Jess's Post-Jump Journey

[[Je...]]

I'd been updating a post ...

 

... and thought that this might be a better place to update my experience post-jump. 

So, this Sunday past (October 23, 2023), I jumped from 0.03125 mg of clonazepam after nearly five years of use - something like 17 years of use total. (I completed a previous polydrug taper in 2015 after 12-ish years of use. All of the details are in my History on my profile, so I won't list it all here.) At any rate, I have been taking clonazepam for a lot of years, with a 3-year break in between. Surprisingly - or maybe not - my second taper went far smoother than my first, but I did take much longer to get here. (And I wouldn't be here at all without the previous guidance and support from BB.)

My situation is not typical as I am on chemotherapy for bone cancer (multiple myeloma) and so many of the side effects of chemo overlap with the withdrawal effects of the clonazepam. I honestly don't always know what is causing what, although I kind of hope that some of the symptoms are due to the benzo because then they will, eventually, go away! 

I also tapered more quickly than is recommended, but happily did not experience any truly horrific symptoms. I mean I don't always feel awesome, and there are days when I am so irritable that I want to kick puppies - not that I would actually do that! - but nothing was completely intolerable. When things started to get rough, I would hold longer and then wait for it all to smooth out before my next cut. 

I've been fortunate to have the support of a palliative care doctor who managed my medications and let me taper at my own pace, as well as a psychologist who helped me with anxiety and other issues. I was coached in biofeedback, as well, and meditate every day.  

There is more, of course, but to keep this post from becoming unwieldy I'll just update how I'm feeling since my jump on Sunday.

Not Great.

But not intolerable awful, either. I'm fairly confident that the majority of the Not Great is from the chemo and not the jump. 

I'll continue to update as I get further out from my jump. And I'll answer any questions, too. And ... I'm so glad (!) I did this! I really feel like I've been set free! 

Jess

 

[[Bu...]]

I'm so glad things are looking up for you, J!!! Things will only get better but this wd thing is exceptionally hard. I'm a month off after tapering down to mere grains and I'm still in a very bad way. Get through this any way you can. I'm sorry I can't offer better words. Eat really healthy and get strong!!! ♥ 

[[Je...]]

8 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

I'm so glad things are looking up for you, J!!! Things will only get better but this wd thing is exceptionally hard. I'm a month off after tapering down to mere grains and I'm still in a very bad way. Get through this any way you can. I'm sorry I can't offer better words. Eat really healthy and get strong!!! ♥ 

@[Bu...] Thank you so much!! I'm confident things will get better! I'm so sorry you're in a bad way but I know, too, from my previous taper, that healing will happen and that it just takes time. You don't have to offer better words! Your words are lovely just as they are, and I truly appreciate your encouragement and support! 

We will get through this! 

[[Bu...]]

Big hugs, Jess!!!! 🤗 

[[Je...]]

9 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

Big hugs, Jess!!!! 🤗 

Back atcha! 

[[Br...]]

So glad to see your update @[Je...]!  It's wonderful to know you're getting good support for your taper from your palliative care doc and psychologist.  I hope your symptoms ease up soon!

[[Je...]]

9 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

So glad to see your update @[Je...]!  It's wonderful to know you're getting good support for your taper from your palliative care doc and psychologist.  I hope your symptoms ease up soon!

@[Br...] Thank you!

 

[[Je...]]

It's Friday! (Friday afternoon, actually.) And this is Day 5 since my jump. I've been experiencing a lot of fatigue but I'm not necessarily sleepy-tired. I also have a lot of pain, but that's nothing new. Something I have noticed is that for the past several months, pretty much every Wednesday I am beyond irritable. It can be pretty bad. I thought it was due to a steroid I take on Mondays, but no irritability this week. Huh. And it's not like there haven't been triggering events that could piss me off - I could go on and on - but no Little Miss Crabby Pants. 

Wishing everyone a great weekend! (Or at least not a crappy weekend.)

Jess

[[Pa...]]

