Could use a bit of reassurance

[[Ze...]]

It´s in the middle of the night here. "Woke up" with a jolt several hours ago, and it was completely impossible to go back to sleep. My muscles tensed so much they became rigid and I had to pace around a bit because I was feeling like I was going to cramp up or faint everytime I sat or lied down. I have naturally low blood pressure so I don´t think that helps much with the wd-symptoms.

What I could use some reassurance about is that I´m not going to have a seizure, but that it´s rather just my fear of fainting and not being able to breathe which makes my w/d-symptoms worse...(?) The pressure inside my head feels like something cold and hot is creeping around my skull right under my skin, it´s such a weird feeling and makes me scared that I´m having a stroke (although I can talk and lift my arms and smile, so I guess it´s "just" withdrawal). It also feels like my throat is cramping and expanding at the same time, like this pressure from both the inside and outside of my neck/throat/larynx (weird and scary). On top of my swallow reflex being unpredictible, my nose stuffy and my throat dry (yes, I hydrate, but that only helps in the moment) which adds to the feeling of not being able to breathe. 

What I have done to try and calm myself down: Walked around a bit, watched some TV, meditated (using an app) and tried to focus on the reassuring things you guys are saying in this forum (such as fear being a symptom in itself and to focus on the step in front of me rather than the whole staircase), which helps. But everytime I lay down to try to go back to sleep the feeling of falling/fainting/hot-cold brain/can´t breate.... comes back and I need to sit up again. I really need some sleep but now it´s gotten to the point where I´m scared to lay down.

Some background info:
I have been using diazepam on and off for ca a year, with days and even whole monts off the drug (February - April) before starting again in May. My usual dose has been between 5 and 10 mg, taken in the evening. I quit diazepam cold turkey 13 days ago. "Tapered" for a week, but very unstructured - I just cut a couple of 10 mg pills into 4 corners and distributed them over a week, basically. Then I jumped. Didn´t feel much for the first 4 days, but then the w/d hit me. 

So far I feel I have been lucky in terms of how bad the withdrawal sympoms are (compared to other people I´ve heard/read about). I have A LOT of different symptoms, but on a scale of 1 to 10, most of them are between 3 and 6. However: this "waking-with-a-jolt-feeling-like-I-can´t-breathe-and-that-I´m-going-to-faint/have a seizure" is really anxiety provoking. I passed out once earlier this year, probably because I was dehydrated and sick and I woke up with bruises but otherwise fine. It didn´t really bother me back then, but now that I´m off diazepam I´m worried that it will happen again (don´t know what the logic is in that, my brain isn´t very logic these days tbh) and that I will die from it. I live alone and my social network is in a different city, so if I died noone would find me for a long, long time (great thoughts to have in the middle of the night, lol). 

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[Ze...],welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Yep, fear is one of our worst symptoms that seems to make the rest of them even worse.  I’m glad you’ve done a bit of reading here and happy you’ve joined us, this is too awful to go through alone.

I would imagine the Diazepam is exiting your system, it takes awhile since its so long acting so I’m not surprised your symptoms are going up a notch or two.  Your taper was pretty rapid but if you don’t have a history of seizures, you’re probably going to be okay.  I know its a fear though, I had the same one.

I’m glad you’re using meditation and understand we have to try to survive each minute by not looking too far into the future but this latest symptom is a rough one, you need rest.

We’re here for you so you’re not alone anymore.  Hopefully other members can relate to what you’re feeling tonight, I didn’t have that symptom but thats not unusual, each of our experiences are unique to us. 

Pamster

[[Ze...]]

1 minute ago, [[P...] said:

Hello @[Ze...],welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Yep, fear is one of our worst symptoms that seems to make the rest of them even worse.  I’m glad you’ve done a bit of reading here and happy you’ve joined us, this is too awful to go through alone.

I would imagine the Diazepam is exiting your system, it takes awhile since its so long acting so I’m not surprised your symptoms are going up a notch or two.  Your taper was pretty rapid but if you don’t have a history of seizures, you’re probably going to be okay.  I know its a fear though, I had the same one.

I’m glad you’re using meditation and understand we have to try to survive each minute by not looking too far into the future but this latest symptom is a rough one, you need rest.

We’re here for you so you’re not alone anymore.  Hopefully other members can relate to what you’re feeling tonight, I didn’t have that symptom but thats not unusual, each of our experiences are unique to us. 

Pamster

Thank you so much, Pamster. What you are saying is very reassuring and really helps a lot. It helps me feel like I´m not going crazy, which again makes me  better equipped to convince my brain that it can calm down and I´m not gonna die. I´m so grateful for this forum and for all the people who are contributing to it with their knowledge and experience. 

[[Ze...]]

Btw: I do not have a history of seizures, luckily. 

[[Pa...]]

9 hours ago, [[Z...] said:

Btw: I do not have a history of seizures, luckily. 

This is good news, I hope you got some sleep.  And you’re not going crazy, but we need the reassurance because we can’t trust our brain right now, sad to say. 

[[Am...]]

I went through this as well. It gets better! You are not going insane, your brain is trying to heal itself right now. When you are in the thick of it, you may not be able to make sense out of things. You are going to get better and those jolts awake! I definitely have experienced those. They are horrible and to be honest, something I still fear at night. However, I do not have them any more. They will go away eventually though. Your brain just has to correct the chemical imbalances.

[[Ze...]]

