I’ve lost my acceptance.

[[ph...]]

I really regret to say that acceptance is something I’ve let go of… I struggle with it so much when it used to come so easily. I used to be so strong. I really wish I wasn’t letting this win but my strength is gone now. I promise I was fighting but I’m weak. I’ve lost.

I’m 8 months off and finally in a window following the worst wave I’ve ever had since acute. It rocked me to my core and stripped away so much of who I am. Now I feel my windows no longer bring joy, just numbness. No torture, but no life.

Learning how to “accept” and “live with” this crap is a really, really hard pill to swallow. I can’t even really have the sense of humor to say pun intended.

The further out I get, the more fragile I become. It’s actually humiliating because everyone on this forum is so unbreakable and hungry for life. I read posts and comments of people being in the WORST place of their life mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, etc, but still being SO HOPEFUL. Why am I so weak now?

If it really gets this bad for other people… how do you survive? Truly how do you do it? I forgot how… I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been struggling for a year now and I just feel so done… a lot of you have been dealing with this for YEARS and still pushing on like absolute warriors.

How are you so eager to push through? That’s where I struggle. I want to learn where this hunger comes from. I lost it. Why did I lose it? How do I get it back? I’m really frustrated with myself quite honestly.

I don’t know what to do when the next wave comes. I’m so scared man. I feel that I’ve lost all of my resources. I struggle immensely with meditation now and that rips me apart. I’ve lost my mind and imagination. Praying is useless now. Breathing is useless… (breathing exercises)

I really hope whoever is reading this is doing well and feeling happy with life because that’s what I want for you. I can’t be there for people because I can’t be there for myself anymore and I absolutely hate myself for it. It’s just so awful. Sending all my love to all of you. Healing will happen… I just don’t know how to get there anymore.

[[ia...]]

@[ph...] Hi friend... 

I 'hear' the despair and hopelessness in your message. My heart is heavy for you.I read every word you've written - and can empathize and relate deeply.

I want to start my response with, 8 months is a REMARKABLE accomplishment. Every day for 8 months you CONSCIOUSLY made a decision NOT to take a benzo, even on the days you were miserable, hopeless, in pain, suffering, etc. that... is an accomplishment. That is a win. 

I understand what you're describing: "Now I feel my windows no longer bring joy, just numbness. No torture, but no life." I want to ask you a couple questions: Was there a time when your windows did bring a small amount of joy? If so, was there anything in particular that brought you this joy? (For example, the opportunity to have a window itself, did this bring you joy? Or the feelings that came with the window? The ability to sleep?)

As it relates to acceptance... Acceptance is an important part of this process but also a fine line; when we accept that we are 'in this situation', that is when we can create a plan, work the plan and begin healing. Alternatively, too much acceptance leads to stagnation, getting 'stuck' - and possibly becoming 'complacent' which can lead to thoughts of "This is it... this is forever... I'm never getting out of this etc." < I have been there. 

Although we don't know each other, I'm going to respectfully and graciously challenge you, to NOT accept your current situation. This is not your forever fate. How you feel in this moment (physically, emotionally, spiritually), does not determine or dictate how you will feel in the future. You asked a question (although maybe rhetorical - I'm going to answer): "If it really gets this bad for other people… how do you survive? Truly how do you do it? <  Purpose. The short answer... right now my parents and my partner are my purpose (because like you, my passion, will, and 'zest' for life are not what they used to be.) I truly understand this 'hunger' you describe. I used to have this hunger deep within me like a fire burning. I feel like benzos snuffed out some of that beautiful desire and hunger for life (for me, this hunger manifested in creativity, travel, building a family, building my businesses etc.) But, I know, that fire / hunger being snuffed out is temporary. "But how do you know that!?"  Because I'm a little better today than I was one month ago and THAT is progress! And I know it is temporary for you too. Maybe that sounds presumptuous... but I believe that with the small amounts of healing that happen in our minds, bodies and souls every day - that little spark, can turn into a small fire once again. 

I am promising you... healing will happen. (I have been through benzo WD twice. I have fully healed once. I am healing again a second time.) Find your purpose. Stay connected to this community... keep working on you. It will happen. Sending you so much love. X

[[Si...]]