I’m glad to see your Wednesday wasn’t the usual, it will be interesting to see what happens next week.  Congratulations by the way on your benzo freedom! 

Is the fatigue new for you, are you thinking its a symptom, I know there could be many causes given your situation.

 

 

[[Je...]]

On 29/10/2023 at 17:55, [[P...] said:

I’m glad to see your Wednesday wasn’t the usual, it will be interesting to see what happens next week.  Congratulations by the way on your benzo freedom! 

Is the fatigue new for you, are you thinking its a symptom, I know there could be many causes given your situation.

@[Pa...] Thank you so much! It feels good to be Free! It really, really does! I was filling my "pill vault" for the week and was so happy again when I didn't put in a split up klonopin tablet! I have leftover pills that I am planning to throw away on New Years - Kind of silly, but I wanted to toss them right at the start of the New Year - it seems more symbolic of a fresh start. 

The fatigue isn't new, but it has been more acute. Could be the chemo, or it could be withdrawal. One thing I am noticing is that for a while I have been experiencing a lot of irritability but since my jump - and even just before - it doesn't seem as bad. Hooray!

[[Je...]]

It has been over a week since I jumped off my klonopin at 0.03125 mg.  (Today is Day 10) It's ... not too bad ... I had some anxiety last night - medical crapola causing the majority of it - and I therefore went a little bit crazy with my "anxiety-induced snacking habit" - which is not good for so many reasons - but I got through it and my Tuesday Zolpidem no doubt helped. (On Tuesdays I take 1/2 a 5 mg Ambien (Zolpidem) so I can sleep because once a week I have the worst insomnia due to a steroid I take on Mondays. I know, it's only gawd-awful once a week and for that I am grateful.)

This morning (Wednesday) I felt that Zolpidem/Ambien "hangover" - kind of loopy, droopy, and a bit nauseous. (No barfing, though!) Headache, too, and just general fatigue. The best thing, though, was that I had to go out because I had a dental appointment. (Got a good report - of course there is always room for improvement in the flossing department.) Going outside really helped and I feel much better this afternoon.  (I walk to and from the dentist, and on the way home I stopped to visit with a neighbor - which also helps.) I'm thinking that may be one of the things that helps me: having to be somewhere. I can't sit around and feel crummy because I must be somewhere, and that somewhere gets me out of the house, out of my head, and distracts me from whatever unpleasantness might be going on. 

I'm feeling less irritable, which is nice for me and even nicer for my family. 

I'll check back in as I get further out, but I'm glad to report that it seems to be going well!

Jess

[[Es...]]

@[Je...]

I'm so happy for you❤️ Fell asleep without my meds and my mind is so clear... I know I must take them ASAP, but how I HATE this brain fog. I immediately try to recapture some energy after I take them, drink coffee, but it's to no avail. Diazepam took away all the motivation from me. Diaz is so cunning and it tricked me again. The fight goes on. But you're such a huge inspiration and I'm not giving up.

All the best to you,

Paula

[[Je...]]

15 hours ago, [[E...] said:

@[Je...]

I'm so happy for you❤️ Fell asleep without my meds and my mind is so clear... I know I must take them ASAP, but how I HATE this brain fog. I immediately try to recapture some energy after I take them, drink coffee, but it's to no avail. Diazepam took away all the motivation from me. Diaz is so cunning and it tricked me again. The fight goes on. But you're such a huge inspiration and I'm not giving up.

All the best to you,

Paula

@[Es...] I know you're not giving up!! All the very best to you!! 

[[ne...]]

Jessamy, I just saw your post, we have a lot in common.   I CT`d in 2015 from poly drugging, I reinstated benzos at 6 yrs, I regret that but it helped the muscle pain which hadn`t healed.   The pain didn`t completely go but it was bearable, this time though I had a foggy head too. So decided to taper and keep off for good.

I`m just passed 4 months off now after a year taper.   I have muscle pain as my worst sxs, and today I`ve got confusion as well.   But so far this isn`t anywhere near as bad as that CT.    I had fatigue like you mentioned but that was yesterday, I was SO wiped out but like all of this that sx has vanished today.

