I need a fast taper ( no option )

[[Ta...]]

Hi there! 

I am new here, and I just wanted to maybe get some advice, as your experiences may help me alot. I am very greatful for all help I can get. 

My situation: 

I have been on different benzos for 9 years, but my daily dose for the last two years have been 10-20 mg Valium daily. Some days I take much more, if something I hate ( absolutely everything that gives me anxiety ). Then I can easily take 40-50 mg. But I have no problems returning to my "normal" dosage after a week or so, on higher doses. 

To put it this way: My "needed" dose is 10 mg. My comfort-dose is 20. But I will start my taper from 10 mg ( It has been like this for a long time, and I can get all the way down to 5 mg without problems. But there seems to be a limit arround 5 mg daily. That seems to be the spot where I start feeling symptoms. However: I do not understand why this seem to vary so much from attempt to attempt. 

Once I was reduced from 60 mg - 0 mg by a doctor who is concidered one of the best in this field, and you do not read this wrong: She reduced my dosage with 5 mg every third day. So it took me a little over a month to do this, and my "finishing dosage" was 5 mg. Not 0.5, no microtapering or nothing. I went from 5 mg to 0 mg, and that was that. 

You are probably thinking I ended up in hell, seizures and all other horrible symptoms, but I felt more or less none? I was just stupid enough to start back on them 1 month later, and this was more cravings. I functioned much better ( less anxiety etc ) that month, than I do for example now. 

I am now in a situation where I have a new doctor, and she has absolutely no knowlegde about benzo`s or tapering. So I need to use the medications I have now, and make a new plan. The medication sure as hell does not help me at this point. I sometimes even wonder if they are "fake", but it is the fear of the fear. But the truth is that I hate them, they make me very negative and depressed, and I hate feeling and being like that. I REALLY want to stop taking them, and thinking back, my anxiety is way, way worse now than when I did not use any medications. They only make me feel "normal". They give me nothing besides that, and sometimes I need to count to check if I took my medication, or if I forgot. 

I will not get refilled my prescription, and honestly: I don`t want too neither. 

My options now are: 
1) I do the same as with the fast, though success-tapering, and I will have 10 remaining pills in my emergency/backup-thing. Many of you will probably recognize the psychological importance of having some, in case of emergency. Ironically, in my case, that will make the fast taper much easier ( because if it gets too bad, you know they are just meters away from you ). 

2) I use absolutely everything I have, pulverize and microdose for the next 10 years, but that is just not realistic for me. A looooong taper will always make me feel like I am in a process, "sick", and of course, there always comes things that makes me boost my dosage. Life always happens, and as you probably understand, I am not very positive about this solution. Now I sound like the doctor everybody hates, hehe.

It also strikes me as interesting that I read SO MUCH about seizures on internet, but I have only heard of such in real life when people go cold turkey from extreme doses. So I am curious about the definition: Is it possible that many people confuse tremor, anxiety attacks with seizures? I mean the definition of the words. Because when I think seizure, I think for example Gran Mal epileptic seizure. What is your personal definition? And have you experienced it? I have, but that was because of alcohol. ( Gran mal ). I do not want to experience it again, even though I can not remember it. But I can sometimes feel/imagine I am about to have a seizure ( though it never happens ), in general. For example sometimes if I look at the stars or very tall things, or from heights and down. It`s like a numb/dizzy feeeling. 

I write as I seem to know everything, but I don`t. There is a hidden question-mark behind every sentence. Therefore, I would be extremely grateful for ALL answers and ALL experiences. Because I am a little in the dark here. 

- Have you tapered fast, after long-term use, with success and no mentionable symptoms?

- What is a seizure, by your definition?

- Why does stopping medication like Valium seem to be an enormous spectrum for doctors? Often totally opposite solutions. For example the specialist that reduced my dosage with 5 mg every third day, is famous for her knowlegde in this field. And so is Dr Ashton. But, it went alright ( DON`T take this as personal advice, I was in a hospital when doing it ). But still, it went alright. I was just stupid enough to wanting to relax when I discovered I had a pack, one month after day zero. It was no wild craving or "almost seizure". It was more like quitting smoking, and getting to the point where you don`t even want a cigarette, but what the heck. It was so easy stopping anyway. Stupid, I know. 

- What do you think about my plan? 

I must also mention that I am in a much better condition physically now, than when I did the fast taper with sucess. And I have experienced MORE symptoms in other situations, when reducing to 5 mg, than I ever did with the fast taper. For example the electrical helmet ( many of you understand what I mean ), feeling weird.

I am very grateful for all inputs. Sorry for being a bit all over the place. I write as I think, so it`s just the way my head is, I guess. :) 

 

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[Ta...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I probably won’t be able to answer all of your questions but I’ll give jump in there with a couple of possible answers. 

My first thought was you may be dealing with kindling, your past use and cessations went just fine but over time that can change but you’re the best person to judge if this is appropriate in your case. https://www.benzoinfo.com/kindling/   If your body has crossed the line into kindling then I would suggest a slow taper, reducing according to Professor Ashtons schedule or even slower depending on your symptoms.  Using them to guide your reductions can help keep you functional.

Seizures are rare unless you have a history of them, at least that’s what I’ve seen here so I wouldn’t worry about them if you’re tapering.

I hope others will stop by to address some of your other concerns.

Pamster

 

[[Ta...]]

1 minute ago, [[P...] said:

Hello @[Ta...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I probably won’t be able to answer all of your questions but I’ll give jump in there with a couple of possible answers. 

My first thought was you may be dealing with kindling, your past use and cessations went just fine but over time that can change but you’re the best person to judge if this is appropriate in your case. https://www.benzoinfo.com/kindling/   If your body has crossed the line into kindling then I would suggest a slow taper, reducing according to Professor Ashtons schedule or even slower depending on your symptoms.  Using them to guide your reductions can help keep you functional.

Seizures are rare unless you have a history of them, at least that’s what I’ve seen here so I wouldn’t worry about them if you’re tapering.

I hope others will stop by to address some of your other concerns.

Pamster

Hello Pamster, and thank you so much for responding quickly and helpfully. I will definitely check out the links you gave me. Highly appreciated. 

[[or...]]

Hi and welcome to the forum @[Ta...], I'm with @[Pa...] and she's helped me get my 9 months into a slow taper from Clonazepam.  I haven't had near the experiences you have with benzos, there's an article I like to recommend that helped me understand about how benzos effect our brains so I just want to add this note with another link you might find helpful.  It's helped me understand the "whys" about how I feel mentally, emotionally, and physically, sending hope and encouragement, Oregonlady

PS here is the link to article and I know it's long, but I believe it's worth your time:

What is happening in your brain