I feel exactly the same way.  The only positive thing I can think to say to you is that I don't think it matters.  I lost acceptance or the will to fight ages ago, I can no longer control my screams and shouts and moans...I have also nothing to live for, yet I don't think it prevents healing.  You'll heal anyway acceptance or not.  

[[lo...]]

13 hours ago, [[p...] said:

I really regret to say that acceptance is something I’ve let go of… I struggle with it so much when it used to come so easily. I used to be so strong. I really wish I wasn’t letting this win but my strength is gone now. I promise I was fighting but I’m weak. I’ve lost.

I’m 8 months off and finally in a window following the worst wave I’ve ever had since acute. It rocked me to my core and stripped away so much of who I am. Now I feel my windows no longer bring joy, just numbness. No torture, but no life.

Learning how to “accept” and “live with” this crap is a really, really hard pill to swallow. I can’t even really have the sense of humor to say pun intended.

The further out I get, the more fragile I become. It’s actually humiliating because everyone on this forum is so unbreakable and hungry for life. I read posts and comments of people being in the WORST place of their life mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, etc, but still being SO HOPEFUL. Why am I so weak now?

If it really gets this bad for other people… how do you survive? Truly how do you do it? I forgot how… I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been struggling for a year now and I just feel so done… a lot of you have been dealing with this for YEARS and still pushing on like absolute warriors.

How are you so eager to push through? That’s where I struggle. I want to learn where this hunger comes from. I lost it. Why did I lose it? How do I get it back? I’m really frustrated with myself quite honestly.

I don’t know what to do when the next wave comes. I’m so scared man. I feel that I’ve lost all of my resources. I struggle immensely with meditation now and that rips me apart. I’ve lost my mind and imagination. Praying is useless now. Breathing is useless… (breathing exercises)

I really hope whoever is reading this is doing well and feeling happy with life because that’s what I want for you. I can’t be there for people because I can’t be there for myself anymore and I absolutely hate myself for it. It’s just so awful. Sending all my love to all of you. Healing will happen… I just don’t know how to get there anymore.

Are you really sure about this statement?   Do you really think it is true? 

"It’s actually humiliating because everyone on this forum is so unbreakable and hungry for life ..."

I thought I would reply here as I am one of the long haulers, I am one of those you might think has incredible strength, it isn't true.   However long it takes, we all take one day at a time whether it is one year or 10 years.   We go through stages, some stages are easier than other stages, we make progress, we go backwards, we feel desperate and defeated but we hang on somehow.  

" ... a lot of you have been dealing with this for YEARS and still pushing on like absolute warriors." 

I never thought of it as "pushing on", it was just a case of living day to day, in fact hour by hour for a long time as that was all that was possible.  When it got a bit easier, it became day by day, then after a while it was possible to think further ahead.

In a way we all have to accept the situation in one way or another, what else can we do?   We can all hope for it to get better and usually it does but it takes longer for some people.   Sometimes we feel stronger, other times we feel weaker.  The longer it goes on the harder it may be to stay strong as it takes its toll.  It is understandable that a window won't bring joy if you have just been through a terrible wave and you will of course fear the next wave. 

"I promise I was fighting but I’m weak. I’ve lost."  You haven't lost because you are still here.  You certainly are not weak, no more weak than anyone else.  

I agree that however we feel, the healing is happening anyway, whether we are feeling strong, weak, determined or defeated. 

I certainly was defeated by the whole process, completely traumatised ..  however here I am.   I have largely recovered though not completely.  

So take heart, you are not alone, you are going through what most people likely go through.  

I wish you all the best.   

Edited October 13, 2023 by [lo...]

[[de...]]

I am so sorry you feel this way.   The road to complete recovery is difficult, but you ARE recovering.   What  @[ia...] and @[lo...] said is so true.   I understand how lonely this can feel, but you are not alone.  

There are untold numbers of people who have been where you are and have gone on to live wonderful lives.   

[[ia...]]

