5 months off still unbearable

[[Si...]]

To dream about the day I could sit back on my sofa and watch a tv show, to dream about the day I could read about my old interests online. this is pathetic.  I used to have such high ambitions for life.   I want this thing out of my throat and chest.  I want to relax.  Not being able to relax for 17 months is ORWELLIAN torture. 

[[Re...]]

Hello @[Si...]! I am so sorry we need to go through this. I completely understand what you mean. I am, too, always reminded, each second, that I am not okay. Sometimes when I wake up, I am reminded: ok, this is reality now... (.... I am afraid of people, doing exposure, etc). Then I am thinking no, this can not be... I am so tired of this, too. 

But, this is only temporary. We will all just look back once on this period and it will fade away. We just need to take one day at a time. I am 5 months off, too. I haven't experienced anything even comparable to this.

[Guest [...]]

Yes I agree it does feel like torture. These drugs should have been banned a long time ago, but here we are and we just have to get on with it as best we can. You still have high ambitions for life otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it.   I often think about all the other people out there going through this ordeal and send out a virtual hug to them all and that includes you!

[[ia...]]

@[Si...] Hi there. I'm so sorry... 

Sometimes I get so angry and resentful... Because Benzos have taken SO much from me. ESPECIALLY TIME. 

I truly know what you mean. There was/is SO much I wanted to do in this life/world, and there are days I wonder: "Is any of that even possible anymore...?" I can barely get out of bed some days.

You likely already know this but I want to say this, from experience.. what you are feeling right now is NOT PERMANENT. I promise.... your situation WILL CHANGE. 

[[Ra...]]

Simona

i suffered a lot till the 16th mos. Then I got a lot better. I can relax in the quiet now and it’s so much better. It’s hard. Time will heal it. Keep going. You will heal. 

[[Al...]]

I am proud of you. 17 months. I am 26 days off xanax, living nightmares... last night was tough. You inspire me. Thank you

[[sh...]]

It’s so unbelievable hard and nothing makes sense. But I can assure you it will get better. Thinking back one year ago there was no chance to read a book. I was always agitated and my mind was completely overloaded. Watching TV, no chance! In the last few months I have been reading many books and guess what I even was capable of watching some documentations about animals 😊It does get better …. I wish you all mich strength and good healing 🍀

[[Si...]]

@[sh...] how long did it take you before you could relax?

@[Al...] @[Ra...] thank you I'm so terribly frightened.  I don't remember normality.  I feel I've been dropped on an alternate universe.

This morning was bad because the bad pain/anxiety feeling started in my morning dream.  Then I wake up with it.  It makes me mad that something so out of my control that starts in sleep is minimised to be an anxiety disorder by the doctors.  

I am only sleeping some because I'm taking a hefty dose of mirtazapine/remeron.  another worry but before taking it it was just 2  broken hours a night.  

[[sh...]]

5 minutes ago, [[S...] said:

how long did it take you before you could relax?

I would say the first 18 months were the worst. And then it got slowly better… It needs so much patience and courage but it’s temporary. You will get better too 🍀

[[Ra...]]

Simona

i agree with shamrock. It’s so hard. It seemed like I’d never heal but it does get so much better!!

[[Si...]]

@[Ra...] @[sh...] thank you so much.  Today I woke 100% normal.  This happened before, although I don't think 100%, about 9 weeks ago.  Anyway once I started engaging in my morning activities it all came back.  It's at my throat today.  I'm a very negative person so I just feel discouraged and angry and upset all over again.  I took vit B6 yesterday so it might have helped, or just been coincidence.  

[[Si...]]

Back in the terror yesterday and today. This is undoable.  

[[Re...]]

@[Si...] I am so sorry to read that. If it helps I am not doing so great either. Just trying to get past each moment now.

Once we will only look back at this. That day, I believe, will come. 

[[Si...]]

I can't do this.  I didn't have much before  and now I've lost the little  I had.  I am too old.  I've lost the plot.  I can't take the anxiety.  I call out help all day now to try and push out the tension in my chest.  I sound mad.  everyone tells me to have self control but it's gone on too long.  

I feel a worst case scenario as I was so kindled and had such a terrible reaction to the drug.

I think I may have set myself back with chicory root coffee.  it affects gaba system and I didn't realise.  I took it Sunday and Monday.  

[[Bu...]]

Simon, I'm so sorry to read all this. I'm doing very badly myself so I really can't offer any good advice. You are doing very well off this drug and, for that, I applaud you!!!! Big hugs!!!!

[[Re...]]

@[Si...] @[Bu...] Right there with you.... I have many "I can't do this" moments daily. At least we are not alone with this...