On 02/10/2023 at 13:53, [[P...] said:

This is good news, I hope you got some sleep.  And you’re not going crazy, but we need the reassurance because we can’t trust our brain right now, sad to say. 

You are so right. I really, really needed the reassurance. It felt like my brain was "failing"/dysfunctioning in a way that was (is) completely foreign to me. I´m so grateful you were there to calm me down a bit. Yesterday was much better and I made the most out of it (took a walk along the sea, which felt really therapeutic)

[[Ze...]]

On 02/10/2023 at 19:52, [[A...] said:

I went through this as well. It gets better! You are not going insane, your brain is trying to heal itself right now. When you are in the thick of it, you may not be able to make sense out of things. You are going to get better and those jolts awake! I definitely have experienced those. They are horrible and to be honest, something I still fear at night. However, I do not have them any more. They will go away eventually though. Your brain just has to correct the chemical imbalances.

Yeah...sounds like this is a pretty common theme (the jolts awake). I´m sorry you too had that. It´s so terrifying (and yes, I too fear them at night).
I find comfort in that you have moved through those, though. And eventually I will too, I believe that fully.

I can completely relate to what you are saying about not being able to make sense out of things. Sometimes it literally feels as if my brain has erased itself and I´m left with this void, or "I´m not me, the world does not exist"-feeling.  Everything just goes black for a nanosecond, - or so it feels. Often there will be a sequence of short time intervals in which this happens. It freaks me out to the extent that I start saying my name, birthdate, todays date and start doing calculus in my head to see if my brain is capable of thinking logically. I feel like I´m a both the defect computer and the engineer trying to fix it. Gotta laugh at it now, since for the moment I´m doing better - although I woke up 2 am drenched in sweat and just had to give up going back to sleep. 

[[Am...]]

@[Ze...] I know this feeling as well. Also know as disassociation and derealization. This is also another withdrawal symptom. Today has been a rough day. Think last night and today I am in a bit of a rebound episode. Something small triggered me yesterday and I have on and off palpitations / and anxiety induced thought process. HOWEVER, they only have been lasting in 5 minutes and taper off for a few hours to nothing. I know this will most likely be gone tomorrow and I will have some wonderful days even weeks. I have learned that these are getting much shorter and fewer in between episodes. In month 4,5,6 I was so freaked out it was still happening. I thought I wasn’t getting better in those rebound moments. Now, instead of going into panic and being completely overwhelmed  that I am not getting better, I can read my past journal entries. 

[[Ze...]]

6 minutes ago, [[A...] said:

@[Ze...] I know this feeling as well. Also know as disassociation and derealization. This is also another withdrawal symptom. Today has been a rough day. Think last night and today I am in a bit of a rebound episode. Something small triggered me yesterday and I have on and off palpitations / and anxiety induced thought process. HOWEVER, they only have been lasting in 5 minutes and taper off for a few hours to nothing. I know this will most likely be gone tomorrow and I will have some wonderful days even weeks. I have learned that these are getting much shorter and fewer in between episodes. In month 4,5,6 I was so freaked out it was still happening. I thought I wasn’t getting better in those rebound moments. Now, instead of going into panic and being completely overwhelmed  that I am not getting better, I can read my past journal entries. 

Sounds like you have been able to find ways to calm yourself down and appreciate and remember the good moments - from what I understand, this is key to recovery. Just not loosing hope and remember where we came from. I too journal, and I personally find it a fantastic tool. First of all I got to empty out all that´s inside my brain, and second I can always go back to my journal entries later. The night I wrote here I was in such a bad shape I could barely hold my pencil in order to write. This night that was not a problem, luckily.

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you, since today was so rough. It´s really good you have experienced before that the symptoms wax and wane, but over time is improving. Those heart palpitations can be very anxiety provoking. I have found a couple of vagus-nerve "exercises" that I do every morning and when my anxiety gets really high. I find that helps a lot. The DARE-app too is great for anxiety. I love the accent of the guy who guides the meditations / reads the information. 

[[ca...]]

"It also feels like my throat is cramping and expanding at the same time, like this pressure from both the inside and outside of my neck/throat/larynx (weird and scary). On top of my swallow reflex being unpredictible, my nose stuffy and my throat dry (yes, I hydrate, but that only helps in the moment) which adds to the feeling of not being able to breathe. "

- hello! i'm also experiencing all of this at the moment. i jumped last August 29, so i'm about 77 days off of everything. i took benzos/SSRIs for about 1 year and 4 months. the throat-nose issues came recently because i don't think i've ever experienced this even when i was on benzos. it was so weird! i was freaking out because my throat felt like it was closing up for real so i thought maybe i was allergic to something but i've never been allergic to anything my whole life! my nose/sinus has also been very sensitive. for a while, it felt VERY very minty, the feeling is similar to when you eat minty lozenges. it lasted for about 1-2 weeks. right now, its somewhat better but my throat and mouth are still REALLY dry and my nose is still super stuffy.

when i wake up in the morning, my mouth and throat are still super dry but it does get SLIGHTLY better as the day progresses. i also noticed that when i lie down at night to sleep, my throat feels like it could close up again.

to conclude, i'm really not sure if this has something to do with my sinus or if its acid reflux. i've had GERD before but i haven't had it in a while that's why i'm confused as to why my throat decided to become really dry out of nowhere. i'm currently taking esomeprazole and will be taking this for the next 8 days to see if there are changes.

how are you doing @[Ze...]? Hope you're doing better :')