@[lo...] and @[ph...] There is so much truth here. Hearing some of the story and perspective of a long hauler is so insightful. What you said about taking things day by day, hour by hour... could not be more true. How many times have we been in the trenches and have to take this process moment by moment? I want to share a story - that has some relevance here. I'll do my best to keep it concise. 

When I was in treatment for Opioid dependency, I was required to listen to speakers 3X daily. 2/3 times each day, the speakers were those who had completed their inpatient several years prior, who were paying it forward, by coming back to their alma mater, to share their experience of strength and hope. When I was in the midst of going through the WORST WDs of my life... it gave me hope to hear that others had come out on the other side. 

One day, I went to the auditorium where speakers presented. The auditorium was PACKED with hundreds of individuals in the depths of their inpatient treatment. The man speaking was a Native American man, who grew up on the reservation. He was tall, with long black hair and dressed in jeans and white T-shirt with a black leather jacket. He had a stoic demeanor. He was 15 years sober and sharing his story. He came from a long line of family members who had been chemically dependent. He had... immense trauma. To provide a small amount of context; when he was four, his father poured gasoline on him and lit him on fire.. this was one of several stories he shared. He said something that I have never forgotten that will always stay with me.... he shared part of his story saying:

"I was a mess using meth amphetamine and drinking every day. I was high or drunk every minute of every day for over ten years. One day, a man came up to me on the street and invited me to an NA meeting. I went to the meeting with him. For the first time, I had been sober for 4 hours. After the meeting I said to the man who invited me, "When is the next meeting? How will I make it without using, until the next meeting." The man replied....

"Breathe in. Don't use. Breathe out. Breathe in. Don't use. Breathe out."

This stuck with me... because there have been so many moments in my life/recovery with opioids and benzos where ALL I could do, was breathe in, not use, breathe out. I understand this story is not directly applicable to everyone as many of us here did not get addicted to benzos by 'abusing' them. But all the same... no matter how we came to be on benzos, recovery comes with similar obstacles. At the end of this man's presentation - he sang the most beautiful song in Navajo. The entire auditorium was in tears... in awe of the immense beauty of his story. 

One moment, hour and day at a time... we will heal, recover... and rebuild a life better than we had... 

[[me...]]

Hi iatheorigionalaudigirl  what a wonderful story from a man that had been through so much. Thankyou for sharing it....💕

 

[[re...]]

I'm at 2 months. No taper for me as I can't find any benzos or get prescribed. I hope you come back with some better news soon because now I'm really worried. Please come back with a success story to motivate the rest of us..

[[Lo...]]

Hi, Phen...

     I lose my acceptance on a regular basis. Like almost every night!    It's such an up/down experience...and an experience that can be very light on the ups! It's like the ups are little more than "not downs'". I think that acceptance is something we do FOR ourselves. We do it because we are entirely exhausted, because we feel utterly powerless, because we are afraid, because NOT accepting really increases the struggle--like quicksand!

    It's been a few days since you've posted, and I really hope that you've been granted a little reprieve...even just a bit. It seems like that's  how this dog and pony show goes. 

Best Luck to You, Lolly

[[Am...]]

I apologize in advance for not understanding the term of acceptance. When y’all are speaking about “acceptance “, could someone enlighten me exactly how this is meant? 

[[lo...]]

6 hours ago, [[A...] said:

I apologize in advance for not understanding the term of acceptance. When y’all are speaking about “acceptance “, could someone enlighten me exactly how this is meant? 

It may means different things to different people.  For me it just meant this is the situation I now find myself in, I can't change it, I have to find ways to deal with it. 

[[de...]]

@[lo...] That is pretty much how I look at acceptance.   I think a nuanced part of acceptance is not fighting the symptoms.     

[[lo...]]

1 hour ago, [[d...] said:

@[lo...] That is pretty much how I look at acceptance.   I think a nuanced part of acceptance is not fighting the symptoms.     

I just view it like any other illness, if I had the flu I would have to accept I had the flu until I managed to recover from it. 

[[Am...]]

@[lo...] I have accepted my situation and  what I am going through. However, I cannot allow myself to accept I will always be like this. I think if I accepted that I would go mad. I was just trying to distinguish if that was what y’all were discussing. 

