Do you become fragile?

[[ph...]]

I’m approaching 11 months off and if there’s any difference I can tell about myself now compared to the beginning of this, I’m extremely fragile now.

I used to NEVER cry, would even get frustrated with myself for it, but now I cannot go a single day without bawling my eyes out. Every single day. I’ve cried my eyes out in front of people because of the way their tone of voice changed. I’ve cried in front of every. single. coworker that I have. I’ve cried my eyes out in the bathroom because I was the last one finished when we were closing the store. I cry every single time I drive home. 

I no longer have any energy throughout the day and all I can do is lay in bed. Even in acute, I would workout for 2 hours a DAY and it was the one and only thing I had going for me. Now I haven’t worked out in over a month now and I’m really afraid to lose my strength as that’s the LAST thing I have.

I was building up so much confidence a little over a year ago, and now it’s completely nonexistent and actually worse than before. I was super funny and interesting in conversation and now I can hardly even follow alone, let alone keep eye contact. I can’t talk to my friends without apologizing and giving them my withdrawal disclaimer. There was a time I actually wanted to get out of bed and now su*cide is on my mind 24/7. It’s painful.

When you finally heal from this, do you come out the other end a more fragile, less confident person?

I think this is something I don’t see people mention. Are you more fragile now? Are you less independent? Is life less worth living after you survive this?

I guess what I want to know is if it’s worth it to make it to the other side. Because from the looks of it, time has only made things worse.

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[ph...],

I am so sorry for everything you're dealing with.  You really helped me yesterday when I was so down, so hopefully I can return the favor.  I know I'm not healed yet, but I can speak to now and I can speak to the past.  Right now I feel very fragile, too.  I find myself crying at everything.  Most of the time I'm not sure exactly why I'm crying.  And I'm tired.  So very tired.  Sometimes conversations go well, but often I find myself feeling like a spectator, even when I'm talking.  And then I wonder what I said and was it weird? 

But then I remind myself of a couple of things.  First, I have talked with people in the past who have been in a similar spot.  People dealing with a trauma who also seemed not quite themselves and in pain and I did not think less of them for it.  Indeed, they have my admiration for facing such a thing.  Second, experience tells me that this will change.  Everything else has.  I talked about the auto-immune disease that I thought I had and how I learned to live with it.  And I did learn to live with it.  While I am angry about the (probable) misdiagnosis, those were not wasted or even bad years.  I certainly didn't get everything I wanted out of life but as you reminded me, my life isn't over yet.

I think these drugs do a number on us and as time moves on, for me anyway, the depression takes more of a forward role.  I think this is because as I leave the acute stage behind, I have more time to think.  And as my brain heals, it starts connecting dots that it couldn't during acute and then the fall-out begins.  It's like surviving any trauma, you get through the first emergency part and then grief over the loss sets in.  And grief is exhausting.  So, please give yourself more time. 

I do think life will be good after this.  For every other horrible thing that has ever happened to me there was, eventually, tremendous growth.  And there were plenty of times in my life when I thought I would never be happy again, but I was always wrong.  I had to have been happy to miss it.  When I am being very, very honest with myself, I wouldn't go back and change those things if I could.  They made me who I am.  And if you are tempted to think that you don't like who you are, I will head that one off right now.  You helped me tremendously with your wisdom, perspective and kindness.  So, I know that I don't know you, but I think that alone makes you a pretty impressive person.