this suggests that the Seroquel might help stabilize me as she knows that 1. I have no response from the current dosage of Clonazepam and 2. she knows how hard I am trying to get off it.  She has been with me from the start.  She said Effexor is also on my file and thinks that might help but she would help me wean off that.  With her telling me it, too has to be weaned slowly, I am scared though I know many people who have great luck with Effexor and do not care if they take it forever because it makes them feel human.  The pharmacist also said she is not worried about Seroquel and would rather see me take that for a while than to increase the Benzo.  Increasing the Benzo is NOT going to happen.  I worked in the field of MH myself, and I have yet to see someone in the shape I am in.  One lady only in the hospital, who is my age and they are not sending her home, she has to go to assisted living (she's on benzes too)!  I am kinda, no not kinda, VERY lost on what to do next.  I cannot get the reels to stop playing, I cannot stop the emotional/psychological experiences especially Anhedonia, I cannot take hiding from my daughter,  and I cannot take not being well enough to leave to give my husband his life back.  If I were to return to the hospital they would be recommending long term care I am sure because I cannot do anything.  It is being stuck on a ferris wheel that has no stop switch.  Is there any hope, given I have no baseline for stability?  How many years will this drag out?  Has ANYONE been at this level.  Remember this was BEFORE I cut by half.  If you any advice, experience on any of the points I made please, please share.  Sorry for the long post.  I may be wrong but I am gathering that everyone here who is doing a taper, has a reference point for stability and their body is guiding them.  I am scared of where my body and mind is guiding me.  I only have you guys now.  TY all so much!

 

 

Edited January 11 by [Da...]

[[Bo...]]

I read your post. You have a lot going on. I dont have any magic to offer but I do want you to know that you are not alone. I am new here so I hesitate to offer any advise. I hope one of the more  knowledgeable people see your post and can offer something. Even if its a different forum. Peace Daniel

[[Be...]]

You do have alot going on there and sadly I don't have any real advice but I can say that the way you have described things there has helped me alot as I've struggled for a long long time to explain what is going on in my mind. Ive recently joined BB and like I said I dont have alot of advice but I do feel there is hope in getting off benzos. Ive been using them for 30 plus years and more recently ive become more and more unstable in a mental sense. I wish you the best and I know someone will have some advice to help you regain some control.