[[lo...]]

18 hours ago, [[A...] said:

@[lo...] I have accepted my situation and  what I am going through. However, I cannot allow myself to accept I will always be like this. I think if I accepted that I would go mad. I was just trying to distinguish if that was what y’all were discussing.  

I understand.   I doubt there are many people who don't see any change in their symptoms so it is important to hope for as good a recovery as possible.  I didn't see much change for a few years then the improvements became noticeable. 

[[Ma...]]

I feel the same…

I cannot cope much longer and even though I lose the will to live I keep telling myself to not die cause I have a daughter. But my physical neurological pains and dystonia is ungoing, no windows. I feel like I died 2 years ago, 

most people I know have some sort of life they can for example go outside for a 2 minute walk , they can cook themselves , they see progression every 3-4 months. While I am still worsening . Mentally I am better as my akathasia is much less. Some days even completely gone. But my physical torture is so bad I can’t cope much longer. Please hang in there. You are not alone with this feeling . Close to 24 months of utter hell

[[lo...]]

15 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

I feel the same…

I cannot cope much longer and even though I lose the will to live I keep telling myself to not die cause I have a daughter. But my physical neurological pains and dystonia is ungoing, no windows. I feel like I died 2 years ago, 

most people I know have some sort of life they can for example go outside for a 2 minute walk , they can cook themselves , they see progression every 3-4 months. While I am still worsening . Mentally I am better as my akathasia is much less. Some days even completely gone. But my physical torture is so bad I can’t cope much longer. Please hang in there. You are not alone with this feeling . Close to 24 months of utter hell

I understand what you are going through.  I hoped that maybe in the first 2 years I would see noticeable improvements.   It was hard to find them.  Then I decided to see what happened every 3 months after that but I still didn't see much in the way of improvements.  The physical torture was really unbearable and I don't know how I managed to endure it, I did sleep a lot which helped of course.  It is good that you are mentally better and the akathisia is much less.  You clearly have endured so much in the first 2 years, try to hang onto the hope this is going to get better.  I think it was about 3 years before I managed to walk outside.  I can't remember the timescale clearly now without going back to my written records which I prefer not to read!

[[Ma...]]

1 minute ago, [[l...] said:

I understand what you are going through.  I hoped that maybe in the first 2 years I would see noticeable improvements.   It was hard to find them.  Then I decided to see what happened every 3 months after that but I still didn't see much in the way of improvements.  The physical torture was really unbearable and I don't know how I managed to endure it, I did sleep a lot which helped of course.  It is good that you are mentally better and the akathisia is much less.  You clearly have endured so much in the first 2 years, try to hang onto the hope this is going to get better.  I think it was about 3 years before I managed to walk outside.  I can't remember the timescale clearly now without going back to my written records which I prefer not to read!

You are so strong and i relate to some of your posts. 
Did you ever take Botox or something for you muscles that turn into stone @[lo...]

 

waht year did u notice some improvements?

thanks so much for your help you are very sweet 

I just wrote you in pm

Much love 

you are a warrior 

[[lo...]]

11 minutes ago, [[M...] said:

You are so strong and i relate to some of your posts. 
Did you ever take Botox or something for you muscles that turn into stone @[lo...]

waht year did u notice some improvements?

thanks so much for your help you are very sweet 

I just wrote you in pm

Much love 

you are a warrior 

Hi. I have just replied to your PM.  I didn't take anything but I wasn't in such a dire situation as you are clearly in.  I didn't think anything would make a difference and was too worried it might make the situation worse. I took vitamins and some supplements but can't say whether they helped at all.  It was really Year 4 that I started to turn the corner so to speak.  That doesn't mean there were zero improvements until then but they were very small improvements and didn't improve my quality of life very much.  For example, I had nerve pain all over my body and that disappeared completely during the first few years.   That actually sounds like a major change which I suppose it was but when you are suffering so much for so many different symptoms it doesn't feel like much of an improvement!

Edited October 18, 2023 by [lo...]

[[ia...]]

