Things that eased, squeezed, and that I need help with!

[[ca...]]

I've been lurking for awhile.  Figured I might as well reach out for support & attempt to organize my thoughts.  

I'm a 39 y/o female. Very fit, petite, with a rapid metabolism.  

About a year and a half ago I ended up in trouble with a xanax prescription from my roommate. At the time I was having panic attacks that were so debilitating that I was blacking out and injuring myself.  I NEVER in a million years thought that I'd end up taking them daily.  My best friend had died the previous year due to not receiving a clonazepam refill in time to save her from the epilepsy that had overtaken her life.  So, survivors guilt. A lot of guilt in general because frankly, I shouldn't be alive.  Most of my friends and past lovers aren't. I'm a recovering heroin addict (been clean for 10 years; 6 of those years on subs, 2 on kratom. Benzo dose went up during withdrawal, then basically dived right into tapering the benzos after years tapering off MAT. I should probably mention that during this time I also cold turkey'd off 90 mg/day of Adderall, and either stopped taking or tapered off a laundry list of other psych meds). I'm currently still on a high dose of gabapentin and baclofen and have been for over 6 years.  Apart from this, I am prescribed clonidine, seroquel, and ondonstetron prn for managing withdrawal symptoms. The latter two I take quite sparingly; the clonidine, however, has become a daily habit. I'm also a medical cannabis patient and psylocibin advocate. I don't think I would have been able to push through this the way I have if not for the 2 flood doses of mushrooms I've taken during the taper that have changed my life in so, so, so many ways. 

I have an amazing doctor who has been through benzo withdrawal himself and is extremely supportive. He is very much letting me take the wheel for the duration of the taper, which is amazing, but I have started feeling a bit lost. Days are murky, and I'm honestly having trouble making sure that I'm tapering in a linear fashion. The drop and hold method hasn't worked so I've mostly been breaking the pills down little by little every few days or so. Here's a rough narrative of my progress.

March 2023 -  Began tapering off 50mg/day of Diazepam. Totaled my car. Had a psychotic break. Did not sleep, eat, shower, or get out of bed for 6 weeks. Was probably concurrently experiencing PAWS from being on MAT for so long.  By mid-April my outlook began to improve but I should probably mention that my withdrawal symptoms have NEVER balanced out. BZD from beginning to now. Worst has been insomnia, tremors, paranoia, agoraphobia, depersonalization, phantom sensations, inability to focus (definitely enhanced by the severe ADHD I'm unmedicated for) - as well as serious spinal issues and nerve damage. I can't definitively blame this on benzos, but as someone who practices yoga for upwards of 6 hours/day, I find it hard to believe that the chronic pain isn't related to the pills/taper/etc. Timing lines up.

Continued dropping at a rate of about 5 mg ever 2 weeks up until late August, when my dose had reached about 10mg/day and doctor sent in 5 mg pills instead. At this point I began tapering at a rate of about 1 mg every 2 weeks, but frankly I haven't been 100% convinced of my accuracy.  Now, my doctor has sent in 2mg pills and I'm ALMOST at the 6mg/day mark but again, I'm afraid my pill breaking method isn't accurate enough and will start to cause more problems than it solves. I don't think I'm going to require a liquid taper, but I really do need to be more proactive about charting and cutting my doses with greater accuracy.

That said. For about a 3 - 4 month period I was able to push through the withdrawal symptoms. I found a stack of supplements that helped - Taurine, Ginger Extract, L-theanine, a probiotic, multivitamin (I've had non-stop digestive issues so the multivitamin has been especially essential. On top of the GERD & IBS, I have severely disordered eating. Initially, I actually lost 35 pounds, was unable to eat at all from the withdrawals/psychosis. This has been a struggle the entire taper.  I don't want to eat. Eventually, it got to a point where I had to reckon with the reality that I am fully grown and incapable of feeding myself.

I leaned into nutrition, researching and incorporating elements from anti-inflammatory & gaba-boosting/glutamate-reducing diets. I forced myself to eat throughout the day to stabilize my blood-sugar. I began to attempt to structure my life again to the best of my ability. I am unable to work right now, which is a blessing and a curse. My partner is *just* able to cover our expenses so my days have centered around health, growth and well-being. Yoga, hot/cold showers, self-care, both playing and listening to music, anything I could do to take my mind off of the physical sensations and latent anxiety I continued to experience. For all the misery of benzo withdrawal, the process, at least for me, has been extremely enlightening, albeit not in an altogether pleasant way. I have PTSD. I've suppressed a lot of memories and they've ALL come flooding back, along with constant waking dreams and brutal truths about my life and personality, all seemingly hurtled at me from every direction. I've tried to embrace this. I believe that my psylocibin encounters, daily yoga practice, and use of music and cannabis to both calm & enhance are all part and parcel to my healing process, enabling me to tap into a deeper, much more spiritual reality than I ever thought possible before embarking on this hell safari.

