Horrible Intrusive and Stuck Thoughts.

[[Ha...]]

Hello Everyone

I have been dealing with some horribly intrusive stuck thoughts. One in particular. My brain was sifting through my memories and found one I am not very proud of. In fact very ashamed. It has magnified it and blown it out of proportion and throws it at me daily. It has tortured me with it now for weeks. I am getting better at handling it than when first got slammed with it though. It has taken on a life of its own and I dread it. Please tell me I am not alone and others have battled these demons! I am a grown man but break down and cry sometimes because it relentlessly hammers me. Before withdrawal I thought about this incident maybe 6 times in 15 years, now its as if it's catastrophic. I would love some stories to help me know this ends someday. Thanks to all of you wonderfully strong people.

[[Br...]]

Hello @[Ha...] and welcome!

Oh wow, I could have written much of this when I was in the thick of withdrawal.  I was in the grip of the same wretched symptom you describe. Guilt over looping, distorted intrusive memories tormented me all day long relentlessly.  As I healed this eased up, became more sporadic and eventually faded away which is the typical pattern of withdrawal symptoms.  It will end for you too.  One day all of this will be behind you and you will feel like yourself again. Meanwhile, distraction, good self care  and the passing of time are your greatest allies.

The amygdala scrambling to adjust sends out catastrophe alarms indiscriminately. It's like having a broken thermostat. Plus, our brain magnifies everything into massive proportions and we may develop OCD like symptoms such as ruminating obsessive thoughts; .  So all these factors add up to guilt and regret out of all proportion.  Still, when we're in the grip of withdrawal it feels convincing and it's hard to keep perspective. It will let up.  In the meantime,

This is a helpful thread: 

 

Here's what The Ashton Manual says about intrusive memories: https://www.benzoinfo.com/ashtonmanual/chapter3/#intrusive-memories

 

Intrusive Memories

A fascinating symptom in patients undergoing benzodiazepine withdrawal is that they often mention the occurrence of what seem to be intrusive memories. Their minds will suddenly conjure up a vivid memory of someone they have not thought about or seen for years. Sometimes the other person’s face will appear when looking in the mirror. The memory seems uncalled for and may recur, intruding on other thoughts. The interesting thing about these memories is that they often start to occur at the same time that vivid dreams appear; these may be delayed until one or more weeks after the dosage tapering has started. Since recent sleep research indicates that certain stages of sleep (REMS and SWS) are important for memory functions, it is likely that the dreams and the memories are connected. In both cases the phenomena may herald the beginning of a return in normal memory functions and, although sometimes disturbing, can be welcomed as a sign of a step towards recovery.

Poor memory and concentration are also features of benzodiazepine withdrawal, and are probably due to continued effects of the drug. Mentors should be prepared to repeat encouragements again and again, week after week, as their words are soon forgotten.

 

[[ia...]]

@[Ha...] Hi there. You are not alone. I've been off for a few months and still get intrusive thoughts. And... I'm also a recovering opioid addict - and did A LOT of things I'm not proud of when I was using. Lying cheating and stealing does not even begin to cover it. So... these things ALWAYS come up with the intrusive thoughts. Som such shame and guilt comes about. I understand what you're going through. 

When this comes up- I generally remind myself all the good I am doing NOW. All the things I'm working toward now. I also have found that 'clearing the past' helps. Meaning - if I wronged someone or did something I'm not proud of... even if it's ten years later, I go back to that person and apologize. I don't make excuses. I just say... I was not the same person then. I apologize for wronging you... is there anything you want to say or share with me? And allow that person to respond. I don't know if this applies to you - but thought I would share.

[[Ha...]]

Thank you so much. Yes I quit benzo's and alcohol at the same time after being a drinker for my entire life. I have a lot of shame. I wasn't a very good friend to a lot of people who considered me a friend. I did so many crappy things when drinking. There are so many skeletons in my closet. I moved around the country a lot for business and left a wake of friends. All I can do is try and do better now. Treat people kind now and try to live forward. I was a very high functioning alcoholic I guess you could say. I ran multiple companies while drinking heavily. Now I am left with not much but a lot of shame. I closed my last business down 5 months ago due to all the panic attacks and fear I was experiencing, I literally could not work. Now I can only hope my savings carries me through, but its going fast. Anyway I am trying so hard to cope with life without the drinking and everything else. I have always been that person who is in my own head a lot so that doesn't help very much either. I am going to attempt to try a part time job if my body will allow it just so I don't sit home with my thoughts all day and night. I greatly appreciate all your comments. Thank you very much for your post.

Edited November 26, 2023 by [Ha...]

[[An...]]

Yes! I’m an alcoholic as well and quit both at the same time. I can’t stand the intrusive thoughts! I feel so much guilt and that really does a number on my confidence and self-worth. I’m hoping these thoughts get better with time.

