300mg diazapam

[[Mo...]]

 

Firstly I would like to thank you all for  posting your experiences and I applaud you on your courage.

I’ve been reading success stories on this forum since I started my taper and  if this site did not exist I don’t know what would have happened to me.
I had been a benzo addict since 2015 taking anywhere from a 100mg per day right up to 300mg of diazapam mixed with a few Xanax’s here and there. I didn’t miss a day without popping pills like smarties over the course of 7 years. 

I tapered for 10 months from 300mg-30mg and jumped from 30mg exactly 10 months ago.
I have practically been disabled mentally for the entire duration of my rehabilitation. As anyone on this site can imagine, after 7 years on heavy doses of benzos plus drinking and taking other substances recreationally, withdrawal has been torturously brutal to say the very least.

Waves have become less intense in the last 2 months and windows have become more prominent over the course of the past month.  
My main symptoms currently are, diminished cognitive function, intensive head pressure, panic, and anxiety. A couple of weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to write this short story which demonstrates that mental capacity is improving slowly.
The windows last for a few hrs at a time then I fall into disabling waves again. 
I stay in bed mostly watching movies trying to get through to the next day. I am eating well and I try to push myself everyday by exercising, swimming and spending time in the sauna. Even though I have these luxuries at home I only started around 2 months ago as I couldn’t leave my bed before. I didn’t have any physical or psychological problems prior to benzo use. 

My weight hasn’t fluctuated much and I am getting around 5-6 hours of sleep pretty much every night atm.
I’m 40 years old and I don’t have any children and am not married.

I own a multinational company in the field of Information Technology hence have been extremely lucky not having to worry about cost of living etc. However I have not worked at all for the past 2 years and my business has been completely neglected by me over the last 8 years and that fact stresses me out every waking minute. Saying that I’m grateful to have good key members of staff who have kept the ship steady in my absence. 
I’ve been fortunate enough to employ a private chef and drivers, housekeepers etc full time to help with anything I need. No one other then my girlfriend has helped me throughout this ordeal. Any help I received was fully paid for by myself. Which kind of sucks as it made me realise 99.9 percent of people in my life were only there for the money or a good time. As soon as I was bedridden not one of my so called friends came to see me or called to check up on me. I don’t have any family so didn’t have that support either. Everyone bar my girlfriend has taken advantage of me financially. I feel there is very little humanity in this world as I always helped anybody I could with their troubles without expecting anything in return. I have always given the right advice to people but no one ever returned the favour. While I was on the pills no one around me discouraged me or suggested treatment. I suppose it was in their best interests to let me go down this rabbit whole. Either for financial gain or out of pure jealousy and hatred. Everything came super easy to me and I didn’t actually realise prior to benzo withdrawal that I was hyper intelligent. I just thought people around me were stupid. What was common sense and basic logic to me was as ground breaking as discovering fire for others. I guess I took it all for granted and actually wanted to dumb myself down by taking benzos. I could finally tolerate being around people once medicated. That is my out of this world reason for getting hooked on benzodiazepines in the first place. Once dependent on them I tried to cold turkey several times but would go around 2 weeks and then reinstate, as there is very little information out there and my private medical team which I switched up on several occasions wanted me desperately to stay on these meds for life. I was super arrogant and had a huge ego prior to rehabilitation, having been humbled to some extent during recovery.

I have a really loving girlfriend whom I met a few months prior to starting my taper. In fact she made it possible for me to overcome this horrible dependency by assuring me that no matter how long it took she would be beside me and has stayed true to her word. Non of my previous partners did such a thing as they were only interested in shopping for high end brands and going with me around the world on luxury trips. 

I know this is a very short bio as of course there is a lot more to the story but I do not want to bore everyone with my privileged life. 

 

The questions I would like to ask mainly from others who have made it though to the other side are! Once windows start appearing how long before cognitive function returns to a decent level? What is the average time to fully heal? Does life become beautiful after we go through such hardships? I guess the answers to these questions are self explanatory but I really need some assurances. I feel like ending it every day and don’t know how long this torture will continue. Any advice to speed up recovery would be much appreciated.

Please if anyone has any questions do not hesitate to ask me as I have all the time in the world for benzo buddies. 
I prey for everyone going through this nightmare that they have a speedy recovery.
 

All the best. 

Edited October 27, 2023 by [Mo...]
Title too long

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[Mo...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Congratulations on your benzo freedom, it sound’s like you’ve made amazing progress and kudos to you for being able recognize it.  One of the hallmarks of this process is the constant barrage of negative thoughts that prevent us from actually seeing we’re recovering.

This is a life changing experience and I’ve found life to be much easier once I’d made it through, not much can compare to this nightmare.  Many members have found that what they once considered anxiety is nothing compared to what this process produces and have stayed medication free as a result.

I expect your cognition will continue to return, its a gradual process as your receptors continue to rebuild proper function and we typically see recovery between 1 and 2 years.  

I hope this journey once complete helps you live a more balanced life and good for you for concentrating on the success stories, a positive mindset will benefit you in more ways than one. 

