In a very dark place

[[Ja...]]

Hello, I'm new

Sorry if this is too long...

I recently turned 19 and at the end of June this year I developed an increase in my OCD due to stress from final exams and the loss of my dear cat who was killed...I started to have panic attacks for the first time in my life. They were horrid, I thought I was dying...I ended up in ER and the doctors called in a psychiatrist because my heart rate didn't want to lower after hours being there(they gave me diazepam, beta blocker, gabapentin)...and she did a very evil thing...she gave me olanzapine...I'm literally crying when I see the name of that med. It wasn't a high dose(2.5 mg), but little did I know how sensitive I am to it. It literally knocked me out the whole night...but I kept taking it because I had exams to take and my panic attacks didn't stop...I went to my exams in a very poor condition, feeling drugged and my anxiety was through the roof(I had a lot of side effects from the med I thought at that time were due to my anxiety...). After the last exam I ended again in the ER feeling like I'm going to pass out. They gave me again a shot of Diazepam but it didn't help too much. I ended up going to another psychiatrist(what a big mistake) because my anxiety and panic attacks didn't stop...I was told to keep taking the olanzapine, was put on 5 mg Lexapro and 0,25 mg Xanax. After a week I increased the Xanax to 0,375 mg as my anxiety was so bad (0,125 mg×3 a day). I slept a lot (12 hours or more), felt drugged all day but hey at least I didn't feel the anxiety that much(I really thought anxiety was the worst thing ever but God how wrong I was). After a month and half I saw improvements in my anxiety, panic attacks were almost absent, I was left only with the awful side effects of these meds...I wanted to stop the olanzapine right away. My psychiatrist told me to CT it cause is such a low dose...I was fine a week until the horror began. Insomnia, burning, muscle pain, restlessness, nausea, stomach pain, cold sweats, chills, exploding head, crying spells(I never cried like this) as I didn't know what was happening to me...I started to write letters to my mom and best friend as I really thought I was going to off myself...I reinstated at full dose...was still bad...cut in half and after I stabilitised...I kept taking 1,25 mg for two weeks and 0,625 mg for almost another 2 weeks. I really thought it was enough as it wasn't a high dose and didn't know the symptoms that I had were severe, I even blamed my anxiety for some of them...After another week it started again with the same symptoms, but even worse...and this time I didn't reinstate...For almost a month after I was so bad I literally begged God for death...I was crying constantly with my mom not knowing what to do...I had really bad akathisia, my muscles felt like they were exploding, constantly tensed and painful, and I wanted to rip my skin off, I couldn't sleep, high heart rate and the inner restlessness was torturing me...I was only able to swing back and forth murmuring that I can't take this anymore. While fast tapering olanzapine I also reduced my dose of Xanax to 0,156 mg, and also after two weeks into Olanzapine withdrawal, when I thought I was a little better(I had a one day window) I also cut Lexapro to 4 mg. I discovered surviving antidepressants and I stopped reducing.

I learned there that I will first have to do a long hold as my symptoms are very bad and after to continue my Lexapro taper and leave the benzo last.

I want to note that I made progress and my symptoms are better but still debilitating...the ones I have almost constantly is very bad stomach pain, bloating and fatigue...the fibromyalgia like symptoms are still bad but are not constant and nowhere as bad as the first days...the inner agitation and tachycardia are not that intense anymore...

The problem is that I want to do a long taper of Lexapro as it is a very strong and dangerous drug(around 4 years), but the problem is I don't know how I will be able to take Xanax that long without reaching insupportable tolerance/interdose withdrawal symptoms. I can't get on diazepam as I have an akathisia risk because I am too sensitive...

Today I started taking Xanax 3 times a day, 0,052 mg×3 as for the last 2 months I took only two uneven doses. Reading more about this, even 3 doses seem too few for Xanax...

I gave up everything, friends, the college for which I took those exams and isolated myself at my parents house in the countryside...I am really scared for this long and painful journey that I have to take only for 1 and a half month at these pills full doses...I really don't want to give up as my moms life depends on mine...I'm so young and scared of these pills, they destroyed me completely so fast...How will I be able to survive 6 years tapering and many more to recover...

Edited November 19, 2023 by [Ja...]

[[pi...]]

Hello @[Ja...],

I am sorry you have been through so much at such a young age. You had a lot going on with the loss of your dear cat and final exams. That can of stress can certainly cause all sorts of issues. 

However, you are still very young. Try not to look at how long this process will take, think about the good things you are doing for your future.

Can I ask why you want to taper lexapro before the benzo? Xanax is a very short acting benzo,  normally we suggest tapering  that first.

I don’t have any experience with lexapro so I hope other members will offer their knowledge. 

You will survive this, with a slow and sensible taper plan. It Amy not take 6 years, you just have to figure out a good plan and members will be happy to help and advise you. This is doable!

