14 months and still getting worse?

[[Ki...]]

27 y/o male who is currently 14 months into withdrawal from sertraline (8 years) and valium (2 months) and the longer I’m off the worse the anhedonia, physical/emotional numbness gets.

I was initially stupidly put on an SSRI for some anxiety after a weed induced panic attack back in 2015. The reason I ended up on it for so long is that I now realise what I was actually treating was withdrawal and kindling (I tried the SSRI for 6 weeks and it didn’t help, in fact it made me worse and so I stopped as I never wanted to be on medication - prior to that event I never had any mental health issues and was extremely happy) but I went into withdrawal which I didn’t know about at the time and resulted in spending the next 7 years in hell due to reinstatements, severe kindling and multiple failed withdrawal attempts. I couldn’t understand how I went from being the happiest person you could meet to suffering so severely. I don’t think I will ever forgive the medical profession that gaslit me into believing it was me all this time rather than anything to do with the drugs, but that’s bedsides the point.

Fast forward to 2022 and I finally got off. I’ve been through severe withdrawals and was put on and ripped off valium on top which made things 10x worse. I’m now 14 months into this latest withdrawal and although a lot of the intense acute physical and mental symptoms have abated, i.e I’m no longer being electrocuted/on the verge of a seizure or constantly or suffering extreme DPDR, I still have raging tinnitus, burning brain and head pressure, insomnia, cog fog, waves of intense obsessive thoughts etc. but the thing I notice more than anything else is that the emotional and sexual symptoms continue to get worse even this far out. I gradually lose more and more positive emotion, I can’t feel love, joy, excitement, happiness, interest in anything, even slight contentment. Music sounds like noise, the concept of family or friendship means nothing to me, I’m completely asexual and severely numb, I can’t even feel any anxiety. The apathy is so strong I don’t know what to do. This also translates to physical numbness, I can’t feel the water in a bath and if I didn’t hear a sound I wouldn’t even know I’m urinating. These have all worsened over time although when I go through a wave there will be a more significant shift, almost as if my brain seems to shut down even more.

I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be healing when the longer I leave it the further away I get from normal? Week by week, month by month it gets worse like my brain is rotting away. I’ve had quite severe emotional and sexual side effects on the meds which made me pretty much asexual but at least I could masterbate even though it wasn’t anywhere near as good. Now my genitals are completely numb, so is the skin on my body which is also bone dry and so are my eyes, my genitals are severely shrunk and cold, I am completely asexual and unresponsive to any stimuli, severe ED, pleasureless orgasms and even pain, along with the complete absence of any positive emotions whatsoever.

During acute I had major waves of pre med emotion and I would honestly say despite the hundreds of other symptoms I felt mentally better and more hopeful that I would go back to normal than I do now. I was extremely sensitive back then and that has reduced but the less sensitive I feel the more numb I feel. It feels like the complete opposite of how people recover. Mornings are horrendous still and the chemical depression can be very bad although if that eases in the evening it’s just replaced with nothingness now.

I keep being told by withdrawal coaches that everyone heals but I am also aware of PSSD - so who do I believe? If it is PSSD and it’s not recoverable I honestly couldn’t live like this. The trauma of existing in this state knowing that I’ve been robbed of everything that makes you feel human is honestly too much. I find it difficult to see friends because it’s traumatic seeing them be normal and I’m like this. Everything outside is a constant reminder that I feel so abnormal. I have read the stories of the severe PSSD cases and it’s scary how much I relate to them when they say they feel completely chemically castrated, and when you hear people suffering years or decades years after such a short exposure and here I am severely kindled I can’t see how I go back to normal.

I’ve seen people mention that withdrawal is non-linear but this almost feels like it is linear but in the opposite direction.

I‘m sorry for the longwinded post but if anyone has reassurance or experience they could share it would help as I feel extremely vulnerable at the moment.

Thanks in advance!

[[Co...]]

Hello @[Ki...]. Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

Unfortunately, I was just about to log off, but had just enough time to very quickly skim your first post and approve it. I am sure others will be along soon and will reply to you properly.

[[Pa...]]

Helo @[Ki...], welcome.

I’m so very sorry to hear how much you’re suffering, I know very little about PSSD but I’ve seen it mentioned here so you might want to use the search function to see if you can find others who have dealt with it.

Can I get some additional information on your Valium use, you said it was for 2 months, when was it prescribed, was it in conjunction with your withdrawal from Sertraline?  Have you have any other exposure to benzodiazepines through the years.

Again, I’m sorry you’ve been suffering so long, I hope you find relief. 

Pamster

[[Ki...]]

Thanks @[Pa...] - I was prescribed valium during my acute withdrawal from sertraline around Sep-Oct for 7 weeks, no other usage throughout my life apart from the odd one or two pills.

