I seriously need guidance: stuck mid switch and I don’t know how to go on

[[Id...]]

Title says it.

 I can’t take more diazepam.
 

It makes me feel bad. Anhedonic to the point I don’t care even about taper. I don’t care, I am unable to prepare food (for weeks since my last updosing) almost no appetite, few little hungry fits that will become worse I suppose. Tired almost couch bound but unable to sleep.

My history is on profile but 4 years in wd and really severely kindled.

Currently on 4,5 diazepam and 1,8 lormetazepam (similar, slightly worse than ambien).

The two meds are unevenly spread because I needed to stabilize and in my peculiar case that means to sleep. I know it’s not in any schedule but I needed it so much and I don’t regret I did it. It allowed me to come back to my right mind, sleep a bit and have a couple of “normal” hours in the morning.

morning 2 mg Dia - afternoon 2,5 Diaz- night 1,8 lorazepam 

What to do? I hoped to stabilize enough to take care of health problems I left behind but I wasn’t able 

Do I taper from two benzodiazepine?

my fear is to go back to chemical terror not being able to express myself and I am alone (friends demonstrate to be an added weight and of no help).

 I am trying to find a neurologist (to try to avoid to be almost instituted like last time, but I don’t know how much this help and I am so tired to explain, educate about it) psychiatrist just throw pills and diagnoses at you (at least where I live. I have tried so many times) and I just had a situational insomnia at the beginning of this.

Thanks

[[ve...]]

It makes no sense to me to take a dose for a long lasting benzodiazepine more than once daily.  One should suffice.  Why not take all the Diazepam at night and slow taper the lorazepam?

Edited December 22, 2023 by [ve...]

[[Id...]]

Hi @[ve...], thanks a lot for your reply. 

I take two doses because I go in inter dose withdrawal I think (symptoms starts to roar before my first dose; and because after I got ct almost to death I reinstated to survive with wrong advices from doctors. than I met this place and I was pointed to Ashton schedules that starts with three daily doses. I went from semi vegetative to being able to function better) and is hellish enough I’m not being delicate.

 I have tried to take diazepam at night but it seems to keep me awake (probably… sorry I can’t find words anymore, when reaction is the opposite of what is supposed to be).

 I know the schedule is messed up but it is what let me sleep a little bit and have a couple of functioning hours in the morning so I can do what I need to do because I am alone and have no choice.

2 mg Diaz at 11 when symptoms starts to get bad; and I am mostly not functional after that 

2,5 Diaz at 16 to not keep me too awake at night 

1,8 Lor at 20 and if get lucky I sleep not much but what helps me 

 I think I can try again to postpone diazepam as long as I can. 

I am open to every suggestions 

Edited December 22, 2023 by [Id...]

[[An...]]

Hi @[Id...]

I took a look at your profile and read your benzo history. I am sorry you are feeling so crappy. It does sound like you don't tolerate valium well. Exactly, how long have you been on the lorazepam? Your history says you have been taking this from a very young age. Did you start it to treat anxiety? Were you on 2 mgs of the lorazepam and have only been able to reduce 2/10s? How long have you been on the 4.5 mgs of valium? 

[[Id...]]

Thanks a lot @[An...] for your answer also.

Yes I got exposed since my early teens (so for more than 20 years) but it is never been continuative. I never received info about risks and was continuously prescrive by my gp.

My only problem was and always has been till today a situational insomnia (violent relatives: I tried to get away but it isn’t possible in this state and probably will never be if I can’t work).

Things changed 1st nov 2019 when I got hit like a truck with sudden pains (never knew what it was that but it was over the scale bad, now they eased). I started to take it daily always for insomnia now helped by pains. I refused the opioids I was offered without a plan because “don’t you know how addictive they are?” in my country this memo never arrived, but I read international news daily.
 