@[lo...]I just wanted to reply and comment on this.. that must have taken SO MUCH FORTITUDE... to make four years until substantial progress. I'm happy for you you've improved and continue to - its sounds like... 

What were the major improvements that happened at year 4? After the nerve pain improved?

[[lo...]]

On 28/10/2023 at 05:18, [[i...] said:

@[lo...]I just wanted to reply and comment on this.. that must have taken SO MUCH FORTITUDE... to make four years until substantial progress. I'm happy for you you've improved and continue to - its sounds like... What were the major improvements that happened at year 4? After the nerve pain improved?

Thank you, it was a terrible ordeal.   I have been looking at my log which I kept during the worst years and see it was more of a rollercoaster than I had remembered, sometimes thinking I was getting better and then getting worse again.  My worst symptoms were severe head pressure, squeezing sensations inside my brain,  nerve pain of course, lack of communication between my brain and body which meant my legs/arms didn't function normally,  very bad depersonalisation and derealisation, severe cognitive impairment, light and sound sensitivity, lack of body temperature control, bowel, bladder and gut problems, sleep pattern totally disrupted   So really my whole body was impacted.  At the 4th year I still had all these symptoms to varying degrees but the nerve pain had gone.  I hit another crisis at that point when things became significantly worse.  I had been trying to make myself walk and it caused another bad reaction in my brain, I couldn't breathe and had to call out ambulances.   However this crisis forced me to seek medical consultations, investigations, a brain scan, various tests etc not that that achieved very much.  I realised I had to get out of this situation one way or another.  I saw a physiotherapist, I started to get to a swimming pool, I tried reflexology, I employed assistance to take me out of the house in a wheelchair, I had many sessions with a chiropractor which definitely helped me  From that point on I started to make progress again and gradually with each passing year since then symptoms gradually diminished.  The fact that I could even get out of the house, that I could keep appointments. was a huge breakthrough, also being able to cope with a home carer coming once a week at a set time and going out with her to the supermarket and shopping centres in the wheelchair.   All that was impossible in the first few years.  After a year I no longe needed her help, I would have stopped chiropractor appointments, I had been using a rollator for walking and was able to stop using that.  I increased the swimming, walking as much as I could manage and tried to get out as. often as possible to meet with friends for coffee etc. 

 

 

Edited October 29, 2023 by [lo...]

[[er...]]

On 12/10/2023 at 16:33, [[p...] said:

I really regret to say that acceptance is something I’ve let go of… I struggle with it so much when it used to come so easily. I used to be so strong. I really wish I wasn’t letting this win but my strength is gone now. I promise I was fighting but I’m weak. I’ve lost.

I’m 8 months off and finally in a window following the worst wave I’ve ever had since acute. It rocked me to my core and stripped away so much of who I am. Now I feel my windows no longer bring joy, just numbness. No torture, but no life.

Learning how to “accept” and “live with” this crap is a really, really hard pill to swallow. I can’t even really have the sense of humor to say pun intended.

The further out I get, the more fragile I become. It’s actually humiliating because everyone on this forum is so unbreakable and hungry for life. I read posts and comments of people being in the WORST place of their life mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, etc, but still being SO HOPEFUL. Why am I so weak now?

If it really gets this bad for other people… how do you survive? Truly how do you do it? I forgot how… I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been struggling for a year now and I just feel so done… a lot of you have been dealing with this for YEARS and still pushing on like absolute warriors.

How are you so eager to push through? That’s where I struggle. I want to learn where this hunger comes from. I lost it. Why did I lose it? How do I get it back? I’m really frustrated with myself quite honestly.

I don’t know what to do when the next wave comes. I’m so scared man. I feel that I’ve lost all of my resources. I struggle immensely with meditation now and that rips me apart. I’ve lost my mind and imagination. Praying is useless now. Breathing is useless… (breathing exercises)

I really hope whoever is reading this is doing well and feeling happy with life because that’s what I want for you. I can’t be there for people because I can’t be there for myself anymore and I absolutely hate myself for it. It’s just so awful. Sending all my love to all of you. Healing will happen… I just don’t know how to get there anymore.