I`d love to know how you`re healing, so I`ll follow your progress. I don`t post much but I`ll answer any questions you care to ask me. 

Glad to see you`re  getting support for your other health issues, wishing you loads and loads of windows 

[[Je...]]

Hi Buddies! I hope everyone is having a Window-Filled-Weekend! (WFW!)

It's been two weeks since my jump and I'm feeling pretty good today. There were a few days during the week when I felt less good, but that's kind of par for the course, as the saying goes.  I have some anxiety, but I think a lot of that is just due to life. The klonopin helped manage it and now the klonopin is gone, so I have to use my other coping mechanisms, which help a lot, actually. I have some pain, but that's not really anything new, either. I think my worst symptom has been a headache, which makes me a bit nauseous.  The fatigue comes and goes, and is worse, of course, when I don't sleep well. So, insomnia has been a problem. Not horrific but I'd like to be sleeping better. Tinnitus is still there but not bad. Mostly I just ignore it. 

I'd say that all-in-all at two weeks out I'm doing much better than I did during my first taper in 2015, and really "not bad" at all. I'd do it again. (Jump at this dose, I mean.) 

Other symptoms that I was experiencing during my taper seemed to have abated a bit. I'm less irritable, (I think I mentioned that before somewhere), which makes life nicer for me and everyone around me. I have felt a little bit more energetic and have gotten a few nagging projects done. So, I feel accomplished, too. (My Dad would say I'm getting "shit off of my shoe" or, as I like to say, "turds off of my slippers".)

I will post again - maybe in a week, or if something changes. Sending Posivibes for Healing!

Jess

@[ne...] Congratulations on being 4 months out! I am SO glad you're doing better than with the CT! Yikes! I accidentally CT'd for a very brief interval when I was working out of town and ran out of my prescription. OMG! It was AWFUL! I got my refill, though, and the symptoms passed, but it was just horrific! I can only imagine. (At the time I didn't realize what was going on - it wasn't until I got to BB when I started my taper in 2015 that I figured out what had happened. Crazy!) Wishing you loads and loads of windows, too!! Jess 

[[me...]]

Hi everyone.  I'm 2wk in coming off clonazapam my np gave me some melatonin's to help me sleep but it didn't it's pain relief I need what I'm worried about is I'm coughing but I feel as tho I'm choking plus I'm wheezing like a set of bag pipes and breathless my sinuses are blocked due to the muscles on my face feels right any ideas 🥺🥺anyone thankyou🙏

[[Je...]]

On 06/11/2023 at 04:54, [[m...] said:

Hi everyone.  I'm 2wk in coming off clonazapam my np gave me some melatonin's to help me sleep but it didn't it's pain relief I need what I'm worried about is I'm coughing but I feel as tho I'm choking plus I'm wheezing like a set of bag pipes and breathless my sinuses are blocked due to the muscles on my face feels right any ideas 🥺🥺anyone thankyou🙏

@[me...] I'm so sorry, I just saw this! I hope you posted your question as a new thread so that you could get some answers. My first thought is that you might be brewing an infection; however, it could also be withdrawal, or it could be drier air, if you are heating your home. I notice that for myself, when my heater is running, the air really dries out, which, makes my nose run MORE because my sinuses get dry. Then I end up with a cough from post-nasal drip. What has helped is running a humidifier and using a neti pot with saline, or an OTC saline spray, to keep my sinuses moist. Drinking more water helps, too. Warm compresses on my face and steamy showers help, too. I'm so sorry and hope you are feeling better!

Jess

[[me...]]

Hi jessamay thanks for answering my cough is upper respiratory because due to tmj and sjrogens my sinuses are dry and the tight muscles in my face are causing headpressure I've got a humidifier and a netipot but I have trouble with saline..I can't use nose sprays either....feel easier that nothing sinister going on with my breathing 

Hope you are well too😊

[[Je...]]

