From love and joy and faith to desperation

[[de...]]

Hello and thank you for your site - I have I believe been experiencing adverse reactions to medication and then withdrawal from multiple benzodiazepines and mirtazapine though polydrugging during a brief hospital stay in December 2022 seemed to cause a complete dissociative break from which I have not recovered.

I am 51 years old and until taking Metaclopromide after the Covid booster in April 2022 had no mental health history, though sleep issues after a bad reaction to a PPI in August 2021 saw me start 10mg temazepam which didn't seem to cause major issues mentally and seemed to get my sleep back on track. 

The Metaclopromide in April 2022 caused firstly severe dystonian reaction followed by what I now realise was severe akathesia - all I knew was I had to suddenly stop working and walk 18km a day and was still in tears. Diazepam and lorazepam were prescribed in multiple ED visits over a period of 3 months all of which seemed to increase crying and mania.  This culminated in a psych assessment where seroquel 25mg daily and mirtazapine 15mg daily along with up to 2mg diazepam daily as required were prescribed on top of now 15mg temazepam at night.

I remained agitated and had crying meltdowns and strange rage episodes started. I felt both the diazepam and seroquel made things worse so stopped both cold turkey after a few months. I spiraled into more rage fits and ended up under a psychiatrist and neurologist in hospital.

My gp wanted in patient care to get me off temazepam but the psychiatrist said she thought the mirtazapine was likely to be the reason for the rage issues and removed it over 3 days started 2- 4mg of diazepam and left me on temazepam an started lamotragine. Within 4 days I totally dissociated and was unable to speak or remember my life or recognise my husband. I because terrified of everything. I became severely depressed  - apparently agitated depression brought on by not knowing who I was. Zoloft 50mg was given and I totally zombied out. The psychiatrist decided I wasn't tolerating anything and after 3 weeks sent me home on up to 4mg diazepam and 20mg temazepam  admitting she had made things worse.

I remained terrified and had totally frozen moments- hours when I couldn't converse or find clothes to wear. I sobbed with fear if I hard to cook or eat a meal (I previously cooked for a living and loved it) and remained unable to feel safe with my extraordinary husband of 25 years - the most wonderful, warm gentle man.

I only took diazepam for a few days and then threw them away - had been on for a month. I took a few a in February and again in April when things seemed awful but they seemed to make anger and depression worse. So now I am on 15mg temazepam only having reduced from 20 to 10mg in hospital over 4 days in May this year and having some awful times about 3 weeks later hence I reinstated to 15mg. I no longer know if I am in withdrawal from mirtazapine quick taper 10 months ago or benzodiazepines withdrawal and adverse reaction over multiple times or if my current temazepam dose is now becoming a problem.  I am still depressed and depersonalised and totally unlike myself and trying to hold onto the life I loved. 

Any thoughts on how to proceed would be appreciated. 

Kindest regards 

[[Co...]]

Hello @[de...]. Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

That's a lot to digest. And, to be frank, my knowledge outside of benzodiazepines is limited, and my personal experience, zero. But other members will have experience of the other medications you mentioned.

It might help me (and others) if you type up a timeline in simple list form, describing, in particular, your medication, start and end dates, and doses.

It is encouraging that your psychiatrist seems to have acknowledged your medications are the root cause of your problems. These should resolve with time. And it is worth noting that it can take some considerable time to recover from benzodiazepine use and withdrawal (the same is sometimes true for antidepressants too). So try not to let that you still feel so unwell overwhelm you, it will get better.

[[de...]]

I'm particularly desperate about my inability to care about and difficulty taking care of my lovely husband who is being treated for cancer for the 3rd time. We came through treatment twice before together and it was a privilege and joy to be with him - he is so amazing and brave.  Is it common to have no feelings - feelings of terror even - I'm struggling to even want to help him. Seem to be suddenly so angry and mean - awful critical thoughts.  Never had a bad thought about him on our life together  - was just impossible.  We were so happy  - everyone I share my struggle with including friends family my gp and even my hairdresser says but he's amazing  - he is the nicest person we know! I know this and was the first to say it but now I'm just horrible.  Is a total  personality change usual  - does it reverse? We are praying through this hellish experience. 

Again thank you and every blessing 

[[Co...]]

I've just noticed that this is on the Contact the Team forum. As a peer support community, we do not provide private support. Would it be OK if I move this thread to one of the other forums? You will also benefit from the whole community being able to read your posts and provide you with feedback.

[[de...]]

Ok yes will do  - thank you.  I know it's a mixture! My main thinking now is that the benzodiazepines may just as likely have been a lot of the problem as I seemed to have paradoxical reactions or at least partially adverse when taking them and also I wondered about best ways to taper off the 15mg temazepam which is now my only medication. I will do a clearer list of meds/history. 

Many thanks for taking time to reply 

[[de...]]

Yes thank you Colin  - move it wherever is most appropriate. 

 

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[de...], I wanted to comment on your lack of feelings, this is very common.  I felt dead inside, I couldn’t feel love, joy or even empathy.  I couldn’t connect with myself which made me unable to connect with others.  It seems the only reliable emotions we can feel during this process are all negative.

I’m here to tell you the good and positive emotions do return, it takes awhile but they’re not lost. 

[[de...]]

Thanks so much for your encouraging words Pamster - means a lot. I know seeking assurance can be its own trap but in this crazy lonely journey when noone can really understand the invisible but very real train that has driven through my/ our existence and identity it is a balm to hear something that gives hope. Holding on!

Sending love and Blessing your way

[[Sw...]]

@[de...] this will WILL get better. What you are describing seems so typical of a brain that has been totally messed with. You have probably endured a lot of stress seeing your husband go through cancer treatments and caring for him. Perhaps you even once had burnout and didn't know it. Burnout is when your CNS is totally fried and people with burnout can get symptoms that people from med withdrawal get. The brain is a fascinating thing. Consider having a history of burnout and then taking drugs that exacerbate old symptoms. (Hoping this makes sense to you, maybe you dont relate to it though.) 

If you were thrown a bunch of meds and experimented on then my bet is youve destabilized your brain. The great news is YOU are going to FEEL again once some time has passed. I have cycled from having no emotions, to rage, to agitation, to suicidal thoughts, to hate, to sadness, to finally feeling  good feelings. Have hope, as it sounds like this is medication induced and not a permanent thing. Do you have support?