Lormetazepam didn’t work anymore but I thought I was staying awake because of the pain. I spent two years in full blown crazy wd it is a blur but I remember I was taking a large dose (5/6 mg) every few days (after that I was able to sleep a bit-> then I felt better so I thought the “barely here again” was because of sleeping) it got so bad I wasn’t lucid anymore and I felt often on brink of death. When I realized something I asked for help to a doctor that made his career about benzo help, and got fully switched to clonazepam (I don’t remember the dose but wasn’t huge).
 

That was the end of it. I stopped sleeping, eating I arrived to take 30 mg Lor daily for days just to barely stay alive while waiting for a place in the specialized hospital where I stayed for weeks. Poli drugged (and over 100 mg daily lormetazepam to stabilize) with everything under the sun and more I went full “pshychiatric”. That went horribly as you can imagine.

Nothing worked to make me sleep I weaned off everything but was forced to return to lormetazepam because I was left without guidance and sleep for months. When situation started to repeat the the first doctor switched me again to clonazepam and same story (43kg for 170 cm). again urgently spent weeks into the hospital.

There I almost died of CT for days. I wasn’t even able to recognize my native home and so many seizures even if I was on anti seizure meds. All of this alone. For 9 months I went on trying to convert again a bit of lormetazepam to clonazepam all this still bed bounded but I wasn’t even able to go over 0,5 because I was continuously crashing.

 I met benzo buddies I wasn’t even able to set up an account and type anymore at the end of the rope, and I learned about diazepam and Ashton. That went better and I was able to slowly switch starting the beginning of October 2023 (from 4 lormetazepam; 0,5 clonazepam to 1,8 lor/4,5 diaz) and become enough better to be able to talk and take a bit care of myself again a bit functional but with load of trauma. I am in “heaven” compared to last 4 years.

Last really slow diaz updose was 3 week ago (then depression and no appetite started to worry me).

Sorry it was long I didn’t know how else to respond my ability to summarize went lost with other neurological fine things 

 

Edited December 22, 2023 by [Id...]

[[An...]]

OIC, thanks @[Id...]. Lormetazepam is not approved in the US.

Are you forced to live with these violent relatives?  I am surprised the valium updose gave you insomnia and loss of appetite. Do you think if you could somehow get off all benzos and recover from the w/d, you would feel better?

[[Id...]]

 

On 22/12/2023 at 20:27, [[A...] said:

Are you forced to live with these violent relatives? 

No, thanks for worrying, I would never survive that; but they found their dishonest ways and now they own the place I live in and they use it for their schemes (hurt me and others). Unfortunately this is not even benzo induced paranoia: it was like that before and with some deaths of people who knew the truth during pandemic it just became worse.

Last two days I took 2 mg more of diazepam and intra dose wd got better but I’m so seriously depressed and tired now that seriously seems not useful to type nor bother anymore.

Physically, let alone normal wd symptoms that are better now, it seems exactly like I am 105 years old and if I am “rushed” like to prepare a small bag or put away groceries I became like a person with dementia. Everything is hard like if I lived 100 meters under water, that is if fear don’t set in, otherwise is indescribable. I can’t really plan anything and I am so isolated here.

On 22/12/2023 at 20:27, [[A...] said:

Do you think if you could somehow get off all benzos and recover from the w/d, you would feel better?

This is such a careful and thoughtful question! I somehow really doubt I can recover, outside “benzo lies” our brain tell us, I have never seen a story with someone who was put on such high doses (if someone knows better please let me know, please!). A good thing is I have never craved it so one problem less.

There was just one thing I wanted in life and time ran out for that (now I am crying). This seems enough. There is even a time limit for a qualification in the job I loved but I am so lost I don’t desire that anymore even if the love is still here untouched (physically and mentally is crushing and I already gave more than I had in those departments with this benzo accident).

To go back to taper problem I think I’ll try to squeeze times and arrive at one daily dose. With 2 mg more seems feasible and maybe try to use the liquid dose that, maybe, with being absorbed faster could kick a little of sleep now that wd is less -> if someone knows something that could be problematic with this (one dose, liquid form) please intervene.

Thank you!

Edited December 24, 2023 by [Id...]
Spelling

[[Id...]]

 

Edited December 24, 2023 by [Id...]