I’m just struggling so much literally every day/week I notice the anhedonia, physical/emotional numbness and SD just get worse. I will have a wave then once that alleviates I’ll notice a shift where these symptoms get worse and never return to what I was like before the wave. That’s repeated 100s of times and still happening at 14 months off. I literally don’t know how it still gets worse because it gets to a point where I think right it can’t get worse than this it must have bottomed out and then it happens again. Looking at family members does nothing for me, the thought of going to see a friend means nothing to me, it’s actually traumatic putting myself in any form of social situation because it makes me realise how inhumane I feel. I’m just this thing existing.

I don’t see anyone talking about how they lose more emotion over time especially over this long a period it’s usually worse at the beginning and then things gradually return but I’m the complete opposite.

I literally can’t do anything more to help myself because I eat clean, stay hydrated, exercise when I feel up to it, I’m off work and have removed all stress, I rest as much as possible. I’m so close to giving up because I’ve been effected for 8 years and it’s not so much worse.

is there anyone on here who can attest to this happening to them and them actually recovering?

Sorry I’m just so exhausted with this whole thing.

[[Pa...]]

You’re right, I mostly see members gaining back their emotional health as time goes by.  I understand how devastating it is to lose that connection to ourselves and our world.  

I don’t have experience with Sertraline, do you feel your symptoms are the result of the withdrawal from both it and the Valium?  Your use of Valium was brief compared to the Sertraline, and while I have no doubt the Valium is contributing, do you believe the A/D is the main culprit?  I wonder if starting a thread in the Health Matters forum with Sertraline in the title might garner some responses? 

[[Dr...]]

Are you taking any other drugs currently? If you’re taking anything GABAergic, that could explain why you’re feeling worse as time goes on. 
I found information on this on benzoinfo.com. Look for GABA receptor down regulation.

[[ro...]]

This is me to a T. I’m so terrified. I feel this. 

[[Ma...]]

13 months has covid and worse pain wise then ever 

[[Si...]]

To me this does sound like anti depressant withdrawal, not benzo withdrawal.  I don't have any experience of ad withdrawal although I'm on one at the moment.  What happens when you drink coffee, or stimulate in some way? 

[[dj...]]

2 hours ago, [[S...] said:

To me this does sound like anti depressant withdrawal, not benzo withdrawal.  I don't have any experience of ad withdrawal although I'm on one at the moment.  What happens when you drink coffee, or stimulate in some way? 

I would agree with this, particularly with the complaints of sexual dysfunction and not being able to feel genitals.  I had a friend come off Lexapro and that happened to him for a while.  
 

I don’t know what to say but things can get worse before they get better.  Sometimes things have to unravel completely before being put back together the right way.  I imagine it’s an issue of where in our circuitry the problem lies.  We’re all wired differently so that may not be the same for everyone. 
 

I don’t want to encourage trying more medicines but I’ve actually read of Lamictal having some success in cases like this.  

[[Ma...]]

Have you visited the Surviving Antidepressants forum? It might also be helpful.

[[Hu...]]

I've read that some people benefit from Bupropion in this case. SSRI's are not good for dopamine. 

But I'm familiar with SSRI's and ED. I'm not on them anymore. Couldn't deal with all the side effects. I'm sure that in a 50 years ppl will look back on SSRI's like how we now look at lobotomies.

Edited January 25 by [Hu...]

[[wi...]]

Everyone is different.

Lamictal is heavy duty.  Just hearing the name brings back memories of long term use and two failed taper attempts before success in coming off. 
Another drug that messes with your brain BIG TIME.

[[fa...]]

On 30/09/2023 at 08:06, [[K...] said:

Thanks @[Pa...] - I was prescribed valium during my acute withdrawal from sertraline around Sep-Oct for 7 weeks, no other usage throughout my life apart from the odd one or two pills.

I’m just struggling so much literally every day/week I notice the anhedonia, physical/emotional numbness and SD just get worse. I will have a wave then once that alleviates I’ll notice a shift where these symptoms get worse and never return to what I was like before the wave. That’s repeated 100s of times and still happening at 14 months off. I literally don’t know how it still gets worse because it gets to a point where I think right it can’t get worse than this it must have bottomed out and then it happens again. Looking at family members does nothing for me, the thought of going to see a friend means nothing to me, it’s actually traumatic putting myself in any form of social situation because it makes me realise how inhumane I feel. I’m just this thing existing.

I don’t see anyone talking about how they lose more emotion over time especially over this long a period it’s usually worse at the beginning and then things gradually return but I’m the complete opposite.

I literally can’t do anything more to help myself because I eat clean, stay hydrated, exercise when I feel up to it, I’m off work and have removed all stress, I rest as much as possible. I’m so close to giving up because I’ve been effected for 8 years and it’s not so much worse.

is there anyone on here who can attest to this happening to them and them actually recovering?

Sorry I’m just so exhausted with this whole thing.

Wondering how you are doing now?