Feeling like i missed something

[[Al...]]

Does anyone else feel like the distracted themselves through withdraw and never learned the coping skills needed? Ive gone through three major depressive episodes and its made it so that thing like yoga meditation etc trigger me and it kinda sucks how can i break that connection. The first time i would meditate hard and listen to affirmations you name it and now all that stuff tirggers me. I know im still in high anxiety so i cant look at it objectivly but it feels like i havnt learned what im supposed too. I used to only have anxiety but after fighting through this three times it gets to you. And now i just cant fight this feeling thats always th ere that im going to hurt myself should be dead. I know they are i trusive thoughts and i am learning to derach emotion from then but its hard cause it feels like something you really want to do. It was the hardest thing to deal with coming off ativan. It makes me think i really am an addict cause i feel i have no relief aside from a pill but thats not true im just in a wave. I got off january and was doing great until i tried to taper effexor in july. The easiest tell sign of anxiety for me is when i can just breathe at night. During the taper i was in such hypervigilance that i had to distract myself up until i passed out.  Terrable habits but it is what it is now once i can get some peace of mind i need to not forget this and hammer the sleep hygine and meditation i have always gone with the flow in life and now i have become someone who must learn discipline.

[[...]]

Me too.The flow is different and self discipline can be hard. 

As far as meditation, I use breathing meditation, nothing with affirmations. Things can be wonky there. 

Breathing and quieting the mind seems to be neutral to me.

[Guest [...]]

Hi @[Al...]

It’s quite normal to not be able to meditate when in a heightened symptomatic state, regardless of how much experience one has with meditation. The fact is, it’s almost impossible to meditate when you are in fight or flight (survival) mode, because it’s like trying to meditate whilst being chased by a lion.

I would focus mostly on distraction techniques and resonant breathing technique. 

[[Id...]]

Hi @[Al...],

 I can tell you from experience that what Winters sun told you hits the point exactly and better than I can express.
I still have friends checking the internet trying to help me telling me I should listen to meditative stuff and I really want to throw meditative stuff at them. A really heavy and hard one if possible. 
 Of course I have tried for years but fighting with chemical induced insomnia I can’t bear the minimal sound of that again. 
I’ve recently tried to pick up something for a second and just the idea of “listen to your body” while your body feels is dying made me understand what depersonalization as symptom come from (of course not scientific proof; just my harsh reality). 
So please don’t beat yourself up is totally normal. 

Breathing exercises still works because they help calming down things physically and there’s no escape from that. Personally not the “guided” ones just breathing deeply at my own pace.

There are little thing that helps a bit but only when I feel better  (what is strictly personal, if you feel you are able to you could search something that really made you feel better before this. Even if depression makes you feel there is nothing) like singing favorite songs of a lot of time ago. The vibration helps me physically (modulate breathing, loved songs, and theoretically stimulates the nerves responsabile of keeping your body a bit calmer). I know I would feel the same if I have a guitar, let “her” vibrating my favorite songs against my chest. A coping device or place (even your old teddy bear if it the right thing for you). Personally I would die to ride a horse again but that is what personally sends me to the moon always, like climbing or being in a wood (I was in one while a bad wave hit and I still felt pure bliss)

 I can’t write really well but sum is Winters sun is really right and it’s biologically normal that doesn’t work in a certain state. If you are lucky you can find small personal things that helps you maybe revaluing what made you feel better before meeting this problem. I don’t know about discipline but little helping things are still a flow because it’s not your rational brain that rules over them.

When in a bad place and situation like you described I understand nothing seems to work. My coping device still works a bit even “there”

[[Al...]]

Oh thank you for saying that about the rational brain now i can explain it to people better. Like i got off the ativan in january and was in my rational brain where i knew what was causing my anxiety. And could correct it. Then trying to get off effexor i flipped to being mostly in the irrational brain. And having just come out of ativan taper i wasnt ready to go back in. I get so stubborn about it and with this culture if instant gratification that it litterally drives me up a wall hving to wait when im anxious lil so i need to het better with discipline. Like right now im getting manic over the fact that i cant wait till monday to start my new job. In the past if i hd to wait for something i would just drink or take ativan and sleep through it. Its hard now cause the life inbetween is hard to enjoy in this state. 

[[Al...]]

I just need to reverse what computers and screens have done to my brain