I need some guidance

[[Ve...]]

I've been reading bb stories for a wk now and some stories scare the heck out of me while others want to make me keep pushing. I've been on benzos for 16yrs. I took Xanax  for the first 4 yrs and then klonopin the next 12 yrs until now. Starting June 1st dropped from 1mg-2mg a day to .5 of klonopin until Sept. 10 that I stopped CT, not because I wanted to but because I couldn't get anymore. The reason is because I had moved out of state and have no dr. (Sorry if I'm all over the place but I have the illest anxiety that I can't breathe, I'm shaking and I keep disassociating)I had refills in the previous state I lived in but didn't have anyone to send them to me until now. I didn't start getting withdrawals until I was at 10 days in, I thought I dodged it cause it was more than a wk. But it started with pain and burning in my legs, then dpdr, twitching, startle easily. when I walk I feel like the floor and walls are moving. I was able to deal with that. But recently, to be precise on Sept. 26 I got a frantic call that my son was attacked and assaulted. This sent my down the rabbit hole. OMG, I've been getting panic attacks behind panic attacks. My dpdr got worse, I can't watch anything with ppl getting hurt or anything violent. They trigger very dark thoughts about my son and I can't shut it off. I can't eat and I have diarrhea. My heart is constantly pounding, I have no energy, I'm dizzy and scared, anxious. I'm literally shaking all the time. I currently live with family because I lost my place of living. 

I thought I can do this because I overcame my addiction to percocet, vicodin and tramadol 4 yrs ago.

I forgot to add that I stopped my 75mg of doxepin for sleep when I was on the .5mg of klonopin. But went back on when I CT the k. Some days it helps with sleep and other days it doesn't. I also was addicted to dephrohydramine, for sleep. I also stopped that. I suffer from depression and I was always prescribed antidepressants, but I never took them.

Yesterday, I received my 2 bottles of my klonopin. 120 pills in total, 1mg. I had cut them up into .25 mg. I need some guidance, I don't know what to do. I literally feel like I'm going crazy, I talk to family about my sxs, but they truly can't understand what I'm going through. I feel so alone, I say to myself why I had to stop now but, I want to keep going. It's been 22 days without that demon in me. But what my son is going through and losing my place to live is really adding to all this. I have feelings of guilt all the time. If I go back on them I'm scared next time it will be worse or what if the .25 doesn't do me well. I only have 120 pills even if I want to taper I don't know how to start a taper. I'm going out of my mind. Somebody please help. I'm desperate. 

[[Co...]]

Hello @[Ve...]. Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

If you are intending to quit, then it probably would best to reinstate to a dose just high enough for you to feel OK. How did you feel when you when you were taking 0.5mg Klonopin?

Do you still not have a doctor? It would be beneficial to have 0.5mg tablets, as these will allow you to make smaller cuts to your dose. And, of course, you can mix and match so that you can eek out your 0.5mg tablets (if you can obtain them). You might even explain that you have decided to quit, but only have 1mg tablets, but 0.5mg tablets would allow you to make smaller cuts, and you will not need any refills. What do you think?

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[Ve...],welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Stress is a huge trigger and it sounds like your son’s trauma really did a number on you, I’m so sorry for you and your son, I hope he’s okay.

I can see you’re suffering and I understand, we all do.  When you make your decision, .5 mg may be a good place as @[Co...] suggested, we’ll be here for you if you decide to reinstate or if you choose to continue as you are. 

Pamster

[[...]]

When I quit Klon/ clonasepam after tapering to 1/32 it took 3-4 Weeks until the symptoms kicked in ( I became non-functional -30 yrs use).So you may need to reinstate. 

If you decide to reinstate my suggestion is to take 1/4 in the morning and then decide if you need another 1/4 in the evening.

1/4 is a lot less duration to taper.

If you're one of the lucky people and don't have to reinstate that would be great.

A anyway I took another 1/32 dose 6 months after I quit. It was a waste, I just got bad thoughts and it did nothing for my other symptoms.

Good luck to you whatever you do.

PS: All the things you listed sound like benzo symptoms.

Edited October 2, 2023 by [...]
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[[Ve...]]

@[Co...] I was doing ok on the .5mg. I mean the first 3 wks, I did have some sort of withdrawal that consisted of dizziness, nausea and some sleep disturbance. But it was doable. For the next 2 months I was functioning ok. And @[...] I think I'm gonna try off with .25 and if it doesn't help, I'll do the .5. But my mind keeps reminding me that I currently have no access to a Dr if I need future meds. And If I do get access to one, what if they don't prescribe benzos. I'm scared that if I reinstate, when I get off again the next withdrawal will be worst. I really tend to overthink things. My head is my worst enemy. 

Edited October 3, 2023 by [Ve...]

[[...]]

Either way I am concerned about the medical monopoly. Word is finally getting out how bad their benzos really are. Dr shopping shouldn't be a thing.

The pushers are handing out z drugs now. ( don't take z drugs ! ).

I'm of the opinion take anything except benzos, z drugs, and booze. They all mess up the mind too much and can be deadly.

Wish you the best and hope 1/4 mg works out for you. No shame if .5 is needed.

[[Ch...]]

[[...]]

1/32 is breaking a .5 mg pill in half 4 times. 

To lazy for scale.lol.  )

[[Ve...]]

@[...] How long were you non functional when your withdrawals kicked in. I only ask because you been on it for so long. Are you still dealing with it?

[[...]]

I was on 30 yrs.   Inter dose withdrawal for a  few years. (I needed to work and didn't want to up dose).  I might have tapered too fast too. So do not go by my experience.

I was mostly bed / couch bound, but could  still get groceries at night for the first 5 months.

Another 5-6  months mostly housebound. Got out more but still had the agoraphobia.

Now I'm just more nervous than I should be when out and about. Always mindful of possible panic attack.

Hope that doesn't trigger anyone...

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by [...]
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