 

[[Ja...]]

Thank you very much for your reply @[pi...]. 

51 minutes ago, [[p...] said:

Can I ask why you want to taper lexapro before the benzo? Xanax is a very short acting benzo,  normally we suggest tapering  that first.

There is a discussion on surviving antidepressants which explains how antidepressant withdrawal will be a lot worse after a benzo withdrawal because of GABA receptors being very destabilised(in my case they are already because of olanzapine, is just that Im afraid to make things even worse)...also taking an activating drug as Lexapro during Xanax withdrawal will make everything much worse...

If I could I would like to be off Xanax first because I can't manage to think how I will be able to take this for a long time because is so short acting...but I'm so afraid of making things even harder to deal with...

 

[[Mi...]]

Hi @[Ja...],

I just wanted to say you are not doomed and you will find a way off of these drugs. Time makes everything better, you will get there. Also, 6 years is a very long time! There is no telling how fast one’s body will recover, so I would say not to limit yourself to making it that long. Go as your body tells you, you may be surprised at the rate of progress.

Quick question, would you be able to let me know what you are on specifically right now per day? Maybe I can share some ideas I have from my experience with Xanax so far, to help you out in the long run.

You will get through this!!!

Edited November 19, 2023 by [Mi...]

[[Ja...]]

Hello @[Mi...], thank you for the reply.

Im currently on 4 mg Lexapro and 0,052 mg Xanax×3 a day(0,156 mg). I know the doses aren't high but I'm very sensitive now because olanzapine destroyed me completely...

[[Mi...]]

@[Ja...]

Just making sure. The math on the Xanax above. You say you’re taking .52mgs a day? If so, I think the 3x a day cuts would equal .173mgs. I believe .156mgs 3x a day is .468mgs a day in total. Let me know if I’m missing something there.
 

I completely understand buddy. Let me tell you something, I think you’re completely normal and your body is reacting to these medications in a normal way. I have been trying to taper .5mgs of Xanax for the better part of the last 3 - 4 months. I wound up going down too quickly in my dose back about 7 months ago. So, I first had to stabilize. My symptoms at first were absolutely horrific. This is largely in part because my doctor didn’t know anything and gave me terrible advice. The fact of the matter is that I was put on the Xanax for too long of a period, at a dose that is high enough for your body to become physically dependent. In any event, I’m letting you know that you have made amazing progress as to where you are currently and you should be proud of that. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Anyway, my advice. I will first say that I don’t have any real first hand experience with lexapro, or any SSRI for that matter. I know their symptoms can be very severe coming off as well. Although, I will tell you that Xanax is incredibly difficult to come off of once you have dependence. It looks like you take it three times a day, addressing inter dose withdrawal. What form are you currently dosing the Xanax in? For example, liquid, dry cutting, etc. You have to make sure that you are cutting extremely accurately (trust me, even the slightest cuts can make a big difference). I’m choosing to go down with a liquid Xanax myself (I can be incredibly precise at low doses).

I’m sure you’ve already read up on both drugs a ton at this point. If I was in your shoes, however, I would taper the Xanax first. Yes, it will most likely make lexapro harder to come off of if you go this route, but at the end of the day Xanax is a short acting benzodiazepine. It is not supposed to be used for more than two weeks for many reasons. I just think that the lexapro is something that is more stable to be on vs the Xanax. Please do your own research. I know that these ssris can also cause PSSD which is something to consider. I would take that route though if I were in your position.

Hope this helps to some degree.

Edited November 19, 2023 by [Mi...]

[[Ja...]]

I'm on 0,156 mg a day. 0,156÷3=0,052 mg. I take 3 doses of 0,052 mg a day. My highest dose was in July when I took 0,375 mg a day.

I'm dry cutting it using the Gemini scale which is not that accurate but is the best way I can do it because I'm very sensitive now being in antipsychotic withdrawal...I can't risk taking liquid...

I'd really want to taper the xanax first...the only problem is I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep at all after...lexapro will activate me even more...I'm scared I will lose my sleep that is already bad (waking up at 4 and sleeping lightly after, probably when xanax wears off), and after I will need another med to be able to function...melatonin probably won't be able to do much...

[[Mi...]]

@[Ja...]

Okay, got it 👌 sorry for the confusion, that is a small dose of Xanax per day. With that small of a dose of Xanax, maybe it would be best to first reduce the lexapro a little, if you say it’s activating. I still think that the lexapro should be the last thing you come off fully because of my reasoning in my prior comment. Please research and get someone’s opinion that has lots of experience coming off of lexapro. All I can tell you is that I have had many problems coming off of Xanax alone. The reason you most likely have been able to get as low as you have with the Xanax is because of the lexapro. You will get through this!!!