[[Ha...]]

Isn't it horrible? Sometimes I feel worthless and other times hopeless. But every now and then I feel that I know deep down I am good. I have been sick for so long I don't know what its like to feel normal. I forgot really. 

[[An...]]

Yes, it’s so awful! I don’t know what it’s like to feel normal either. This crap affects so much that it blows my mind. I keep wondering who I really am and if I even have a personality other than a wet blanket.

[[Ha...]]

Me too. But I try to keep hope. I must believe an incredible life is in front of me. WE must believe that!

[[Ha...]]

On 26/11/2023 at 20:29, [[A...] said:

Yes, it’s so awful! I don’t know what it’s like to feel normal either. This crap affects so much that it blows my mind. I keep wondering who I really am and if I even have a personality other than a wet blanket.

Did your thoughts ever get better? Mine are still beating me down daily?

[[ve...]]

It gets better with time.  I cannot even describe what was in my head without huge trigger warnings.  

The issue with intrusive thoughts is that the more we fight them, the more they stick.  Once we learn not to identify with them, they begin to lose power.  It's tricky at first when there's also the fear of losing control.  Intrusive memories are another thing because they come attached with an emotional and moral component.  They wane over time.

Never underestimate your survival instincts.  Once suicide is discarded as an option, there's only a way out and it's forward.

 

Edited January 7 by [ve...]

[[Ha...]]

20 minutes ago, [[v...] said:

It gets better with time.  I cannot even describe what was in my head without huge trigger warnings.  

The issue with intrusive thoughts is that the more we fight them, the more they stick.  Once we learn not to identify with them, they begin to lose power.  It's tricky at first when there's also the fear of losing control.  Intrusive memories are another thing because they come attached with an emotional and moral component.  They wane over time.

Don't underestimate your survival instincts.  Once suicide is discarded as an option, there's only a way out and it's forward.

First of all , thank so very much for this response. Mine is a memory of a shameful act i did. I have been forgiven but my brain went back and found this thing 15 years ago. It is excruciating. This response helps me understand that we all have them.

[[wi...]]

There’s literally no comfort for me when I’m tormented by the ocd intrusive thoughts. 
 

I know it’s hell on earth . 
Good job reaching out and posting. We’re here for you.

 

[[Ha...]]

Just now, [[w...] said:

There’s literally no comfort for me when I’m tormented by the ocd intrusive thoughts. 
 

I know it’s hell on earth . 
Good job reaching out and posting. We’re here for you.

It is hell on earth. Thank you as I need this today. 

[[wi...]]

Remember you’re not bad person. Our brains are going haywire desperately working towards healing. 
 

The mechanisms involved causing these mental symptoms are way beyond comprehension, especially in our current state. 
 

This will shift. Just hang tight and allow yourself to be right where you are, as best you can.

keep repeating in your Mind or out loud “it’s not me, it’s the drug… it’s just benzo withdrawal “.

“I’m witnessing my brain having thoughts that are scaring me and blaming me, I’m not those thoughts, I am the one witnessing them”.

❤️

[[Ha...]]

6 minutes ago, [[w...] said:

Remember you’re not bad person. Our brains are going haywire desperately working towards healing. 
 

The mechanisms involved causing these mental symptoms are way beyond comprehension, especially in our current state. 
 

This will shift. Just hang tight and allow yourself to be right where you are, as best you can.

keep repeating in your Mind or out loud “it’s not me, it’s the drug… it’s just benzo withdrawal “.

“I’m witnessing my brain having thoughts that are scaring me and blaming me, I’m not those thoughts, I am the one witnessing them”.

❤️

I am hanging tight. Thank you again, I mean it.

[[Mu...]]

I have intrusive thoughts constantly.  All the things I should have done and the things I shouldn't.  Past relationships where I was wrong. People I wronged , unpleasant situations and embarrassment.  At 67 I have plenty,  but never anything pleasant. I have a decent life , a family with grandchildren and while I have seen and experienced wonderful things , it's always the ugly that pops up.

Music60 

[[Ha...]]

Just now, [[M...] said:

I have intrusive thoughts constantly.  All the things I should have done and the things I shouldn't.  Past relationships where I was wrong. People I wronged , unpleasant situations and embarrassment.  At 67 I have plenty,  but never anything pleasant. I have a decent life , a family with grandchildren and while I have seen and experienced wonderful things , it's always the ugly that pops up.

Music60 

Yes, me too. All the worst things are brought up. I thought I also had a pretty good life. I so want the chance to do better. This experience has made me see things so very different. All the things I thought were important really are not. Health and family and treating people with kindness is all I want the chance to do going forward. Money and career can be gone in a second.