I get it..it's scary...and all I can tell you is that I'm in the ring with you...and I hope if God Forbid I get there...and I know how easy it is to get there.... I can have someone tell me "Don't give up" you will never know if tomorrow is your day of redemption....may God Bless you and give you the strength to keep moving forward... I always say that to become the person I want to become,  I have to do something I never done...

[[ph...]]

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply to this post. I logged out after I posted it. I was just a bit ashamed of it for some reason.. So I left for a while but I’m glad I came back. I regret not responding sooner.

I will do my best to write replies to as many of you as I possibly can throughout my day and rest of week. I’m a slow thinker these days and work a lot, so I apologize in advance.. but I really do appreciate you all and absolutely will be writing replies.  

As an update for some hope: I’m in a much better place now than I was when I posted, especially in terms of accepting my present life for what it is right now. I may have symptoms that feel isolating, but I have amazing, unbelievably accepting and understanding friends and we got back in touch again. Also, very lovely coworkers as well. And most of all, the people on this forum. Connection keeps me alive walking through the flames. I’m not alone. You aren’t alone either, if you feel like you are. I know I do.

Please… anybody feeling as though they can’t accept this anymore or go on any longer, just set goals for yourself first. It’s what works for me at least. Please just make it one more month, one more week. I feel like I’ll never heal… but before I decide anything “drastic”, I need to make it 3 more months so I can be off for a full year, then reevaluate. That is my goal. I’m also making myself reach out to my friends at least once per day no matter what, and I’m feeling so much better with my life. I really am. Just wanted to maybe shed some kind of hope for anyone reading this. It gets better.

I feel I maybe presented my post in a slightly selfish way… I am NOT AT ALL the only person feeling as though they can’t go on any longer. I’m isolating myself from the very people who relate to me the deepest. 

I think @[ia...] (who I will absolutely be writing a reply to among others as well!!) made a point I was looking for this entire time deep down: “If it really gets this bad for other people… how do you survive?Truly how do you do it? <  Purpose.” PURPOSE!!!

It seems so obvious now. No wonder I felt (and often feel) so little reason in continuing to suffer so needlessly day after day. What’s the point?? Well, I have no purpose. That’s a personal problem obviously, but maybe some people will be able to unfortunately relate?

I think right now one of my purposes is to just be the person I want to see in the world. It’s what makes me feel better and it’s what has helped me mature as a person so deeply. Just one year ago I was extremely wrathful, never towards people, but the way I thought, and now, my worst now would have been my best back then. So, symptoms aside, my life is getting better.

Once again, I want to say how much I appreciate those of you who reached out, and to those of you who see no hope, trust me, I was literally JUST there, and I was NOT handling it well. And now, I’m better. I’m okay now and you will be too  it just works like that I guess…

Set your goals and find your purpose if you can. Hit your milestones. 6 month mark, 9 month, one year, 18 months, 2 years, etc. Let the symptoms come as they come, because that is just the process of getting to the goal. Assess where you are in life. Were you at a 10/10 three months ago, and feel as though now you’re at a 7/10? Then another 3 months, a 5/10, and so on?

Focusing on nothing but the negatives (which is impossible not to do in the beginning) warps your perspective a lot, because truthfully, I’ve made very significant healing despite symptoms. For example, I thought I’d never sleep more than about 2 hours at a time, and now I’m getting a full 5-6, which seemed IMPOSSIBLE to me at a certain point. I just get blinded by terrible mindsets.

I work full-time, go to the store, go through drive thrus and drive on the freeway, go out with my friends (went to an amusement park, baseball game, and soon to be going to a rock concert!!!!), and despite my symptoms that pop up, my life is alright… I just wanted to maybe spark some hope for whoever may be reading this. Please keep hanging in there for me.

Love to all of you! If I can do this, so can you, and I’ll be there right by your side doing it with you, and I will be there for you. I will be trying my best to write replies here as much as I can! Happiness and healing to all.  

[[bw...]]

Anheodia is a symptom too dont forget..

[[bw...]]

12 months off benzos I was so much worse than I was 2 months off benzos. It was horror. Believe me, it goes away.

 

Just be mindful of antibiotics. A