Pamster

[[...]]

Hello. Your talk about your friends who neglect and your prior girlfriends, and now you have a good person beside you. It is wonderful to hear, but It ringed a bell for me, I also have a great supportive girl and you reminded me to be grateful for her. Ill make sure to buy her something, she never wants anything haha. Thank you for reminding me.

 

Regarding benzos, i am also new here and started tapering, but as you mentioned the cognitive abilities are lowered. And i am pretty sure that when we heal, we will find a pleasant joy and meaning in life. 

 

I cannot offer meaningful advice yet since im new also here but im always here for a chat! And yes this is a great helpful community. I wish you all the best.

[[An...]]

Hi @[Mo...]....congrats on your benzo freedom and welcome to BB.

I have a question for you. 👇

You said>>>

Quote

I tapered for 10 months from 300mg-30mg and jumped from 30mg exactly 10 months ago.

Why didn't you taper down lower? Jumping from 30 MGS of valium is potentially dangerous. Was only one medical doctor writing you a script for 300 mgs of valium? That is an insane amount. Good to hear you are having some windows and are able to sleep now 5-6 hours per night. This tells me you are slowly healing.

You said>>>

Quote

The questions I would like to ask mainly from others who have made it though to the other side are! Once windows start appearing how long before cognitive function returns to a decent level? What is the average time to fully heal? Does life become beautiful after we go through such hardships? I guess the answers to these questions are self explanatory but I really need some assurances. I feel like ending it every day and don’t know how long this torture will continue. Any advice to speed up recovery would be much appreciated.

I wish I could provide you with some assurances but unfortunately, I am still in the process of tapering myself, but I do agree with what @[Pa...] said to you.

 I applaud you. From 300 mgs of valium to zero is a remarkable feat. 👍💪👏

[[su...]]

I think its really encouraging you are already getting windows. Its isnt really possible to give a healing time but as you are already getting windows that awesome. Those windows will let longer and the waves will get shorter and less intense. Its not linear though, you will go back and forth. The fact you were able to jump from 30mg shows your nervous system hasnt been too damaged and sensitised. I always think diet is one of the main things to help during recovery. Eat really clean, no processed crap or sugar. Things like brain retraining and meditation can be helpful. Its just supporting the body best you can as it try to regain homeostasis. The trauma ,stress and imbalances in the body can sometime trigger autoimmune stuff in some off us so by supporting the body, as above you can avoid this.  

[[Mo...]]

10 hours ago, [[s...] said:

I think its really encouraging you are already getting windows. Its isnt really possible to give a healing time but as you are already getting windows that awesome. Those windows will let longer and the waves will get shorter and less intense. Its not linear though, you will go back and forth. The fact you were able to jump from 30mg shows your nervous system hasnt been too damaged and sensitised. I always think diet is one of the main things to help during recovery. Eat really clean, no processed crap or sugar. Things like brain retraining and meditation can be helpful. Its just supporting the body best you can as it try to regain homeostasis. The trauma ,stress and imbalances in the body can sometime trigger autoimmune stuff in some off us so by supporting the body, as above you can avoid this.  

 

On 27/10/2023 at 14:49, [[P...] said:

Hello @[Mo...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Congratulations on your benzo freedom, it sound’s like you’ve made amazing progress and kudos to you for being able recognize it.  One of the hallmarks of this process is the constant barrage of negative thoughts that prevent us from actually seeing we’re recovering.

This is a life changing experience and I’ve found life to be much easier once I’d made it through, not much can compare to this nightmare.  Many members have found that what they once considered anxiety is nothing compared to what this process produces and have stayed medication free as a result.

I expect your cognition will continue to return, its a gradual process as your receptors continue to rebuild proper function and we typically see recovery between 1 and 2 years.  

I hope this journey once complete helps you live a more balanced life and good for you for concentrating on the success stories, a positive mindset will benefit you in more ways than one. 

Pamster

Thank you for your encouragement much appreciated. I take it you have healed? How long post jump did it take you to feel good again? It seems like a fully life changing experience. I bet your constantly on a nature high after this torture! Take care 

[[Mo...]]

[[Pa...]]

2 hours ago, [[M...] said:

Thank you for your encouragement much appreciated. I take it you have healed? How long post jump did it take you to feel good again? It seems like a fully life changing experience. I bet your constantly on a nature high after this torture! Take care 

Yes, I recovered 14 months after my cold turkey and I’m still grateful I was able to recover so quickly and completely.  

[[Mo...]]

That really good you healed in a good time frame. When did you feel you had started to turn a corner? 

[[Pa...]]

It’s difficult for me to remember  specifics @[Mo...], since it was in 2008, plus I made the mistake of starting Ambien which really messed me up and I believe delayed my recovery.  I do know it’s a gradual process thats difficult to recognize until one day we think to ourselves, hey, I haven’t felt that symptom in awhile.  Sometimes its hard to trust recovery because it’s not linear and we seem to take one step forward and two back.