Kindling

[[Si...]]

I am ridiculously kindled.  Not only did I have wild swings in doses but I was suddenly catapulted into taking benzos every day in order to "get off" something I was hardly taking.  I haven't seen anyone with a similar story. I honestly think it's better to be taking it properly for several years and then slowly taper off than be in my position.  I feel it's going to take ages to heal, if at all.  I feel hopeless.  

[[An...]]

Can you explain a little more, please? What were you using benzos to get off from what other drug(s)?  It is not a good idea to constantly stop and start these drugs unless you take them very infrequently and not for long, continuous periods.

What benzo are you currently taking daily now and how much?

[[Si...]]

It was my fault, I took them for 3 years buying them online.  I knew of the dangers.  I took them for consecutive days for 1 week in 2019, and 1 week in 2020.  I took high doses mixed with alcohol and got withdrawal after,  but easily fixed by taking 1 pill a week for a couple weeks.  Apart from that my use was very sporadic, maximum once a month.  In 2021 and 2022 it was once a 2 or 3 months.  I believe my system was sensitised from earlier withdrawals.  I took a big dose in July 2022 mixed with alcohol.  My last use had been April 2022 on holiday.  I believe this big dose put me in withdrawal.  But I don't know.  I developed symptoms, followed by extreme agitation and dry mouth.  But right at the same time I got a positive covid test to confuse things.  I believed my symptoms were covid.  I could not take the symptoms so started taking valium regularly for the first time.  A few days of 10mg, then off for a few days.  I repeated this 9 or 10 times, on and off, on and off, for 2 months.  No alcohol.  Then, the 10th time, I woke up one day and the agitation was so extreme (I had been off a week),  I suddenly thought, this is withdrawal, not covid.  (maybe I was wrong, I'll never know)

Then everything got worse. I reached out for help, was believed and told to take the 10mg every day and that taking it on and off was dangerous. The 10mg no longer worked well enough.  I continued to get worse so I went to a hospital where they put me on 30mg and reduced to 18mg over 2 weeks (??? crazy in retrospect).  I got better there but got the shakes etc again when I returned home, so went back to GP and benzo counsellors.  They tried to stabilise me on the 18mg but I kept getting worse and worse, so then I was put up again to 30mg to taper properly.  I got even worse on the 30mg! And so began a taper from hell with the most unbelievable suffering.  I've now been off for 4 months but started other meds recently , which is probably a mistake.  

I feel helpless.  And so angry.  All this from ONE night in July 2022, where I got too upset from a miscarriage (1st and only and for sure last pregnancy) and lost control over my actions.