Not home free, yet, but running the bases...

[[Lo...]]

Morning BB,

     Even though I'm still symptomatic, I am so happy to be this side of Xanax cessation! (Reminder:  Original dose .5 mg X 6 pills/day; on Xanax since 1998, age now, 63; started 2 year taper in 2020; tapered to .5 mg x 2pills/day then checked into detox, May 2023, for 4 days to turn loose those last 2 pills/day. Also quit Ambien when I first started Xanax taper in 2020.)

     As I I said I am still symptomatic, but I'm managing...so I don't get managed!  Still having a few weird issues:  GI distress, hot skin, red burning face, muscle tension & cramping: inflammation of nerve in the ball of my right foot; painful inflammation in my joints: sleeplessness (which is now controlled by THC gummies). After the hell I went through, these current symptoms are mild. 

     I know I'm sounding like a stuck record here, but redirection is the name of the game now.  It would be oh-so-easy to just turn right back around and fall into old symptoms, along with some fresh-hell anxiety, but every day I choose NOT TO. And every day I am becoming more & more skilled at acceptance (yep, here I am now. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, Sister. It's okay): self compassion (I love and pet me and admire me like nobody else can); redirection = cooking, cleaning, laundry, Yoga, decorating, walking, painting, planning holidays, etc. Anything where I am creating. 

     During my hardest withdrawal (during taper) I was undergoing trauma therapy for depression   I did regular breath work sessions, psychedelic Cannabis therapy retreat x 2, I put my face in ice water several times/day to soothe and reset CNS, I danced, I ran up and down my stairs, I got out in nature: I sang at the top of my lungs (still do this one, it's a great reset when triggered) and also I did 8 sessions of Ketamine assisted therapy.  I read and watched everything Dr. Gabor Mate, worked from "The Body Keeps the Score", read and watched and worked everything Dr Peter Levine. I chanted. I meditated. I journaled. I screamed. (I am absolutely NOT giving out advice here,  just reviewing the facts of my own experience.)  Looking back I can see I really clawed my way out.  I spent 2 1/2 years spinning like a dervish. 

   The pieces of advice that I can give out:  don't get stuck on your symptoms, look past them, accept them, breathe.   Don't re-instate, it only puts off the inevitable, it's only very cruel and painful procrastination, so stand your ground.  Know the value of creating a new you, wave goodby to the old you the you that needed drugs to face daily life. Know that any discomfort = feeling your healing. Know that every symptom = a spot on the brain being completely healed. Know the  value of every-single-day-self-compassion.  And, lastly,  understand the incredible value of...REDIRECTION. 

     And I want to say to BB...good luck, all.  Hang in there...you CAN get through this! 

Best, LollyDoodle