As the insomnia never lifted, I researched different herbs, eventually stumbling upon a naturopath in Brazil who recommended a combination of mulungu, passionflower, and lemonbalm to help with sleep.  IT DID.  In fact ALL of this was helping up until a few weeks ago.

At my current dose, I feel that I've reached a threshold where adjunctive meds and supplements aren't as effective.  I'm REALLY struggling to eat again. I am compelled to chain smoke even though the nicotine is spiking my anxiety (I've smoked for half my life and since I can't use a patch right now because the nicotine itself is disabling, I'm just doing my best to cut back. Difficult.) I'm flooded with paranoia and fear about continuing to drop.  I worry my taper has become erratic. My symptoms are so non-linear that I never really know if I'm feeling better and *ready* to start dropping again. Obviously, I have the desire to push through all of this as fast as possible while being fully aware that this is exactly the point at which I need to breathe, pace myself, and lean into mindfulness. I'm wondering if I should just do an even, scored drop of both the morning and evening dose to get myself back on a clear path, but since I'm not convinced about what dose I'm actually taking, I worry that it will be a bigger drop than I think.  

I hope some of this makes sense, and contains both helpful suggestions and relatable struggles. I welcome any feedback and encouragement to keep me going through this final stretch. I am going to need it.... 

[[de...]]

Welcome!  So glad you are here!  Your story is amazing!  You have done a lot of work to take care of yourself!  There will be others that weigh in who are much more knowledgeable than I about tapering.  I will say initially, you need to figure out what dosage you are currently taking, and then continue your taper.  You have been tapering pretty quickly and may need to slow that down as your dose gets lower.  
 

You are in the right place, and will get lots of help as you continue to withdraw from Diazepam.

[[Th...]]

I can’t offer advice on the taper (other than to say don’t discount the liquid as a possibility - personally I’ve found it way easier to track than trying to accurately cut dry pills). I really just wanted to add that the Ashton Manual says that the memory flood you’re describing is a sign of the brain healing; it means that the centers that were being artificially numbed are starting to recuperate and function normally again. So in addition to the aspect of self-enlightenment, it’s also a sign of hope and recovery that that’s happening.

As someone with chronic illness who has had to survive a lot of things, the way I think of it for myself is that we’re actually at our strongest potential when we’re the most broken, because that’s when we begin to rebuild. And you? You have rebuilt yourself over and over, including in multiple ways just in the past six months. You have Arnold Schwartznegger-level muscles for rebuilding.

If there are three things your life has taught you, those are surviving, rebuilding, and enduring. And you will use those three incredibly well-developed skills to continue to grow through this, hold your fear’s hand while continuing to move forward, and endure and survive this last stage of your taper, rebuilding all the while.

[[ia...]]

@[ca...] Hi love, nice to meet you virtually and thank you for introducing yourself and sharing your story. I wanted to say 'hi' as we have much in common; we are both 39 y/o women and ... recovering from opioid narcotics. I've been on buprenorphine (previously subs) for several years. I just finished my taper off two different benzos that I tapered concurrently.

I became dependent on two different benzos, was on them for three years- tapered for one year and just jumped in June (Diaz) and August (Xanax). 

I did the cut-and-hold method - and never leveled out in the one year I tapered. I honestly never felt 'right' during the entire taper. I always had multiple difficult symptoms including insomnia.... tingling/neuropathy, irritability, serious hormone issues I'm still battling, sweating, lack of concentration and the WORST gut issues I've ever had.

What changed for me, was when I finally jumped off the last of two benzos... it was like my body was just READY to be off. Here's the thing... 

The days leading up to my jump... I felt AWFUL. My symptoms were really the worst the two weeks before I jumped. The two days after I jumped... I started to IMMEDIATELY feel better. My body wanted OFF these drugs. Now... that doesn't mean my advice to you, is to jump. But I do want to reiterate... that I believe some of us, our bodies just never feel 'right' while on these meds, even with weeks in between cuts. It sounds like you're doing all the right things with the supplements. Do you get sunshine/outside?

One of the things that really helped me toward the end was eating 100% plant based. This was a huge game changer with the WS symptoms. Can you confirm - that you're on 5-6mg currently? 

Enjoyed reading your story - and looking forward to connecting further. Grateful you're here. You have come SO far.