Day 22 ~

I've had some good days and some rough days. The thing that has plagued me the most is a gnarly headache that just won't quit. Could be due to any number of things, really, but it's been aggravating. Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. 

[[Pa...]]

Did you deal with headaches while tapering?  How are you doing now @[Je...]?

[[Je...]]

Time for an Update! It's been over a month since I jumped and I'm feeling Not Bad. I think the worst symptoms I'm having are insomnia, headaches, and nausea. I also get irritable and sometimes feel a bit loopy. Honestly, these symptoms could just as easily be due to the chemo. BUT I don't feel any WORSE, so there is that!

Although I've had some anxiety, I haven't had any panic attacks, which I think is the biggest indicator of success for me. The last time I tapered off of Klonopin, I still suffered with some pretty serious anxiety and panic. Not this time, though. 

@[Pa...] Yes to the headaches! Argh! But I'm doing well. I'm engaged in projects, enjoying the holidays, (so far ... we'll see if I'm ready to kick puppies a month from now!), and just getting on with life. 

I will make time to check back in at BB more often. I've been so wrapped up in other stuff that I have been really bad about that! 

Thank you so much for asking how I'm doing! Wishing Hope and Healing for everyone as they navigate the Season, which can be AMAZINGLY Stressful!

Jess

[[Pa...]]

Wonderful to hear from you and thank you for charting your progress.  It’s so important to show those who follow what to expect, the reality of recovery.  

It sounds like you have lots of distraction, some good, some not so good but you know better than some how important it is to focus on the positive as much as possible.  Those stories we tell ourselves are powerful. 

[[Wa...]]

Great story @[Je...] hope you are still doing well. You had some big cuts there towards the bottom, did you notice any uptick in symptoms when you got lower? I am currently mid taper, always enjoy reading these stories

[[Je...]]

On 26/12/2023 at 11:52, [[W...] said:

Great story @[Je...] hope you are still doing well. You had some big cuts there towards the bottom, did you notice any uptick in symptoms when you got lower? I am currently mid taper, always enjoy reading these stories

@[Wa...] I apologize for taking so long to respond! Holidays! That's all I'm sayin'!

It's honestly hard to say if I had an uptick in symptoms as I got lower. I think some things may have gotten worse, like the tinnitus and insomnia, but so many of the withdrawal symptoms are the same as the side-effects I get from chemotherapy. I will say, though, that I never once felt like I needed to increase my dose although I did stretch a couple of my holds from what I had initially "planned". (I had a spreadsheet! Ha!)

I hope your taper is going well! Right now, I am feeling decent and am so happy to be done with my taper!!

[[Je...]]

An overdue update! 

It has been two and a half months (give or take) since I jumped from clonazepam on October 23, 2023. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago. On December 29th, I took all my leftover prescriptions to a local pharmacy and popped them into the drug disposal bin. It. Felt. Awesome.

Oh, I have all kinds of aches and pains and side-effects from chemotherapy, but I have never once been tempted to reinstate the benzo. I freely admit that I still have a prescription for Xanax because I have GAD and Panic Disorder, but in the past two months I not taken any. In fact, I can't remember the last time I took a Xanax. It's kind of like a "security blanket" I guess. Just having it around makes me feel like I don't need to take it, if that makes sense.

And all through the Holidays I never even THOUGHT about not taking clonazepam. I didn't consciously think about withdrawal symptoms or anything like that. Just kind of went on about my business. It WAS nice - VERY nice - not having to split up pills for my pill box, so I did notice that, but otherwise, I just started living my life benzo free. 

I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to write a success story. I know that some w/d symptoms can creep up on us, so I'd like to wait until six months out to be SURE, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

I heartily wish all my Buddies a peaceful and prosperous New Year and it is my sincere hope that you are successful with your own tapers and healing. I've done (am doing) chemotherapy and have tapered benzos, and in many ways, tapering benzos is harder. Much harder. You are Warriors and Heros.

Sending so much Love and Big Virtual Hugs to you all.

Jess